


The Third Pedrad

by bornafluffychild



Category: Divergent (Movies), Divergent Series - Veronica Roth
Genre: A/U, F/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-09-29
Updated: 2016-06-26
Packaged: 2018-02-19 04:47:12
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 39
Words: 123,204
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2375111
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bornafluffychild/pseuds/bornafluffychild
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>What if Tris grew up in Dauntless as a child?  This is the story of Tris Pedrad-- one half of the Pedrad Twins that everyone in Dauntless knows.  Even though she's a Dauntless legend, her past is littered with painful secrets.  What happens when Four meets Tris, who also happens to be his friend Zeke's baby sister?  Starts at Zeke/Four's Choosing Ceremony and continues from there.</p><p>A/N: I promise to update this but here are a few chapters to start!  This is also cross posted on fanfiction.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Zeke

**Author's Note:**

> A/N: This is just a little story that came to me when I was thinking about how Tris might have been different if she had been Dauntless born. The characterizations are going to be a bit different than in the book due to the altered relationship (e.g., Zeke, Tris and Uriah being siblings).
> 
> Also, this is cross posted on fanfiction and I'll be keeping it updated in both places.
> 
> Disclaimer: I don't own Divergent, the characters, etc.

** Zeke **

I let the sun warm my eyelids for a while before I begrudgingly open them just a slit. I sneak a peek at the ceiling and the top of the wall in front of me. Even though today is important, I’m not ready to face it yet and besides, my alarm hasn’t gone off, which means that it’s still early. I can go back to sleep for a while still and that’s exactly what I intend to do. I have plenty of time before I need to be at the Choosing Ceremony. However, when I roll over on to my side I am greeted by my very much awake 14-year-old sister curled up on my bed, facing me. I can tell instantly that she’s upset. 

“Ezi, are you going to leave us?” I swear that at the end of her question I hear a quiet sniffle. She’s a tough girl so her sniffling catches me off guard. I’ve only ever seen her cry once when she was 10 and I beat the tar out of the Erudite kid who caused it (though he eventually won the fight). She never told me what he said that made her so upset but it didn’t matter. I’m relieved when after searching her face for any signs, I decide she’s not crying. 

“Ri, why would I leave? If I left then who would make sure your ugly mug stayed in check?” I’m chuckling softly as I look at her and watch as Ri dramatically rolls her eyes at me and groans.

“Ezi, be serious. This is the biggest decision you’re ever going to make. It affects everything.” Her eyes are so wide and sincere that I know if I had been planning to transfer I wouldn’t be able to go through with the decision at this point. I would feel too guilty: like I was the worst big brother in the world. 

“Why are you so worried about this, Ri? Worried that you’ll be stuck with just Uriah and Mom? I would be too.”   I tuck a lock of hair behind Ri’s ear and grin at her. It doesn’t seem to ease the anxiety I see brewing in her eyes.

“Ezi, answer my question.” 

“Yeah, _Ezi_ , answer her question.” Uriah plops down on the foot of the bed and takes a bite out of a piece of toast. I pull a pillow from the mattress behind me and launch it at his head. I hate it when he calls me Ezi. Only Ri calls me that. 

“Ugh, you’re both ridiculous. Maybe I’ll transfer factions just so I can have some peace. I’ll take whichever one won’t allow irritating younger twin siblings.” I don’t mean it, really. The motto of the city may be ‘faction before blood’ but I can’t imagine not seeing my family or doing anything that would hurt them. Ri, however, is clearly not in a joking mood and instead is staring at me with terror written all over her face. “I’m kidding, Ri. I’m not going anywhere. My test results were Dauntless-- not that it matters because I’ve always known this is where I belong. Besides, if I transferred, then I wouldn’t be able to torture you and make sure you never date.” 

“God, Ezi, when you put it like that then I wish you would transfer.” 

All thoughts of returning to sleep have already left my mind, so I quickly pinch her side and jump out of bed while she’s still laughing. She is right, though—today is the biggest decision of my life. But I’ve known what I would choose for years now. I’m Dauntless and always have been. I wouldn’t be able to even begin to imagine a life anywhere else.

 

-*-*-*-*

Later that morning, I take the knife from Max and slice my palm like I’m supposed to. Reaching my hand to let the blood drip over the coals is like muscle memory even though I’ve never done it before. I’m Dauntless and always have been, just like my father was. The hoots from the other Dauntless ring out and fill the room to its brim. I don’t have to look up at Max to know that his face is blank but his eyes show the slightest hint of happiness. 

I turn and walk over to where my faction is sitting. I can’t shake the question Ri asked me earlier today as the Dauntless cheers continue. 

_“Ezi, are you going to leave us?”  
_

You never had anything to worry about, Ri. _  
_

Amar claps a hand on my shoulder, pulling me from my thoughts, and I take my place with the other Dauntless. Looking around I mostly see 16-year-old Dauntless born initiates that I know and a few transfers so far. We’re still not half way through the alphabet so we’ll be here a while. 

When a gray-clad, skinny Abnegation boy slices his palm and drips blood onto the Dauntless coals, there’s a hush in the room before all of Dauntless begins whooping and hollering. The Abnegation look at each other and begin murmuring in confusion. No one has ever transferred from Abnegation to Dauntless. Even Amity is more likely to try to transfer to Dauntless than Abnegation is. Abnegation is about as far from Dauntless ideologically as it gets. Whoever this Stiff is, he’s done something completely new and it’s catching everyone off guard.

I don’t remember the Stiff’s name but it’s toward the beginning of the alphabet so the ceremony ends not long after. It couldn’t have come soon enough. I can tell my entire faction is itching to get out of here and we all jump up, running and yelling down the stairs toward the train tracks. I’ve done this hundreds of times throughout my life but today is different. This is the day that begins the rest of my life. I know that I still have to get through initiation but I’m not worried; I’m Dauntless through and through.

 

-*-*-*-

 

I jump from the train, glad I haven’t stumbled too much despite the amount of alcohol I’ve had. In the weeks since initiation started life has been a blur of fighting, shooting and working but it hasn’t included much in the way of enjoying being Dauntless. Tonight, though, the Dauntless tradition of Dare is changing that. I take a few steps forward with Amar and Four near me and suddenly Amar is upon me.

“I see you’ve met my young friend Ezekial, here.” Amar says to Four as he puts me in a headlock and rubs his knuckles over my head. Even though he’s like a brother to me I really hate it when he does this in front of people. Even more, I hate when he calls me by my full name. He’s as bad as Ri sometimes.

“Just because my mom calls me by my full name doesn’t mean you need to, Amar.” I shake him off easily since he’s loosened his grip on me. 

I look over at Four and roll my eyes. We only really met tonight on the train ride out to Erudite for Amar’s dare. While we’re not training together since he’s a transfer and I’m Dauntless born, he recognized me as the first jumper and I know him from all of the rumors and his fear landscape. He’s the initiate with only four fears. I remember him skinny and dressed in grey, slicing his hand at the Choosing Ceremony. Now that memory seems out of place juxtaposed to the Dauntless prodigy standing before me in all black and more muscle than I have ever claimed.

“Amar’s grandparents were friends with my parents.” I explain.

“Were?” Four asks it and looks embarrassed; like he didn’t mean the question to be said out loud. 

I explain the rest to him; how my father died when I was young. Amar adds in that his parents died when he was young and his grandparents jumped from the chasm when he became a member. Four looks perplexed and surprised by the realizations and I worry that he’s going to keep asking questions that are increasingly going to become ones I don’t want to answer but we’re interrupted by shouts from the others for Amar to get on and do his dare. 

Later that night as we’re all drunkenly watching Four get a tattoo, I decide that I could be friends with this guy. He’s quieter than any other person I’ve met—probably a hold over from his Abnegation roots—but it doesn’t bother me. Even though he clearly doesn’t trust anyone, he strikes me as someone who would be a good friend; someone I could trust.

For that reason I am happy when Shauna tells me the next day that she invited Four to sit with us. Through the grapevine I heard that he beat Eric that morning in what is being considered the bloodiest Dauntless fight in initiation history. Apparently Eric even lost a tooth, which makes me ecstatic because I hate that jackass. Shauna tells me quietly that Four has agreed to help her learn to fight and I am grateful to hear it since I’ve seen her struggling so much throughout the physical stage of training. My suspicions about Four being a good friend are confirmed then and as initiation progresses he quickly becomes my closest friend even if he still is intimidating as hell and more secretive than any one person probably should be. 

I’m not surprised when Four ranks first in our class at the end of initiation. While I feel the pangs of jealousy at his success, they quickly leave as I congratulate him and then find my way to my mother, sister and brother through the celebrating Dauntless. I am clobbered by Ri before I can even think of getting any words out.

“Ezi!  I’m so happy for you!” She yells out as I’m holding her up off the ground by her waist and she hugs me around the neck tightly. “You’re really staying.” She says softer and I can tell that as much as she believes in me, she has been irrationally worrying about me having to leave Dauntless since the morning of the Choosing Ceremony. 

“Yep.   Hope you never wanted to date because I am sticking around and now not only am I a member but also the most terrifying Dauntless member is my best friend. No guys are coming near you, Ri.” I give her a wide grin and she pretends to pout but I can see the glimmer of laughter in her eyes. 

Ri, to my knowledge, has carefully avoided every guy who has ever looked at her. Maybe it’s because she doesn’t want to find out if Uriah and my joking threats to harm any guy who comes near her are serious or maybe it’s because she’s not comfortable with their advances. Either way, while most Dauntless girls her age have begun dating and even I had had my first kiss and more at her age, I feel confident that I am right in thinking that the only guys Ri has ever even hugged have either been in our family or Amar’s. The only way she touches any other guy is if she’s in a fight. 

“Zeke, you didn’t come in dead last! Good job!” Uriah slaps me on the back as he says it and I jab him in the gut lightly, starting a short, joking fight between the two of us. 

“Yeah, well in two years I’ll remind you of that when Ri is ranked first and you’re ranked last.” I grin at Uriah broadly and my mother finally steps between us, telling us to break it up. 

My mother pulls me into a warm hug. All I can think is that even though I’m a full Dauntless member and am not supposed to need my family and especially not my Mom, I’m glad that she is here right now for this instead of at the fence. I’m glad they’re all here. I can pretend like I don’t need them—and I guess really I don’t in a lot of ways—but it doesn’t change the fact that it would have killed me to not be here right now in Dauntless. I only hope that in two years I’m welcoming Ri and Uriah as members instead of wondering how they are in their own factions. The thought is too sad, though, so I push it from my mind. 

Tonight is for celebrating. I am a Dauntless member now.


	2. Four

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter 2, woohoo! Let me know what you think in the comments.
> 
> Disclaimer: I don't own Divergent, the characters, etc.

** Four**

“My Mom just left to go out on the fence for a two week stretch. Now that initiation is over I promised her I would come check in on my kid brother and sister.” Zeke offers as way of explaining why we’re walking down an unfamiliar hallway. It’s been two days since rankings were posted and even though I now have my own apartment, I don’t know my way around this part of Dauntless. 

“What did they do during initiation?” 

“Mostly Amar came by and checked on them or our neighbors, friends did. When the stretch is a week or less she doesn’t worry about it but the two to four week stretches concern her. My sister is practically Erudite smart and needs nothing but my brother is reckless so I’m really here to make sure he hasn’t killed himself somehow.” Zeke rolls his eyes as though seeing his sister and brother is an annoyance but I can tell by his tone that he enjoys having a reason to visit them. Besides, everyone knows that Zeke’s family is tight knit. 

“How old are they?” 

“Fourteen.” 

“Which one is fourteen?” 

“Both of them. They’re practically twins.” Zeke turns abruptly at a door on the corner and knocks. 

Muffled sounds come from behind the door and a quick shriek. Zeke knocks again and the bumps and bangs of rough housing ring out mixed with laughter. I lean against the door frame casually since it seems like we’re going to be waiting until after the fight is over for the door to open. 

“So they’re 14? They’re practically the same age as you and you’re checking on them?” 

“Dauntless doesn’t have hard and fast rules about this stuff but there’s kind of an unspoken rule that until one of the kids in the house is 15, they have to have a member check on them at least once per week. We have a lot of neighbors and friends who will check in but they have families and it’s easier for me to do it anyway. Amar did it during initiation since it would look bad if I did it—like I was too reliant on my family.” 

There’s a crash on the other side of the door and suddenly the door flings open and a short blond girl with grey-blue eyes stands looking at us. My breath catches in my throat and I am struck dumb by her presence. Zeke immediately barrels forward and throws her over his shoulder, running into the main room of the apartment.

“Put me down!” She yells it but her laughter obscures the words and makes it clear that she doesn’t really mean it. 

I follow them into the apartment, stopping inside the door to help Zeke’s brother off the floor. When he stands I see that he has the same dark skin, eyes and hair as Zeke but is almost as tall as I am and has a broader build than Zeke does. Zeke, while fit, is short and lean. I can see the resemblance between the two brothers in their facial features as well. This makes the appearance of their blonde sister seem out of place. 

“You must be Four.” Zeke’s brother says to me as he slaps me on the back. 

“I am. You’re Zeke’s brother, then?”

“Yes, that is my idiot brother, Uriah.” Zeke says from across the room. He’s set his sister down and is leaning against a windowsill next to her. “Uriah, this is Four.” Uriah stretches out his hand and I force myself to remember that I’m supposed to shake it. The Dauntless don’t have the same aversion to touching others that Abnegation do and it would be selfish of me to ignore this custom because I still haven’t gotten past that ingrained behavior from my old faction. I try to make the pressure firm but I have no idea if I’m doing it right. I suspect that I’m not. 

“I’ve heard about you. People say you only have four fears—hence the name. I heard you’ve never lost a fight, either, because you don’t feel pain and would beat your opponent bloody. You’re the only person in your initiate class to win in a fight against Eric and you beat him to a pulp. He lost a tooth.” The words are rushing out of Uriah’s mouth so fast I can barely keep pace with them. They start out accurate but turn into a strange, twisted exaggeration that must be the rumor making its way through the compound. 

“That’s not all entirely true. The four fears part is correct. I haven’t lost a fight and I did knock out Eric’s tooth but I can’t claim to not feel pain. It all certainly felt painful at the time, even if I did win in the end.” 

“See? I told you. Uri, you’re acting like a little Amity girl over him.” Zeke’s sister walks over and punches Uriah in the shoulder. He puts her in a headlock and musses up her hair before releasing her. 

“You’re just not impressed because you’re too Dauntless for your own good, Ri.” Uriah says as he lets her go.

I look at them curiously so Zeke explains. “You’re not the only one in this room to win a fight versus Eric, Four. Ri—er, Tris—here, has squared off with him more than once and won every time. Remember how he had a bruise on his cheek bone at the Choosing Ceremony? That was because Tris gave it to him a week before.” 

“He was picking on a girl from Abnegation. You know they’ll never fight back so I did instead.”   Tris responds quickly and coolly with a practiced air that suggests she’s had to explain this a few times before.   Dauntless would get into fights at school regularly but it’s not often you hear that one was in defense of someone else, even less so that it was someone from another faction, and certainly never for someone from Abnegation. 

When she looks up at me there’s a fire in her grey eyes that make me want to never stop looking at her. I’ve found girls pretty before—I am a 16 year old boy after all—but I’ve never found any girl fascinating like I do instantaneously when I see her. 

If I had been raised Dauntless and was more adept at social interactions with girls I’d make a joke right now that would be subtly flirtatious. She’d laugh nervously and blush. Later, when Zeke and Uriah left the room, I’d ask her on a date even if she is Zeke’s sister and only 14. Unfortunately, I was raised in Abnegation and I haven’t the slightest clue how to talk to girls so none of this happens and instead I just stare at her until I realize that I’m making the situation uncomfortable. The Abnegation in me is appalled by my display of selfishness. 

“I’m impressed.” I hope the words come out as even and calm as I will them to be. “I may have beat Eric but that was at the end of the hand-to-hand combat training. The fact that you can win a fight with someone two years older than you that also ranked in the top three of the initiate class is unusual.” 

“Well, now that he’s through initiation I’m sure it won’t be as fair of a fight.” Tris doesn’t drop my gaze the entire time as she speaks. 

“It sounds like maybe now it is more fair—for him, at least.” The corners of my mouth turn up in a slight smile as I say it. This is as close to flirtation as I’ve ever gotten in my life. I’m sure I’m doing wrong, especially since her brothers are standing right next to us. 

Tris laughs at my suggestion. “Hardly. Now he’s going to be insufferable to deal with, especially since he’s a member. Besides, by the time I get to initiation everyone else in my class will be as big as trees and I will remain like this.” She motions to herself, indicating her short build. 

“You’ll just have to practice, Ri. I bet Four would even help teach you. He taught Shauna.” Zeke offers it before my brain has broken from its fixation on her enough to put together a thoughtful suggestion like that.

“Wow, you must be a good teacher, then.” I catch Zeke’s scowl he shoots at Tris for that statement. She looks at him innocently. “What? She was a terrible fighter. You know I’m right. I think Shauna’s great but fighting was never her strong suit.” 

“You’re not wrong, really. Shauna wasn’t very good but she just needed to be shown what to fix and have someone willing to practice with her. That’s all.” Tris’s look is triumphant because I’ve agreed with her about Shauna’s fighting. More than that, though, I realize I may have found a way that I can actually see Tris again without having to wait for Zeke to bring me along the next time his mom is out at the fence. “Since you’re related to Zeke, I’d be willing to help you out, practice with you or whatever.” I shrug casually as if it’s not a big deal. “I’m not sure how helpful I’ll be since it sounds like you’re already pretty good. But I’ll do what I can.” 

Tris tilts her head to the side, a look of confusion on her face. “You’d do that?” 

“Sure. Zeke’s my friend so of course I’ll help.” I realize that I’m focusing too much on her, which will probably make Zeke suspicious, so I latch on to the first thought I have to fix it. “I’ll help both you and Uriah.” 

“Wow, just because you’re friends with my brother? I’ve never been so happy to be related to you, Ezi.” Tris grins over at Zeke and he scowls at her again. I don’t think the nickname is one he wanted me to hear. He probably shouldn’t have brought me over in that case. 

“Don’t worry about me, Four, I’m fine as is. Ri here can use all the help she can get. She may be tough but she’s easy to catch off guard.” Uriah reaches over and swoops Tris off her feet to prove his point and runs out of the room with her, both of them yelling. I smile at the liveliness in this small space and wonder how life would have been different if I had been a part of this small family instead of my own. 

I look back over to Zeke who looks irritated still. I have to suppress my laugh. 

“Ezi?” My eyebrow raises as I look at Zeke with the silent question hanging between us. He huffs, annoyed. 

“Yeah, don’t get any ideas about you calling me that. Ri’s the only one allowed.” 

It’s amusing how he tries to seem authoritative while talking about the adorable nickname his younger sister has given him.   I know my quiet laughter is probably only annoying him more, which makes the whole situation better. 

“I don’t think I would _want_ to call you ‘Ezi’, Zeke. I mean, unless I wanted to hand the others something to mock you for. I think you give them plenty of material to do that already, though.” 

“That’s rich coming from you, Four. You’re like a walking punch line, even if you do terrify almost everyone.”

“Who terrifies everyone, Ezi?” Tris chose that moment, of course, to walk back into the room. She glances between Zeke and I with a raised eyebrow, waiting for an answer from one of us. I certainly won’t give it, though. 

“Four does. It’s why Max wants him to be a leader-in-training and train the new initiates.” Tris takes this information in and levels her gaze at me. 

“Really? You don’t seem all that intimidating to me. Just quiet. Like you don’t want to give something away.” How can she possibly see that? I might as well be standing naked in the middle of the room after what she just said.

Thankfully, Zeke waves her off and changes the subject. He inquires about going to dinner together and my spirit lifts at the opportunity to prolong our time but she tells him she’s meeting her friends for dinner after she goes running. She asks that we take Uriah with us so he goes to the training room instead of just waiting at the apartment and whining when she gets back until they go down to the dining hall. Zeke agrees and Tris walks to her room, presumably to change. 

Zeke, Uriah and I head toward the front door of the apartment. Uriah is joking with Zeke about some Dauntless kid I don’t know, which isn’t helping me keep my mind on the conversation instead of letting it drift back to Tris. 

“Hey Four!” The shout startles me a little and I turn in its direction—toward the hallway that leads to Tris and Uriah’s rooms.   She’s peaking her head out of her room door with her hair up. “So if you’re serious about teaching me, maybe we could meet at the training room tomorrow. Maybe for the hour before dinner?” 

My pulse is racing at the idea of her actually wanting to see me and spend time with me, even if it is just so she can be a better fighter. “Sure.” Is all I’m able to croak out and then we leave the apartment and head toward the cafeteria. 

Once there’s a lull in the conversation, I finally ask the question that’s been itching at me since we walked into the Pedrads’ apartment. 

“So I’m confused. She doesn’t look like your sister.” I’m trying to sound like my question is just from idle curiosity but I can’t be sure it actually sounds that way. 

“What do you mean? She looks like herself and herself is my sister. That’s how she looks.” Zeke has a blank expression on his face as he replies, though I can tell he’s feigning his confusion. It doesn’t stop me from groaning in frustration. 

“You two look similar,” I’m pointing at Zeke and then Uriah to make my point before I continue, “you can tell you’re brothers but Tris looks nothing like either of you.” 

“What?! We all share breathtaking good looks.” Uriah exclaims with mock outrage. 

“Uriah, get out of here. You’re ridiculous.” Zeke shoved Uriah down the hall as we both chuckled. 

“OK, OK, I’m going. Geez, you’ve changed since you’ve become a member, Zeke. You’re so cold; so distant. It’s like I don’t even know you anymore.” Uriah is grinning as he tries to make himself sound wounded and walks away from us and around the corner. 

Zeke turns back to me and narrows his eyes as if he’s sizing me up. We’ve become quick friends through initiation but something tells me that asking anything about his sister crosses into new territory. He might trust me to not accidentally shoot him or believe that I’ll just knock him out but not kill him in a fight but that doesn’t mean that he’ll trust me with information about his sister, especially since anyone with eyes can see how protective he and Uriah are of her, though she doesn’t need it.

He stops for a moment before finally saying, “Four, why are you asking this?”

I shrug and try to look uninterested. We’ve stopped walking and his eyes are trained on mine, evaluating how I’m responding 

“I just noticed and thought I’d ask. That’s all.” I frown a little as I speak, hoping that I’m convincing him that I am not completely captivated by her and want to find out any information about her that I can. It seems to work because a few seconds later Zeke shrugs and shifts his gaze toward the hallway on our left. 

“Ri. Er, Tris, isn’t technically my sister. She’s my parents’ best friends’ daughter. They died when she was two, at the same time my Dad died, so she came to live with us. That’s why she doesn’t look like Uriah and I.” Zeke’s eyes snap back up to meet mine and he almost imperceptibly leans towards me with what I think might be a menacing glint in his eye before he continues. “But really, Four, in all the ways it counts, she’s my sister. My _little_ sister. And I would kill for her if I had to.” 

I can’t deny that this is the most intimidating that I’ve ever seen Zeke. I know that people in our initiate class found me intimidating but right now I think Zeke has topped me—there’s something even more terrifying when someone who is usually full of jokes becomes so deadly serious. 

“I know, Zeke. I think everyone in the Dauntless compound knows.” I feel like I’m practically whispering my response as I stare back at him, making it clear that I would know better than to doubt that. He seems to relax at that, maybe even finally choosing to believe that I might be innocently asking a question. I know he’s OK when we start walking down the hall again. 

“In a lot of ways it’s all really the same, you know. We did everything with Ri’s family so she was always going to be a surrogate sister to us. The only difference now is a lot more sad history for her and she and Uriah shared a room for 12 years.”

“The last part sounds rough.”

“Those two are inseparable. I don’t think she cared, but Uriah is a slob so she still took over my room when I moved out for initiation.” 

“Sounds like she made the right choice. Come on, let’s go eat dinner.” I turn in the direction of the cafeteria and we continue walking in silence.

  

-*-*-*-

 

I arrive at the training room significantly before Tris and I agreed to meet the day before. I wasn’t sure what state it would be in so I came to take a look first. It smells like the sawdust of punching bags and the scared sweat of initiates still. I wonder if the latter is even accurate or if my mind is supplying that from memory and comfort. I set about testing the rigging on a few of the bags and moving equipment so the ring is clear for practice. 

“Zeke told me you’d be early. Said that you can never seem to kick that habit unless you’re hung over.” I turn at the sound of her voice behind me. She’s leaning against the door frame with her arms crossed as if she’s just been standing there, watching me. I never heard her come in so it’s possible she’s been there the entire time. I’m thankful I don’t have a habit of talking to myself as I work. 

“Some habits never go away. It was helpful as an initiate as you’ll find out in a couple years. Amar is a strict instructor.” I go back to what I was doing as I talk. Distracting myself helps me keep my breathing even. 

“He was a strict babysitter, too.” 

The statement is confusing so I turn to her with a questioning look. “Babysitter?” 

She chuckles at my confusion. “Yes, babysitter. Mom and Dad were friends with Amar’s grandparents before they died.” 

“Zeke told me that.” 

“Right. Zeke probably also told you about the Dauntless requirements for when a parent is gone for more than a week?” I nod without looking at her. “So Amar’s grandparents and he would either stay with us or have us stay with them when Mom was out at the fence for long stretches. Since Amar is five years older than Uriah and I, when he turned 15 he would come stay with us when Mom was gone. Even though Amar isn’t technically family, Max made an exception for it because he knew Amar’s grandfather was sick. After Amar became a member, he was the one who would check on us regularly while Mom was gone until Zeke turned 15. Amar is fun but he’s strict like a soldier; always enforcing a rigid schedule and rules. Zeke has always been the easier one to deal with.” 

“And by that you mean Zeke does whatever you want and Amar doesn’t.” 

“What would give you that impression?” She feigns ignorance poorly. She should never transfer to Candor. 

I give her an incredulous look. “It’s a well known fact that Zeke has a soft spot for you; I don’t think anyone in the compound doesn’t know it.” 

Tris just shrugs at my statement. “He _is_ my brother, I guess.” Her statement and what Zeke told me yesterday makes this conversation seem too personal for me and I don’t feel entirely comfortable with it any longer. Suddenly I need to change the subject. 

“Alright, enough chatting; let’s get to work.” My tone changes to sound more authoritative, like Amar’s tone when he was my instructor, and I notice how her body tenses at the sound. She silently slips off her jacket, sets it on a chair and walks over to where I’m standing. 

I have her go through what she knows and show me how she usually fights at one of the bags. Zeke was right—she is good, especially for her age. After seeing Dauntless kids fighting at school growing up and throughout initiation, I can tell that she’s already better than more than half of my initiate class is. It’s clear that she’s already better than Zeke. I make some small corrections to her stance and her punches are a bit more forceful. There’s something different about her fighting that I can’t put my finger on. It both bothers and intrigues me. There’s an undeniable tug within me to explore that further. 

“Why don’t you try something more challenging?” I turn toward the fighting ring in the middle of the room and walk until I am centered in it. After initiation I didn’t think I’d voluntarily walk into this space again but here I am. “You need something that will move and block. So try hitting me.” 

Her eyebrows raise in surprise. “You want me to fight you? Shauna said she practically had to force you to fight her.”

“I’m not really going to fight you. You’re going to do your best to knock me out and block me but I’m not actually going to hit you.” 

“Then what’s the point of blocking you?” 

“To practice it and see how good your reflexes are. I’m not going to actually hit you though, Tris.” 

“You know, it’s OK to hit girls here.” My head snaps over to her and I glare before I realize it. “I didn’t mean it like that. I just meant that girls fight guys here and it’s OK. You don’t need to be chivalrous or anything.” 

“I fought girls during initiation, Tris. I know the Dauntless views on it but I will not hit you. Maybe eventually I will fight you but not today. The most I will do now is kick your legs out from under you if you’re foolish enough to allow the opportunity. For now, focus on trying to hit me and blocking my swings.” 

Her look is unsure as she tentatively pulls her hands up in a defensive position, readying for the fight. She steps forward and throws a lazy punch that I easily block. I raise an eyebrow at her. Her next swing comes faster but I know she’s not trying. I stretch my arm out in a slow, half-hearted attempt to punch and she barely blocks it. This is ridiculous and I’m angry with her because I know she can do better. 

“Don’t waste my time, Tris.” 

It’s as if a switch flips in her head, lighting her eyes and causing her to come to life. Her movements come faster and I feel a strain to keep pace. I keep blocking her advances but it’s getting more difficult. I try to shift things and develop more of an offensive strategy, throwing punches and even a few kicks and elbows. She dodges and blocks them and throws me off repeatedly. She tries to find a spot to break through my defense but her blows come across slightly weak. I immediately know the problem and wave her off. 

“Wait. Hold your next move. Your form is generally good but it’s inconsistent. So what happens is your first punches are forceful but you lose power with each successive one as you lose your form. You may not have had a problem with it in past fights because your skill is generally advanced enough and you’re fast enough that the fight was already in your favor anyway. If you’re going to be a true threat to the best fighters, though, you need to channel the power throughout your entire body.” I maintain eye contact with her as I reach out my right hand and place it on her abdomen. My hand practically spans the entire front of her torso and I hear her gasp in suddenly but I push that thought from my mind.

“You need to keep tension here at all times. You need to consciously make sure you’re doing it until it becomes automatic—muscle memory. That way, when you advance on your opponent, you’ll have the energy and strength of your entire body. You’re small and you know how to use your speed when you get going but you have to immediately be on the offensive and make every blow count by maximizing its force. And keep using those elbows and knees. Understand?” She nods wordlessly and I notice that her cheeks are pink with exertion and possibly something else but I don’t know what. I’ve never really understood girls, to be honest, and Dauntless girls are even more difficult to understand. I let my hand drop to my side, choosing to ignore that there’s a faint tingle running through it. 

“Try again.”  
  
This time her attack comes much faster and I enjoy the immediate improvement. At this rate she’ll be a fierce opponent for anyone, even Amar or Max, by the time she gets to initiation. I can only imagine how much Amar will love having her as an initiate. 

I keep examining her fighting closely as we go. She’s not cruel or blood thirsty the way Eric is; she isn’t angry and vengeful like I am. Her look is both completely concentrated and removed from the situation at once; like she’s constantly evaluating every movement each of us makes to deduce some long-term lesson she can use. Her ferocity and drive could only be described as fearless as she commits entirely to throwing a punch and doesn’t flinch before she blocks an incoming one. At one point, when she swipes my feet from beneath me and I land on my shoulder, her face instantly softens and she’s at my side, offering me a hand up. She’s careful that she positions herself to win against me but I can tell she holds herself back from truly irreversibly hurting me. The way she fights is fascinating and totally unlike anyone. 

_She fights like a Divergent. Like an Erudite, Abnegation and Dauntless Divergent._

That thought distracts me momentarily and it’s enough for me to miss the uppercut that Tris connects to the bottom of my jaw. I tumble to the floor and she’s immediately kneeling at my side, looking concerned.

“I’m sorry. Are you OK?”

“Yes. That was an example of why you never should allow yourself to get distracted during a fight.” I sit up slowly, rubbing my jaw. I don’t think it is fractured but it certainly hurts. Despite the pain and the blow to my pride, I’m impressed with the force her punch had. Reluctantly I look over at the clock on the wall. “It’s about dinner time. You know, if you really want to train, we probably need more than an hour. It would be better to train in blocks of a few hours.” 

Tris’s face fills with confusion as she thinks about that suggestion. “When would we find that amount of time?” 

“That’s a good question. I start the leader-in-training program tomorrow so this same time won’t even work for me after today. With school starting again for you, I can’t imagine it will be convenient for you either.” 

Tris gets to her feet and reaches down a hand to help me up. I think about not taking it but the opportunity to be close to her again is too alluring for me not to take it. She grins when I take her hand and pulls me to my feet.

“What about Sunday mornings? I don’t have school then. Do you have training?”

“No, not then. That should work. So every Sunday?” 

“Until I’m the best Dauntless fighter or initiation starts, I guess.” She grins again and I can’t help but return it. 

“It’s a plan. Let’s get to dinner.” I toss her jacket to her when we get to that side of the room and flip the lights off before we leave. The entire time I can’t shake the smirk from my face that is planted there since we now officially have a reason to see each other every week.


	3. Tris

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: I don't own Divergent, the characters, etc.

** Tris **

After our first training session, I feel guilty that I actually punched Four. I know he’s a Dauntless prodigy but he consciously was trying _not_ to hit me and I repaid him by punching him. Hopefully he doesn’t change his mind about training me because of it. I’m relieved when I walk into the training room that Sunday and find him there, practicing on one of the bags.

His black jacket is slung over a nearby chair and he stands in just a black t-shirt, tight black jeans and sneakers. I don’t know what the tattoo on his back is of but I can see a few inches of it peaking out above his shirt collar, climbing up his neck. I watch him for a minute or so as he leans in and lands several punches on the bag, alternating which arm he’s extending for it. The fabric of his t-shirt clings to him so I can see as his muscles flex and roll with each movement. The Dauntless guys are all pretty muscular, especially once they become members, but I can’t think of any of them that look nearly as intimidating and fierce as he does. I’ve seen hundreds of guys wearing Dauntless black but none of them have ever caught my eye, really. Not like Four does. The realization sends a warm rush through me and I feel a slow burn begin at the pit of my stomach.

_He’s Zeke’s best friend. Stop it._

I push these thoughts out of my head as he pauses from punching and instead adjusts the tape he has wrapped around the knuckles of each hand.

“Hey,” I say it surprisingly softly and I’m about to say it again in case he didn’t hear me but he looks over to me.

“Hi, Tris. I got here early so I thought I’d warm up while I waited for you, that way I can be ready to defend myself from you better than I did last time.” A shy smile creeps over his lips as he looks at me and a blush creeps up my neck as I nervously chuckle.

“Yeah, I’m sure I’m such a fierce threat to the Legendary Four.” I roll my eyes, punctuating my statement and hoping that it will stop the awkwardness I feel creeping in to our conversation.

“At the rate you’re going, pretty soon you’re going to be a fierce threat to anyone and everyone; especially me, I suspect.” He smirks as he says it and I’m not sure what to think of the statement. If he was any other Dauntless guy I would suspect he was trying to flirt with me—poorly—but I can’t imagine that being his intent so I push it away.

“Well, for now I guess I’m mostly a threat to your jaw. Eventually I’ll expand my repertoire, I suppose.” He laughs quietly at the statement and I wonder how often he really laughs; the way people talk about him he sounds like he’s constantly serious. Right now he’s different, though; he seems more natural and at ease and I can’t help but enjoy it.

“You will. I may not be an Erudite but I do know some things and that’s one of them.” Four pauses for a moment and we’re just standing there, staring at each other in a comfortable silence. I see the expression on his face change and immediately know that the usual mask he wears is going back on, like it did yesterday and the day before. “Let’s make the most of the few hours we have, shall we?”

By the time we head to lunch we’re both sweating and tired. Four and I both grab food and I hesitate for a moment, unsure if it would be inappropriate or unwanted for me to sit with him and Ezi. Since the Choosing Ceremony I haven’t sat with him and I don’t know what to do. I see Uri sitting with Ezi and decide that it must be OK. I still feel tentative about it as I slide into the seat next to Uriah.

“So how is it going, Ri, are you the best fighter in Dauntless? Are you going to be able to even beat your dashing and wonderful twin?” Uriah flutters his eyelashes at me as he says it before he takes a bite out of his hamburger.

Before I can answer, Four jumps in. “She’s already clearly better than you and Zeke, Uriah. If I were you, I wouldn’t want to fight her.”

Ezi nods from his seat next to Four. “I’m not surprised. I told you she was a natural.” Four looks down at his food but I still see his nod, agreeing with Ezi’s words.

So we continue every Sunday with our set up. Every Sunday morning we meet in the training room and work until lunch. At lunch we sit with Ezi, Uri, Shauna and even Amar. Sometimes other people join us. It’s the only time during the week that I sit with Four and Ezi; otherwise, Uriah and I sit with Marlene, Lynn and other Dauntless around our age. There’s no rule against us sitting with members but that doesn’t mean it’s common.

We fall into a rhythm, though, of finding things that we do as a group after lunch and for the first several weeks this is the norm for our Sundays. Our morning training, however, starts to feel monotonous. I know I’ve gotten better—Four has even told me so—but there’s only so much blocking and pretending to fight without actually fighting that I can take before it feels boring. We’ve already agreed that he’ll start working on the other skills that we face in initiation but that won’t help my fighting. Finally, at lunch after our sixth Sunday training session, Ezi asks about how our training sessions are going.

Four’s eyes light up with an idea instantly. “You know, if you two want to do something to help, Tris could use someone to actually fight instead of just the bag. Practicing blocking with me is quickly becoming boring for her, I suspect. It would probably even make you both better.”

“Four, no.” The words are out before I can take them back. I take a sip of my water to buy some time before I have to explain myself. To buy some time to think of a good response because the truth is embarrassing but I know I won’t be able to find one.

Ezi looks over and quirks an eyebrow at me. We stare at each other for what seems like forever. I hope that he understands why I won’t fight them but won’t say anything. He flashes a grin at me and then looks over to Four. “I don’t know, Four. I already know Ri is good and better than I am. I don’t want to fight her unless we use the padded gloves that are still lying around from when they used them during initiation. I don’t want to get hurt.” It’s moments like these that I’m so glad Ezi is my stupid, protective older brother.

Either Uriah has figured it out or he’s just decided to go along with whatever Ezi says. “Yeah, I agree with Zeke. I don’t want my beautiful face disfigured by Ri.”

Four looks from Uriah to Ezi confused. “I didn’t know there were padded gloves.”

“Yeah, they used to have initiates do their fights using them. It wasn’t until about 6 years ago that the leaders changed it so the fights are bare fist. The idea was that with the fights inflicting pain, it would push the initiates to be better so they’d be more Dauntless.” I’m amazed that Ezi knows this because I didn’t. I’ll have to remember to ask him about it later.

“Would you be able to find them?” Four looks hopefully at Zeke.

“Yeah, they’re just in the storage closet of the training room with the rest of the equipment that doesn’t need to be used regularly. It’s unlocked so people can pull out equipment as they need it. The gloves are probably toward the back. If we can find them, then count me in to help.”

“If you’re going to use the padded gloves then you should score the fights like they used to.” The familiar voice beside me says. I turn to see that Amar has sat down on the other side of me sometime in all of this.

“How did they used to score fights?”

“You could concede to end the fight or if you were down for more than 5 seconds you automatically conceded. Or you can do it by giving points for each blow landed on the torso or face within a set amount of time. That method accounts for the fact that the padded gloves eliminate most of the pain and injury you would feel if it were a bare fisted fight. That way there’s still competition without the brutality.” Amar says each sentence with a matter of fact tone; as if he’s reading off instructions instead of telling us that initiation used to actually not result in initiates in the infirmary regularly. While initiates can still concede fights, that doesn’t change the fact that there’s usually at least one person who is hurt pretty severely in each fight anyway. No one responds to Amar’s statement other than Four who gives a quick nod, which I take to mean that after lunch he’ll probably go looking through the storage closet.

There’s a slightly pained silence for a few minutes until Amar finally breaks it. “How is job training going for all of you?” I tune out the rest of the conversation, not really wanting to think about it because it just makes me nervous for when I’ll have to go through that.

I begin to head toward the hall after I’ve thrown away the remnants of lunch and placed my dirty dishes in the bins for the kitchen staff. Thoughts and questions from the conversation swirl in my mind as I walk and don’t stop until I’m startled from them by someone tugging at my elbow when I am just entering the hallway.

“Where are you headed?” Four’s tone may sound like Amar’s when he says it but I know he doesn’t mean it to sound like I’m in trouble.

“I was going to go back to the training room and see if I could find the gloves like Zeke mentioned.” I leave off saying ‘since I figured that’s what you were going to do,’ because Four doesn’t need to know that I’d rather spend my Sunday afternoon with him digging around in a dusty storage closet than doing something else.

“I was headed that way too. I’ll walk with you.”

“Careful, you might get a reputation for being nice to Dauntless kids. Wouldn’t that ruin your intimidating persona?”

“I’ll worry about that after we find what we’re looking for.” Four opens the door to the training room and we both walk in. I notice how he watches it close behind us and only after it’s completely shut does he turn back to me to talk. “So why didn’t you want to fight Zeke or Uriah? Tris, you can’t seriously be worried that you wouldn’t beat them; I can already tell you you’re a better fighter than Zeke.”

“Four, I know I could beat them. I’m not worried about that.”

He takes a step forward and when he speaks again his voice is low and soft. “Then what is it? You seemed upset at me that I wouldn’t fight you but you refuse to fight Zeke and Uriah. I don’t understand.”

I close my eyes as tightly as a can so I don’t have to look at him. This is so embarrassing to admit out loud. “I don’t want to hurt them, Four. They’re my brothers and while they may be bigger than I am I know I’d have to hurt them to win a fight against them. I can’t do that; I’m supposed to protect them.”

“So you don’t want to hurt them and that’s why you don’t want to fight them. But you’re OK with hurting me?” I have to be imagining the disappointment I detect in his voice because it doesn’t make sense.

The conversation is making me feel flustered and a bit irritated and I can’t stop the sigh that escapes from me as I try to figure out how to explain what I mean. “I don’t want to hurt you either, just like you clearly don’t want to fight me because you don’t want to hurt me. I just don’t think I could hurt you, even if I did fight you. It doesn’t seem possible.” I hope he doesn’t make me explain what I mean because I don’t want to have to confess anything more concerning my thoughts about him.

“You of all people should know not to believe the rumors about me not feeling pain. I am certain you’d be able to hurt me, even if you don’t think so.”

I ignore the comment, not knowing what to do with it and instead we enter the dusty storage room in search of the gloves Ezi mentioned.


	4. Four

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is a shorter chapter. I promise more is coming soon. Leave any thoughts or feedback in the comments!
> 
> Disclaimer: I don't own Divergent or the characters, etc.

** Four **

The buzzing of the tattoo needle is something I’ve discovered to be oddly calming. It’s a steady sound and I know exactly what comes with it when the pitch changes as it meets my skin--the sharp scraping feeling and vibration as the ink permeates through the layers. The predictability of it is enough to lull me into a light daze with my eyes closed. Tory’s concentrating on the design she’s creating on my back so there’s been a comfortable silence for more than a half hour. I appreciate it—sometimes I wonder how I’m ever going to get used to the constant raucous that is Dauntless.

“So I hear you’re training Lady Zeke.” Tory says it softly, almost unsure. It’s as if she thinks I’m a wild animal that will startle and bolt if she’s not careful. Though, if I were holding a tattoo needle to someone’s skin, I’d probably be careful about startling him, too. 

“Lady Zeke? Is that what people call Tris?”

I hear a soft laugh from her. “No, just a couple of us. Amar started calling her that when she was a kid. She used to follow Zeke around everywhere once she started walking so Amar originally called her Little Zeke. Over time it became Lady Zeke since Uriah looks more like Little Zeke than Tris does.” 

“Now Zeke looks more like Little Uriah.” 

“Yeah, you’re right but I won’t tell him you said that. So what made you decide to train Tris?”

“She seemed worried about whether she’d be able to keep up with the other Dauntless by the time initiation comes around, so I told her I’d practice with her if it would make her feel better. She doesn’t need it, though. I know she’d be able to easily beat anyone else in her initiate class without my help. At the rate she’s going, in fact, she’ll be able to win a fight with anyone in the compound before she’s an actual member. She doesn’t need me, really.” It feels nice to be honest about it, even if it’s a little odd to also be sharing my thoughts so openly with someone. While I like Tory, I can’t shake the habit of being guarded about my thoughts and feelings. 

“So why do you think she wanted help, then?” 

“She’s nervous about Eric. Apparently they have a long history of her beating him in fights and she’s worried that will change now he’s a member.” 

“Yeah, I ‘ve heard Zeke and Amar mention their fights before.” 

“Any idea what it’s about—their issue with each other?” I’d ask Zeke but I know he won’t want to talk about it. 

“No. No one knows but them, I think. Even Zeke doesn’t know and if Uriah does, he hasn’t said anything.” Tory’s response surprises me because I assumed the Pedrad siblings told each other everything. The three of them are so close I assumed they had no secrets. 

“Wow, I didn’t know they had any secrets from each other.”

“Well, they at least have that one. So you’re finding Lady Zeke is good, eh?” 

“Yes. Zeke had told me she was a natural but I had no idea. I’ve only been training her for a couple months and she’s remarkable. Honestly, I think the only reason she isn’t already better is because she doesn’t have enough challenging competition. She’s reluctant to fight anyone she knows or cares about so that’s limited the amount of available competition.” 

“Yeah, especially because she knows so much of the compound—she’s easily the most recognizable Dauntless member after the leaders or maybe you, now.”   I don’t know why but a smile hints at my lips in response to her statement. 

I’ve spent my entire life attempting to blend in to the background so no one would notice me and now I’m finding that I no longer blend in; now people know Four. Tobias is gone forever because no one knew him and instead everyone knows Four. They know the Dauntless Prodigy who has the least number of fears and a perfect fighting record. Maybe being known isn’t such a bad thing. 

“Zeke told us where to find the padded gloves they used to use for the fighting portion of initiation, and Tris seems to be OK fighting more people with those. Amar told us how they used to score fights so that should help, too.” 

“Well, in that case, let me know if you want me to come fight Lady Zeke sometime. I could use the practice and would be glad to do it if it will help.” 

“I will.” 

We’re silent for a few more minutes and I wonder if our conversation is over until Tory clears her throat again. 

“Four, can I ask you a question?”

I don’t know if I like this idea but I’ll go with it. “Yes.” 

“Why did you leave the leader-in-training program?” 

“I realized that my thoughts on what Dauntless should and could be weren’t welcome.” 

“Hmmm. That sounds to me like Lady Zeke isn’t the only one with an issue with Eric.” 

“Well, I did knock out one of his teeth.” 

Tory only laughs and we fall back into silence. I allow my thoughts to drive while she works. Tory was originally hesitant to agree to do my tattoo since having all five factions is considered risky, traitorous and ultimately divergent. But like most of my life, this too will remain a secret seen and known by no one. Just another secret in a long line of them. 

What secrets does Tris have? Zeke’s revelation about her parents struck a chord with me and I can’t shake the feeling that somehow she and I are the same. We both have pain from our childhoods—albeit different pain—and we both are determined to survive and fight back against people and things that push us around. If I’m truly honest with myself, I can admit that I suspect we’re both alike in being Divergent. And even though Tris was born in Dauntless, the fact that she won’t fight people she knows, doesn’t want to hurt others, protects people who are bullied and I suspect doesn’t initiate fights, reminds me of the selflessness of my old faction. She may have always worn the Dauntless black but there’s a little bit of Abnegation gray in her, too. 

Thinking of my old faction with fondness is not something I can say I’m used to. I haven’t done it much in my life. Having my father—the leader of the faction—beat me mercilessly for years left the residual feelings of resentment towards it. I don’t know if anyone ever figured out what he did to me, or my mother before she died, but what essentially became years of solitary confinement made me skeptical of them and whether anyone there truly lives by the Abnegation principles. 

I can’t imagine Tris truly fitting in and being one of them—she isn’t meek and I can’t see her ignoring someone like Marcus, even if he is the leader. No, Tris is truly Divergent because she has the good traits—the ideal traits—of Abnegation but with the blend of true Dauntless bravery. Then again, bravery and selflessness aren’t all that different in my eyes.

It’s probably foolish to think about these things. It’s foolish to think we’re the same or to feel this strange magnetic pull; this urge to reveal to her the secrets I’ve carefully hidden so well from everyone. She may be different from anyone I’ve ever met with a fire and determination I couldn’t have ever pictured in such a small yet powerful girl, but that doesn’t mean that she won’t be repelled by the secrets I carry. I’m damaged. I’m broken, really, and that won’t change. The thought of her rejecting me and wanting nothing to do with me is terrifying. 

It’s OK: I’m only being foolish. I’m not really allowed to be close to her until she’s a member anyway. She might not even choose Dauntless when she’s 16 and then I’d just be left with pain. It’s best to continue the way I started out—treat her like I would any friend’s sibling, since that’s what she is after all, and like an instructor would treat a student. 

It will be better this way.


	5. Amar

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> As a note: this chapter jumps ahead in time about a year. Also, in case you hadn't figured it out by the chapter title, Amar isn't dead in this universe. It will be explained later.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This isn't the best proofread chapter in the world. My apologies.
> 
> Disclaimer: I still don't own Divergent, its characters, etc.

** Amar **

I once read a book about time travel when I was twelve. Since I was Dauntless, I hid it under my mattress and would read it only after everyone went to bed.   Maybe that was cowardly or maybe it was brave. I don’t know. I didn’t want anyone to know that I was reading books outside of the ones for school, especially ones on subjects that related to science or math because then I might be seen as a faction traitor or possibly Divergent and I didn’t want my grandparents to have to deal with it. I was born Dauntless and I knew I would be Dauntless when it came time to choose. There wasn’t really another choice for me, I thought. I guess I shouldn’t have been surprised after all of that, then, when my aptitude test revealed I had an aptitude for both Dauntless and Erudite.

But I digress. The book’s author postulated that time was non linear and instead was more like a coil that wound around and looped over itself at different places. It went on that time intersected at different points at which you or someone else made an important decision. That was what made it possible to travel time—you could use that intersection to jump back to the decision point and potentially change it. That change would then ripple out and change the rest of your life—really, everyone’s lives-- and other decisions based on the effects of changing that one decision. I was fascinated by the idea and still am.

If I had the ability to travel through time like that book suggests, I would use it to go back to whatever night Four decided he would go on a double date with Zeke and those girls. OK, so if I’m honest, I know it would mean I would really have to go back to initiation night this year to stop things where they began.

Four was an instructor with me for the first time this year and it was my idea that he come out for New Member Dare after final rankings were posted and our initiates were officially new members. I knew that this was a rite of passage for the new members and having their instructors there to celebrate and take part in it would make being Dauntless real for them. Besides, I remember Four as an initiate who never talked to anyone and didn’t have friends until his class played Dare. While I know that’s not what his life is like now, I still can’t control the instinct I have to make him be social. I regret that decision and that instinct now.

It was good to see Four cut loose for what I suspect was the second time in his life. At least I knew it was the second time I had seen him have fun and drink. Halfway through the night he was pretty well drunk and I’m not sure that he had really ever drank other than the last time I saw him do it, which was a year before. That was the same night he ended up getting a tattoo as his dare. This time I couldn’t have predicted turning around to see Emily kiss him, though. It was just a second and I saw how he turned bright red and walked away from her, clearly nervous and embarrassed.

I know Four has always been uncomfortable with affection and women. At first I thought that maybe the latter was because he identified the way I do but after a while I realized that it was just that he was uncomfortable with affection generally. The Abnegation roots he has made him embarrassed by the public affection.

I wasn’t surprised that Emily kissed him, though, because she’s liked him since he ranked first in their initiate class. Pretty much every girl in his class has, other than Shauna. He’s never noticed them, though. It’s always seemed like he was waiting for someone and none of them were her. When I first saw the kiss, I figured it would do him some good and then be forgotten. No one would need to know; especially not Tris-- also affectionately known to me as Lady Zeke.

Apparently I had forgotten how big of a mouth my friend Ezekial has. He’s practically the rumor mill of Dauntless all by himself. Being Four’s closest friend, he knew about the kiss almost instantaneously and that meant pretty much everyone knew—including Ezekial’s sister.

Since initiation was on a Thursday, Ezekial had plenty of time to force Four into a double date that Saturday night. Even though Four is most likely the worst first date that a woman could imagine, Emily didn’t care and still wanted to see him again. I guess there’s no accounting for taste. Despite that, he and Ezekial still spent most of the night at the bar, commiserating about how tragic Four is at dating.

The following morning, however, Tris didn’t take kindly to Four showing up late and hung over for their training session. They’ve been meeting every Sunday to train for the past year without fail; even during initiation. It doesn’t take an Erudite aptitude to know that she would be upset when he showed up in his sorry state. The extent of the damage, however, wasn’t clear to me until lunch that Sunday.

I sat down next to Tris like I usually do every Sunday now. “How’s training with Four going? Learn to do something useless like throw knives yet?”

She huffs angrily and I can feel my spine stiffen. This is much worse than I originally thought. “I can’t imagine learning anything useless today because I wouldn’t have learned anything useful today either. It’s difficult to learn anything at all when your trainer is useless entirely.” She glares over at Four who is clearly still nursing his hang over.

He groans for a moment and shoots an angry look back at her. “It’s easier to teach someone if they don’t spend hours shrieking at you because you decided to go have fun for one night.”

“I don’t care what you do in your spare time, Four.” Tris tries to sound convincing but she’s not—at least she’s not to me. I can hear the bitter jealousy that she’s carefully trying to mask.

“Then don’t pry into it.” Four shoots it back quickly with a growl.

I swear to god I’m looking forward in time and watching the fights they’ll have as an old married couple in this instant. I know this is the first time they’ve ever really fought with each other and it needs to not happen here and now if they’re ever going to get over it. Four is too inexperienced to know this and Tris is too stubborn to acknowledge her own feelings of hurt that are driving her right now.

I become Four’s instructor and Tris’s babysitter again. Really, they’re the same thing, functionally. “You two, stop it now. We don’t need to hear your stupid, childish tiff. Take it outside. Go for a walk. I don’t care what you do; just get out of here. Now.”

They both look startled but they rise, almost mechanically, and walk out. They leave the room and our conversation resumes. Dauntless meals are always loud so I’m surprised when I still hear over the din the faint sounds of Four and Tris arguing in the hallway. It’s as if they want all of Dauntless to know. I can’t stand it so I cut an efficient, direct path through the dining area and out to where I can hear them in the hall.

“I don’t care about what you do in your spare time, Four, as long as it doesn’t mean you end up wasting my time.” Tris is inches away from Four’s face, angrily yelling the words at him as she jabs her finger close to his eye.

“Yeah, you yelling at me about it over and over again makes it seem like you really don’t care.” Four’s arms are folded across his chest and his tone is quiet, like it is when he’s trying to scare the initiates. Even I don’t like that tone but I’ve learned to ignore it. I have to admit, though, his point is good but I think it’s lost on both of them, really.

I can’t stand watching this.

“Will you two stop? Do you want all of Dauntless to know how ridiculous you’re being? Do you both want to be the largest children of Dauntless?” I say it barely above a whisper to punctuate my point. “I don’t care what this is about but it’s done now. Do whatever you need to do to get over it but I will not sit through another meal where you two fight incessantly. Four, if you don’t want Ezekial to hate you forever you will make nice with his baby sister. Tris, if you want me to ever talk to you again, you’ll stop this ridiculousness. Am I clear?” There’s only silence from them and it irritates me. “Am. I. Clear?”

“Yes.” They say it in unison and I know I’ve settled this at least for today.

If only that had settled it forever. I am, however, not that good at conflict resolution, as it turns out. Maybe I should have been more specific about how it would be solved.

The next Friday I am leaning against the doorframe of the entrance to the control room. I figured I’d stop by to check in with Ezekial before heading to Hana’s apartment to check on Tris and Uriah. Hana’s gone for 4 weeks this stretch and I agreed to check in on them even though it’s Friday night. Ezekial is working a lot of weekday twelve-hour day shifts so it’s hard for him to go see them during the week. Even though Tris and Uriah are both 15 and no one technically has to check on them anymore, I know Ezekial likes to and I just like to see them. They never seem to mind, either.

“Alright, Ezekial, is there anything you want me to pass along to the twins for you?”

Ezekial rolls his eyes. He hates it when I call him Ezekial and I know it. “Yeah, tell them not to call me Ezekial. God, you’re as bad as Ri some days. But also, remind them that Mom expects the apartment to be in order when she comes back on Thursday. She was ticked when she came back and Uriah hadn’t cleaned up last time. Other than that, tell Uriah not to do anything too dumb and tell Ri I’ll see her at lunch on Sunday like usual.” I imply the rest, which is that Ezekial will stop by sometime on Saturday to talk to Tris like he always does. It’s not to really check on her but just because he likes to come and talk. He won’t admit it but he wants big brother time with her. Tris told me about this ritual, but he doesn’t want anyone to know so I’ve never mentioned to him that I know about it.

“OK. I’ll pass it on, Ezekial.” I glance over to see that Four is standing in the corner but I don’t know why he’s there. It’s not his shift.

“Hey, can you pass something along to them from me?” Four looks over at me with a look that I don’t like.

“Sure. What is it, Four?” I take the bait and instantly know I’ll regret it.

“Ask Tris why she’s holding an inter-faction party while her Mom is gone.”

Well, Four apparently has an axe to grind about this. I knew about the party but Uriah told me it was his idea, even though I was pretty sure it wasn’t. It didn’t seem like something he would do. Tris was always the curious one and seemed to mingle with other factions even if Uriah was the friendlier of the other two but I committed myself to claiming it was Uriah’s idea; mostly because I know that’s also what they told Ezekial. Either way, Dauntless kids throwing parties is nothing new—it’s standard around here, especially when their parents are out on the fence. I’d be more surprised if they didn’t throw a party.

“Wait, Lady Zeke is holding the party? I thought it was Little Zeke who was. Are you sure, Four? I think you have your facts backwards.” I stare at Four hard and use the tone he came to know during initiation—the one where I am both affable and terrifying. It’s my favorite, frankly.

“No, it’s Tris who’s holding it.” There’s coldness in Four’s voice when he says it that even makes me want to shiver. I don’t think I’ve heard it ever before.

“Well, that’s news to me. Usually Uriah is the party hound.” I say it flippantly, hoping that Ezekial won’t pick up on the fact that this entire situation is weird.

The last thing I need right now is him or Four tagging along to check in on them. Tris and Uriah may not generally mind that Ezekial and I stop by even though we don’t need to but there’s a good chance they’ll start to mind if Ezekial or Four come along acting paranoid about an innocent party. Ezekial threw his fair share of parties when he was a teenager when he was much younger than this and I would check in on them. Some nights I’d even take Tris and Uriah to my apartment so he could throw a party without them there. We traded understanding like that but I’m not sure that Ezekial’s protectiveness over Tris will allow him to see that this is the same situation.

Ezekial looks thoughtful for a moment. “Four, do you mind dropping by with Amar? Between the two of you maybe you can make it clear to whoever her friends are that have come over that they need to act…appropriately.”

I can’t stop the incredulous laugh that I let out. “Yeah, Ezekial, you were so appropriate when you were her age. Remember all of the parties you threw when your Mom was gone? Why should you deny them what you got to have?”

“My parties were Dauntless parties. I thought this was just one of Uriah’s Dauntless parties but it’s not. This is an inter-faction party and I don’t know these people.” Ezekial says it with such finality, that I become convinced of what I was worried about in the first place: Ezekial has heard the rumor that a boy from Candor likes his baby sister. That’s what this is really about.

I can’t even recollect how I know it exactly—meaning, who the original source of the information is. All I know is that I heard that shortly after the rumor spread throughout Dauntless that Four was seeing someone, a boy Tris’s age started to publicly take a shining to her. From what I’ve heard she hasn’t exactly gone running away from him as I’ve known her to do whenever a guy who isn’t gay or related to her looks at her. The fact that she isn’t running away probably terrifies Ezekial. The idea of Tris being heartbroken is the worst fate he can imagine because it’s the only thing that he can’t really protect her from, but he’ll try his damnedest.

I step over so I am standing behind Ezekial’s chair and hope I can reason with him. “Ezekial, don’t do this. They’re fifteen and it’s just a party. They can throw one and they don’t need us to check on them anymore. You would have hated me when you were her age if I had walked in to one of your parties with Max or someone to break it up. Just leave it to me to go over and check things out. You know Tris; she’s smart and a good judge of people. Her party will probably be more tame than any of yours were.”

“They’re probably playing Candor or Dauntless, Amar.”

“Yes, they probably are and who cares? She knows how to wear layers. She’s a big girl. I mean, Ezekial, she’s going to be choosing a faction in less than a year; she’s old enough to know these things.”   I know that Tris has the distinct advantage of practically being raised exclusively by Ezekial and I, which means she knows how things like Candor or Dauntless work and that she’ll need to wear extra clothes so she can avoid dares or truths she doesn’t like without revealing other things she doesn’t want to. Add to that the fact that she’s probably the smartest person in this compound and I know there’s no reason to worry about her. While I don’t think she’s ever personally played the game, I know she’s already figured out the best strategy.

“I can’t believe you’re saying this about Ri, Amar. This is Ri—my baby sister. This is the girl who you and I practically helped my Mom raise that we’re talking about.”

“Yes, Lady Zeke who is 15, smarter than practically everyone in this compound and tougher than a vast majority of the city already, including you and probably me. Ri, who has fought and won against Eric even when you can’t. You made much worse decisions at 15 than I think she ever will. Hell, you’ve made worse decisions in the past week than she does. Just let it go, Ezekial; let her have a little fun without you interfering.”

Ezekial looks over at me but I can tell by the concern in his eyes that while he may hear what I’m saying, the part of him filled with irrational fear can’t internalize my advice. “Four, go with Amar. Be sure to introduce yourself. Everyone knows who the Dauntless Prodigy is.”

Both Ezekial and Four seem satisfied by this plan. I really can’t do anything about it because Ezekial is her brother and I’m just a stand in. I could refuse to drop by the apartment but that will just mean that Ezekial will find a way to go with Four or just send Four by himself. It’s better if I’m at least there.

I will, however, tell Four how stupid of an idea this is when we’re not in front of Ezekial. I know this is just going to make whatever is going on between him and Tris worse. Even if they’re not able to recognize that everything that is happening right now is out of jealousy and anger, I know it’s my job to at least keep them from doing something to irreversibly harm their friendship.

Four follows me out of the Control Room and we make our way to the Pedrads’ apartment. If I ever thought that Four radiated anger when he was an initiate, this is a new level of it. I can’t even believe how ridiculous he’s being so I throw my arm out in front of his chest to stop him.

“You understand that if you crash this party the way I think you want to, that you and Tris will never be able to even be friends, right? Not even when she’s a member. She will hate you forever. She doesn’t hold grudges often but I’ve known Tris since she could walk and I know and she will hold one against you for it. It won’t matter if you’re in the same faction or not.” I glare at him as I say it and don’t stop as the heavy silence hangs between us, threatening to suffocate us.

“What am I supposed to do then?” When he asks it I am struck by how he sounds like a 12-year-old who has his first crush asking how to go about holding a girl’s hand. He really has no clue what he’s doing. In this moment he’s still the skinny kid from Abnegation who just wants to get through initiation. He needs his instructor right now.

“Just come in with me. You can look foreboding as usual since I don’t think you can manage any other look, especially right now. But be nice, Four. Tris has never really made a lot of good friends and while she has a great family, her childhood was filled with sadness. This is the first time she’s done anything like this and she should be able to do this without Ezekial or you interfering. Just stay quiet and let her have her fun for the night like you did when you came to the night of Dare when you were an initiate.”

Four lets out a breath and looks like he relaxes just slightly. “OK, Amar. I’ll try my best.” I guess I’ll have to settle for that.

I turn around the corner and approach the apartment door. I knock twice before turning the knob that I know is unlocked. I can hear the soft laughter and giggles coming from the main living area of the apartment as I push the door open. As soon as I step into the room with Four, every eye turns towards us from the group, which is sitting in a circle on various pieces of furniture and suddenly is very silent. I guess that two muscled men in Dauntless black naturally have that effect on a group of 15-year-olds.

From looking around the room at the different colored clothing I can see that it’s a mix of mostly Dauntless, Erudite and Candor. There’s one Amity boy who looks vaguely familiar but I can’t figure out why. Tris is sitting next to a boy who is wearing the Candor black and white with short, dark hair, alabaster skin and wide, dark green eyes. Since Tris is sitting so comfortably close to him, I assume this is the Candor boy who has taken an interest in her. I can understand why Tris hasn’t run in the other direction—he’s cute. I silently hope that he’s not an asshole, for all of our sakes.

“Hey, Amar. It’s good to see you. I didn’t realize Four would be with you.” Tris tries to say it coolly as she gets up and comes over to hug me. I know she’s trying to hide her feelings but I can tell she feels suspicious of us and is very angry, too.

“Ezekial thought Four needed to get out more so he came with me. We’re just stopping by to say hi and see if you need anything before we’re on our way.”

“And we thought we’d stay a while. It’s Friday night and Amar and I had some time on our hands. We thought we’d join you.” Four says it as he walks over and takes a seat by Uriah. “What are you doing, anyway?” I can tell by the cups in front of everyone except Tris that they’re drinking. The circle tells me that they’re playing a game.

“We’re playing Candor or Dauntless, Four.” Marlene adds in, clearly already tipsy enough to not realize that revealing that to Four was a dumb idea.

“What’s that?” Four asks it sincerely and for a moment I remember that he’s not Dauntless born so he wouldn’t know. Uriah explains the game to Four while Tris glares at me.

“Don’t worry; we’ll be leaving soon and your night will go back to normal. Four will be nice, though; I made him promise.” I say it barely above a whisper so only Tris hears me.

“Alright, Amar, I trust you. You’re responsible for him, though.” Tris tries to give me her best authoritative tone but she knows it doesn’t work on me. I’m 5 years older than her and somewhere between an older brother and a parent at this point. I’m sure it works on her brothers, though.

“He’ll be fine, Lady Zeke. So is that your green eyed Candor angel over there?” I nod my head over in the direction of where she was sitting when I walked into the room. I know my assumption is right when she begins to turn a deep scarlet.

“Peter? I guess you heard about that, then.” I nod my head slowly and smirk at the shy smile that begins to cross her face. “Yes, that’s him. He likes me, I guess.” She pauses and I know there’s more. I quirk my eyebrow in question, hoping that she’ll explain without me asking. Her grin broadens and she rocks back on her heels for a moment before leaning toward me. “He kissed me, Amar.”

Her innocence has always been one of the things that has repeatedly struck me over the years. It can be easy to forget how young Tris actually is because she acts mature for her age but there are always hints that remind me that right now she’s just barely a 15-year-old girl. Despite being Dauntless and surrounded by people who make dangerous and bad decisions, Tris has always been tamer than the rest— for instance, I know she’s the only one in this room not drinking right now, even though Dauntless rules allow for it. She may be a good fighter already and brave but she isn’t a bully like many of her peers can be.

Her soft confession that this Candor kid kissed her reminds me how she’s so different from Ezekial or Uriah or even me. I have no doubts that Uriah has already done more than her and Ezekial will chase after anything that is female. Meanwhile, she’s blushing furiously because she’s telling me about what I’m sure is her first kiss.

“Of course he likes you. If it were acceptable for members to date you more than half of the Dauntless men would be lined up for you. The real question is whether you like him.” I offer it with a friendly smile, not saying what I really suspect is happening here.

Before Tris can respond, Marlene calls over to her to join them. She takes a seat next to Peter, carefully placing herself so she’s right next to him on the couch; not quite touching him but so close that it’s obvious she wants to. Peter smirks at her before carefully stretching an arm out along the back of the couch, over her shoulders and then closing the space between them so their legs are touching and she’s tucked against his side. I have to admit for being 15 he did it pretty smoothly. It makes me worry briefly about how many times he’s done that with how many other girls but that's the type of thought Ezekial would have.

One glance over to Four makes me want to laugh out loud but I stop myself. Tris doesn’t notice the murderous look he’s shooting at Peter because she and Peter are busy talking but I don’t miss it. If I had any doubts about whether Four had feelings for Tris, they would be erased entirely in this moment. He’s practically seething with jealousy. Uriah, I have to admit, is a really perceptive brother because what he does next is the perfect way of breaking the moment without calling attention to what is happening.

“I’m going to grab another drink. Tris, do you want something while I’m up?” Tris and Uriah have been a practical hive mind since they were toddlers so I’m not surprised that one word from her twin is enough to pull her attention away from Peter.

“Just water, please.”

Four’s eyebrows shoot up. “You’re not drinking?’

“No, I don’t feel like it.” Tris offers tersely.

“Wow, I don’t think I’ve met a Dauntless girl who didn’t drink at a party. You have some pretty Stiff habits for someone from Dauntless.” Peter says it with a smile as if he’s joking but the words rub me wrong all the same.

They clearly have the same effect on Tris, and more obviously, Four. “You haven’t met many Dauntless women, then. You also obviously don’t know much about Dauntless because if you did, you’d know that insulting a Dauntless girl is asking for pain.”   Tris shoots Four a withering look as he finishes the statement.

Peter just rolls his eyes. “I wasn’t insulting her. Besides, what would you do, fight me?”

“Peter, you’re such an idiot Candor. You know Tris doesn’t need Four to fight you; she’ll kick your ass herself. You’ve seen her fight before. God, does anyone in your faction know how to shut their mouths?” Marlene’s drunken proclamation draws a laugh from everyone as Uriah comes back into the room and hands Tris her glass of water.

“Frankly, I’m glad that my twin sister is so tough; it means I don’t have to jeopardize my beautiful face ever because she’ll protect me. If you were smart, Peter, you’d realize that your best bet is to keep her happy so she’ll fight your battles for you.” Uriah offers it with a wide grin and even Tris has to chuckle at it.

Peter frowns a little and looks over to Tris to address her, “I’d hate for you to get hurt because of me.” He runs a knuckle over her cheek as he says it, his eyes wide and innocent as he looks at her. This guy is really smooth.

“Tris doesn’t get hurt; she’s too fast for anyone to be able to touch her.” Four snaps and Peter’s attention goes over to him, his eyes narrowing. “I can’t say the same for any of the people she fights.”

Tris looks over to me with a look that tells me Four has officially over stayed his welcome and we should go. I nod because I know she’s right: I need to get him out of here.

“As exciting as it is to hear about how great of a fighter I am, Amar, don’t you and Four need to get going? I’d hate for you two to be stuck with us all night.” Tris turns her head to level her scowl at Four. “I’m sure Emily will wonder where you are, Four.”

He opens his mouth to speak but I cut him off before he can make this any worse, “Four and I were planning on going to the bar together tonight because Emily is out. Speaking of which, Four, Tris is right; we should get going. There are some people waiting for us.” I’m lying but no one needs to know that; hopefully the Candor kid doesn’t pick up on it. Four looks at me confused and I’m very worried I’m going to have to drag him out of the apartment to get him to leave.

“I’ll walk you two out, then.” Tris stands up from the couch and crosses to me. Four finally takes the hint and gets up as well, coming to stand next to me.

“Have a good night, everyone. Peter, remember not to piss off Tris if you like your face the way it is.” I say it with a smile even though secretly I would like to grab him by the shirt collar and yell it in his face. Ezekial must be rubbing off on me. I have bigger issues to deal with than scaring some Candor kid right now and my mind snaps back to Four and Tris.

We walk to the front door, Tris on our heels like a dog chasing us out. She follows us into the hallway and I know there’s no way to stop what will happen next. Once the door closes behind her, Tris crosses her arms and scowls at Four.

“Well, that was fun. Let’s _not_ do that again, shall we?”

Four huffs with annoyance, which is exactly the wrong reaction. He crosses his arms and scowls back at her; a six foot tall mirror image. “Be careful, Tris. I don’t like the way he talked to you earlier.”

Tris snorts and shakes her head at him. She’s hot with anger and it’s about to bubble over. “Go find Emily, Four. You’re her problem. You’re not my brother, you’re not my father, you’re certainly not my boyfriend and I don’t need a babysitter anymore. You’re my instructor, my trainer, and my brother’s best friend. Just stick to that and leave the rest of my life alone, OK?” The flash of pain in Four’s eyes is brief before he forces it down but it’s there. I can tell that Tris is too consumed with her anger to see it, though.

“Yes.” The response is deathly quiet. This is going to be a long night.

Tris turns on her heel and stalks back into the apartment, slamming the door behind her. Four doesn’t move a muscle; he doesn’t even flinch at the bang of the door shutting. I don’t recall being scared of Four before but at this moment I am just slightly.

“That could have gone better.” I chuckle as I say it. This is the only way I know to snap him out of one of his moods.

“I don’t understand what just happened.”

“What happened was you were an idiot. You really are terrible with women.”

Four’s eyes meet mine, not betraying any of his thoughts or feelings. “That Peter guy is trouble. I don’t like him.”

“Why do you care, Four? You’re dating Emily.”

Four’s shoulders drop slightly and he looks at me almost helplessly. “I don’t actually like Emily, Amar. Zeke just wanted to set me up with her and she keeps wanting to see me. That’s all.”  
  
I rub my hand over my face, exasperated by how thick Four can be sometimes. “Have you told her this?”

“I didn’t want to hurt her feelings.”

“So what are you planning to do? Wait until she thinks you’re going to marry her or something to break the news to her? Do you think it’s going to hurt her less later?”

His eyes drop to the floor as he shoves his hands in his pockets. He’s obviously not thought this out and he’s just realizing it. “No, you’re right. I thought I was being selfless by sparing her feelings but really I’m not. I should be honest with her if I don’t want to hurt her any more.”

“So what is going on with you and Tris?”

The look Four gives me is so pained that I can feel my chest aching just slightly in sympathy for him. “You heard what Tris said; I’m her instructor.” He whispers it and runs a hand over his face and through his hair. I wish that gesture could take back what happened but it won’t.

“She said that because she’s angry at you over what’s been going on between the two of you lately, not to mention whatever it was you were trying to do in there tonight. Hell, if I were her I’d be mad at you, too.” I don’t want to be unkind but he needs to understand that he’s bringing this on himself.

“I’m just her trainer, her instructor, Amar. That’s all I can be.”

My eyes roll involuntarily. He’s pitiful and irritating when he sulks. “OK, Four, whatever you say. But I am taking your place at your training session with Tris on Sunday. I know you’re going out tomorrow night so there’s no way you’re going to be in any shape to be useful. If you ever want to be anything more than Tris’s instructor you can’t afford a repeat of last Sunday. Besides, I’m not going to get the chance to teach her next year since I won’t be training initiates anymore. I need to get it in now while I can.”

Four just nods, which I take as a declaration of defeat from him. “OK, Amar.”

“Now let’s go before we end up in the middle of someone’s dare.

 

When I see Four, Emily, Ezekial and whoever Ezekial’s date is the next night, I don’t go over to talk with them. When Four pulls Emily aside and says something to her, she suddenly gets a dark look on her face and I know he must have told her what he told me last night. Poor Emily couldn’t have known that Four was stuck on Tris long before he met her. I briefly debate going over to Four and accompanying him and Ezekial to the bar since I’m certain that’s where they’re going to end up but decide against it and go back to my friends.

 

-*-*-*-

“What are you doing here?” Lady Zeke has always known how to make a guy feel welcome.

“Good morning to you, too, Lady Zeke.” I flash a grin at her as I casually stroll into the training room. Her punching bag is swinging lightly still from the impact of the punches she landed on it just before she realized I was here. “It’s Sunday morning, which is when you train. You can’t train without a trainer, now can you?”

“Where’s Four?”

“I asked him if I could substitute for him today. Since this was my last year training initiates, I have to get my fill now and old habits die hard, you know.”

“Which is a clever lie to cover up that Four is sitting in his apartment, nursing a hangover after his date with Emily last night. Why are you lying for Four, Amar?”

I shrug at her. “What does it matter what Four is doing?”

“It doesn’t. He’s my trainer; that’s all.”

“Mmhmm. So does your Candor boyfriend know that you’re only dating him because you’re mad at your trainer and jealous of your trainer dating Emily?”

The shock on her face is all the answer I would need. After a moment she tries to hide it but it’s too late. “I’m not jealous. I’m mad that Four was inconsiderate last Sunday and wasted my time. I’m mad that he came over and acted like I needed supervision like I’m a child. I don’t need any more brothers, Amar. I don’t need more people thinking they need to protect me.”

“I know, Tris. I’ve known it since you were barely a mite. I also know when you’re hurt and you’re acting hurt now. Just don’t hurt someone else because you’re upset that Four is dating someone. That Peter kid at least deserves the truth. I’m surprised he doesn’t know it already since he’s from Candor. I guess he’ll be transferring next year.” Tris giggles a little towards the end. I’m glad to hear it; I’ve never been able to stomach her being upset for too long.

“It doesn’t matter anymore. We fought last night and I’m pretty sure we broke up if we were even together to begin with. I thought about what you said last night—saying that it mattered if I liked him, not just if he liked me—and I knew I didn’t. It didn’t seem right to keep trying to convince myself and everyone else that I did.”

“Sorry, Ri.”

“It’s fine. But Amar, none of this had nothing to do with Four.” Her voice cracks just slightly when she says it so I step forward and wrap her in a hug.

“Of course it didn't.” There’s no use hurting her pride and making her confess something we both already know the other one knows. “So, how about this: let’s fight today—you and I. But let’s skip the padded gloves. I don’t want to baby you and you couldn’t get a hit past me anyway.” I pull away from her enough to look down and smile.

Tris raises an eyebrow at me in response.

“Come on, are you scared, Lady Zeke?”

“Of you, old man? No, I’m not. You know I haven’t lost a fight, right? Not even to Four.”

“Well, you haven’t fought me yet.”

A few hours later, after practicing shooting and then fighting each other, Tris and I walk into the dining hall for lunch. We’re late so it’s packed and conversations either stop or get quieter when we enter. Most of the room is looking at us, or I should say they’re looking at our injuries. While my darker skin hides bruises a bit better, it’s still obvious that I have many more than she does. Perhaps some Dauntless men would be ashamed of that, and maybe I would be too if it was anyone else that I had fought, but I wear them as badges of pride in her skill and how even in the course of this morning she had somehow gotten even better.

When we sit down at our table, I see that Four looks surprisingly not terribly hung over and that he and Ezekial won’t stop staring at Tris.

“How was training this morning?” Ezekial asks cautiously.

Tris grins wide. “Great! Amar and I fought bare fisted. He gave me some great tips.”

Four raises an eyebrow at me. “You two fought? Who won?”

“I did.” She announces it with pride and I can’t help but smile along with her.

I’m glad she’s the last student I’ll teach. I just hope now that she’ll choose Dauntless next year.


	6. Four

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Another time jump for this chapter, too.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: I still don't own Divergent or the characters, etc.

** Four **

Zeke’s hand shakes me awake. Damn, I fell asleep at the monitor. I’m usually not a person who falls asleep on night shift. While I find the Control Room boring in the dead of night, I’m diligent about my work and staying alert. 

“What do you need, Zeke?” I’m trying to rub the sleep from my eyes so I can see more clearly. As he comes into focus I can tell that I’ve probably gotten more sleep than he has, despite him not being on shift tonight.

“I couldn’t sleep so I thought I’d come talk to you. You know it’s 6:30am, right? Gus is going to be in soon.”

“Yeah, thanks for waking me. What do you want to talk about?” 

“Today’s the aptitude test.” 

“Right. For Tris and Uriah. So?” I’m trying to sound casual even though I feel nervous, given my suspicions about Tris. 

“It just now became real that they could leave. My stupid brother and baby sister could leave Dauntless and live their lives somewhere else. And I can’t stop it.” Zeke’s eyes are frantic with worry. I don’t think I’ve seen him this nervous before. 

“Zeke, you’re over reacting. I can’t imagine either one of them anywhere else. Uriah and Tris are as Dauntless as they come. Besides, you were the one who told me that Tris couldn’t stand the idea of you going to another faction. Do you really think she could stand to leave you, Uriah, Amar and Hana?” 

“That was 2 years ago, Four. A lot of things can change in 2 years. That was before Eric really became a leader and before she dated some Candor kid. What if she wants to go to Candor to be with him?”

“They broke up a year ago, Zeke. They barely dated for more than a day if at all.” 

“But who knows! She could still want to be with him.” For a moment I worry for my own selfish reasons that Zeke could be right, but only for a moment.

“This is ridiculous. She would hate Candor. She’s never going to transfer there and you know it.” 

“I know nothing, Four. What if her aptitude test tells her she should be somewhere else?” 

“Then there will be nothing anyone can do about it and you’ll just have to deal with it when it happens and see her on Visiting Day like countless other familes. Worrying now won’t change it.” _Besides, you should be more worried she’ll test as a Divergent and they’ll kill her_ is the part I leave out. 

Gus and a few of the day shift walk in. I know Zeke won’t want them to see his concern over his brother and sister so it’s time to go. I need to get some sleep anyway. Aptitude tests today means I need to get ready for initiation tonight since tomorrow’s the choosing ceremony. 

“Come on, Zeke, let’s get some breakfast.” Zeke nods, looking defeated. There’s nothing either of us can do.

 

-*-*-*-

 

I hear the knocking in my dream before I jolt awake and realize it’s someone at my door. Looking over at the clock, I’m confused because it’s only 3pm. I don’t need to be anywhere until 5pm and I usually sleep for another hour when I work the night shift. What’s even more confusing, though, is that people rarely come to my apartment. I open the door to find Zeke standing in the hallway. If I thought he looked worried this morning, I’m going to have to find a new word for what he looks like now because he’s way worse.

“Four, can you come to my Mom’s apartment. Now?” 

The request concerns me; Zeke has never asked me for something like this. “Yes. What’s happening?” I close my door behind me, checking the handle to make sure it’s locked. 

“I’ll tell you when we get there.” Zeke glances at the camera perched in the corner of the hall and I immediately know this is bad. 

I think I know what it is but I hope I’m wrong.

Zeke barely has the door to Hana’s apartment closed before his words come tumbling out at a record pace. 

“Uriah and Tris came home from the aptitude test early. I found out because I stopped by here earlier and they were already home so I asked them what happened. They said they both got sick from the serum.” Oh no. I am right. “I think they’re lying and I’m worried because I think I know what that means, Four. And if if it is what I think it is, I need your help because I can’t protect them in Stage 2.” 

I nod, knowing what he ultimately wants but not sure how I’m helpful right now or why I’m here. “So what do you want me to do, Zeke?” 

“I don’t know. Right now just help me try to get them to tell us what happened. I’m worried.” 

“Where are they?”

“Tris’s room. They’re laying on the floor.” 

Zeke leads the way to Tris’s room and knocks softly before opening the door. Looking around I see the standard Dauntless black décor of every room but also her own personal touches—pictures of her, Zeke, Uriah and Hana; a picture of them with Amar; a couple books from school and the other knick knacks I suppose non Abnegation children and teenagers would collect. In the middle of the room Tris and Uriah lay with their heads next to each other but their bodies sprawled in opposite directions. Their eyes dart over from the ceiling to us in unison and then fix back on their former spot. 

“Hi Ezi. Hi Four. Want to join us?” 

“Sure, Ri.” Zeke’s voice is the softest I’ve ever heard it. I wonder if this is how he typically talks to his family when no one else is around. 

He takes a seat on the floor between Uriah and the bedroom wall. He lays down so they’re side by side. I hesitate for a moment since this is the first time I’ve ever been in a girl’s room other than during initiation when we stayed in co-ed dorms and even in the dorms I took care to avoid any intrusion of privacy or interaction with the girls there. The only spot left is next to Tris so I carefully make my way over to it and sit on the floor next to her, leaning back on my arms. 

“You’re here to ask about the aptitude test, aren’t you?” Tris holds my gaze as she asks it. 

“Yes. It has you both upset, doesn’t it?” I respond simply; matter-of-fact. There’s no point in pretending we’re here for any other reason. 

“We both got sick from the serum.” Tris says it and it’s obviously a lie. She should have left that part to Uriah. 

“You’re a terrible liar, Tris. What’s really going on? What were your test results? You can tell us.” I say it quietly but I can’t make the urgency in my voice disappear. 

“We’re not supposed to tell anyone.” Uriah says it coldly without looking away from the ceiling. 

I shrug. “They always tell you that but it’s still your choice. They’re your results and if your results have you this upset maybe we can help. Besides, you’ve already told each other so the rule’s been broken.” Tris and Uriah both let out a heavy sigh. They look to each other and I know they’re having an unspoken conversation that Zeke and I can’t understand and weren’t invited to join. 

“Dauntless. And Amity.” Uriah says it and closes his eyes as if not seeing the world around him will erase his Divergence. 

Tris looks into my eyes for a few seconds before speaking. “Dauntless. And Abnegation.” I’m not surprised at all. “…and Erudite.” My jaw drops open. I suspected but still, three factions is unheard of. 

“Three factions, Tris?” I know it’s the wrong thing to say right now but I can’t help it. It’s all I can manage. 

“Yes. Three. Four, what does it mean to be Divergent? The woman from Abnegation who tested me said it’s dangerous.” I sigh deeply, looking at the ceiling and silently hating that Abnegation woman. I don’t know how Tris has figured out I would know about this but not giving her the information could endanger her life. 

“Divergent means you have aptitude for more than one faction. It’s dangerous to the system because they can’t predict how you’ll act: what you’ll do. They can’t control you, especially because serums like the simulation serum don’t work on you. You know the simulation isn’t real and can manipulate it.” I see both of their heads nod slowly, confirming that’s what they experienced.

“So what do we do? The Abnegation woman said I need to hide.” Tris is still staring at me intently, studying my reaction. 

“You need to hide the fact that you’re divergent, yes.” The words Amar spoke to me during my initiation ring through my head now. I had no idea I wasn’t supposed to be able to manipulate the simulation and almost gave myself away. Luckily, Amar deleted the footage in time and I learned to be more discrete. 

“If they can manipulate simulations and know they’re not real, they’ll be found out in stage two of training, Four.” Zeke is just coming to the conclusion I’ve known for two years. His anxiety is palpable; he now sees no way for them to stay in Dauntless and no way for them even to stay with each other. 

“Not necessarily. Since they know the simulation isn’t real it should make it easier for them to get through quickly. They just have to be careful not to change the simulation in order to get through. We have some time so it’s possible for me to help them learn how to do it but I can also find a way to somehow make sure it doesn’t get recorded if they accidentally do as a backup. Knowing that the simulation isn’t real just means that they’ll do better in Stage 2 than the other initiates.” I know this because it’s how I survived. How Amar survived. 

“Won’t someone get suspicious?” Tris still looks unconvinced as she says it. This is the only chance I have to convince her that she can stay in Dauntless and be safe so I focus all of my energy into what I am about to say. 

“No, not necessarily. If you were transfers they’d be more suspicious but since you’re both Dauntless born—and the Pedrad twins are known Dauntless favorites—you’re less likely to raise suspicion. They’ll just believe you’re truly Dauntless and brave, which you both are. Besides, I’m one of the instructors so I’ll be there to help you. If you choose Dauntless, that is.” 

“Do you want to choose Dauntless, Tris? Uriah?” Zeke asks it tentatively. I can tell he’s holding his breath as he waits for their responses.

“I do but I’m worried about getting caught and it putting you, Mom, Amar, Four and Uriah in danger, Ezi.” Tris looks over in Zeke’s direction as she says it. No wonder she tested as Abnegation. 

“I’m with Tris. It’s dangerous. Amity and Abnegation seem like safer choices.” Uriah adds it sadly. 

“You should choose the faction you want to be in—the one that’s right for you—instead of the one you think won’t put Mom, Amar, Four and I in danger. You have to think of yourselves when you make this decision.” Zeke looks up at me then before he continues. I know what he’s about ask before he starts since it’s the same thing he asked earlier. “Four, can you protect them during Stage 2? And keep them from being found out?”

“I can. And I will.” 

“Promise?” 

“I promise.” 

“There. You have one less thing to worry about. So choose whatever you want and don’t worry.” 

Silence falls over the room again and I think about getting up to leave. Suddenly I feel a small, familiar hand clutch my forearm and I stop. I look over at Tris and see what I think is a pleading look that asks me silently to stay. The contact is enough to keep me there since it’s the first time that she has touched me outside of fighting in about a year. I’ve missed it. I pat her hand gently and lay down next to her. There are barely four inches between us now. As always, her proximity wakes my entire body up and I am aware of every single move she makes. 

I can’t stop what she chooses tomorrow and after today I may never see her again so I close my yes and enjoy the moment while I can. 

 

-*-*-*-

 

My watch goes off at 6am like it always does. I stumble to the bathroom and shower. The warm water eases the tension from my body that’s settled in since being at the Pedrads’ apartment yesterday. I feel like a new person as it rinses down the drain. I grab my towel and set about finding clothes to wear and making a quick breakfast. I’m avoiding the dining hall this morning because if Tris and Uriah leave Dauntless, I’d rather yesterday be my last memory instead of sitting awkwardly with them while we eat and pretend the Choosing Ceremony isn’t looming over us all. 

I have to meet with Max, Lauren and Eric about initiation, anyway. It seems like every year we’re changing something about it. I can’t imagine what it will be this year. I head toward Max’s office, carefully avoiding all routes that might cause me to cross into the path of any Pedrad. His door is open so I walk in and sit down next to Lauren and across from Eric and him. 

“Good morning, Four.” Max nods in my direction as I sit. “We were about to start. We’re re-designing initiation this year. We want to ensure that all of out initiates can truly fulfill the Dauntless principles. So to do that, Eric and I have made several decisions. Eric?” 

“First, we’re combining Dauntless born and transfers in all stages. They’ll sleep together, train together and be ranked together the whole way through. We want the best of the best so we need to increase the competition. Second, they’ll be competing against each other and there will only be ten slots available at the end of Stage 3.” 

“Wait, so we’re only allowing ten people to become members and we’re forcing the transfers to compete with the Dauntless born? That hardly seems fair.” 

“Well, Four, we want to push everyone to be the best they can. We want to make sure the transfers are worth having and that the Dauntless born have to work to prove they’re the best. Frankly, I think some may be getting lazy because everyone assumes they’ll rank first.” Eric means Tris. He’s undoubtedly heard that she’s been training already and that the popular rumor is that she’ll be top ranked and headed for leadership. How he believes that her training is laziness is beyond me. What could he possibly have against her? 

“Are these all the changes?” I ask even though if they’re not, I don’t really want to hear the others.

“No. Additionally, initiates can no longer concede fights. The fight only ends when at least one of them can’t continue.”

Lauren groans, finally, at that. “So we want to send everyone to the infirmary, then. Janet is going to love us.” She says the last part with a sarcastic smile. Neither one of us is happy about any of this.

For the past two years I’ve watched how Dauntless has strayed from its original values. It used to be so different according to what Amar and Hana and even Zeke describe. Even when I went through initiation it wasn’t as bad and brutal as what they intend initiation to be this year. Over the past two years I’ve though about leaving and becoming factionless and almost even went through with it last year after initiation when Tris briefly quasi-dated the boy from Candor. But I always stopped myself because of her. As long as she’s in Dauntless, I’ll stay. After leaving the Pedrads’ apartment last night I decided that if Tris doesn’t choose Dauntless then I go ahead with my plan to leave. There won’t be a point to staying anymore.

Lauren’s voice breaks me from my thoughts. “Anything else?” She asks them.

“No. That’s all. I’ll be keeping a close eye on the initiates this year, though. We want to make sure the rules are properly implemented.”

“I’m sure.” My voice remains the cold voice of the initiate instructor even though I really want to angrily yell at Eric and Max for their cruelty and brutality.

Lauren and I both leave Max’s office in silence and continue that way until we get to the net.

We’re early but it doesn’t matter. I go check the rigging on the net even though I know it’s fine and then busy myself with other pointless tasks, solely to have something to do to keep my mind off who will or will not be in the initiate class. As the time for the initiates to arrive approaches, a crowd of Dauntless members begins to form and grow several feet away.

When I hear the train approach I take my place with Lauren by the net. Eric begins to introduce himself and I know it will be mere minutes now. Maybe less.

A black-clothed figure silently drops from the roof into the net. She giggles almost like a child as she hits it and bounces back up a few feet. When I pull down the side of the net and offer my hand to her, she rolls over to take it and I am looking into Tris’s grey-blue eyes. I pull her out and she stands before me.

“Name, initiate.” I ask it because I’m supposed to and I have to be conscientious to treat her the same as any other initiate, even if my stomach is flip flopping in relief and happiness at the sight of her.

“Tris.” She says it, tipping her chin up so she can look me in the eye.

“Call it, Four.”

“First Jumper, Tris!” I shout over my shoulder and a cheer explodes from the group of Dauntless that have gathered. Before she can get away, I touch my hand to the small of her back and whisper, “Welcome to Dauntless.”


	7. Tris

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: Still don't own Divergent or any of the characters, etc.

** Tris **

This morning when I took the knife from Marcus—the Abnegation leader—Ezi’s words from the day before about picking the faction I want to be in remained fresh in my mind. I was worried that I’d be found out as a Divergent but I would have that concern anywhere. Uriah had already dripped his blood over the coals and I knew it was the right choice when I heard mine similarly sizzle on them. The woops and raucous of my faction exploded and drowned out Marcus’s voice as he proclaimed my choice. I felt a sense of satisfaction at that—Marcus has always bothered me but I’ve never been able to place why.

Their cheers didn’t die down at all and I turned to walk over and join my faction; join my family. As I approached, Ezi came forward and picked me up in a hug that lifted me off the ground. Once I was safely back on solid earth, I found myself crushed by Uriah, Amar, Mom and even Tori in turn. To say I felt like I was coming home would be an understatement. This was the faction I belonged in and always had. The slaps on the back from other initiates and members only reinforced that more as I stood, surrounded by a sea of black. Marcus had to glare at us for a while before everyone settled down and the ceremony could continue.

Later I cringed a little as I heard Marcus call Peter Hayes and watched the knife slide across the pale skin of his palm. I knew what he would choose—he told me last year that he never belonged in Candor and I knew it was true—and I closed my eyes so I wouldn’t have to watch as he chose my faction. It wasn’t that I hated Peter but he did hate me after what happened between us, even though I could never really understand why. He walked over and, after several back slaps and handshakes, took a seat a few feet away from me. I didn’t need to look at my twin to know he was watching me as it happened; waiting to see how I would react to all of this. I didn’t react at all; at least not outwardly.

As soon as the ceremony was over all of my faction took off yelling and running down the stairs toward the train tracks. I knew exactly what was going to happen and I couldn’t wait. Most Dauntless members started running alongside the train immediately and quickly pulled themselves on to it with ease. I slowed down when I reached the track, noticing the faces of the transfers who were watching the members do what we always do.

“It’s really not as hard as it looks; you just run until you catch up to the train enough to grab the handle by the door. Then throw your weight forward so you land inside. You’ll be surprised how much easier it is when you just do it.” I said the words to a tall, dark haired girl wearing the Candor black and white. She looked like she’d make it just fine if she gave it a try.

She nodded to me before I took off running, grabbed the handle on the side of the car and swung myself into the car. Uriah was hot on my heels and pretty soon I saw most of our initiate class jump in. Peter landed hard on the floor but I was the only one who noticed it and he quickly recovered before he stalked over to where two of his friends—Drew and Molly—were standing against the wall of the car.

After about thirty minutes, I could hear Ezi yelling from the car in front of ours, alerting me that it was time to jump. Uriah and I nodded to each other before walking over to the door and backing up so we could take a running start before leaping on to the building the train was passing. The Candor girl looked at me questioningly before coming over and positioning herself next to me, ready to jump with us.

“One….two…” I shouted out and we finally jumped on three.

Gravel skittered around Uriah’s and my feet as we slid forward on the roof due to our inertia. It looked like the Candor girl lost her balance slightly and fell to her knees. I helped her back to her feet before we began walking toward the edge of the building where Eric and Max were standing. A scream sounded from behind us and Uriah looked back tentatively.

“Rita’s sister didn’t make it on to the roof, I think.”

“It’s better that we walk away, Uriah.”

“I know.”

Every year there were initiates that didn’t make it from the Choosing Ceremony to Dauntless Headquarters. Ezi and Amar both warned Uriah and I of it and this year wouldn’t be an exception to that. I’ve known Rita and her sister a long time since they grew up in Dauntless, too. I couldn’t ever really call them friends of mine but I wouldn’t want harm to come to them. At that moment, though, there would be nothing Uriah or I could do to take back the fact that her sister didn’t make it.

After another minute the rest of our group had made it on to the roof and we gathered near an edge of the building that overlooked a large hole in the ground. Max stepped up on to the ledge to face us.

“I’m Max—one of your leaders. Several stories below us is the members’ entrance to Dauntless. Our initiates have the privilege of going first. If you can’t muster the courage to do it, then you don’t belong here.”

“You want us to _jump off the building_?” I couldn’t identify who the Erudite boy who said it was, but it was pretty clear to me that he must have transferred from Erudite because of a lack of intelligence.

“No, I expect you to fly off the building. Yes, I expect you to jump. Any non idiotic questions?” Max looked impatiently at the group.

“What’s at the bottom?”

Max only shrugged and looked at the questioner. “It could be anything. If you jump, you’ll find out soon enough.” He then scanned the group of us again. “Who’s first?”

“I am.” I began walking toward the ledge as I said it. I didn’t need time to consider it because I knew that this was what I needed to do; I needed immediately to declare myself as Dauntless, as someone who was ready to take on any challenge.

Max stepped down from the ledge as I approached and I climbed up on to it. It took more effort for me than it probably would any of the others because of my height, or lack thereof. The wind was more noticeable from on the ledge as it snapped the edges of my black jacket against my torso. Glancing down for only a second, I turned so I was facing my fellow initiates before falling backwards, weightless.

 

-*-*-*-*-

Now I’m watching the rest of my initiate class fall into the net. Of course Uriah was the second to jump; he’s fine with being outdone by me but no one else. As each initiate is announced, the gathered members cheer, none of the cheers are as loud as they were for myself and Uriah, or maybe I’m just imagining that. Either way, it feels good to be celebrated.

As perverse or mean as it is to admit, I feel a little happy to see that Peter is one of the last jumpers in the group. Just because I don’t want him to necessarily be factionless doesn’t mean that I am happy he chose Dauntless, either. For the past year he’s become increasingly hostile and even cruel, and not just to me. Most of our scuffles have centered on him picking on younger, smaller kids from my faction or any of the others. Peter’s about a foot taller than I am so most everyone is smaller than him.

After the last initiate jumper, Max and Eric fall into the net as well and Four and Lauren step in front of us.

“My name is Four; I usually work in the Control Room but for the next few weeks I’ll be one of the instructors working with the transfers. Lauren here will be working with the Dauntless-Born.”

“Four? Like the number?” The Candor girl I met on the train asks it quickly and I groan inwardly, wondering why she would do something so stupid.

Four fixes a glare on her. I’ve seen that glare more than once and I know how awful it is to be on the receiving end of it. “Exactly like the number. Is there a problem with that?” His voice is the deathly quiet tone he uses when he’s barely controlling his anger at someone.

“No.” The Candor girl at least has the sense to whisper her response and look contrite.

“Well then, Dauntless born initiates follow me. I assume you don’t need a tour of the place.” Lauren starts to walk from the room as soon as she finishes the words.

The Dauntless born follow Lauren from the net. She explains that we’ll meet back up with the transfers for dinner and I’m happy. The Candor girl—Christina, I think her name was—that I met earlier at the tracks and that Four yelled at seems interesting. I already like her. But Lauren’s job right now is just to show us to the dormitory.

“The rules of initiation have changed this year. Dauntless only needs the bravest and most skilled soldiers so if that’s not you, get out now. I don’t care if your entire family has been dauntless for ten generations. There are thirteen Dauntless born and ten transfers in this year’s class. Only ten will make the final cut and it doesn’t matter whether these ten grew up in Dauntless or Amity. It will be the ten best initiates, so wake up. You could be factionless by the end of this week or by the end of initiation and at least three of you will be.

All initiates—regardless of faction of origin—will sleep in the same dorm. You’ll train together, fight each other and be ranked together. “ Lauren sounds calm and matter-of-fact about all of this but I can tell the new rules bother her. This is already very different from any initiation I’ve heard about.

The dorm door creaks open at Lauren’s touch and we are welcomed by rows of twin beds.

“Pick a bed. You’re allowed to go to your former home and gather your clothes tonight but for now you’d better put something on your bed to claim it, unless you want a transfer to take it.”

Uriah and I exchange a glance before I shrug off my jacket and put it on a bed halfway down the row along the far wall of the dorm. He tosses his coat on one directly across from mine. We’re not far from each other but also not close enough for anyone to accuse us of being too reliant on each other.

The door creaks open again and Four walks through, followed by the group of transfers, who look bewildered by what they’ve seen of the compound so far. I guess if I hadn’t grown up here I’d feel similarly amazed by the giant, underground world. We must seem like a big group of black clothed ants to outsiders.

“All initiates, regardless of faction of origin or gender will share this dorm.” He looks around and sees the surprised and even semi-disgusted faces of the transfers. “If you like the dorm, you’ll love the bathrooms.”

I quietly chuckle at the joke, even though I am shy about others seeing me in any state of undress; something that’s uncommon for someone Dauntless born.

“Everyone find a bed and claim it. We’ll leave for dinner in five minutes as a group.” Four walks away from them and goes to lean on the dorm door next to Lauren.

“Hey, you were the first jumper. What’s your name?” The Candor girl has come over by my bunk and is talking to me.

“Tris. And that’s my brother Uriah.” I point at Uriah, who leans forward to shake her hand. “You are?”

“Christina. Mind if I take the bed next to yours?”

“Have at it.”

I look over to the other two male transfers next to her and raise an eyebrow at them in question.

“Hey guys, I’m Uriah. I’m not as tough as my twin sister Tris, here, but I’m just as beautiful.” Uriah grins broadly at them and extends a hand to them. “Pretty much any bed that isn’t covered in black clothing is open so don’t be shy.”

The shorter of the two boys takes Uriah’s hand and shakes it. “I’m Will and this is Al.” He gestures to the lumbering boy standing beside him. He looks awkward and clumsy, like what I imagine a large puppy would be like.

With all of the initiates together, we make our way to dinner. When we walk into the dining hall all eyes are on us and then immediately a cheer goes up from every person there. As a group, we make our way over to a large table, led by Four and Lauren. I walk over and slide partway down on the bench closest to us with Christina, Will and Al right behind me. Uriah sits on my other side, with Marlene and Lynn next to him.

“Is Dauntless always like this?” Christina asks as she takes in the noise of dinner.

“Yes. We’re probably the loudest faction, next to Candor, that is. I would think you’d be used to so much noise.” I smile at her as I say it to show that I’m joking.

“What’s the deal with Four?” Christina asks me, changing the subject.

“What do you mean?” I’m confused by the question. Four is Four. That’s his ‘deal’.

“He’s pretty scary.”

“He was ranked first in his initiate class. They keep asking him to take a leadership position but he refuses.” Uriah prattles off the story practically all of Dauntless knows.

Christina’s eyes go wide at his words. “Really?”

“Yep. Haven’t you ever heard of the Dauntless Prodigy?” Uriah asks it because even we’d heard kids from other factions talking about it at school.

“Yes. I didn’t realize that he refused to be a leader.” Christina says it quickly and then gets quiet.

I know why my Candor friend is quiet. Out of the corner of my eye I see Four take a seat across from me. He doesn’t look at me as he picks a hamburger up from the tray in the center of the table and places it on his plate. I decide to just ignore him and grab one for myself.

Around me I hear Christina and Will debating about something and Marlene is laughing at one of Uriah’s lame jokes. For some reason, having Four sitting across from me makes me want to scream for everyone to be quiet. After yesterday I’m not sure how I’m supposed to act around him, especially since he didn’t come to breakfast this morning.

The thought occurred to me that if I transferred factions I wouldn’t have gotten to say goodbye and that fact makes me angry still, even though I didn’t transfer. I know he swore to Ezi he’d protect Uriah and I from being caught as Divergents but I don’t want his protection. I don’t want to be his surrogate sister or his student. But what I want doesn’t really matter, I guess. I’m still just an initiate.

My wish for quiet must have been heard by my faction because the room becomes absolutely silent. When I look up I know why: Eric is walking across the room, his absurd amount of piercings glinting in the dim light. I can tell he’s headed for our table and I have two guesses why he’d want to come over here. Uriah casts a look in my direction and I raise my eyebrows in response. There’s not much to say about it.

“Who is that?” Christina asks.

“Eric. He’s one of the Dauntless leaders.” Four responds before I can.

“But he’s so young.”

“Age doesn’t matter here.” My eyes don’t leave my plate as I say it.

When, out of the corner of my eye I see Eric walk around the table so he’s walking along my side of it, I know this is going to be one of the longest meals of my life. I’m not surprised when I feel him stop slightly to the right of me, between Uriah and I. I keep my head down, ignoring Eric, but raise my eyes and look at Four. The look he gives me back is cold but I don’t think that coldness is directed toward me. It’s the look I’ve seen him give Eric several times, including a couple of times when I know Four suspected that a random bruise I had was from getting into a fight with Eric.

“Ah, the Pedrad twins. Our first two jumpers. It’s good to see that you’ll be here to make initiation interesting. Uriah, mind moving over?” Eric says it like it’s a question but both Uriah and I know it’s not.

Eric sits down next to me and folds his arms in front of him, his shoulder barely grazing mine. Our knees are just barely touching and our shoulders remain maybe a centimeter apart. His forearms are resting on the table. I suddenly feel like I’m not wearing enough clothing even though I’m wearing a tank top and black pants, which is pretty normal apparel here.

“Four, aren’t you going to introduce us?”

Four momentarily stares Eric down before pointing at Al at the end of the table. “That’s Al, Will and Christina. You know Lynn, Marlene, Uriah and Tris already.”

“Oh yes, Tris and I know each other quite well.” Eric leans into me and bumps his shoulder against mine as though we’re friends. His right hand, concealed from Four’s and everyone’s view by his left arm, reaches out toward me so he can glide a knuckle along the back of my arm. I pull my arms off of the table and instead cross them in front of me, leaning away from him a little.

“I didn’t know you and I knew each other that well, Eric. It’s news to me.” The heat is rising in my cheeks and I’m struggling to hold my voice steady as I say it. I can tell Four is scowling across the table, undoubtedly confused about what is going on.

Eric narrows his eyes at me, which makes me nervous. He’s always been very conscious of how he appears to others. Now that he’s a leader it’s even worse. I’m not sure where this conversation is going to end but I know for certain that it won’t be a place I like. Thankfully, Eric turns his gaze to Four.

“Four, Max wants to speak with you.”

“Tell him the answer is still no, just like it was the last two times.”

“So he wants to give you a job.” Eric lets a laugh out and grabs a piece of my hamburger off my plate. I hate it but I don’t stop him because it’s not worth the fight.

“Something like that. But I already have one.” Four answers simply and without amusement.

“Well, let’s hope he gets the message this time.” Eric pops the stolen food into his mouth and continues to stare at Four as he chews.

“Let’s.” Four stares back at Eric, unwavering. I wonder how long this will go on before one of them finally blinks or flinches. Eric’s the first one to move, though, and he leaves.

As soon as Eric is gone, everyone at the table’s eyes snap to me.

“What was that about?” Christina asks me.

“Nothing. Eric just has a strange sense of humor.” I keep my eyes trained on my plate as I say it.

“He was a transfer from Erudite.” Four offers and I think he means for it to change the subject so I don’t have to delve into my history with Eric in front of people I just met.

“Were you a transfer, too?” Will asks.

“First I have Candors now I have Erudite problems too?” Four’s gaze could burn a hole through Will’s forehead.

“It must be because you’re so approachable, Four.” My words cause his stern gaze to shift over to me. “Like a bed of nails.”

“Careful, Tris.” When he says it I am torn whether he means to be careful how I talk to him or Eric. Probably both.

“I am beginning to develop a theory.” Christina begins and turns toward me.

“What is it?”

“You have a death wish.”

Uriah howls with laughter at that. “That’s not a new theory. I’ve had that one since we were four years old.”

Dinner ends soon after that and we’re set free as soon as Four and Lauren have made it clear that we need to be at the training room at 8am the next morning. We get up to leave—the transfers to go to the pit to find Dauntless suitable clothing and those of us who are Dauntless born head out to go collect our things from our parents’ apartments. We’ll never be able to live there again since after initiation we’ll get apartments of our own as members. If we had transferred factions, this morning would have been the last time but since we didn’t, it’s now.

Uriah and I head over to the members’ apartments, Marlene and Lynn in tow. Ezi and Shuana—Lynn’s sister—aren’t with us since they have to be careful not to have much contact with us during initiation; the leaders frown on any conduct that would appear as though we’re reliant on our families. The door to the apartment is unlocked, despite Mom being gone for a stretch out at the fence. Uriah must have forgotten to lock it this morning.

“Remember to lock the door when we leave, Uri. Mom will get ticked if it’s unlocked when she comes back.” I say as I shut the door behind us.

“I know. I just didn’t want to bother with keys this morning. We were coming back, Ri, so it didn’t matter. She’ll never know.”

A knock at the door halts our conversation. I open it and find Four standing in the doorway.

“Hi, Four. Come in. What are you doing here?” I ask, trying to sound welcoming even though I feel impatient with his presence after what happened at dinner.

“I thought I’d stop by to talk. I figured you’d both be here. Can I talk to you for a minute, Tris?”

I glance to Uriah and nod so he knows it’s fine to leave so he can pack up his stuff. I turn back to Four and wave at him to follow me down the hall to my room.

“As long as you’re fine with talking while I pack, I don’t care.” He closes my room door as soon as we enter. Something about that seems odd. Even he immediately looks uncomfortable with the action.

Instead of packing, I sit down on the edge of my bed. Four wrings his hands in front of him for a minute, appearing to just now be thinking about what he’s doing. He takes a seat on my dresser and looks across at me.

“Do you want to tell me what all of that stuff at dinner was about?”

I shrug. “What stuff at dinner?”

“Between you and Eric.”

“Like I told Christina, Eric has a strange sense of humor.”

“Eric doesn’t have a sense of humor, Tris.”

I shrug again. “Maybe he does with me.”

“You know you can tell me if something’s going on, right?”

I roll my eyes at him and repeat my words from dinner. “Yeah, because you’re so approachable.”

There’s a flash of emotion in his eyes for just a moment. “I know I haven’t been very friendly or welcoming lately, but—“

“Lately? Try for the past year! It’s not that you haven’t been friendly, Four; it’s that you’ve been a cold jerk without any explanation. Now, because Eric sits next to me for five seconds and makes me uncomfortable, you want me to tell you everything and pretend like you and I are OK?  Not going to happen, Four.” I’m standing now, pacing about the small space of my room like I’m going to burst from it at any moment.

“What do you want me to do? I can’t change the past. Now, I’m your instructor and I need to know if there’s a problem with one of my initiates.”

“If I have a problem I’ll talk to Lauren about it. I’m Dauntless born, remember? You’re assigned to the transfers. You’re an instructor but you’re not my instructor.”

“I promised Zeke I’d protect you, Tris.”

“From being found out as a Divergent. That’s it.”

“Regardless, I promised him I’d protect you.”

“And I don’t need your protection. I may be small but I’m not weak.”

“I know. You’re strong and you don’t shut down in the face of fear; you wake up. It’s fascinating. I’ve never met anyone like you. I know you don’t need my protection but I want to help you. I know something is going on with Eric and I’m worried it is going to end with you getting hurt. I know he’s been bothering you, Tris.”

“Oh really, you know that? For all you know I could be secretly dating him and just not want anyone to know since I’m not a member yet.”

I know Four’s look is supposed to be impatient but it also has an edge of sadness to it. He stands and crosses the room and positions himself in front of me. He’s barely four inches away. Everything about him bombards my senses—the way his shirt hugs his muscles slightly, the spiciness of his scent, the sound of his uneven breaths, the hint of stubble on his cheeks. He places his hands on my shoulders and I can’t help but look up at his dark blue eyes.

“I’ve seen the bruises on your face and arms periodically over the past two years that are from your fights with him. Anyone who is willing to do that to you—to initiate something like that with you—is not someone you need to date.”

“You don’t know the first thing about what I need.”

A tired sigh escapes from him and his arms drop to his sides. “That’s probably true. Either way, though, it’s still good that you’re not dating him—not just because it’s against the rules.” I raise an eyebrow at him, challenging him on whether he’s certain of what he just said. “Come on, Tris, give me some credit. I know you haven’t dated anyone since you semi-dated Peter last year. You’re not that good at hiding things. And I can tell that you don’t like Eric and it goes beyond him just making you uncomfortable tonight at dinner. If you don’t want to tell me about it, that’s fine, but you should tell someone. Secrets like that will eat you in the end. I know that too well.” Our eyes stay locked for a few more seconds before Four begins to shift uncomfortably. “I’m going to get going. I’ll see you at training tomorrow morning.”

Once he’s gone, I let out the breath I’d been holding. As much as Four believes I’m not good at hiding things I know I can at least hide _some_ things.


	8. Four

** Four **

At 5:30am I finally give up on trying to sleep since I’ve mostly been tossing from side to side, trying to get comfortable and lull myself into unconsciousness for several hours now. My conversation with Tris yesterday shouldn’t be having this much of an effect on me. I’m only her instructor. Even though I know I wish that wasn’t the case, she’s been clear that’s what she wants me to be. 

Really, I’m frustrated at myself over what happened yesterday. When I initially walked to the Pedrads’ apartment, my intention was to ask Tris if she was alright and let her know I was there for her. Sometime while I was there, all of that got lost. 

The moment I closed the door to her room I was overwhelmed by the nervousness of being alone with her there. Every fiber of me wanted nothing more than to sit down next to her on the bed, draw her into my arms and kiss her, swearing to her I would do anything she needed or wanted me to do. The compulsion was completely disorienting and instead of doing any of those things, I managed to just make her mad. Even though I knew she was needling me when she jested that maybe she was secretly dating Eric, I couldn’t suppress the jealous response that bubbled up inside me. She doesn’t need me to protect her but I wanted to lay myself at her feet and offer it anyway. 

I don’t want to think about this anymore. Right now, the sparseness of my apartment irritates me for some reason. It feels too much like Abnegation; like things I’ve been trying to forget and leave behind. There are too many memories lately that I want to forget about and the only way I can think of to deal with those is to go to the training room until breakfast. 

I hop out of bed and throw on a t-shirt and jeans before heading out the door. While I’m still outside the training room, I can hear the muffled smacks of fists hitting a bag. It’s not even 6am so I’m surprised; I can count on one hand the number of people I’ve seen in the training room this early since I first came to Dauntless and one of them was Amar checking on me. The door opens with the groan of a hinge that needs oiling and I peer in to see the back of a blonde girl jabbing at the bag. 

I prop the door open with my arm so I can slowly close it without sound. Leaning against the doorframe, I cross my arms and observe her form. It’s better than it was two years ago though it was good even back then. Her concentration and calculation are the same; her ferocity has somehow deepened over the years and I can see from the swinging of the bag that her strength and speed have increased dramatically. I know all of this already since we were just in here a week ago practicing together but I have never just stood here like this: watching her without her consciously aware of my presence. I’m seeing her do what comes naturally; not fight the way she thinks she’s supposed to when I’m around and it’s satisfying to see that those have become the same thing. It almost feels like I’m observing an intimate moment or a secret. 

“You know, I think you finally did commit keeping tension in your core to muscle memory. It shows in the impact of your punches.” She turns quickly at the unexpected sound of my voice. If she’s upset at the intrusion it doesn’t show on her face. “But I’m not surprised; you’re the best student any instructor could ask for. You pick up on everything quickly.” 

“Thanks. It helped that I had a good teacher.” She folds her hands in front of her and smiles shyly as she says it. In my head I see a flash of an image of her in grey with the same pose. 

“A compliment? I didn’t know those were allowed anymore.” I smile as I say it, hoping that she understands that I’m not trying to be cruel; I’m just trying to joke. 

“Only on special occasions.” Her smile grows on her face. “Do you want to join me? I’m assuming you didn’t come down here just to stand in the doorway.”

“First I need to set up for training today and then I’ll join you.” 

“Well, then at least I can help you set up. What are we doing?”  
“Shooting and then learning to fight so we’ll need the gun targets, the target launcher and the punching bags. Are you sure you want to help?” I see her nod in response so I wave her over to follow me to the storage closet.

This is probably the only chance I’ll get in the near future to have a conversation with her alone without interruption and I know I need to take advantage of it. She’s dragging a set of targets out of the closet when I touch her shoulder to stop her. 

“Tris?” I wait until she makes eye contact with me to continue. “I didn’t mean to upset you yesterday. My intention originally was just to make sure you were OK and see if you needed or wanted anything. It wasn’t supposed to turn into me lecturing you about what you should and shouldn’t do.” 

“It’s OK, Four.” Tris turns back to what she’s doing with that and we continue setting up in silence for a long time. 

“Do you remember the first time we practiced shooting?” She suddenly asks me as she’s standing on a chair precariously to hang a punching bag. 

“Yes, and I didn’t realize that you’d been doing target practice since you were ten. You have always had a knack for making me feel useless.” I do remember that day vividly—how she looked at home holding the gun even though I could tell the idea of shooting someone bothered her. I felt daring that day and had reached out a hand to rest on her shoulder, reminding her to relax. Because she was wearing a tank top, my hand made contact with her skin and immediately it was like electricity had jolted through me. 

“You did teach me a lot though, Four. I wouldn’t be able to throw a knife if it wasn’t for you.” 

“Yeah, that’s so useful. Let me know how that helps you some day.”

“My fighting definitely wouldn’t be as good. You’re the one who corrected my stance and pushed me to try harder. I swear you personally asked seventy-five percent of Dauntless if they’d be willing to practice fighting with me. You devoted more time to my training than anyone else did—even more than I did, really.”

“Well, you’re a natural and I told you I’d help you so I had to live up to that.” 

“But you’ve still never fought me bare fisted.” 

I bristle at that reminder. I only would fight her with padded gloves and even then I was still careful about not hurting her in any way. After every fight I’d have nightmares for days about Tris being covered in blood and bruises caused by me. The dream would always end the same—me in my bathroom, washing her blood from my knuckles and looking up to see Marcus’s face looking back at me in the mirror. I’d wake up covered in sweat, panicking. It was enough to terrify me out of ever even contemplating fighting her bare fisted. 

“Maybe one day.” I whisper it. 

“I doubt it. But it’s OK, I understand why you won’t.” I know she doesn’t actually understand but that’s alright. Perhaps one day I’ll explain it to her.

By the time we finish setting up it’s almost time for breakfast to start.

“Do you want to stay and practice? We can be late for breakfast since I stole all of your practice time by having you help me.”

“That’s OK. I’ve been here since five so I got some time in before you arrived and I offered, remember? Besides, it was nice to talk to you like a real person. I had forgotten what that was like.” She smiles at me briefly and I involuntarily return it. “Uriah, Christina, Will and the others are going to wonder where I went if I’m not at breakfast. And one thing I know about Candors is that I won’t get away without having to answer a million questions about it.” She chuckles at this because she’s right. 

“OK, well maybe some other time. I’ll see you at training.” 

“See you then, Four.” 

She walks out of the training room and I’m left to my thoughts. I had come down here to clear my head at the bag but instead I sink down into a chair and stare blankly out at the room. Something about our conversation was sending my mind into a hopeful but frantic tailspin. Suddenly it hits me. 

_She missed talking to me.  
_

I had spent so much time reminding myself that she had said repeatedly that I was just her trainer and sulking over it.   It hadn’t occurred to me that maybe she missed talking to me as much as I had missed talking to her. 

After the night that Amar and I had come over to the Pedrads’ apartment and interrupted her party, I had hid in embarrassment of my jealousy and childishness. I knew in retrospect that I had acted foolishly and had potentially destroyed any possibility of even being friends with Tris. Her angry words from that night to leave her personal life alone had stung and they stuck in my head for a long time. So I did, begrudgingly, what I thought I had to: I only was her trainer. 

I’ve kept my distance from her for the past year. The days of joking or casually touching her were gone. From then on I only touched her if it was when one of us was hitting or blocking the other during a fight. I avoided lunch with her and everyone else on Sundays and I blocked her out of my mind completely when I could manage it. Instead, I threw myself one hundred percent into training her: setting up practice fights with members, devising more challenging practices and drills to push her. It wasn’t until the day of the aptitude test that I was pulled out of that rhythm. 

Maybe there’s still hope for Tris and I to be friends. That idea is enough to make me look forward to the rest of initiation. With that, I head to breakfast. 

 

 

“Today you’re going to learn two things: how to shoot a gun and how to win a fight. Since you’re here it means I don’t need to teach you how to jump on and off a moving train, thankfully.” I glance around the group as I say the words sternly, imitating what I remember Amar doing during my own training. “For some of you this will be review. You should be regarding this as a time to get better: to challenge yourself to improve. Dauntless does not reward laziness. Your ranking isn’t just about skill but also about improvement. If you want to be at the top you’ll need to work for it.” 

With that, Lauren and I begin thrusting guns into each initiate’s hands. As I round back to face the group, I hear a bored sigh before his voice. 

“What’s the point of this?” _You’ve always been an idiot Candor, Peter._

Without missing a beat, I reel around and press the gun in my hands against his forehead. 

“Wake up. You’re holding a loaded gun. Act like it.” When I see a satisfactory amount of terror in his emerald eyes, I let my gun drop and walk away.

“Now everyone watch Four as he demonstrates.” Lauren announces it, which is good because I’m too mad to talk any more. Instead, I step in front of a target, raise my gun to my shoulder and release several shots. Nobody says anything as all of the shots find the center of the target, which is a relief because I hate it when initiates find it necessary to comment on an instructor’s skill. 

“Now that you’ve seen the right way to do it, go to your stations and shoot until we tell you to stop.”

They immediately begin shooting as I walk up and down the line to observe them. Most of them are absolutely terrible. Edward, a transfer from Erudite, at least hits the target, even if it is on the edge and Peter is also pretty good, unfortunately, but almost all of the transfers miss it entirely for several rounds. The Dauntless born are a bit better though most of them have terrible aim, too. It’s just not quite as terrible of aim as the transfers. Tris and Uriah, however, have no problem hitting the target. Tris almost looks bored. 

I stop to correct Christina’s stance a bit before moving on. Most of them have shot about twenty rounds by now. When I look back toward Tris, I see Lauren talking to her and then Tris flips the safety lock of her gun on, sets it down and approaches another initiate near her, offering him suggestions. Lauren meets my gaze and walks directly over to me. 

“There isn’t really a way to improve her shooting of stationary targets right now so I thought it would be a better use of her time to help others.” 

“Sure. We’ll have to try some moving targets in a little bit to see what she and the others can do, then.” 

Lauren nods. “Yes, that sounds good, but we should wait until the other initiates are hitting the targets more reliably.” 

“Agreed. So, let’s go teach them.” We make more rounds to offer suggestions and pretty soon, almost all of the initiates are reliably hitting somewhere on the target, even if it isn’t close to the center of it. 

After what feels like an eternity, we tell them to take a break. While they’re gone, we set up the target launcher at one end of the room so we can launch moving targets into the air. When the initiates come back, I can tell any confidence that most of them had about shooting has vanished as soon as they comprehend what we’re about to have them do. 

“While a stationary target is a good place to start, a majority of the time any given target will be moving when you’re shooting at it. Since there’s a higher likelihood of someone accidentally shooting another person during this exercise, everyone will go one at a time. Be careful, also, not to shoot the instructor who is manning the launcher. That will, in fact, cause you to become factionless. When we get through everyone, we’ll break for lunch. First, however, Lauren will demonstrate how to do this.” 

After Lauren has demonstrated the skill, she takes over at the launcher and I move toward the back of the group. Uriah shoots first and as he does, I quietly walk up behind Tris. 

“You must have tutored Uriah because I don’t remember him being any good at moving targets.” I whisper next to her ear. She’s standing far enough away from the other initiates that I feel confident no one else will hear me. 

“I did over the past two months. He started getting nervous about initiation.” She tilts her head toward me a bit as she whispers it back to me. 

“You’re still better than he is at it.” 

“I had a better teacher.” I can hear the smile in her voice as she says it, causing me to smile back. Part of me thinks that maybe this is what some people would consider flirting but that must be the Abnegation part of my brain that still doesn’t understand interactions with women. 

Uriah finishes after hitting all but two of the ten targets and Edward steps up next. He misses three of them before he’s done. 

“Tris, you’re up.” Lauren calls from the front of the room. I step far enough away from her just then that by the time the group turns to look at Tris, I’m not standing close enough to give away that we were talking. 

As she steps forward, I hear a whistle. 

“I didn’t know Dauntless allowed eight year olds to shoot guns.” Peter says it from the middle of the crowd. 

“Well, Peter, considering that you’re here it must mean that we’re also letting imbeciles shoot, too.” Tris snaps back so quickly that barely anyone has a chance to react before she takes the gun from Lauren. 

Peter shuts his mouth and then the room is so silent that I swear I could hear a mouse scratching in the wall two rooms away. Lauren pulls the release on the launcher and the target is barely airborne before Tris has shot it down. This continues for ten targets, then fifteen and finally twenty without Tris missing any. Lauren must decide that that’s enough because she stops launching targets. 

“Alright, Tris I think, has a new record with twenty for twenty. Peter, why don’t you go next and show us if you can do better?” Lauren says it not unkindly. 

While Peter isn’t actually bad, he’s definitely not great.   He misses five out of the ten targets before he’s done and sulks as he returns to his spot. Christina takes his place and we continue on until finally everyone has taken a turn. Finally we break for lunch and I breathe a sigh of relief that we made it through that without anyone accidentally getting shot. 

The afternoon goes by a bit quicker as Lauren and I show the initiates some basic punches and kicks in preparation of the fights that will start the next morning. By the end of the day, the training room smells like sweat and exertion. Looking around it’s obvious that everyone is tired from the work and can’t wait until the end of the day to be announced. 

“OK, everyone, that’s enough for today. Tomorrow we’ll have the first round of fights starting at 8am. It doesn’t matter if you’re Dauntless born or a transfer; you’ll be fighting someone in this room, regardless of their faction of origin. Get some food, get some rest and be here at 8am sharp or be factionless.” 

Lauren and I head to dinner together once all of the initiates have left. Once we grab food, we both sit down at a table with Zeke and Shauna. A moment after we sit, I see Shauna lean over and give Zeke a quick kiss on the cheek. 

“Hey guys, did I miss something?” I ask it, surprised. I’ve known Shauna has liked Zeke since we were initiates, but I’ve never seen her do that before. 

“Hi Four, hi Lauren. What are you talking about, Four?” Shauna asks it sweetly and innocently. 

“No dice, Shauna. Spill it.” Lauren responds.

Shauna rolls her eyes at Lauren before she begins to talk. “Fine. We just went on a date last night, that’s all. It’s nothing big.” 

“We’re not, like, just dating each other or anything. We just thought we’d see what happened.” Zeke adds in. Shauna’s face scrunches up, looking like she ate something sour for a moment but she quickly regains her composure. 

“Right. We’re just seeing what happens. That’s all.” 

“OK. Well, have fun with that.” I change the subject as soon as I can because the conversation seems invasive.

Before we’re done with dinner, Lauren and I have finalized the pairings for the first fights. There’s an odd number of initiates so one person will have to sit out but with four rounds of fights, it shouldn’t make that much of a difference. I throw away the remainder of dinner and wave goodbye to them as I walk toward my apartment, thinking about the strange twists that have happened today.


	9. Tris

**Tris**

It’s 6am when I finally wake up the next morning. I meant to wake up earlier so I could go warm up and practice before breakfast, but I spent last night in the pit with Christina, Will, Al, Uriah and Marlene. By the time I returned to the dorm it was late and I collapsed into bed without showering. Now I have just enough time to sneak into the shower and get ready before breakfast. Maybe if I’m quick, I can still fit in a warm up.

I swing my legs over the side of the bed and grab my towel and other items so I can head to the shower. Once I open the door to the bathroom, I notice I’m not the only one in there. I come face to face with Peter, who is just walking out of the shower, a towel wrapped around his waist. I’m glad I wasn’t a little earlier. Despite the fact that only his chest is showing, I still feel a blush threaten at my cheeks anyway.

“Well look at that, you’re blushing. Tris, I swear you’re just as shy and innocent as you were a year ago. I’m fascinated—I thought that living in Dauntless you’d be used to something as simple as a shirtless guy by now.” Peter sneers at me as he speaks.

“I didn’t think anyone would be in here. I’m just surprised—that’s all.” I force myself to hold eye contact with him, even though it makes me want to crawl out of my skin. I force myself not to pull my towel up in front of me; not to look like he’s made me uncomfortable.

Peter smirks and walks toward me, stopping only when he’s standing barely an inch from me with one of his feet planted between mine. I can feel his breath on my face and every time he moves, water droplets land on me from his skin. I suddenly wish I wasn’t just wearing a spaghetti strap tank top and shorts.

He slowly licks his lips as he looks me up and down. “Well, I could stay if you wanted. We could finally get to some of those things that we didn’t get a chance to do before.” His voice is low and soft as he says it. He used the same voice the night after the party I held at Mom’s apartment. We were in my room that time. “I never did get a chance to show you how good I could make you feel.”

My breath is coming out more ragged than I want it to as he leans closer to me so he’s right against me. I can feel the moisture from his lower chest soaking through my shirt where we’re touching. His towel scratches against the bare skin of my legs. As he talks, water from his hair and shakes off and falls on my shoulders and face. He’s pressed against me enough that I can feel the contours of his body through the thin barrier between us.

The proximity terrifies but also excites me and both reactions are involuntary, though the latter is more unwelcomed. I hate that I find him physically attractive. I hate that my body is responding to that, especially since he’s become such a repulsive person otherwise. I hate that I am looking up at him, despite not wanting to have to deal with him. I hate that as he skims a fingertip across my hip where my shirt has hiked up slightly and exposed a small sliver of skin, I have to bite down on my lower lip to hide my breath hitching in my throat. I hate that he notices it anyway and wears a self-satisfied smile. 

Anger grows in the pit of my stomach, replacing the loathed excitement that was there before. “You had a chance but you were too busy torturing me for the past year instead. That was your choice, Peter.” 

He groans quietly, sounding like a mixture of exasperation and something else that I’m not used to hearing from a guy, at least not in reference to me. He looks down at me with wide, innocent emerald eyes. “You wouldn’t hold that against me, would you, Tris? I was heartbroken over you.” He leans his face down so our lips are barely separated. “I’ve missed you.” He’s drawing soft circles on my hip bone now. 

I don’t break eye contact with him as I carefully slide my feet across the floor so they’ve trapped his right one in the middle. My left foot slides up the side of his right ankle and up his calf and then hooks behind it slowly. Peter’s eyes widen more as I do it, since the action somehow draws me closer to him—almost wrapping me around his side—and I place my right hand against his chest to steady myself. 

“Peter? Do you remember what I told you that night in my room?” 

He looks confused when I say it. Of course he doesn’t remember. 

He draws slightly closer so his lips barely graze mine when he speaks. “Why don’t you remind me?” 

I push my right shoulder forward into his chest as my left foot forces his right knee to buckle beneath him. He loses his balance and crashes to the floor. 

“I told you not to touch me without permission. Clearly you forgot.” I step over him and walk to the shower stall. “Now get out.” I finish without looking back at him. The only response I hear is the closing of the bathroom door as he leaves.


	10. Tris

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Another short chapter. I have a couple coming up pretty quickly here, as soon as I can get them proofread!

** Tris **

I’m not sure how I’m supposed to feel about the prospect of fighting another initiate today. While I know many of my peers born in my faction grew up fighting like I did, I can’t say that they’ve been training the way I have for the past two years. Thanks to Four’s diligence and commitment to ensuring I would be the best fighter and prepared for initiation, I’ve been fighting Dauntless members every week. But those fights were different—those were fights with people who knew how to fight and weren’t cruel. Also, the fights were called by Four with rules he devised. The initiation fights will be with people who are still new to hand-to-hand combat, some who are cruel and wanting blood in certain cases. I don’t know who will be calling these fights or what the rules will be, exactly. All I know is that Ezi, Amar and Four all have groaned about the changes to initiation and how brutal the fighting portion has become. 

I know that fighting and hurting another person when necessary is part of being a soldier and mandatory for training. They want us to prove that we can do it so they know we won’t freeze when the time comes to do it in battle. I don’t have any doubts that I could and would fight and win if necessary but that doesn’t change that I don’t want to hurt people in a contrived fight being officiated by someone who is just looking to inflict pain on others. 

Uriah is beside me when I push the door to the training room open. Inside, Four and Lauren stand with Eric. Four is scowling but he always is when Eric’s around so I’m not sure if there’s really anything to be worried about. Eric’s presence reminds me that there’s a good likelihood that in order to end any fight someone might need to be unconscious. That seems like something Eric would demand. 

As soon as everyone is in the room, Lauren steps forward to begin. 

“Initiates, today you will have your first fights. Four and I have paired you up—with some help from our leader, Eric—for this. Since there’s an odd number of you, one person will have to sit out.”

 Lauren steps aside and Four brings a chalkboard forward. I read down the list and quickly see that Christina has to fight Molly, Will is fighting Drew and Uriah is fighting Edward. When I find my name, my stomach turns over. I’m fighting Peter. Great. 

“Initiates will continue until the fight ends, which happens when one of you is unable to continue or concedes.” Four’s voice is stern and steady as he says it, even though he just referenced that by the end of the day several of us could be knocked out cold from the fights and that’s OK.

“Under the old rules. Under the new rules no one can concede. The fight only ends when one of you can’t continue.” Eric adds it while fixing a glare at Four. 

“A brave man knows when he’s lost.” 

“A brave man doesn’t give up.” Eric shoots back. 

Four only sighs in response. “Will and Drew, let’s go.” Four can’t win this argument and we all know it. 

Will and Drew have a drawn out fight that leaves them both bloody before Drew finally wins. Uriah’s fight with Edward goes similarly and Uriah eventually prevails with scratches, bruises and blood leaking down his body. He drags Edward to the infirmary and I know he’ll stay there; not just to make sure Edward is OK but also to get checked out as well. He’s going to have some serious bruises later. 

“Peter and Tris, you’re up.” Lauren announces it in a detached voice. For the first time I wonder whose idea it was to have me fight Peter today but I don’t have time to ask as we step into the ring. 

Peter raises his hands in a defensive position. “Are you going to cry, little girl? You know, if you cry just a little then I _might_ take it a bit easier on you.” He’s trying to taunt me but it won’t work. 

I give him the most innocent look I can muster while I’m in a fighting crouch. “But Peter you told me this morning that you wanted to show me how good you could make me feel.” My tone is sarcastic and soft as I say it but it’s loud enough for most of our initiate class to hear. Quiet snickers sound from them and, I think, even from Eric. 

Peter’s embarrassment shows slightly on his cheeks but he fixes me with a hard gaze all the same. He steps forward suddenly but I’m ready for the attack and quickly block what was supposed to be a blow to my face, tossing his arm to the side. While he’s still off balance from his failed punch, I quickly pummel his stomach, causing him to double over. I take a step back for a second to adjust when I hear his words. 

“You hit like a little girl.” 

Anger wells in me and I forget where I am because all I can think of are all of the fights that I’ve had with him in the past year and all of the terrible things he’s done. I grab him by his collar, standing him up enough for me to punch him straight in the nose. The blood spatters across both of us but I don’t hesitate to knee him in the groin, bringing my foot down hard on his afterwards, never losing my grip on his collar. He lets out a small cry, which just urges me on. I quickly let a jab fly out, connecting it with his windpipe and finally I let go of his collar so I can spin around and land a hard elbow to his ribs. He drops to the floor and I’m kicking him repeatedly. 

I feel hands tugging at my elbow but I don’t stop until there are arms wrapped around my waist, dragging me away so Peter’s out of reach. 

“Tris, stop. He’s out.” Four’s voice is stern and harsh in my ear as he says it and he still hasn’t let go of me. 

For the first time since I let go of his collar, I really look at Peter. He’s huddled on the floor in the fetal position, unconscious. I can see blood spattered across him and small trails of it running down his face. There are bruises already forming on the skin I can see. The other initiates are looking at me in slack jawed surprise but I can only focus on Peter right now. 

I did that. The revelation and its accompanying guilt hit me repeatedly, pummeling me. It’s enough to make me feel sick. I catch a glimpse of Eric out of the corner of my eye. His hard, cruel eyes are locked on me and his mouth twitches up in a sadistic grin. He uncrosses his arms to silently clap his hands together repeatedly. 

_Welcome to the club,_ he mouths to me. 

“Oh no.” I say out loud. I feel as if I’m going to black out so I lean back against Four. His grip on me tightens slightly, probably to stop me in case I lunge forward. 

“Tris, go take a walk.” Four tells me, obviously thinking I’m still upset. 

“No, I’m fine. I’m fine now, really.” I reach down and remove his arms from my waist. I turn to look at both him and Lauren. “I caused this so I’ll take him to the infirmary. It’s fine, really.” 

“I’ll help you.” I begin to protest at Four’s words but he holds up a hand to silence me. “You can’t carry him by yourself. You’re not _that_ strong.” I nod quickly and we move over to pick Peter up, one of us on either side of him. 

Our silence only breaks once we’ve handed Peter over to the nurse at the infirmary for evaluation. 

“I’d ask if you want to talk about it but I learned my lesson before.” 

“I lost control.” 

“I know. Why do you think Lauren and I came to stop you? For fun?” His tone is sarcastic and I find it absolutely galling. 

“Who knows why you do anything? I certainly don’t.” I can’t stand to look at him as I snap. I know I shouldn’t be mad at him but I am right now. 

“Who knows why anyone does anything? All I know is that you weren’t fighting him like you had to; you were fighting him like you _wanted_ to.” 

“Why? Because I’m like Eric—cruel?” 

“No, because you’re not like Eric. You’re the person who wouldn’t fight her brothers because she didn’t want to hurt them; the person who would tense when she held a gun because the idea of killing someone bothered her; the person who got into a fight with Eric to protect an Abnegation girl. You can’t stand to needlessly hurt people. For you to lose control like that and do that much damage that quickly, you’d have to be fighting someone who hurt you.” 

There’s nothing I could begin to say in response to that. 

“I’m going to check on Uriah.” I walk away quickly, before Four can say anything more to me or follow me. 

“My darling twin is here. I knew you couldn’t stay away for too long. Come to see if my beautiful face will be ruined forever?” Even when sitting on an infirmary bed, Uriah manages to be happy and friendly. 

“Something like that. You are the beautiful one.” I jump up on the bed beside him, which causes him to sling an arm over my shoulder. “So how are you feeling?” 

“Fine. The doctor said nothing major: mostly just bruises and scratches. I had to get some stitches but none on my face, so I’ll remain beautiful. How did the fight with Peter go?” 

My eyes suddenly burn for reasons I can’t identify so I squeeze them shut as tightly as possible. Confessing what happened to Uriah feels terrible and I don’t want to do it. 

“I won. Four and I just carried Peter here because he’s still unconscious.” I don’t look at Uriah but I can feel his stare on me. “I completely lost control while we were fighting so Four and Lauren had to pull me off of him.” Uriah’s hand finds its way to mine and holds it. His hands have always been warmer than mine; I find it comforting, especially right now. 

“Whatever you did to him he deserved, Ri. You and I both know that so don’t beat yourself up.” I nod, avoiding looking at him still. 

“Thanks, Uri.” I lean my head against his chest for a moment and feel him squeeze my shoulder. “I’m going to go sit with Peter for a while. Will you be OK?”

I look up and Uriah quirks an eyebrow at me, confused. “I’ll be fine but you won’t until you know he’s OK. Go check on Peter.”


	11. Zeke

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is a bridge chapter. There's more coming very soon...as soon as I get it proofread.

** Zeke **

“Instructor Four, how’s your day going?” I try to sound cheerful because Four looks so dour. He always looks that way and it’s worse during initiation, though I don’t remember it being this bad last year and it’s only Day Three.

“Terrible. I hate having training with Eric there and we still have fights left today.”

“Well, he is a sadistic guy so I’m not surprised.” Shauna offers.

My back always stiffens when someone mentions Eric because I immediately am transported back in time to all of the instances I’ve seen Ri with bruises or bloodied knuckles. Every time I’d ask her what happened and every time her response was the same: Eric. The fact that he’s taken such a keen interest in initiation this year frightens me for that same reason.

“I swear he’s getting worse every day.” Four rubs a hand over his face as he continues to stare at the table.

Lauren takes the seat across from him. “You can’t blame yourself for what happened today, Four. You can’t control him and we all know no one can control her.”

There’s one initiate I can think of that no one can control. It hits me that Four still hasn’t looked at me this entire time. My hands start to get clammy as the vice grip of fear chokes me.

“What happened?” Is all I can manage as I try to keep myself from descending into total panic. Glancing around the room I realize that Tris is nowhere in sight. That doesn’t do anything to help me keep my composure.

Lauren reaches over to me and grips my wrist. “Zeke, calm down. We were throwing knives today and one of the initiates—Al—was doing probably worse than anyone I’ve ever seen. Eric decided to pick on him and ended up telling him he had to stand in front of one of the targets while Four threw knives at him. He said that if Al flinched, he’d be factionless.” My shoulders slump forward, relaxed but also exhausted.

“Oh? That’s what happened? That’s a new low for Eric but at least he had you throw the knives, Four. Both you and Ri have told me how bad Eric’s aim is. That kid would have ended up blind or dead. So I take it that he’s OK?” Lauren and Four exchange an uneasy glance that I don’t like.

Four clears his throat.   “Al’s fine, Zeke. I didn’t even get to throw a single knife at him because Tris stopped it.” The irritated groan that sounds from the back of my throat is automatic. Tris never could stop herself from protecting other people from bullies. I shouldn’t have been surprised her aptitude test results included Abnegation. “So Eric made Tris take Al’s place. Zeke—“

“And?” I ask it too loudly, too angrily. I trust Four’s skills but I still don’t like this and I’m powerless, which just makes the anger worse.

“Zeke, she’s fine. I promise. I only cut her ear.”

“You cut her ear?” I don’t care that I’m staring daggers at my best friend or that I know Tris can protect herself. He hurt my sister and I couldn’t stop it.

“I had to, Zeke.” Four’s face is sincere and contrite. I think this is the most emotion I’ve ever seen him show. “You know Eric wouldn’t let her go without at least some blood being spilt. If I didn’t do it, he would have and I didn’t trust him not to kill her. Zeke, you have to believe I had no other choice.”

The information is too much for me to handle so I put my head down on the table, hoping that when I look back up, I’ll know how to respond. A gentle hand begins softly caressing my back: Shauna’s. The action draws me from my angry musings so I finally draw in a shaky breath. I know Four well enough to know he’d always do whatever necessary to protect Tris and Uriah.

“You’re right.” I don’t lift my head from the table as I say it. “You didn’t have another choice- Eric would have hurt her and this time she wouldn’t have been able to defend herself.” I slowly pick my head back up, avoiding eye contact with all of them. Admitting that I overreacted is something I’m loathe to and I just had to do it.

“Wow, Four, at least one of the Pedrads forgave you.” Lauren says it sympathetically to Four. I wonder what happened.

“Too bad Tris hasn’t.”

“Maybe yelling at her wasn’t the best idea.”

“It wasn’t my best moment. She yelled first, anyway. Sometimes she’s just too—“

“Stubborn?” I offer with a grin. Knowing that Tris still had her wits about her enough to be mad at Four proves to me that she really was OK.

“Yes. Exactly.”

“Always has been and always will be.” I keep grinning as Four’s face crumples in disappointment. I know Ri must be like the sister he never had at this point so this has to be hard for him—her rejecting his attempt to protect her. I don’t know how to tell him that it never gets any easier. “Don’t worry too much about it: Uriah will calm her down and make her understand. He always does. Why do you think she doesn’t hate me after all these years?”

We let the conversation meander on to other topics, which I welcome because I don’t want to hear more about what is happening in initiation just now. Since both my brother and sister are initiates, Four and Lauren aren’t supposed to give me any information on their progress. Even what they’ve told me was probably more than they were supposed to so when the conversation turns to the afternoon’s fights, I don’t say or ask anything.

 

 

That night at dinner, Four sulks the entire time. He says nothing and when we’re finished, he moves almost mechanically. Whatever is going on has him completely out of sorts.

“Hey Zeke, I was thinking maybe I could come have a drink at your place.” The comment is confusing to me but I find myself nodding dumbly anyway.

“Sure. I was headed there right now. Why don’t you come with?”

Our footsteps are the only sound as we walk. I’ve lived in Dauntless for 18 years and I swear it’s never been this silent. Once I’ve closed the apartment door I walk straight to the fridge and take out two beers, open them and hand one to Four.

“This isn’t really what I’m here for.”

“I know but if you wanted to talk without cameras present, then it’s about something that will require me to have a beer. Judging by your attitude at dinner, you need a beer too.” Four silently nods. “What is it?”

“Eric told us yesterday morning he’d have a say in fight pairings. So he’s been pairing Uriah and Tris specifically with the other people who he thinks are the hardest and cruelest initiates. Uriah fought Edward yesterday and Peter today. He won both. Trist fought Peter yesterday.” Well, that has my attention. Four stares at me for a moment before he continues. “She won in under a minute, Zeke. I had to pull her off of him, though, because she lost control. Today she fought Edward and she won, still in under a minute. It took Uriah almost ten minutes to finally beat Edward and six minutes to beat Peter, but those two are the only real competition for Tris and Uriah.”

“Except for each other.” I know where this is going.

“Yes. Zeke, I think Eric is trying to make this their own personal hell. He’s doing it by claiming that it’s based on skill and competition but you and I know Tris will easily beat Uriah. There is no competition.”

“And it will kill her to do it. He’s having her fight him because he knows it will hurt her more than anything else.”

“Exactly. Zeke, I don’t know that I can stop this from happening.”

I shake my head as I take a long drink from my beer. “You can’t. Eric has set it up so that if either refuses to fight, then he can throw them out for breaking the faction before blood creed. He’ll claim that they are traitors to the faction and the faction system overall and can’t be trusted. They have to fight each other and Ri has to figure out how to live with it.” I, Ezekial Pedrad, am waving the white flag right now. Eric has bested us all—he has devised a way to hurt both of my siblings and there’s no way I can stop it.

When Four takes the beer from my hand and sets it on the counter along with his, I don’t stop him. “Listen, Zeke, we can’t keep this from happening but we can make sure it doesn’t destroy her. That’s what Eric really wants: to see her break. He knows Uriah won’t really care and will forgive her.   But he knows she’s going to hate herself for hurting Uriah anyway. She’s smart enough to know that she has to fight him and that she’ll have to win because it will be too suspicious otherwise. But that won’t stop her from letting it tear her apart afterwards. She’ll need her older brother to help her with that. Zeke, you have to be there for her.”

“What she really needs is Amar, Four. He’s always been better at reasoning with her in moments like these.”

“Well, Amar is out on a mission so it’s up to you, Zeke. Just come by the training room at the end of the day. I’ll keep Eric busy so you can pull her away.”

“Alright, I can do that.   But Four, can you try to keep an eye on here later in the night? Even if I talk to her she may need someone else to talk to.”

“Yeah, I’ll make sure Lauren and I are both around.”

 

The hallway walls are always cold to the touch at first but I guess that’s what happens when the walls are made of solid stone. Leaning against one of them, though, has always brought me a strong sense of peace. The transfer of my body heat to the hard surface to warm it while cooling me calms my nerves. The resultant temperature we share feels comfortable. Even that comfort isn’t enough for me as I lean against the wall, waiting for Tris.

A group of initiates come pouring out of the training room so I try to look uninterested that way I’m less noticeable. Marlene and Lynn both cast curious glances at me like the other Dauntless born initiates do but no one draws attention to me. They know better. Judging by their faces and their silence, they know why I’m here and they welcome it. The fight must have gone worse than I’d imagined.

The group clears out, leaving no one in the hall but me. I move around the corner, flattening myself against the wall in a place where I know the cameras won’t see me. I hear Lauren and Eric leave, talking. They’re distracted enough that even if I stood next to them, I suspect they wouldn’t pay any attention to me.

“Zeke?” Four’s whisper reverberates down the corridor. I stretch my neck around the corner to look at him. “OK, you’re here. Come here.” I walk over to Four but I already know he’s alone.

“What’s going on, Four? Where’s Ri?”

“I don’t…I don’t know, Zeke.”

“What do you mean you don’t know?”

“When the fight ended, I had a couple guys take Uriah down to the infirmary. In the process, Tris left. She just walked out. I couldn’t go after her so I have no idea where she went.”

“So she’s missing?”

“Yes, but Lauren and I will look for her. Lauren’s distracting Eric right now so I could talk to you but we’ll both go look for Tris. You can’t; it will look suspicious. Instructors looking for a missing initiate is nothing new.”

“You’d better find her, Four. This is my sister who you promised to help me protect. I would kill for her.”

“I know, Zeke. I’ll find her. Don’t worry. I’d never forgive myself if something happened to her.” I have to respect that Four drops his gaze to the floor. He feels as upset and worried as I do.

“I know, Four. I’m glad to know you care about her as much as I do.” Four perks a little at my words. I don’t know much about Four even though he’s my best friend but he’s mentioned never really having a family other than one parent. It makes sense that he’s adopted mine over these two years and frankly, the idea of Four acting like an older brother to Uri and Ri is comforting. He can do some of the things I can’t. “Honestly, being the protective older brother gets tiring and Amar is gone more these days on missions since he stopped instructing. Having someone else to share the burden is nice.” I dig in my jacket pocket until I retrieve a silver flask. “Take this with you. Once you find Ri, I think you’ll both need it after today.”

“Keep it.” Four pulls a similar flask from his pants’ pocket. I’m surprised because Four doesn’t drink that often.   “I figured I’d bring this today just in case. You’ll probably want yours tonight still, anyway. Now, go see Shauna and let me find Tris.”

I nod before I turn to leave. There’s no one, outside of Uriah and Amar, who I’d trust with Ri more than Four.


	12. Four

**Four**

I finally spy her sitting on the edge of the Chasm, staring out over it. I clear my throat softly so she knows I’m there. She doesn’t turn at all so I walk up next to where she’s sitting. I reach my hand down to dangle the flask in front of her.

“Here, I find it helps to ease the rage and guilt a bit. Or it at least takes the edge off.”

She hesitates and then takes it from me, taking a long drink from it. “Thanks, though I’d try just about anything right now if it would make me feel less terrible.” She tries to hand it back to me but I wave her off and take a seat a couple feet away from her.

“Tris, you had to fight Uriah. Eric didn’t give you a choice. Stop beating yourself up over it.”

“He’s my brother, Four. I hurt my brother—my family.” She doesn’t look at me as she says it. Instead, she keeps her focus on the Chasm.

“He’ll understand, Tris.” There’s a long silence and part of me wonders if she’s ever going to respond or if I should try changing the subject.

“So I hear Ezi--I mean Zeke--told you about my parents.”

“Yeah, he did.” I’m a bit confused and surprised by her statement since he told me two years ago and it’s never come up before now.

I stare out across the chasm, waiting to see where she takes the conversation. I know she doesn’t want me to look at her or to feel like we have to make eye contact right now. She feels vulnerable and guilty and it makes her uncomfortable. It would be selfish of me to look at her just because I think she’s beautiful when I know it would make her feel worse. It’s OK, though, if I steal glances at her out of the corner of my eye since she won’t notice.

She sloppily takes another swig out of my flask and wipes the back of her hand across her mouth. She’s teetering back and forth a little and it dawns on me that she might already be tipsy, maybe even drunk. I don’t know how Tris handles alcohol because I’ve never actually seen Tris drink before; the last time I saw her have the option she turned it down. She looks at her hands as if considering them before she clears her throat. 

“Did he also tell you I have a brother?”

“Yeah, Tris, he told me. He told me you have two—him and Uriah. I’ve known you for two years. I’ve met them.” She rolls her eyes at me as if I’m an idiot missing the obvious but I don’t understand why. 

Her voice is barely a whisper when she continues, “no, a brother. A blood brother. He’s in Erudite.” 

“What? How?” I can’t help but turn toward her, even if it is selfish, since I’m just confused now. She’s chuckling at me softly as she meets my eyes, which makes me feel less guilty. 

“Geez, Four, Ezi told me you were from Abnegation and all but you really don’t know how children happen? Even in theory?” 

My cheeks are burning and I’m suddenly finding myself very interested in the ground. It takes a while for me to pull my gaze back up to her. “I know _that,_ Tris. That’s not what I meant. Why is your brother in Erudite? You’re Dauntless.” 

“He’s 6 years older than I am. When my parents died he went to live with my Dad’s sister in Erudite. He chose to stay there at his Choosing Ceremony. I’ve never met him, really. Not officially, at least. But I know his name is Caleb.” My jaw drops at the information. 

“What happened to faction before blood? Your family was Dauntless. He was Dauntless. Why wouldn’t the Pedrads take him in?” 

“They would have, I’m sure. They didn’t have a chance. My father was an Erudite transfer. When my parents died, all of the factions knew about it since my parents were Dauntless leaders. His sister is a leader in Erudite and she immediately asked for Caleb when she heard about them.” I know I’m frowning and not hiding my confusion at all. I feel guilty because she’s going to feel obligated to explain away what I don’t understand. 

“But you’re here.” Whatever she’s about to say has to be bad because she pulls her knees to her chest and hugs them. 

“Exactly. They only wanted Caleb, Four. They didn’t want me. My _own family_ didn’t want me.” She whispers it and I swear I can hear my heart breaking for her as she does.  “Caleb has known where I am all of these years but he doesn’t care. I made Mom tell me about Caleb after I saw an old newspaper about my parents’ death and it mentioned both of us. I was too young to remember him but he would have known about me.” She brushes a hand across the cheek farthest from me and I understand for the first time that despite her voice remaining even and steady, she’s crying. 

“Mom, Ezi and Uriah took me in. Otherwise I’d be factionless. I’m just the one no one wanted.” She tries to shrug as if she’s letting all of the hurt she’s felt day after day for all of these years roll off her but the slight trembling of her chin gives her away. She’s about to break down and I can’t stand the idea of her having to sit there and do it alone, so without a second thought, I’m sliding over toward her. 

At first I reach my hand out, tentative, like she might strike at me if I actually touch her. I know I have to be brave and it’s that determination that makes me wrap my arms around her, pulling her across my lap before her sobs start. Her face buries into my chest and I can feel her small frame shuddering against me as she lets out all of the anger, hurt and sadness that has been building for, I suspect, 14 years. 

I’ve spent years knowing I couldn’t do most things right; Marcus saw to me knowing that. The one thing I know I can do and must do, though, is to be here for her right now. While I have spent years building my body up to punish others and inflict pain, all I want right now and all I am willing it to do is offer a place of refuge and solitude for this fierce, slight woman, even if just for a moment.   If I can do that, it will have been worth it, even the years of living with Marcus. 

“Hey,” I say it softly, coaxingly, hoping that it will distract her from the pain, maybe even comfort her. Some time in all of this I’ve started smoothing my hand over her hair without realizing it; like it’s instinctual. Her hair is softer than I had imagined. 

“You know, for not being wanted, you have an awful lot of people who seem willing to protect you, support you, even threaten other people for you. You may not need the protection but they’re still willing to offer it. I may not be an Erudite but it doesn’t seem to me like you’re the one no one wanted.” 

Before I know what I’m doing, I kiss the top of her head. Immediately the embarrassment at my lack of self-control burns at my cheeks. I press my cheek against the same place, hoping that she didn’t register my indiscretion. I feel her take in a deep, unsteady breath and she shifts around until her ear is pressed against my chest. Maybe I just imagine that she snuggles in closer against my chest but either way, I don’t hesitate to wrap my arms more tightly around her. 

“And what if Uri hates me after today? You think any of those people will still feel that way?” She sniffles slightly as she speaks, as if the question itself didn’t already break my heart enough. 

I manage a soft, incredulous chuckle. “Geez, I thought you grew up with Uriah. You are talking like someone who doesn’t even know him. You and I both know that he’d never be mad at you for beating him today. He’ll probably just be happy it wasn’t anyone else. You’re the only person I can see him being OK with losing to.” 

“And you. You’re like a Dauntless god to him.” 

“Fine, maybe he’d be OK losing to me, too. But Tris, Uriah is never going to be upset at you. His pride will be a little hurt but he’ll be happy for you for winning. But even if he was mad at you there’d still be a few of us who’d back you up.” 

“Ezi.” 

“Yeah, don’t tell Uriah, but I think you’re Zeke’s favorite. He’d never abandon you. Uriah would just have to understand. And Zeke’s my best friend so I’d have to do the same thing.” 

“Oh yeah?” Her hand reaches up and presses against my chest, over my heart, for an instant before she starts drawing circles with the tip of her finger over the spot. 

“Of course. That’s how it works.” I try to say it like anyone would assume the same.

“So I’ll still have you and Ezi?” I close my eyes and soak in this feeling, wanting the moment never to end but knowing that it will have to eventually. In this moment, though, I can at least revel in the perfection of holding her this close as I say the thing that terrifies and excites me all at once. 

_Be brave, Tobias._

“Always.” I will my voice into Four the Instructor’s to hide the fact that I’m terrified of what I’m admitting to her but also because right now I feel the urge to scare off every possible threat to her, real or imaginary, even if I know she can do it herself. 

I’m alarmed that her hand has stopped tracing its path on my chest. A surge of panic runs through me. I’m a complete idiot. Seeing with new eyes I realize how ridiculous I must seem to her—I’m her instructor and I’m cradling her by the Chasm and telling her that her brother and I will always protect her, support her. Of course that would freak her out. I can only grasp at straws in order to move the conversation in a different direction. 

“Zeke wouldn’t allow anything less. You know, this is pointless to talk about. If I had fought Zeke during initiation he never would have held it against me and we barely knew each other at the time. Uriah’s your brother and I’m sure there’s no way he’d be mad at you. The bond of the Pedrad Twins is practically Dauntless Legend at this point.” I slowly draw my arms away from her and move so I am leaning back against the ground, propped up on my hands. I feel cold and hollow without my arms wrapped around her but I push the thought off. Now is not the time. 

When Tris looks at me, her face is unreadable. She’s shutting down any emotion she’s feeling right now, which just confirms my idiocy. She shifts to stand up. When she’s on her feet I grab my flask from the ground, put it in my pocket and push myself up to stand in front of her. 

Tris hesitantly lifts her eyes to meet mine. “Can you not tell Ezi or Uriah or even Amar what happened tonight?” 

“No problem. I’d prefer they not know about it, either. I’ve met them—I don’t think any guy is allowed within two feet of you, even if I am your instructor and Zeke’s best friend.” 

“Yeah, I know, and so does all of Dauntless. They’re fine with a guy throwing knives at me but not hugging me without prior permission, practically.” 

“Only in Dauntless, I guess.” 

“Only in Dauntless. So we’re agreed? No telling them about tonight? None of it?   Not that I cried or about Caleb?” 

“Why would I tell them about Caleb? It’s something they already know.” 

“They don’t know all of it. Amar is the only one who remembers Caleb because he was seven when Caleb left, but Amar has promised me he would never say anything. Uriah was too young to remember anything at all. Ezi remembers I have a brother and that he left Dauntless when my parents died but Ezi was four at the time. That’s really all he knows and Mom only told me the rest. I don’t think Ezi even remembers his name. He never talks about it. I don’t think he wants to think about Caleb because it makes him sad but also jealous.” 

“Why?” 

“Because Caleb left without me and didn’t care to look back. Ezi sees himself as my real big brother but deep down he’s worried that if given the choice I might choose Caleb over him just because Caleb’s the last part of the life I could have had.” 

“Would you choose Caleb?” Her face crumples into a look of outrage at the question and I instantly regret it. 

“Absolutely not.” This isn’t a tone I’ve ever heard from Tris before; it’s practically a growl. “Ezi and Uriah are my real brothers. Caleb isn’t--not anymore. But Ezi isn’t always completely rational about these things. He’s more nervous than he lets on.” Her tone continues to be hard and laced with anger.

“I shouldn’t have asked that. I knew the answer was no, really. I don’t know why I said anything.” 

“It’s OK, Four.” 

“Tris?” 

“Yes?” 

“Am I really the only person you’ve told about Caleb?” 

“Yes.” 

“Why did you tell me? Too much alcohol?” 

“No but it did make it easier to get the words out. I honestly have no idea why I told you about him. I was thinking about how I might have screwed up the only family that hadn’t abandoned me and everything about Caleb came to mind. How he left. I don’t know why but it seemed right to tell you. Maybe when you’re not my instructor we could be friends--I always wished we would be eventually.” I don’t think I’m imagining the blush creeping up her neck but I don’t know why a confession of _friendship_ would embarrass her. 

“I’d like that. I always hoped the same.” 

“Until then, and actually probably forever, you promise not to tell Ezi or Uriah or anyone else about what I told you or my embarrassing break down, right?” 

“Your secret is safe with me. You can continue to be seen as completely invulnerable.” 

“Good. Good night, Four.” 

“Good night, Tris.” She walks past me in the direction of the dorm. 

I’m in trouble already. I can tell.


	13. Tris

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for all of the great comments! Here's the newest chapter-- I'm going to try to keep updating as much as I can now that I'm not on vacation.

** Tris **

I think about going to the dorm but instead head toward the infirmary. Once I find Uriah’s room I relax, sitting back in to the chair next to his bed. I close my eyes, trying to forget about what’s happened tonight. 

I broke down in front of Four like a small child. I completely cracked after inexplicably telling him about Caleb. I’m so stupid. _He’s my instructor. Why did I do that?_ I’m not the crying type or the confession type. Tonight was out of character of me and it happened in front of the worst possible person. _  
_

There’s absolutely no way that he’ll ever see me as anything other than a little sister, that’s clear. He especially won’t after tonight. He practically told me he feels like an older brother when he made his comment about protecting me. Of course that’s all it is—he’s Zeke’s best friend and I’m just his kid sister. I’m just glad that I covered my slip up and only told him I had wanted us to be friends. 

Something about sitting there, wrapped up in his lap, listening to his heart beat made me want to say so many stupid things. I’m glad I got out of there before I caused any more damage. _I have to push it from my mind. Tomorrow he’ll go back to being my instructor and all of this will be behind both of us, like it never happened._    The reassurance is enough for me to slip off to sleep. 

 

 

“Tris, get up.” A hand is shaking my shoulder firmly while the voice urgently and sternly whispers the command to me. It’s the sound of an instructor’s voice. I don’t need to open my eyes to know I’ll see Four in front of me but I open them anyway. 

“What are you doing here?” I look around, confused. 

“I came to get Uriah for breakfast after finding out if he’s OK to fight today. Did you sleep here last night?” 

“Yes.” 

“Oof, Ri, you’re going to be wrecked today. That chair does not look comfortable.” Uriah calls out from the bed next to me. 

“Yeah, well, you look wrecked—especially your ugly face.” I toss back, relieved by the sight of the grin I see plastered across his face. 

“I’m only glad you didn’t cause too much damage to my beauty. Only damage to my pride.” 

Four steps back from us. “Well, I should go. I trust Tris will help you get to breakfast, Uriah.” 

“Don’t worry about it, Four. I’ve carried this stupid jerk for years. Thanks for coming by, though. We’ll be sure to report to Zeke that you’re fulfilling your surrogate brother duties.” Four frowns slightly when I say it and for a moment his instructor mask falters like it did last night but he quickly recovers it.

“I’m glad. See you two in the training room at 8am sharp.” He turns on his heel and stalks out of the room. I just don’t understand him sometimes. Well, I don’t understand him most of the time, really. 

I turn my attention back to Uriah and take in his grin and the purple bruises peppered over his body from our fight. 

“You know I’m sorry for hurting you yesterday, right, Uri?” 

“What? Of course, Ri.” 

“I mean, it was just a part of initiation. We had to do it but you know I’d never want to hurt you, right? You’re my brother; you’re one of the few people who matters to me.” 

“Hey, I know. It’s not like I wasn’t trying to hurt you too. We had to do it. That’s why Eric matched us—to see if we’d really live by that damn faction before blood motto.” Uriah swings his legs to the floor and eases off the bed. 

“I know. I just hate that I’m the reason for you being in the infirmary.” 

“Sometimes you’re too selfless for Dauntless, Ri. It’s fine and really, it would have killed me to lose to anyone other than you. If I’m not going to have a perfect record, I’d rather it be because you get to keep yours. But if it makes you feel better, you can give me your cake for the rest of the week.” 

“Dream on. I don’t feel that bad. Now come on, we can’t be late. Four will kill us.”

 

After helping Uriah down the hall toward the cafeteria, we walk in and quickly find Christina, Will, Marlene and Al sitting together at our usual table. Lynn is there too but I try to ignore that fact. We grab food and head to them. 

“Hey guys, what did I miss last night?” Uriah sets his tray down and looks around at the table, waiting for a response. 

“Not much. Peter got into a fight with Lynn. It got a bit ugly but it broke up before it got too bad,” Christina offers. 

“Four?” 

“No, he wasn’t around. Lauren came in and pulled them apart, actually. It was kind of odd. Tris, where did you go last night? You seemed to disappear after dinner.”

Oh god, this is what I get for being friends with a Candor. Hopefully telling part of the truth won’t come off as the lie that it is. 

“I sat by the Chasm for a while. I just needed to clear my head.” 

“And then she came to guard me at the infirmary, since she’s tougher than I am. _My hero_. That’s why she looks like shit this morning—she slept in the chair.” Uriah announces it with pride and musses up my hair slightly. 

“Wow, Tris, you’re a really devoted sister. Good thing neither of you transferred—neither of you would survive without the other.” Will grins over at us as he says it and I can tell he’s being sincere and friendly. 

Before I can respond, I notice a shadow growing over our table and look over my shoulder to find Eric standing behind us.

“Well, if it isn’t the Pedrad twins. Are you making up after your sister kicked your ass yesterday, Uriah?” 

“There’s no need for us to make up. Tris is the toughest woman and probably the toughest person in Dauntless. It’s an honor to lose to her, _especially_ since she’s my sister.” Uriah flashes a charming grin at Eric and winks at me. I hope the grin is enough to distract Eric from Uriah’s insult 

“Probably the toughest person? Who do you think is tougher than her?”

“Maybe Four, but only marginally and only in certain ways. I’m still not convinced she wouldn’t win in a fight with him.” Eric’s face is beginning to turn red in anger at Uriah implying to him that not only is Four still better than Eric but that I am too.

“Maybe we should test your theory, Uriah. See if she remains undefeated.” 

“Can’t happen, Eric. Members don’t fight initiates.” Eric glowers at Four’s voice behind him. _How did he manage to sneak up like that?_ Four walks around to stand facing Eric with his arms crossed. He takes a step in toward Eric so they’re only inches away from each other. The tips of their noses almost touch as they face off. “Even under your new rules it’s not allowed.” 

Eric smiles back wickedly at Four but I can tell it’s forced. “Remember, Four- what I say goes.” 

“No, you can’t change that rule without the leadership’s approval. Even I know that, even if I’m not a leader.” Four smirks back at Eric, knowing that he’s won this round. 

“I guess we’ll see then.” Eric turns and leaves in an angry flourish. 

Four looks back to us and announces in his loud instructor voice, “Initiates, be in the training room in 15 minutes.” 

After Four has left, Uriah turns toward me with an apology waiting on his lips. We both recognize what just happened. 

“Ri.” 

“Don’t. You couldn’t have known Eric would respond that way.” 

“Ri. Tris. I should have figured he would. I mean, he’s had Four throw knives at you. He’s not above this. I should have known.” 

“Uri, stop. You can’t hold yourself responsible for Eric being a psychopath. And anyway, Four even said that the leaders would have to approve it. They won’t, especially with final fights being today in all of 15 minutes. It will be fine. I’ll probably have to fight Molly or something so stop worrying. After fighting you it will be easy.” 

“Tris is right, Uriah. There’s no way Eric could get the leaders to agree to that. Everything will be OK. So who do you think is fighting who today?” Chris’s change in subject is perfect. I feel the tension release from my body as the conversation meanders. I almost hope I don’t have to fight even Molly today; I’m more sore from sleeping in that chair than I allowed myself to show in front of anyone, especially Uriah. As much as it pains me to say it, I’m also still a bit bruised from our fight yesterday. After about 5 minutes of mellow conversation we head to the training room, wanting to be early.

 

 

“This is wrong and I refuse to do it.” Even through the door I can hear Four’s loud, authoritative instructor tone clearly. 

“Why? Because she’s Zeke’s sister?” I can hear the taunting in Eric’s voice but I know it won’t bait Four.

“No, because that’s not how we train initiates. Just because she pisses you off doesn’t mean it’s OK to make her do something we’re not asking any other initiate to do or have ever asked them to do.” 

“She’s already beat anyone within striking distance of her placement. Uriah was the closest but her beating him clinched it—she’s first.” 

“So have her sit out, then. There’s an odd number of initiates and we really only added the fourth round of fights to give another chance for people to move up in the rankings. Since she’s guaranteed first place, let her sit out.” 

“Four, we want these initiates to be pushed to be their best. To prove they’re Dauntless. Since the other initiates aren’t enough of a challenge, let her fight a member. It will help her challenge herself to improve.” Eric says it like it’s the most obvious option.

“You have to be kidding me.   Max, can we end this conversation?” 

“Four, I think Eric has a point. We’re living in a different world now and we need our best to challenge themselves to be better. I’ve seen Tris’s scores—she’s won all of her fights in times that either match or beat any records—clearly she needs a bigger challenge. Besides, don’t pretend that you haven’t had her fighting members for the past two years anyway, even if it was with protective gear. I say we move forward with it and I have the authority here, even if you don’t like it.” 

“Fine. I may not be able to stop it but I refuse to fight her. Find someone else. Since you’re so fond of having her fight family, why don’t you go drag Zeke in from the control room?” I gasp when I hear it. How could he possibly suggest that after last night? Quickly I realize that it was just a jab at Eric’s cruelty. The anger that was boiling up in me subsides. 

“No, Zeke didn’t rank high enough. If you won’t fight her, I will.” Eric sounds self-congratulatory. 

My heart sinks because I’m not sure that I can beat Eric, not with how much he hates me now. I have beaten him for years but his vicious rage has taken on a strength that I don’t know I’ll be able to ward off. And with him, it’s quite possible he’ll kill me. At least with Four I would have known that I wouldn’t die. 

“That hardly seems fair, Eric. You ranked second in our class and have two years of experience on her, not to mention practically 80 pounds of muscle. It’s as bad as making her fight me or Amar.”

“What about me?” Lauren offers. “I’m her instructor. I have more experience than her and I’m bigger than her. I know all of her weaknesses from evaluating her fighting so I’ll be a challenging opponent. I’m not as challenging as Four or Eric would be but I did rank third in my initiate class. It would be a good challenge for her without being impossible.”

“OK Lauren, you will be fighting her.” Max says it with finality. 

“But I’m calling the fight.” Eric adds. 

“Eric calls the fight.” Max confirms. 

“Fine.” Four says it quietly, sounding defeated at the decision he can’t change. 

Uriah finally pushes the door open and we walk in. I don’t need to look at the chalkboard to know who’s fighting the last fight today.


	14. Four

** Four **

My anger builds over the course of the day as the fights drag on through the morning and after lunch. By the time we get to Tris and Lauren’s, I’m practically seething. I know why Lauren did it and I’m grateful that she did. It doesn’t mean that I have to like that it’s happening, though. As they both step in to the ring to begin, I wish I could rewind back to last night or even just to this morning, before it all took this turn. 

\--flashback to 7am that morning— 

After leaving Uriah’s room, I walk towards the cafeteria. I know Tris needs to talk to him about the fight so I’m going to distract myself with breakfast and plans for the last day of fighting. Lauren and I have already drafted the pairings so unfortunately there isn’t much of anything to think about. 

“Where did you go last night? I never heard back from you on whether or not you found Tris.” Zeke asks it innocently. 

“Sorry, I looked for her and then had to deal with some things with the initiates. I did find her asleep in the chair next to Uriah’s bed in the infirmary this morning. She slept there last night so that must have been where she went at some point. She and Uriah should be coming in to breakfast soon.” Lauren casts me an odd look across that table that I can’t decipher. 

“Of course she slept there.” Zeke snorts with laughter to himself. “Those two are ridiculous. I know people think Tris will never really have a boyfriend because I’m protective but really it will because that guy would have to understand that she’ll have to spend part of every day with her twin brother, Uriah, or else they’ll both wither away.” 

“You know, ever since they started sharing a room when they were two, they’ve insisted on spending at least a half hour together every day without anyone else. They would just lie on the floor of their room and talk but no one could come in but them. When they could barely talk, they’d just baby babble at each other. My Mom and I dubbed it their ‘Twin Time’. It’s completely sacred to them. Even after I moved out and Tris took my old room, my Mom told me Tris would still go to Uriah’s room every day for it.”

“They still do that in the dorm but now they cram on to one bed instead of lying on the floor. They can’t make the other initiates leave but they ignore everyone that isn’t each other. Peter made a joke about it once and Tris broke his nose for it while Uriah laughed. Ever since then, none of the initiates comment about it.” Lauren adds in and I realize that she’s paid more attention to the dynamics of the initiate group than I have in some ways. 

“See? No guy is going to be like, ‘I totally understand that you can’t go one day without Twin Time. And that if I say something about it you’ll probably break my nose.’” 

“You’re just mad you’re not invited, Zeke.” I know it might be mean to tease him about it but it’s so obvious that he feels a twinge of sibling rivalry with Uriah. Zeke dotes on Tris and I think he’s a bit hurt that he doesn’t have something so exclusively theirs as Uriah and Tris do and he feels left out. 

“Maybe, but that doesn’t change that it’s weird. I deal with it and even find it endearing because I’m their brother. I don’t know how or why Marlene has dealt with it all these years.” 

“Because she’s clearly hopelessly in love with Uriah and has been since she was ten years old.” Shauna contributes the observation that every Dauntless born and most transfers who know the Pedrads have known forever. 

“True.”

“Well, maybe Tris will find someone who feels about her the way Marlene does about Uriah. Who knows; maybe she already has.” Lauren stares at me as she says it. It almost seems accusatory, like she’s pinning those feelings on me and I immediately focus on my food and hope my face isn’t too flushed. 

“Whatever. I don’t even want to think about that. I‘ll have to like and hate the guy.” Zeke is done with the topic now by his tone. I find myself releasing a breath I didn’t know I was holding. 

“On a different note, you’re acting odd lately, Four.”   Shauna arches an eyebrow at me, waiting for my response. 

“Am I? It’s probably just initiation. All of the changes complicate things. It’s frustrating.” 

“No, you don’t seem frustrated. You seem happier, actually. Distracted, too.” Suddenly her face lights up like she just answered an important question. “Oh my god, you like someone, don’t you?” 

“What? No.” I can hear my voice getting higher than it should and I know I’m caught. 

Zeke latches on to it immediately. “Holy shit, she’s right. You do like someone. I didn’t think it was possible. Who is she?” 

I immediately shut down and try to force myself to be Four the Instructor as much as possible. I know I can’t lie well so I have to tread carefully. “I’m not telling you.” 

“Does she know yet?” Zeke is like a middle school Amity girl sometimes. 

“No.” _God, please stop asking questions, Zeke.  
_

“Are you going to tell her?"

“I don’t know. Probably not.” 

“Why not?” 

“It seems pretty clear to me she doesn’t want that type of relationship with me. She pretty much told me she wants to be friends.” 

“That doesn’t mean anything, Four. Ask her out or something. She’ll change her mind.” 

“Yeah, because I’m so great at dating, Zeke.” 

“Yeah, you are terrible. But I don’t know, why don’t you try talking to her or something?” 

“It’s complicated and she seemed clear to me.” 

“I think she’s lying to you.” My eyes snap up to Laruen’s when she says it. I wonder what she means. “I mean, if it’s who I think it is, then I’m sure she’s lying. I think she’s just scared of you.” My jaw must be hitting the floor.

“Scared of me?” The words eek their way out painfully. If Lauren is thinking what I think she is, then my life is over. _Tris is scared of me?  
_

“Well, maybe intimidated or nervous is a better word.   She acts like she’s worried you’re not interested.” 

“See, Four? You just need to show her you are. Maybe if you _told her_ she’d stop being so worried. Lauren, you know who it is?” Zeke is simultaneously interested and mad that Lauren would know something like this before him. He sounds friendly but I can hear the subtle anger. 

“I’m not positive but I’m 99% sure I know.” 

“Who is it?” 

“I can’t say. I don’t want Four here to hate me. We do still have to get through initiation. I need him for that.” 

Before the conversation moves back to me, I notice Eric standing at Tris and Uriah’s table, talking to them. I get a feeling that this can’t be anything good. I stride over as quickly as I can and stand behind Eric and listen to the conversation until I know I have to interrupt. 

After our exchange is over, I know Eric won’t be coming back to talk to them so I give the 15 minute warning and walk to the training room. I can hear Laruen on my heels and just as I reach the door, she catches my arm. 

“Four, I won’t tell anyone. Don’t worry.” 

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.” 

“Don’t play dumb. I know you were talking about Tris earlier. I saw you two at the chasm last night. But don’t worry—I didn’t hear anything you said. I just saw the way you were comforting her.” 

“Well, it doesn’t matter anyway because she told me she wants to be friends.” 

“You two did not look like either of you wanted to be just friends when I saw you. If she told you that it’s probably because she’s nervous about how you see her.” 

“What do you mean?” 

“You’re her instructor and not the most approachable person in the world. She knows you can’t date an initiate or even be a friend until after she’s a member. Plus you’ve practically been her instructor since she was fourteen so it’s even more of a challenge to her. But you’re also Zeke’s best friend. She probably thinks you see her as a little sister and it bothers her. I’ve known Tris a long time and I know the way she acts around you is different than she does around anyone else. Every time it’s like she’s seeing you for the first time and she lights up at the sight of you.”

“Well, being Zeke’s best friend is really the other problem. Even if I can normally win in a fight against him, I’m sure I wouldn’t survive the angry, protective brother beating he’d give me.” Lauren openly rolls her eyes at that. 

“We all know he’s a lot of talk. If Tris actually liked someone, Zeke wouldn’t dare challenge it. She has him wrapped around her little finger and we both know it. Besides, he knows she can hold her own and she has since she was a scrawny kid. She’s a better fighter than Zeke and Uriah as well as pretty much everyone in the compound. You helped see to that. Zeke’s just protective against any unwanted interest or attention.” 

“The front is to scare unwanted guys off.” 

“Exactly. It always has been.” 

“Lauren?” 

“Yes, Four?” 

“Thanks for not saying anything.” 

“You’re welcome. I’m just happy that you wouldn’t mind Twin Time. Tris deserves someone who will love her that way. It will be good for both of you to be in each other’s lives. Now let’s get ready for the last set of fights.” 

When we walk into the training room, Max and Eric are already there, deep in discussion. I steel myself for the argument that awaits us. 

 

-Back to Present- 

With Eric calling the fight, all I can hope for is that Tris has the sense to go down quickly. I know Tris is an excellent fighter and I would generally think she’d win but she’s also fought three fights in the past three days and Lauren has fought none. Also, Lauren does have the advantage of having seen Tris fight multiple times and has evaluated Tris’s strengths and weaknesses while Tris has never seen Lauren fight. I know Lauren will want to knock Tris out as soon as she can for most of the same reasons I’m hoping that she will. 

The only problem is that Tris won’t go down easily. She’s stubborn and will fight tooth and nail to show Eric that he won’t get to best her. As long as she doesn’t have to fight him, it will be OK, though. That’s the solace I provide myself as they begin. 

Tris opens the fight with a shot to Lauren’s windpipe that sends her staggering backwards and coughing. Tris doesn’t waste a moment and instead follows up with a punch to her stomach and an elbow to her back while Lauren is doubled over. Tris has taken my advice to strike first and I feel a sense of pride that it’s working, even if it is against someone I consider a friend. The elbow is enough to cause Lauren to hit the floor. Tris goes to finish off the fight but as she gets close, Lauren lands a kick to Tris’s stomach and Tris stops in her tracks. It gives Lauren enough time to jump back to her feet and go on the offensive. 

After several more punches, Lauren sweeps Tris’s feet out from under her and then straddles Tris to deliver the final blows. After a punch to the jaw and into her cheek, Tris manages one forceful and well-aimed punch to Lauren just below her right temple. It knocks Lauren unconscious and she slumps over on to the floor next to Tris.

As soon as Eric calls Tris the winner, Max tells Uriah and Will to take Lauren to the infirmary. Tris, despite being offered Max’s hand, gets back on her feet herself. She’s about to leave the ring when Eric steps in her path.

“Impressive that you could beat your own instructor. I wonder how you’d do with someone more skilled.” I want to say something but I know Max will be evaluating everything I do and say right now. If I have any prayer of protecting Uriah and Tris’s secret in Stage 2, I have to let Tris deal with Eric’s verbal abuse at least for a little bit. 

“I already won my fight today. Maybe another time.” She huffs it out, clearly tired from the exertion of fighting Lauren. Tris makes a move to step around him but he grabs her arm. 

“I think right now works better and I make the rules.”

“What?” 

“Come on, Tris, fight me.” Tris looks up to stare him in the eye and I can see blood beginning to trickle down her neck from the cuts she has on her face. There’s a defiant glint in her eye. She’s angry now. 

“No. I won’t fight you.” My blood runs cold as I see the murderous rage grow in Eric’s eyes. I have to figure out how to stop this if Max won’t. 

“What did you say, initiate?” Eric asks through clenched teeth. 

“I . Said. No. Eric.” Tris is leaning toward Eric as she speaks so she doesn’t see the punch that he swings until it’s too late and it lands on her stomach. 

“Enough!” I yell but that won’t stop Eric. 

As she doubles over, he grabs her by her shirt and punches her in the nose. As blood sprays out of it, he goes to punch her again but she blocks it, grabbing his shirt to pull him toward her so she can knee him in the groin. He doubles over instantly. 

“Enough!” I yell but Tris connects a punch to the bottom of his jaw and kicks his left shin so he falls to the floor, tearing one side of her shirt that he was still holding as he falls. 

Tris falls to her knees and straddles him, looking like she’s going to deliver the final blow but instead she stops and looks at him. 

“Eric, do you concede?” She asks it so quietly that for a moment I think I just imagined it. 

Eric only laughs and swings his arm out, connecting his fist with the side of her face. She immediately returns the punch and he blacks out. Tris begins to stand up and I hurry to her side, seeing the way she wobbles. She passes out just as I reach her and I catch her body as it slumps back against me. I look over and see that Eric has regained consciousness and is struggling to sit up. 

“That’s enough. The fight is over.” I gather Tris into my arms gingerly, careful to avoid upsetting any potential broken ribs or other injuries. Blood is running down the side of her face on to my shoulder but I ignore it. 

“This isn’t your call, Four.” 

“It is when you’re acting brutal just because her brother insulted you.” Eric flinches a bit at the comment but continues to stare back at me. “Or is it more than that? What in the world has you so mad at her? Did she turn you down or something?” The second flinch actually makes me wonder if I hit closer to home than I intended. 

“Shut up, Four. This still isn’t your call.” Eric has gotten to his feet and comes over so he’s standing in front of me, barely an inch from Tris—the only barrier between him and I. I can feel him tensing for a fight but he’s also a bit unstable. He’s trying to hide how hurt he is from his fight with her. 

“You were unconscious and couldn’t continue. She won. Dauntless rules say the fight is over.” 

“Four is right, Eric. The fight is over. Tris won. Dauntless rules.” Max finally calls out almost bored from the sidelines. 

Eric tries his best to stalk out of the room as Christina and Al rush over and take Tris from me so they can deliver her to the infirmary. Before they take her, Al has the decency to remove his shirt and drape it over Tris to cover her up since the tear in her shirt runs from the left side of her neck down to her side, exposing most of the left side of her torso. 

Once they’ve walked away I step up in front of Max, teeth clenched, feeling reckless, angry and brave. “Is this the great new Dauntless you wanted? One where we force our best initiates to fight their instructors and when they win, the reward is to fight a leader instead? Now that she’s won against Eric what happens? Does she fight you? Is this the faction we are now? One where we base decisions on cruelty and brutality instead of bravery? One where a psychopath is molding the future?” 

“No.” Max looks angry and defeated at once. He refocuses on me and rage fills his eyes. “But you’re just as much to blame as I am. You could have taken the job.” 

“No, Max. You’re to blame. I could have taken the job but you could have given it to someone other than him when I turned it down. Don’t blame me for your bad decisions.” 

Max and I stand, glaring at each other until one of the initiates coughs. 

_Shit. I forgot to release them for dinner.  
_

“Training is over for today. Go to dinner. Rankings will be posted tomorrow.” I turn toward them as I announce it and then storm out of the room as quickly as possible. I don’t slow down until I find my way to where Tris is in the infirmary. 

As soon as I walk in her room, I realize that there’s a large audience. Christina and Al are there still and now Uriah, Will and Zeke have joined them. Will is standing with his arm around Christina while Zeke and Uriah lean against a side wall, alternating between staring at me and staring at Tris, who is still unconscious. Al is pacing back and forth, rubbing his hand over his face with worry. It makes me want to punch him. 

Christina glances nervously between Zeke, Uriah and I before she announces to Will and Al that they should get some dinner. Uriah hesitates when she invites him to come along but Zeke urges him on, telling Uriah that he’ll stay with Tris. I offer that if she wakes up, I’ll come get him immediately. It’s enough to convince him to go. 

I slump back against the door as soon as it closes behind them. 

“Zeke, I’m so sorry. I failed. I promised you I’d protect her and I failed. I feel terrible.” Zeke only nods. 

He clears his throat and I prepare myself to hear the shaky breaths of an emotional brother but instead Zeke’s voice comes out deathly quiet, thick with barely contained rage. Rage that is probably aimed at me. 

“How did she end up fighting Eric, Four?” 

“Eric got into it with her and Uriah at breakfast about her beating Uriah yesterday. Uriah made a crack at Eric that he thought Tris was tougher than anyone in Dauntless except me.” 

Zeke snorts at that. “That’s not a crack. That’s a fact that essentially all of Dauntless knows—even Max. I think you and Tris are the only ones who don’t. So how did this conversation turn into Eric fighting her?” 

“Eric suggested to Uriah that they test Uriah’s theory. I reminded Eric that it’s against Dauntless rules. When Lauren and I got to the training room, Eric was already there with Max. Originally they wanted me to fight Tris but I refused. When Eric said he’d fight her instead, I was going to insist I fight her because at least I would make sure she wasn’t seriously hurt coming out of it but Lauren interceded and actually gave a compelling argument why it should be her. Max agreed. 

“I thought maybe Lauren would beat Tris but that it would be drawn out because Tris is so reluctant to give up or that Tris would win and it’d be done. But my god, Zeke, Tris was amazing; better than I remember her being, even.   She beat Lauren so quickly with minor injuries.” 

“I’m not surprised. Lauren may have learned from Amar like we did and she may have taught initiates but Tris has always been good, even when she was little. It just comes naturally to her—all of it. Two years of learning from you and even fighting Amar, though, has made her basically unstoppable. It’s not surprising she’s another Dauntless prodigy, Four. Tris has always been quick to learn and she instinctively knows what to do, plus she’s much more irritatingly stubborn than Uriah.” 

“Yeah, I’ve noticed sometime over the last two years.” 

“So it should have been over when Tris won.” 

“Yeah. I thought it was but then Eric stopped her and challenged her before she left the ring. Max didn’t do anything and I figured Eric was just trying to scare her so I let her handle it. I knew that if I jumped in, it could compromise my ability to protect her and Uriah later on. So Tris told Eric no. The second time she said it, he just started hitting her without warning. Before I could even react, she was fighting back. I couldn’t separate them until after she knocked Eric unconscious. He woke back up as she blacked out but Max finally called the fight. Tris won. 

“God, Zeke, if I had known this was going to happen, I would have just fought her. I would have felt terrible doing it but it would have been better than this.” 

“You couldn’t have known. If I had been there I would have probably made the same choice. Lauren was the best option. Honestly, if she hadn’t just fought Lauren, I know she would have beat Eric handily.” 

I nod, remembering the conversation from the first time I met Tris. “Honestly, I agree with you. She was brilliant in the fight as is but I don’t trust Eric. I was just worried he wouldn’t stop once he started hurting her. With Eric all of this seems really personal.” 

“What does?” 

“His hatred toward her. Wanting to fight her.” 

“What makes you say that?” 

“When I separated them I was throwing things out to get under his skin, hoping it would make him back off. I asked if she had turned him down or something. The way he flinched made me wonder if I had accidentally stumbled upon the truth.” 

Zeke sighs heavily and runs a hand through his hair. “ I don’t know for sure but I’ve always suspected. I beat him up when we were twelve. He said some terrible stuff to her—I don’t know what it was but I would bet that it was about her parents. Apparently he’d been doing it for a while.   She tried to ignore it but then she finally cracked and just shut down, sobbing. I beat the _shit_ out of him when I found her crying with him standing over her. He won the fight in the end but I think I hurt him more than I’ve ever hurt someone in my life. Other than that incident I never interfered again. I knew he still gave her trouble but she always handled it. I would hear rumors about things he’d do or say but I never witnessed any of it. She banged him up pretty badly several times. The last time I knew of was a few days before our Choosing Ceremony. I was and wasn’t surprised when he joined Dauntless. I thought he’d want to hide in Erudite after taking so many beatings at the hands of a girl younger and smaller than him but he also seemed unnaturally interested in Tris so I wondered if he was here for her.” 

I can’t contain the shock I’m feeling from the conversation’s revelations. “You think he has feelings for her?” 

“Probably more than that. I think he’s borderline obsessed with her—whether out of whatever sick, twisted love he feels for her or something else, I don’t know.”

“Have you ever told Tris any of this or asked her about it?” 

“No. I know she doesn’t want to talk about it. As much as I play the part of the smothering big brother, I know she can handle her own. But if she were to tell me something was wrong and that she needed help, the person who caused it would be dead.” 

“Yeah, I know, Zeke.” 

“I want to hurt Eric.” He growls quietly. 

“Me too.” 

“But that’s Tris’s call. She either has to do it or tell me to do it.” 

“Just because Tris doesn’t want you to fight Eric doesn’t mean we can’t hurt him in a different way.” 

“What do you mean?” 

“We take away his power. If he doesn’t have that, his ability to hurt Tris or anyone else goes down dramatically.” 

“You know what it will take to do that though, right, Four?” 

“Yes, I do. It’s a good thing both of us work in the Control Room.”

Zeke sighs and plops down in the seat next to her bed. He rests his elbows on his thighs and rubs his hands over his face. “I hate this. I feel like I’m supposed to protect her but I’m also not allowed to. I know she doesn’t need it but I want to anyway.” 

“You wouldn’t have been able to protect her from this, Zeke.”

“Yeah, I know. That actually makes it worse. I can’t even do what I’m supposed to do or what I want to do. Just because it’s how things are doesn’t mean I have to like it. Look, Four, I know you feel guilty about all of this but you shouldn’t. You did everything you could.” 

“I feel like I broke my promise to you to protect her and Uriah.” 

“Are you kidding, Four? I just asked you to keep them from being found out. You’ve been going way above that.” 

“I’m their instructor. I have to do what’s right for the initiates. It’s my job.” I offer it automatically even though I know Zeke won’t buy that’s why I’m doing it. 

“Sure, but really you’re being a good friend and a good substitute brother.” It’s fine if he believes those are the only reasons. That I can live with because it doesn’t mean that I’m going to come to blows with him. 

We slip into an easy conversation about lighter topics temporarily. After about ten minutes, Tris’s pain killers wear off enough that she begins to stir, waking up. Zeke immediately is sitting at the edge of her bed to tell her what happened, her injuries and joke about how a scrawny girl like her could beat Eric so quickly even after winning a fight right before. I offer to go get Uriah and leave.


	15. Four

After sending Uriah to Tris, I grab some food. I know they’ll want time to talk so I focus on what I should do that evening for a while, concluding that I should visit Lauren after dinner to do rankings. About halfway through dinner, Zeke walks in. He only looks mildly irritated-- an improvement from earlier.

 

“How’s she doing?” Shauna asks tentatively as he sits down next to her and across from me.

 

“She’s in pain but they’ll release her tomorrow morning in time for Visiting Day, they think. She’ll have to take it easy for a couple days but she should be fine.”

 

“Stage 2 doesn’t require anything physical so she’ll be OK. She’ll just have to make sure not to get into any fights outside of training.” I offer it, hoping that the reminder would make him feel better. Zeke nods at the information.

 

“So are you just taking a break right now?” Shauna shares my confusion at Zeke’s presence. Neither one of us expected to see him for dinner.

 

“Yes. They needed to have Twin Time so I came to get dinner.” Zeke rolls his eyes but I can tell he doesn’t actually mind it. The fact that Tris is awake and acting like nothing happened has to be a relief to him.

 

“Even with broken ribs they have to have Twin Time. I shouldn’t be surprised. Marlene will probably have to drag Uriah away tonight to get him to bed.” Shauna nudges Zeke’s elbow as she says it but he seems to be lost in a serious thought.

 

“I know. He can’t stay there tonight since he’s still recovering from his fight with her and had to fight again today. Marlene is going to drag him away so he actually sleeps and gets better. I don’t like her being there alone though—not with Eric being the way he always is. I’m worried something will happen. I have to work the Control Room tonight though so I can’t be there.” Zeke glances across the table at me and I see the worry that lies in his eyes. He’s trying to sound only mildly concerned but I can tell something happened that has him on high alert. He clearly doesn’t want Shauna to know about it.

 

“If you want,” I begin, training my gaze on my food and keeping my voice even and calm, “I could take your shift tonight in the Control Room.”

 

“No, Four, I know you have to work in the morning because of the initiates and you worked all of today. I can’t ask you to do that.” I look up to meet Zeke’s eyes and know he’s silently telling me what he really wants me to do. He wants me to keep an eye on her for him. I hold his gaze as I respond.

 

“Well, I was going to go visit Lauren in a bit to do rankings with her. I could always just stay and keep an eye out for the night for both of them. I’m sure Eric’s happy with neither of them right now.” I know what I’m saying isn’t entirely true and I’m pretty sure Lauren will be released tonight but those are things better left for a conversation when we’re somewhere less public.

 

“Would you do that?”

 

“Sure, as long as the nurse on duty will let me even though I’m not family.”

 

“She will. It’s Janet.” Janet is one of my biggest fans and she’s also good friends with Zeke’s Mom. I’ve never asked her to let me do something like this so I feel certain she’ll let me.

 

“Then it’s settled. When dinner is over I’ll be heading over to see Lauren. You want to come with me?” I know Zeke’s answer is yes but I ask anyway since Shauna is here.

 

“Sure. I’ll hang out with you two until Twin Time is over and I can visit Tris before my shift starts.”

 

“Sounds like a plan.”

 

Shauna changes the subject and Zeke and I remain mostly quiet while Shauna talks. Zeke responds to her periodically and asks questions but I can tell that he’s really just biding his time until we can leave. We finally finish and get up 10 minutes later. Zeke gives Shauna a quick kiss before she heads off to see Lynn. Zeke and I begin the trek to the infirmary. After a minute, Zeke pulls me into a side hall that’s a dead end where we know there aren’t any cameras.

 

“What happened?” I whisper.

 

“When I left Tris’s room I ran into Eric in the hall. He looked terrible and he was pissed. He mentioned to me that Tris was lucky you and Max were there. I told him I thought he’d have learned his lesson over the years with how many times she’s beat him in a fight. He said things have changed and now that he’s in charge that he’d finish what he started.”

 

“What? What does that mean?” I know what it means but I ask anyway.

 

“He’s going after Tris, Four. He feels threatened by her. You and I both know Max will want to make her a leader-in-training. She’s a goddamn Dauntless legacy because of her parents and Max’s friendship with them and now is one by her own right because of her fighting. Eric’s ability to sway Max will be non existent if she’s a leader.”

 

“But what could he possibly want to do that would be jeopardized?”

 

“I don’t know, Four. We’ll have to figure that out. All I know is right now we have to make sure he doesn’t kill her or send one of his minions to do it. I know you didn’t sign up for this and you’ve already done more than I originally asked of you but you’re the only other person who I know can win a fight with Eric or anyone he throws at you. You’re going to be able to protect her better than I can, Four.” He looks at his hands as he says it. I understand that this must be hard for him to admit to me.

 

“You know I’ll do whatever you need me to do. You’re my best friend. I can make sure that she’s safe tonight. It’s the least I can do to make up for not stopping Eric earlier. Once she’s out of the infirmary she’ll be able to defend herself again and she’ll have Uriah and all of her friends to back her up.” Zeke nods in agreement but still doesn’t make eye contact with me.

 

“Thank you.” I look out into the hallway when he says it. I can hear the anguish in his voice. It’s something that people don’t typically hear from Zeke.

 

As we continue toward the infirmary, I wonder if what he’s feeling is what happens when you love someone completely and feel helpless to stop the threats you know are coming. I loved my mother and I hated Marcus for hurting her, for hurting us, but I never felt the guilt of not being able to protect her. I was only a child and I couldn’t protect myself. But Zeke’s tone reminds me of the pang I felt in my chest this morning when Eric initially said he wanted to fight Tris and then again when he challenged her after her fight with Lauren. I desperately wanted to help her, to protect her, but knew I had no way to and it hurt. But tonight that will be different.

 

Zeke and I stop at Janet’s desk in the middle of the floor. She immediately asks about Hana and Zeke tells Janet that she’s on her rotation at the fence. Janet’s eyes flick over to me and she gives me an adoring smile. I’m used to it by now—Janet has a daughter a year younger than me who I know she’d love for me to date but I always ignore her gentle inquiries. It’s best to keep on Janet’s good side since being an instructor means I see her regularly during initiation. Outright rejecting her daughter would jeopardize that.

 

“Are you working night shift tonight, Janet?” I ask softly.

 

“Yes. Until 7:30 in the morning. Lucky me, right?”

 

“Yeah, lucky you. Zeke here has to get to the Control Room in a few minutes so he’s as lucky as you are.”

 

“Sorry, Zeke.”  


“Hey, still better than what my Mom has to do. 7, 14 and sometimes 30 days on the fence are much worse than a night shift in the Control Room.”

 

“Well, there is that. Your mom is a tough lady.”

 

“She is. So is Tris.” Janet gives a knowing nod and smile at that.

 

“That she is. You’re lucky to have so many wonderfully brave women in your family, Ezekial.” Everyone knows Janet has loved Tris since she was a little baby. She’s always loved all of the Pedrads but Tris most of all.

 

“I know.” Zeke reddens as he whispers his response.

 

“So Janet, we have a favor to ask.” I begin there because I’m not sure how else to do it. “I know only family members are allowed to stay the night with a patient but Zeke here is really worried about Tris. She’s made some people angry and he’s concerned that since she’s hurt, something might happen tonight. I know I’m not family but Zeke is my best friend and Tris and Uriah might as well be my brother and sister, too.”

 

“So I asked him if he’d stay with her tonight and keep an eye out for her. If it’s OK with you, of course.” Zeke finishes, staring at Janet intently.

 

“Zeke, Four, you know I’ll say yes. You barely have to ask. I’ll have to give her some pain killers in a couple of hours but that should be it for the night.”

 

“Thank you, Janet. How’s Lauren doing?” I ask about Lauren for the first time today and a twinge of guilt hits me. With everything happening with Tris, I haven’t visited Lauren yet or even asked about her. God, I’m a terrible friend.

 

“She’s fine. She can probably go home in an hour but it’d be best for someone to walk her home since she’s coming down from some heavy drugs.”

 

“I’ll take her home before I head to work.” Zeke offers immediately.

 

“OK. I’ll be in to discharge her in a little bit then.” Janet responds and we head off to Lauren’s room.

 

“Well, well, well, look at your two. Four, I know you just want to finalize Stage 1 rankings but what are you doing here, Zeke?” Lauren says it like nothing has happened but the knot on the side of her head, the bruises around her face and shoulders and her labored breathing show that her fight with Tris has left her pretty seriously injured.

 

“I’m actually going to walk you home when you get discharged in a bit and then go to work.” Zeke offers it as though it’s something he does every day. Lauren’s face shows that she immediately knows that something is wrong. Usually, I would just walk her home myself and she knows it.

 

“Four, why aren’t you just walking me home?” Her eyes show a look of fear and I know it’s not for herself.

 

“Because I’m staying here to watch over Tris for the night. Eric is pretty intent on his vendetta against her and Tris is in no condition to defend herself.” I know I can tell Lauren and that she needs to know since she and I are going to have to keep our guard up through the rest of initiation.

 

“Oh my god. I thought our fight would be enough. I really did. When I heard he also fought her, I hoped that losing to her would make him stop, even if that’s not normal for him.”

 

“This is Eric. He’s insane. Nothing will be enough, I think. Once Tris is through initiation she’ll be safer but we have to be careful until then. She’s in danger.”

 

Lauren nods her head quickly. “Yes. Well, Uriah and her friends will be there to help her. You and I will have to be extra vigilant, though. Once rankings come out, who knows what will happen.”

 

I sigh, realizing in frustration that she’s right. Things will be worse once the initiates see where they rank. I hate this system that pits each of the initiates against each other. “I know. We’ll have to figure it out as we go, Lauren. But there isn’t much we can do because it wouldn’t be fair to rank Tris lower than she deserves just to protect her. Let’s just put them together and then we’ll talk about the rest.”

 

It only takes us about 15 minutes to figure out the rankings. Nothing about them is surprising. Lauren and I agree that I’ll get to the dorms a bit early tomorrow afternoon after Visiting Day to put them up. Since Lauren needs to heal, she also needs as much rest as possible so she’ll be spending the day doing that. I know I’ll have time since I don’t have family that visits on Visiting Day. I will just spend it with the Pedrads as I did last year but after Zeke gets some sleep and Amar gets back from his trip, Tris will be safely ensconced in their apartment with Zeke, Uriah and Amar while I post the rankings in the dorm.

 

As we agree, I hear loud laughter coming from Tris’s room, which is next door. From the number of voices we all conclude that pretty much everyone Tris is friends with is probably visiting her right now.

 

“Twin Time must be over.” Lauren remarks to Zeke.

 

“Yeah, it seems that way. I’ll stop over there in a few minutes before you get discharged and at least tell her goodnight. I don’t want to interrupt her time with her friends.”

 

“Good choice. She’s going to need them over the next couple of weeks. Lauren and I won’t be able to protect her every moment of the day, unfortunately. I mean, I’ll be able to do it for most of tomorrow but she needs them, too.” Zeke frowns a little but he knows I’m right. I hate admitting that I can’t always personally protect her but unless I plan on sleeping at the foot of her bed in the dorm, it’s not possible.

 

“As long as Eric, that Candor kid and that Al guy stay away from her, I don’t care.” Zeke glowers as he says it. I have to suppress a laugh because I know that Al likes Tris and it’s clear Zeke knows it, too.

 

“Not a fan of Al now, Zeke?” Lauren asks innocently.

 

“No. It’s obvious that he likes Tris but I know she doesn’t like him. When he realizes it’s never going to happen, I can only imagine what he’ll do. He seems kind of unstable.”

 

“And if Tris did like him?”

 

“She doesn’t. I asked her earlier today. I know she likes someone but it’s not him.” Zeke responds, obviously still concerned.

 

“Tris would really tell you if it was Al?” I ask him, feeling nervous and a bit incredulous.

 

“Yes. The three of us don’t lie to each other but Tris is also a terrible liar so it’d be impossible for her to get away with it.” I already knew the last part so I guess it isn’t surprising.

 

“Never doubt the bond of the Pedrad kids, Four. It’s even more legendary than your skills.” Lauren’s tone is playful but still has a note of sincerity.

 

“I know it is. I guess I just didn’t understand the magnitude.”

 

“So any clue who Tris likes, Zeke?” Lauren winks at me as she asks it. I’m relieved that Zeke seems engrossed with a chart on the wall so he doesn’t notice but he walks over to take a seat by her bed before he responds.

 

“I thought I knew but I’m not sure. She won’t tell me who it is but I’m sure it’s one of the other initiates. And I know Uriah knows who it is but he won’t talk about it with me. He’ll only tell me not to worry—that the guy would never hurt her.”

 

“Uh, are you sure it’s one of the initiates? Because I don’t know how many of them wouldn’t hurt her, especially with her doing so well.” Lauren offers it and I know it’s because it’s what she would naturally say if she didn’t know who it was but the fact that she seems to think it’s me makes me worry that Zeke will come to the same conclusion. That idea terrifies me. I’m not ready to deal with my best friend feeling betrayed.

 

“It has to be one of the initiates because I overheard her mention to Uriah on Tuesday that she had talked to him earlier in the day. Unless there are members hanging around the training room, it’s an initiate.”

 

“Nope, just Four and I and the initiates. And Eric, of course.”

 

“It’s not Eric. She hates him.” Zeke spits the words out like spoiled food.

 

“Well we know it’s not Al. It can’t be Peter, Drew or Edward. When she fought them she clearly found them repulsive, not to mention the awkward history she has with Peter. I don’t think she wants a repeat of that. Who does that leave? Four, can you think of the other male initiates?” Lauren looks over at me, clearly waiting for me to jump in—she’s trying to keep Zeke from figuring it out, which means that I need to figure out how to divert his attention to one of the remaining initiates.

 

“Uh, Will, but I think he and Christina are dating or something. Unless she has a secret crush on her friend’s guy, I can’t see it happening. The only other ones that she’s not related to are Jake and Mason.”

 

“What are they like?” Zeke looks over at me, his curiosity piqued.

 

I look up, rubbing the back of my neck and trying to figure out what to say. “Uh, they’re nice enough, I guess. Jake is originally from Amity so he’s actually nice and Mason is Dauntless born. Neither has been outstanding in training but nothing about them makes me think that they’d hurt Tris in any way.” He huffs out a sigh and I can see the muscles in his shoulders relax a bit at my words.

 

“Thanks, Four. As long as she’s happy and whoever it is never hurts her, it’s fine. That’s all I care about.”

 

“You’re not going to go interrogate them?” Zeke let’s out a quick laugh at that thought.

 

“No, I’m not. If Tris likes the guy and you and Uriah say he’s OK, then I’ll let it be. It’s good enough for me. She’s probably more terrifying to them than I would ever be anyway.” Even though I know Zeke’s protectiveness is mostly vibrato, like Lauren said, I am still shocked to hear his words. I realize immediately that this is why Lauren went down this path. She wanted me to see that Zeke wouldn’t hate me for wanting to be with Tris-- he just would want to make sure I never hurt her.

 

“So what about you, Four?” Zeke is looking at me with a smirk, his eyebrows raised in a question. I suddenly worry that he’s decided that Tris could also have been referring to me. Even with my new knowledge of Zeke, I’m still not ready for him to know anything.

 

“What do you mean what about me?” I furrow my brow and frown a bit to make my point.

 

“I can’t figure out who you like. I know all of the same people you do. I know it’s not Shauna because you may be tough but you’d be a dead man if it was her. You have more sense than that. Besides, if you were interested in her, it would have happened during initiation. So that leaves who? The initiates, Janet’s daughter and Lauren, right? “ Zeke looks over at Lauren now, a curious look on his face. “Any hints, Lauren?”  


“Nope. I already told you enough earlier.” Zeke frowns at her, clearly unsatisfied.

 

Janet walks into the room and I relax because Zeke’s questions will have to stop. Zeke excuses himself to go talk to Tris while Janet gives Lauren her discharge instructions. When they’re done, I help Lauren out of bed and walk her into the hallway with her arm slung across my shoulder. Zeke comes out to join us in a minute after saying goodbye to Tris, hugging her gently and whispering something in her ear.

 

“I’ll see you tomorrow afternoon, Lauren. Zeke, don’t fall asleep at the monitor tonight.” Zeke laughs at that as he walks around to the other side of Lauren. He places her arm across his shoulders and gently has her shift her weight so it’s partially on him instead of me. I slip out from under her arm and wave as they start walking down the hall.

 

Janet is still in Lauren’s room, pulling sheets off the bed and tidying up. I walk back in to get my jacket that I forgot on the chair. Janet looks up at me with a sly smile.

 

“You’re in love with her, aren’t you?” She says it so quietly I almost don’t catch what she’s saying. When I do, I feel the heat rising in my cheeks and I have to force my breathing to settle before I can respond. I’m not sure if she means Tris or Lauren but the response is the same even if it is for different reasons.

 

“Who are you talking about?”

 

“Tris. You’re in love with her.” She catches my eye and smiles wider at me.

 

“What makes you say that?” I busy myself with putting on my jacket for a moment before crossing my arms against my chest.

 

“I heard about what happened that led to her being here-- her fight with Lauren, her fight with Eric, you breaking it up and even chastising Max over it. You refused to fight her even though you had two Dauntless leaders telling you to do it. You have to be in love with someone to be willing to do something like that.”

 

“She’s my initiate. I have to protect her like I have to protect all of them.”

 

“You and I both know that’s not all there is to it. It’s OK that you’re in love with her. _Everyone_ is at least a _little_ in love with her. Natalie was the same way.” I know my cheeks are burning red with embarrassment so I latch on to the possible re-direction in conversation.

 

“Who’s Natalie?”

 

“Tris’s mother. Tris is so much like her; it’s like talking to Natalie’s ghost.”

 

“You knew her?”

 

Janet smiles fondly, as if she’s recalling a pleasant moment. “Yes. I don’t think anyone didn’t know Natalie. It was impossible to not know her. She and I were friends for years. I remember holding Tris the week after she was born and the way Andrew and Natalie looked at her so adoringly. The day Natalie and Andrew died the entire faction mourned not just members or leaders but something more precious. It seemed like everyone changed just a little. Even Max.”

 

“Max?”

 

“Yes. Max and Natalie knew each other their whole lives. He became a leader just before Natalie and Andrew did-- they were close friends. I think he took their deaths harder than anyone else.”

 

“I didn’t know that.” I’m not sure how this changes what has happened but I’m sure it does.

 

“Four?”

 

“Yes?”

 

“Max was the one who told me about what happened today. You know he wouldn’t ever put Tris in real danger, right? I know allowing either fight seemed odd but Max was too close to Natalie and Andrew to ever do something that would put her in real danger.” I want to believe her but Max’s record of brutality makes it harder to do that.

 

“I hope you’re right, Janet.” _Especially if he finds out that she’s Divergent._

 

“I am. And I hope that once initiation is over you tell Tris how you feel. I think the two of you belong in each other’s lives. You soften just a little bit when you’re around her. It’s good to see that someone has that effect on you.”

 

“I’ll think about it, Janet. Can you do me a favor though?”

 

“Sure.”

 

“Don’t tell anyone about this conversation, please.”

 

“I won’t. It’s just between you and I. I won’t even tell Max or Hana. Max told me about Eric, which is one of the reasons why I said you could stay. Max is worried about what he might do, too.”

 

I feel a warm, angry rush through my body but keep my instructor tone so my emotions don’t betray me. “Then Max should do something about that. Eric is insane. I know he feels threatened by Tris but this is ridiculous. You may have said that everyone is a little in love with Tris but I wonder if Eric feels anything other than hatred towards her, really.”

 

“Rejected love can look a lot like hatred, Four.”

 

“I was worried you would say something like that. Though I don’t know if it applies to all of the initiates who hate her. ”

 

“Sometimes we assume it will be rejected without the words being spoken.” She stops and looks at me for a few moments as the words sink in. She looks like she’s about to continue on that topic but then changes her mind. “So, to go back to the first favor you asked of me earlier—once Tris’s friends leave I’ll come in and do her last check for the night and give her the remaining pain killers. After that I shouldn’t need to come back in the room for the rest of the night. I’ll keep an eye out for any people who come by though when I’m not in with another patient. If I see anything or anyone you’ll know immediately.”

 

“Thank you, Janet. I’ll probably move my chair to block the door and sleep there so if you need to come in, just knock.”

 

“OK. You’ll need to step out for her last check, by the way. I have to ask her several questions and it requires privacy.” I blush a little at that but re-focus my attention to the task at hand. This isn’t the time for me to show my Abnegation roots.

 

“That’s not a problem. I’m going to go check in with my initiates before they leave.”

 

“OK, can you see if you can help usher them out? Visiting hours are supposed to already be over, technically, so they need to leave in the next couple of minutes.”

 

“I will.” I nod to her and turn to head to Tris’s room, my face and tone set as Four’s.

 

I stop myself outside the door to take in how half of the initiate class is in Tris’s room—even Lynn, who I’ve never heard say a positive thing to or about Tris. I quietly step so I’m standing in the doorway itself and clear my throat loudly. Every eye snaps to me immediately.

 

“Tomorrow is Visiting Day, initiates. If your families do visit you, which many won’t, you will need to remember that the Dauntless leadership will be watching you and evaluating your closeness to them. Remember: faction before blood. For those who are Dauntless born, you can spend it with your family if you choose but remember that similarly the leadership will be evaluating whether you’re too reliant on them. We don’t need children here; we need soldiers. Eric will remind everyone of this in the morning. As I mentioned earlier today, Stage 1 rankings will be posted in the dorms tomorrow afternoon after lunch.

 

But for now, it’s time for everyone to leave. Nurse Janet has informed me that visiting hours are over so say your good byes.” Everyone is too busy taking in the information and probably too scared of me to let out the groan I know they’re feeling. I don’t particularly care that I’m ending their fun; I only want to make sure that nothing happens to Tris and that requires them to leave.


	16. Tris

** Tris **

Every part of me hurts. That’s not an exaggeration. The pain is a dull rumbling in my feet that explodes into a sharp, agonizing cutting into my torso and finishes as a heavy pounding in my head. There’s something deeper that hurts, though. Perhaps it’s my pride or my sense of security. Maybe it’s both, but at least one of them has been injured severely. 

When I first woke up, Ezi and Four were there, tutting and worrying as always. One day I am going to go twenty-four hours without a brother figure worrying about me. Apparently that day would not be today. 

The look on Four’s face reminded me of the times when we would fight with padded gloves before initiation. Each time he would hit me, I would see the same cringe and worried expression seize him, even though I could tell he wasn’t hitting me nearly as hard as he could be and the protective gear made any pain from it non existent. One time, when Four hit me not particularly any harder than usual, I decided to act like it had struck me more powerfully and fell to the ground. I don’t really know why I did it other than because I was irritated with how gingerly I felt he was treating me: like I might break. There was a twinge of regret that came over me when he dropped to the mat next to me, pulling off his gloves in a rush and franticly scanning me for injury while letting out a string of expletives. A couple days later Amar would scowl at me and remind me not to play cruel jokes on people just because I don’t like it when I think someone is being overprotective. 

Throughout the evening, I’m surprised how many people visit outside of my family. I knew Ezi would visit—an initiate being in the infirmary is one of the exceptions for family members to visit them—but when most of my initiate class stops by, I can say with full honesty that I am completely confused but happy. Even Lynn, who has never really liked me, comes in with Marlene. Ezi comes by again in the evening to say goodnight but when he hugs me, I hear words that instantly make me angry, 

“I have to go to work. Four’s going to stay with you to make sure you’re OK.” 

I want to tell him that this is ridiculous. I want to tell him that I don’t need a baby sitter. I want to tell him that I can take care of myself and don’t need a guard to keep watch over me and make sure I don’t do anything dangerous. His face, however, has worry etched along its crevices, making him look older than I remember him being barely a week ago. I nod slightly only because I realize that this is more for Ezi’s sake than mine, really. I can be the dutiful sister today, even if it means that I have to have my instructor, in front of whom I’ve embarrassed myself in recent history, stand sentry over me. 

Four walks in a few minutes later, making an announcement about Visiting Day and directing everyone back to the dorm. Most everyone gives me a careful hug or pat goodbye, depending, and leaves. I can’t stop the smirk that appears on my face as I notice many of them glaring slightly at Four for ending our visit, though he seems to either not notice them or not care. 

“Alright, Ri, Marlene is making me go back and sleep at the dorm. Something about needing to sleep after taking such a beating from such a little lady.” There are several times when I’ve appreciated my twin’s kind and happy nature. This is one of them.

“She’s probably right. You look terrible.” He sticks his tongue out at me and I do the same in response, and momentarily we’re five years old again. There’s a brief moment of laughter and a quick hug before he claps Four on the shoulder and leaves. The sunshine that seems to follow him everywhere feels like it leaves the room with him. 

Sometimes when I watch Four, I wonder if he moves as quietly and stealthily around his apartment doing every day tasks as he does in moments like these. I know he does when he’s fighting. When he crosses the room to sit in the chair next to my bed, I feel almost like he’s trying to sneak up on me. 

“How are you feeling?” He’s leaning forward with his elbows resting on his thighs as he looks at me. I can’t figure out why he wears a look of guilt right now.

“I’ve been better but I’m fine.” 

“Tris, you’ve fought five people in the past four days—two of which were members and very difficult members to beat at that. I think anyone would understand if you’re in pain.” He reaches out a hand and for a moment I think he’s going to rest it on mine but then he seems to stop himself and instead he lets it sit on the edge of the bed. “You know you can be tell me anything, right? I think we both know I can keep a secret.” 

“There’s no secret to keep, Four.”   I’m not sure if I’m agitated because my pain really is increasing every minute as a result of the medicine wearing off, or because I can’t believe he has the gall to ask me about this right now. 

I don’t know if Four senses my anger but regardless, his voice comes out just above a whisper. “Why did Eric want to fight you so much?” 

“Because Uriah told him this morning that he thought I was tougher than Eric.” 

“Tris, you’re a terrible liar.” 

“I’m not lying. You even told Ezi yourself that was the reason.” He looks at me confused so I clarify, “Ezi told me after you left.” 

Four sighs, sounding exasperated. “We both know that can’t be the whole reason.” 

His words send a ray of concentrated anger through me. I’m aware in the back of my mind that maybe they shouldn’t but they do. Part of me wants to tell him everything like I did about Caleb at the Chasm the other day, but I fight that impulse because I know I embarrassed myself then both by what I told him and by breaking down the way I did. I don’t want a repeat of that. And that impulse doesn’t change that I’m still angry. If moving wouldn’t send a jolt of agony through me, I’d be tempted to try to lean forward or even get up so I could be in his face right then, I’m so irritated. 

“And you know so much about all of this. Tell me, _Four,_ why am I supposed to trust you so much and tell you everything when you tell me nothing? I don’t even know your real name. I told you before that if I have any problems I’ll tell my instructor, _Lauren._ ” I know I’m hurting him by saying this but the words are out there and I’m too angry to think about it. I can’t even quite place why I’m so angry and maybe I shouldn’t be but it doesn’t matter anymore. I just am.

I’ve never seen Four look truly surprised before—usually his face is such a controlled mask—but suddenly he’s looking at me with a wide eyed expression that seems out of place on him. He pulls his hands into his lap and leans back in his chair, dropping his gaze to his fingers. 

“As long as you tell someone if something is wrong. I don’t care if it’s me or not.” 

“I’m fine, Four. Just drop it.” He opens his mouth and closes it promptly, reminding me of fish I’ve seen in aquaria at school. 

We stare at each other for what seems like eternity but is probably only several minutes. It’s interrupted when the nurse comes in and announces she needs to examine me privately. Four awkwardly exits, leaving me feeling easier and more on edge at once, for completely separate reasons. 

The nurse moves around me quietly and efficiently, palpating my skin in different places, presumably checking for further injuries and checking my pulse. She chuckles as her chilly stethoscope touches my chest. 

“Even when you’re angry you’re exactly like her.”

“Like who?” I don’t feel amused but apparently she does. 

“Natalie.” I light at my mother’s name. “I suspect you even get angry at the same things.” 

“You knew my mother?” 

“Yes, she was a friend of mine. Well, she was my instructor when I was an initiate but we were also friends.”

“Can…can you tell me about her?” 

I’ve asked Mom about my mother exactly once and it was when I was too young to understand that the questions might make her feel as though she was unloved or unwanted and beyond those things, that losing my mother was also hard for Mom to bear. When Mom began trying to recount her memories of my mother, I could tell the flood of nostalgia hurt her to dredge up and I was riddled with guilt for weeks. Mom has done everything possible for me and I know it. I never asked after that because I couldn’t stand to see Mom hurt like that again knowing that it was for my own self indulgence. Asking this nurse about my mother might be my only chance. 

The nurse looks up at the ceiling, feigning as though she’s considering my question carefully. I know she’ll tell me what I’m asking. 

“When I was growing up, I thought she was the most amazing person I’d ever met and the thing is that she really was. She was full of life and energy and bravery. She embodied so much of the Dauntless manifesto, especially ordinary acts of bravery. Natalie would not stand for bullies ever, just like I hear you won’t.” 

“What do you mean?” 

I’ve never seen a nurse roll her eyes at a patient…until now. “Oh please, everyone knows about your stand offs with Eric and many others who target people younger or smaller than them. When I first heard, I knew that you had grown up to be exactly like Natalie. It made me happy because she would be so proud of you.” 

“Do you really think so?”  
  
“Yes. I can understand why Max talks about you with such affection.” 

That I don’t understand. “Max? Really?”

“Of course. Max grew up with Natalie just like I did. Well, Max was older than Natalie. I was the youngest of the group, unfortunately.   I only was welcome because Natalie allowed it. But Max knew her their entire lives. They were instructors together and they were leaders together, with your father, of course.” I don’t know what to do with the knowledge about Max knowing my mother and never saying anything about her.

“Did she love my father?” 

“Andrew? God, yes. And lord knows he was a fool for her. He was lost to loving her probably the moment he met her in school. It seemed like everyone was, but especially him. I don’t think anyone in either faction was surprised when he transferred from Erudite, even his family. She was always going to be Dauntless, which made his decision easier. She loved him just as much as he loved her and just as she loved you and your brother. There’s nothing that either one of them wouldn’t have done to protect their children.” 

It’s wonderful and painful to know these truths. I was loved by my parents, just as much as I love and ache for them now, even though I have a current family that has been mine for as long as I can remember.

“I miss them, even though I didn’t know them.” 

“I know. I think everyone misses them—the faction lost a part of its soul when they died.” She motions for me to lean forward a bit and I wince at the pain that comes with my movement since I have a few cracked ribs. “Natalie would think your body guard is cute.”

“My body guard?” My breaths are short and sharp due to the pain, injury and my own confusion. Realization comes suddenly to me. “Oh, Four?” 

She chuckles at my question. “Yes. You know, I don’t think I’ve ever seen him guard an initiate or really anyone in the infirmary before. Then again, I don’t think I’ve ever seen him show any emotion or care toward anyone before.” 

“He’s Ezi—I mean Zeke’s best friend. Four is being my surrogate brother right now for him. That’s all.”

“I have a brother and you have brothers, too. Brothers do _not_ look at sisters like Four looks at you. And I’ve never looked at my brother the way you look at Four.  Whatever is happening certainly isn’t out of any _brotherly_ feelings.”

“He’s my instructor as well. He has to at least try to make sure I stay alive.” 

The nurse rolls her eyes at me but remains silent for the rest of the time she’s in my room. When she gives me more painkillers, I don’t protest because the pain has become sharper and it will keep me up tonight if I don’t take something. After she’s given it to me, I feel the world start to get a little fuzzy and Four walks back into the room. 

“Hey.” He says it quietly as he carefully takes a seat by the bed. 

“Hey.” The concerned look on his face makes me feel vaguely sorry and embarrassed for being so mad at him earlier. “I didn’t mean to yell at you earlier.” 

“You don’t need to say that. I haven’t really given you a good reason to divulge things to me. I want you to be able to trust me, though. Maybe I can figure out a way to make that possible.” 

The nurse leans her head in the door and looks at Four and I. “I don’t need to come do anything more for the rest of the night since you’ve had your medication, Tris. I’ll be taking care of other patients or at the nurse’s desk if you need me but I’m going to go ahead and close the door to the room, OK?” I nod at her, feeling a bit sluggish, probably from the painkillers.

“Thank you, Janet. I’ll lock it behind you if that’s OK.” So that’s her name. I can’t believe I didn’t think to ask her. 

“Of course. If I need to enter for any reason, I’ll knock three times.” Janet gives us a small wave and pulls the door closed as she leaves. 

“You know Janet well?” I don’t know why I’m surprised that Four knows people outside of our small group of people. 

“With initiation rules changing last year and this year, more initiates end up in the infirmary, so I see her regularly for that. Plus, her daughter was an initiate last year and while Lauren was their instructor, I helped with parts of their training, too, so I got to know her daughter.”   I shouldn’t feel jealous about Four training Janet’s daughter or knowing her, but I do. 

“Is Janet’s daughter the one you dated last year, then?” 

“Oh, no, that was Emily. She was an initiate the same year I was and Zeke set me up with her after she kissed me during new member dare last year. I never dated Janet’s daughter.” Four looks down at his hands in his lap as he says it and the simple gesture riddles me with guilt for staring at him so I look down at my own hands as well.

“Sorry, I shouldn’t have asked. It’s really none of my business.” I notice Four look back to me so I look up to meet his gaze again.

“No, it’s OK. I told you I want you to trust me and I know I haven’t ever really told you anything about myself whereas I know a lot about you. I don’t think you asking a few questions about me really equates to the level of knowledge I have about you or even the depth of the things I know about you.” 

“Can I ask you other questions?” 

“Sure.” 

“What’s your real name, Four?” I expect his heavy sigh as he leans forward in his chair but I didn’t expect him to reach out and gently place his hand over mine. 

“I promise I’ll tell you, just not now.” He looks so pained and sincere that I can’t imagine that he’s lying about his promise. “If you’re going to know it, you should know all of it and that’s not something I can explain now. Do you believe me?”

“Sure, Four.” I slide my hand around under his so it’s palm to palm with his hand and I can give his a slight squeeze. I hope it’s enough for him to know that I really do believe him.

“So can I ask you why Zeke, Uriah and Amar call you ‘Ri’?”

I chuckle a bit at his question. “Sure, but it’s not a very interesting story.” 

“It doesn’t matter. I’d like to hear it if you wouldn’t mind telling me.” 

I shrug at him and think of how best to explain it. “OK. Shortly after I came to live with Mom, Ezi and Uri, Mom gave Uriah the nickname of ‘Uri’ since it was shorter. I tried to imitate her saying it but I couldn’t quite get it right—I’d say the syllables very slowly, as if they were separate words. It made it sound to other people like I was saying, or mostly yelling, ‘you’re Ri’.” Four has started to slowly rub small circles with his thumb on the back of my hand that’s holding on to his. If he is conscious of the action, he doesn’t show it, so I must be the only one distracted by it. I have to try to focus my mind on my story with difficulty. “Ezi would try to correct me when I’d say it by saying, ‘no, Uri’, but I would just get confused. Amar decided it sounded like we were arguing over whose name was Ri, so that’s what Ezi started calling me. It’s stuck ever since.” 

Four’s smile in response to my words is warm. I’ve rarely seen him smile and I don’t think I’ve ever seen him smile like that. It’s a shame because it transforms his entire demeanor. 

“So you’ve all always been like this, then.” 

“Probably.” I think I hear a faint laugh from him but I’m not sure. The drugs are making me feel progressively tired but also a little more courageous and impetuous than normal so I decide to ask my next question even though I know it’s probably a bad idea. “Four, why are you doing this?” 

“What are you talking about?” 

“Why are you staying here tonight with me or even why were you at the Chasm with me the other night? It seems like you’re spending a lot of time on me.”

“I have to make sure my initiates are safe.” Four’s gaze is fixed on our hands as he says it and his thumb has stopped its motion. His words sound like a lie, which just makes me want to press further. 

“If that’s all it is, then why haven’t you been spending your nights at the infirmary watching over other initiates or even sleeping in the dorms to make sure that nothing happens?” 

He tries to shrug casually but the motion is mechanical and uncomfortable. “Maybe I do stay in the infirmary and you just don’t know it.” 

“You don’t, though.” He looks surprised and curious how I would know this. “Janet told me she’s never seen you stay with an initiate or anyone in the infirmary before. So I’ll just ask again—why are you doing this?” The words are punctuated with a yawn since my eyelids feel like they each weigh ten pounds. I’m fighting to stay awake but I know I won’t for much longer. 

“I don’t know, Tris. I guess because I feel like I should out of being like a surrogate brother or friend.” 

His response disappoints me but I’m probably too tired to show it. I’m about half asleep and I’m babbling something out but I don’t know what it is. My voice seems distant and garbled. Right before sleep pulls me under I faintly hear what I think is Four’s voice say, ‘me, too’ but I don’t know why. 

 

 

I wake with a startle and panic as my eyes adjust to the darkness and I don’t see Four’s chair at the side of my bed. As I scan the room, I see it in front of the door looking as if it hastily was pushed aside. The door to the room is ajar. I hear Four’s voice saying something in a low tone. It takes more effort than I’d like and a few times of saying his name for him to finally hear me and come back in. 

“Hey, you should be asleep.” He closes and locks the door behind him, crosses the room and sits down on my bed gently, positioning himself so his face is only a couple of feet from mine. “You’re never going to get out of here if you don’t sleep, Tris.” His ridiculous, out of place focus on me needing sleep is all I need to know that something bad has happened. 

“Something woke me up. What is going on, Four?” 

He reaches out and tucks a lock of hair behind my ear and traces his thumb over a bruise on the side of my face. My skin tingles after his touch. “You don’t need to be worried; it’s over now.” 

“What happened, Four?” 

He pauses and sighs before he finally begins.   “Molly tried to get into the room but I stopped her.” 

“What did you do?”

“I opened the door and immediately punched her in the throat before she could do anything. Zeke saw her on the cameras right before I punched her and immediately called down to the nurse’s desk. Night security just took Molly away. They found a knife on her.”

I don’t know why I start to panic, but I do. My breaths are short and shallow and I can’t control them at all. My heart is racing. For some reason I can’t shake the feeling that someone must be hiding somewhere, waiting to jump out and attack. I lean forward, even though it faintly hurts to do it, and look around the room. Four adjusts the pillows behind me so I’m propped up, which helps alleviate the pain. I didn’t honestly think anything like this would happen; I thought Ezi was being paranoid when he asked Four to stay. Every time I think about Molly somewhere with a knife, waiting for me, a fresh wave of terror washes over me and my breathing becomes more erratic. Four moves closer to me, taking my face in his hands so we’re looking at each other. 

“Tris, calm down. Come on, Tris, take a deep breath. Please, Tris, if you don’t calm down, you’re going to pass out.” 

He must decide that his approach isn’t working so instead he turns so he can sit back into the bed next to me and gently slides an arm across my shoulders. I let him pull me into him and automatically I rest my head against his chest as he wraps his other arm around me and rests his head on top of mine. His finger tips softly and slowly run up and down my arm. It’s soothing and exciting. 

“Tris, Molly is gone. She can’t do anything to you now. There’s nothing to worry about; she’s gone.” The vibration of his voice in his chest lulls me a little and I feel my breathing slow slightly. I begin trying to focus on the sound and feel of his voice to distract myself from the lingering fear and panic. “I won’t let anything happen to you, Tris. I promise. I know you don’t need me to protect you but that doesn’t mean I won’t do it anyway.” 

He shifts a little against me so somehow we’re even closer and his hand leaves my arm to begin running through my hair, brushing it back from my face. After a few times doing this, his hand instead slides across my cheek until his fingers are wrapped around the back of my head, tangled in my hair. His proximity and the feel of his breath on my ear is comforting. My breath is still too fast but it’s slower than it was. 

“Can you do something for me, Tris?” I nod slightly against him; I don’t trust myself enough to speak. “Take a slow, deep breath in for four seconds and then let it out slowly for four seconds.” I do what he says with difficulty. “Good. Do that a few more times. It will help get your breathing back to normal.” 

I follow his instructions and sure enough my breathing becomes slower and more even. My heartbeat also slows and I relax against him. I’m struck by the same sensation I had when we were at the Chasm together: like this is naturally what we should be doing. Being here like this feels secure and soothing even though my stomach is fluttering with excitement at the same time. I keep trying to breath slowly, which proves to also lull me towards sleep. The yawn I let out against his chest comes unbidden. 

“You should sleep. I can move back to sit in front of the door just in case something else happens.”

He starts to move as if to get up but I press my hand against his chest to try to stop him. “Would it be OK if you stay here instead?” I’m glad it’s dark because I can feel the heat in my cheeks that means I’m blushing deeply. I wish I knew what he was thinking right now so I could determine how much I’ve just embarrassed myself really. 

“Of course. Are you sure you’re comfortable?” He whispers it and I just hum in affirmation as I drift to sleep. 

The next time I wake up, I know it must be early in the morning. Four is still asleep, judging by his breathing and I stay there, appreciating the feeling of being wrapped up with him, listening to his heartbeat. Without thinking, I turn to bury my face in his chest momentarily, as if not seeing the rest of the room will make this moment be able to last longer. As I pull back I place a soft kiss on his collarbone, careful to make sure that it won’t wake him up. On queue, of course, there are three knocks on the door and I look up to see Four open his eyes. It’s obvious as he pulls back from me that he has to think for a moment before he remembers where he is and why. In that moment he looks surprised to see me. 

“Good morning.” His voice is deeper than normal and gravelly from sleep.   It sends shivers down my spine as he smiles at me slightly. “That’s Janet at the door, I’m sure. I’ll go let her in.” 

Without thought, I snake my arms around his torso and pull him to me for a moment. Closing my eyes tightly I give myself five seconds before I let him go, but in those five seconds I feel his grip on me tighten and his lips fleetingly and gently press to my forehead. The moment is quickly lost and he slowly extracts himself from the bed, clearly taking care to not accidentally upset any of my injuries. I let him walk away even though I don’t want to. A steady ache develops spontaneously in my stomach, not due to any aftermath from a fight, but a longing for him to return to being next to me. Part of me wishes that no one was at the door. When he opens it, Janet and Amar step in. 

“Lady Zeke, I hear from Zeke that you’ve been beating everyone up since I’ve been gone.” He flashes a smile and walks over to give me a careful hug. 

“Only because you weren’t here to beat up instead.” I joke back, hoping that by doing so, he won’t notice how out of sorts I am and the suspicious status of the room. 

“Tris, you should be fine to go home now. Just be careful not to get into any fights or anything for a while until you’re more healed.” Janet says it quickly and hands me some papers with instructions of what I can and can’t do in the immediate future. “If you start feeling worse, come back, OK?”

“OK, Janet. Thank you for everything.” 

“You’re welcome. If you ever want to talk to me about anything, you know where to find me. And say hello to your _brothers_ for me.” Janet winks as she says it. I only can hope that my face isn’t flushing right now.


	17. Amar

** Amar **

 

The moment I walk into Tris’s room at the infirmary, I know something is awry. Four looks slightly disheveled, which isn’t surprising considering he was guarding her all night, but he also looks guilty. As I glance around, I see that the blanket on the bed has been thrown to the side, clearly from someone climbing out of the bed a few moments ago. I have an idea why. Four’s eyes must have followed where mine went as Janet talks to Tris. When Four realizes what I’ve seen and turns to look at me, I just grin and quirk an eyebrow at him. 

Once Janet is done giving Tris her instructions and the bottles of medication she’s supposed to take the next few days, she exits and we all stand in silence. “Alright, Lady Zeke, I just came to see how you were doing before you were discharged. I’m going to check on Uriah and bring him to Hana’s apartment. I’m sure Four can ensure that you get over there alright. I’ll let Ezekial know that you’ll be on your way.” Truthfully, I was planning on walking her to Hana’s apartment so Four could leave but that was before I had walked into this room and instantly known that Four slept in Tris’s bed last night. I’m sure they need to talk. 

“Eric will be stopping by the dorm right about now to give the initiates a lecture about Visiting Day so they should be awake by the time you get there.” Four offers it and I know it’s in an effort to help. It’s his indirect way of saying thank you for not mentioning what I’ve deduced. I know he’s hoping I also won’t mention anything to Ezekial about it. 

Instead of making my way to Uriah, I go to the control room to talk to Ezekial again, just to eat some time. I lean against the doorframe like I usually do. 

“Janet just discharged Ri and Four is going to make sure she gets back to Hana’s apartment safely. I’m going to check on Uri and make sure he gets over there, too. How are you holding up?” 

Ezekial looks over at me, fatigue and sadness heavy around his eyes. “Tired. Why aren’t you helping Ri instead?” 

I’m surprised by how his tone almost sounds accusatory. “Because Four said he had it under control. He actually suggested that I check on Uri and you.” I’ll have to remember to tell Four this lie in case Ezekial asks him, but I don’t feel bad for it since Four clearly wanted to stay with Ri and that was the original plan anyway.

“Sorry, Amar. I just feel bad for asking so much of Four.   He spent all last night watching over her and you know about Molly. I have no idea if he’s even slept and I just feel bad that I had to ask him to do it. I don’t think he planned to spend initiation being her body guard.” 

“Four doesn’t mind helping, Ezekial. He’s as close to Ri as any of us are, really.” _Maybe even closer._ That should be just vague enough to not lead Ezekial to the right conclusion but it also isn’t really a lie. 

“I know; he’s like another one of the family.” 

_Yeah, but I think he’d like to be a part of it in a very different way._

“Speaking of family, when is Hana getting back?” 

“She’ll be back in time for lunch. She won’t be able to stay much beyond that but at least she’ll get to see Uri and Ri for a little bit. I’m hoping that will begin to make up for how brutal the first stage of training has been.” 

“When are rankings being posted?” 

“Tonight. Four’s putting them up in the dorms.”

“What do you think they’ll be?” 

Ezekial stares at me for a long time and I know he’s thinking that I’m either oblivious or dumb. “Ri will be in first place. Uri will be in second. That Candor kid will be somewhere in the top five but after some Erudite transfer. At least that’s what I picked up from Lauren and Four’s conversation last night. Not that I needed to hear it from them to know who the first two initiates would be.” 

“Lauren and Four aren’t supposed to tell you anything about initiation.” I decide against remarking on the way Ezekial spits out the term ‘Candor kid’ with bitterness.

“They didn’t tell me. I eves dropped. Besides, I think we’ve passed that line.” I am just glad that I know there aren’t cameras in this part of the Control Room so this conversation isn’t being recorded. “When I asked Four to keep them safe during Stage 2, I’m sure that was when we crossed the line of what an instructor is and isn’t supposed to do.” My mouth goes dry at his statement. 

“Stage 2?” 

“Yeah, the simulations.”

I know what he’s talking about, obviously. But the fact that Ezekial has made this particular request of Four confirms what I’ve long suspected of Ri and Uriah. Even without cameras it’s not safe to continue talking about this here so I have to change the subject. 

“So are you coming straight over to Hana’s or are you sleeping first?”

“I’m going to go sleep for a while but I’ll be over an hour before Mom comes home so I can help make lunch. I don’t want Ri to be mad at me again like last year.” 

“It should be pretty easy for you to do better than last year-- just don’t show up hung over and practically late. Even Four showed up before you.” 

“I know, I know. Ri got over it eventually but I don’t want to go through that again. Would you be willing to come wake me up if I’m not over at Mom’s an hour before?" 

“Sure, anything to avoid a repeat. But for now, I’m going to go find Uriah.”

Ezekial waves me off and I begin the trek to the initiate dorm. I take the long way around that is usually deserted. As I turn the corner that leads to the staircase that goes up to Hana’s apartment, I see Four and Ri approaching it slowly. He’s standing on her right side with an arm around her torso, clearly helping to support her weight as she walks. She doesn’t look happy about it but I’m sure that the pain and difficulty of movement are enough for her to accept the help anyway. I lean against the wall and stay quiet and still so they don’t notice me.

“Once we get to the apartment, you should take some of the pain killers Janet prescribed you.” Four sounds like her instructor when he says it. 

“I know, Four. You’ve reminded me at least five times now. Why do you keep bringing this up?” 

“Because you’re clearly in pain. The pain killers wore off before we left the infirmary, didn’t they?” He sounds impatient but there’s a twinge of worry to his voice. It’s sweet, really. 

They stop in front of the stairs and Four stands so he’s facing Ri, his hands on her waist. His Abnegation upbringing sure seems to be wearing off. 

Her shoulders slump a little in defeat as she casts her eyes to the floor and admits, “they did.” 

“Why didn’t you say anything? Janet would have given you another dose so you wouldn’t have to feel this way.” The worry on his face is visible even from where I stand.

“Because the pain killers she gave me at the infirmary made me too tired. I would have fallen asleep before we got out the door of my room. I didn’t want to be out of it with Mom coming home today.” 

I can understand why Four looks a bit guilty when she says this: he hadn’t thought about the possibility that Ri’s motivation is simply that she misses Hana. Ri can be so stubborn that at times it’s difficult to remember that often there are actual reasons why she’s being stubborn. Those reasons are even sometimes completely normal for a sixteen-year-old. 

I watch as Four hooks a finger under her chin and pulls it up so she’s looking at him again. “That’s not unreasonable. The prescription she gave you to take at home isn’t nearly as strong as the drugs they gave you while you were in the infirmary, though.” Four’s voice is much softer as he talks.

“I know. I promise I’ll take some when we get to Mom’s, OK?”

Four nods and for a moment they just stand, looking at each other. I’m struck by how intrusive watching them feels right now because this seems like a private moment. It doesn’t change that I can’t seem to tear my eyes away from this scene as Four reaches his hand up to tuck a stray lock of Ri’s hair behind her ear. All of this is what I’ve known has been coming for two years. 

“Come on, Four, let’s go.” 

Ri turns to the stairs and slowly places a foot on the first step. She lets out a pained hiss through clenched teeth as she pulls her weight up on to the step, using her hand on the railing to help hoist herself up. She stops once she’s steady and pants for a moment. The exertion and pain must be too much for her to continue immediately. Four is standing next to her still, a hand on her back and a look of concern on his face. 

“This is ridiculous. You’re not in a condition right now to do this. It’s going to take forever for you to get to the top at this rate, if you can at all.” Without asking, he slides his arm under her arms, then bends down so he can slide his other arm behind her knees and scoops her up to carry her. 

“I don’t need you to carry me, Four. I can walk.” Ri’s words are insistent as she holds his gaze but I notice that she makes no effort to remove herself from his grasp. 

“I know you don’t need me to. _I_ need to carry you because it will make me feel better. You’re just allowing me to do it as a favor to me, OK?” 

“OK.” Slowly, she wraps her arms around his neck without breaking eye contact with him. 

“I’ll let you walk again once we’re at the top of the stairs.”

“I’m holding you to that.” 

They disappear into the stairwell and I can hear the murmur of Four saying something to Ri and her giggling in response. A smile grows on my face and stays there—things are starting to work out the way they should. I will myself back into motion and head toward the initiate dorm once again. 

It’s been a while since I had a reason to be near this part of the compound. When I decided to leave being an instructor after last year’s initiation, I fully planned to never return to this area. Originally, I was going to be gone for the entirety of initiation but the idea of not coming back for Visiting Day to see Ri and Uri left a bad taste in my mouth. They’re my family and it wouldn’t make sense to not be there for them. Now that I know my suspicions about their Divergence are correct, I’m not sure I can leave again. I need to know that they’re safe. 

I enter the dormitory without knocking. Any Dauntless born initiates shouldn’t be surprised since they know I used to be an instructor and the other initiates are hopefully smart enough to keep their mouths shut about my entrance. My assumptions are correct since most of them look at me but none of them remark on my presence. The light is low in here so my eyes have to adjust to the dark for a moment as I scan the room. It takes a few times before I spot Uriah and make my way over to his bunk. He’s awake, talking to Marlene. It isn’t until I’m a few feet away that he notices that I’m there. 

“Amar! What are you doing here?” His grin takes up most of his face as he rises to hug me. Not a lot of Dauntless men show this type of affection to other men—not even to their family—but the Pedrads have always been the affectionate type, especially Uriah. 

“I couldn’t miss Visiting Day, idiot. I’m just here to make sure you get over to Hana’s at a decent time.” Uriah nods and grabs his jacket, saying goodbye to Marlene in the process. She waves to me slightly right before we walk out of the dorm. 

“How’s Ri?” 

“In pain but better. Four helped her back to the apartment this morning. I volunteered to come get you. Ezekial is going to go sleep for a while at his place before coming over. How are you feeling?” 

“Still stiff and in some pain—really from my fight with Ri, not so much the other fights-- but I’m much better than I was. Everyone was right when they told me I needed to go sleep for the night, though I feel bad that I couldn’t stay with Ri. Did anything happen?” 

I glance both ways before pulling Uriah over to the side of the hallway. We’re only about half a foot away from each other, which will help ensure that our voices stay low enough to avoid anyone else hearing. 

“Molly tried to get into Ri’s room. Four took care of it, apparently, and night security ended up taking her away. Uri, she had a knife on her.” I wait a second as the shock registers on his face before I continue. “Molly wasn’t just there to beat her up.” I set my hands on Uri’s shoulders to keep him focused and also in preparation of restraining him if I need to do so. 

“Was Ri hurt at all?” His voice is calm but the way his eyes have darkened tells me that he’s fuming with anger, something I’m not used to from Uriah.

“No, Uri. She’s fine. Molly never made it into the room because Four incapacitated her before that could happen.” 

“Good. Now let’s go—I want to see Ri.”

 

  

I almost trip over the two sets of shoes on the floor by the door when we walk into the apartment. Judging by the sizes, they belong to Four and Ri, but the shoes’ owners aren’t anywhere in sight. I hear quiet voices somewhere and I assume that they’re in her room but I don’t say anything in order to prolong the time that they have together. 

“Ri, are you here?” Uriah asks it loudly with an edge of anxiety in his voice. 

Her voice cuts out distinctly through the quiet. “In my old room, Uri.” 

I swear he half runs there. I stride through the hallway, taking my time as I do. I stop in the doorway and lean against the frame, taking in the scene before me: Ri propped up in a sitting position against the head of her bed with Four sitting comfortably at the foot of it, his back against the wall and her feet across his lap. Uriah is seated on the edge of the mattress, facing Ri and holding both of her hands in his. 

“I’m fine, Uri. Molly didn’t even get close to me.” 

“Are you sure?” 

“Yes, Four stopped her before she got in the door. I slept through it, actually. Four, will you tell him?” 

Uriah looks at Four full of anger and nervousness. “She’s telling you everything, Uriah. I knocked Molly out before she got into the room. Night security was able to take her away before she even woke back up. Tris was still sleeping until afterwards, when I was talking to Nurse Janet. Molly didn’t even get to _see_ Tris, much less actually touch her or hurt her.”

“I hope she ends up factionless.” Uriah spits the words out and I realize that is the most unkind sentiment I’ve ever heard him voice. 

“I suspect she will.” Four’s voice is quiet and sincere. 

“Thank you for being there, Four.” Uriah moves so he’s seated next to Ri and slides closer to her as he says the words, wrapping an arm around her shoulders protectively. 

“You don’t need to thank me. I would have done it even if Zeke hadn’t asked.” Four looks at his hands uncomfortably for a moment before looking back at Uriah and Ri. “Well, I’m going to get out and let you two have Twin Time.” Ri smiles at Four’s words, clearly happy about his offer. 

Four starts to scoot down the bed and Ri tries to remove her feet from Four’s lap. The movement clearly causes her pain and Four stops her, placing his hand on her ankle. It’s a small gesture—a touch that would barely register if it was any other couple of people in Dauntless—but it’s more casual and familiar than I’m used to either one of them being with another person.

“Don’t worry about moving. I’m just going to slide off the end of the bed. You’re so short that it’s easy to do. It’s fine. Don’t cause yourself any more pain.” Once he’s standing, he turns back to face both of them. “Do you need anything or are you good for now?” 

“I’m fine. Thank you, Four. You’d make a wonderful nurse.” Ri laughs as she says it and Four rolls his eyes and shakes his head as he ushers me out the door with him. A hint of a smile plays at his lips. 

Once we’re in the living room, Four takes a seat on the couch. He scrubs a hand over his face and for the first time I understand how tired he really must be.

“If you want to go home to sleep, I can come get you closer to lunch.” 

“It’s OK. I’m actually not that tired; I slept a surprising amount last night.” 

“I’m amazed you could sleep at all. Those hospital beds aren’t very big—especially not for two people.” Four holds my gaze unflinchingly as I speak but a blush spreads up his neck. He looks anxious, even though he’s trying to appear calm. “Don’t worry, I won’t tell Ezekial about it.” 

“Thanks.” 

“So what really happened last night?” I cross the room and sit in an armchair next to the couch.

“With Molly?” 

“With all of it. Ezekial told me that you did more than just knock Molly out. And I know that you clearly did more than just protect Lady Zeke last night.” 

Four leans back into the couch and sighs heavily. “It was a strange night. Tris was mad at me at first and then she wasn’t. Who knows. After Janet checked on Tris last night and she fell asleep, I put the chair I was going to sleep in in front of the door to block it, even though the door was locked. I must have been asleep for an hour or two when I heard the knob jiggling. Janet had told me that she would knock on the door three times if she needed to come in so I knew it wasn’t her. I could hear the person continuing to try to get into the room so I got up and moved the chair over quietly.

“When I heard the person stop trying to force the door open, I opened it a crack so I could see where they were and as soon as I saw her I punched her in the throat as hard as I could. She stumbled back and that’s when I saw the knife in her hand. I lunged forward and wrenched it from her right as she looked like she was going to stab me. She was still trying to fight me so I punched her in the face again and her head hit the floor, causing her to black out. A few moments later, Janet was there with night security to take Molly away.” 

“Wow, so she’s definitely going to end up factionless.” 

“She should but given who I suspect she was working with, who knows.”

“Eric?” I don’t need to ask the question but I do anyway. 

“I think so but no one knows for sure as of now. I don’t even know if she’s been questioned yet much less what she’s said. But I can’t imagine that Molly would be there on her own accord and Eric has a longstanding issue with Tris.”

“Are you sure she didn’t get you with the knife at all?”

“I am. I double checked before I went back into Tris’s room when she woke up because I knew she would completely melt down if I had any injuries.” 

“You’re right about that. For what it’s worth, I’m glad that neither of you got hurt at all.” Four nods in acknowledgment of what I’ve said. “So how exactly did you end up sleeping in the same bed as Ri last night?” I smile and wink at him as I ask, hoping he’ll understand that I am not upset at him about it.

I’m not sure what I expected him to do but it wasn’t to lean his head back and stare at the ceiling with a sigh. 

“I don’t even know, Amar. It just kind of happened but it wasn’t what you think. She had a panic attack, I think. I tried to calm her down and somehow that ended with me sitting on the bed, holding her. I tried to get up and go back to my chair when she started to fall asleep but she didn’t want me to leave. I don’t know—she was on painkillers. It’s not like I’m taking anything she said or did last night as anything other than the affects of her being on heavy medication. But I swear nothing beyond that happened. I wouldn’t ever take advantage of her.” His face is so sincere and contrite that I can’t help but laugh. It’s ridiculous how nervous he seems that I’ll accuse of something. 

“I’m well aware you wouldn’t take advantage of her. But I highly doubt that the painkillers had any affect on her other than making her very drowsy. Besides, she didn’t look like she was protesting at all when you were sitting on her bed just now looking all cozy, holding her feet. I think all of this is a good indication that she’s interested.” 

“What do you mean by interested?” Even though he asks me a question, he still doesn’t look at me; his eyes are still fixed on the ceiling. 

I can’t stop myself from bringing my forehead down to meet the palm of my hand. “Seriously, Four? Your Abnegation brain can’t possibly be this bad at understanding women. I like men and even _I_ understand this much.”

“I…what are you talking about?”

“Women, even Dauntless women, don’t typically just ask men to sleep in their bed with them if they don’t like the guy. Especially Lady Zeke. If I were a betting man, I would wager everything I own that she has never done that before. She’s never even thought about it. She’s barely even touched a guy she wasn’t related to. So the fact that she told you to stay and was cozying up with you earlier should suggest to you that she likes you.” 

The flush on his neck has spread to his cheeks as well now. “You really think that?”

“Four, it’s been readily apparent for two years that she likes you just like it’s been apparent that you have the same interest in her.” 

I’ve never seen Four look startled-- until now. His head snaps over so he’s looking at me. I almost feel bad for Four because not only does he know he’s not supposed to have feelings for his initiate but even if he does, he’s certainly not supposed to show it or act on them until she’s a member. Beyond that, though, he has to deal with the fact that his best friend is her older, very over protective brother. I wouldn’t want to trade places with him. 

“She’s told me for the past year that I was just her instructor. It wasn’t until recently she even told me she really wanted to be friends with me. I hadn’t even let myself dare to think it could be anything beyond that. Amar, you can’t say anything. You know how much trouble I’ll be in—how much she’ll be in.” 

“And that would just be the beginning. Ezekial is the person you’re really worried about. I know. Don’t worry, I’m not going to say anything to anyone. You both will have to do that in your own time.” The look of relief on his face is unmistakable. “You and I are friends, too, you know. But honestly, Ezekial, despite his vibrato, trusts Ri’s judgment and he trusts you. He’s really just going to be mad if he feels like he’s been lied to or if you break her heart.” 

“You know I would never do anything to hurt her.”

“I know, Four. Ezekial filled me in on what’s been going on. It seems like you’ve done everything possible to help her, even though we all know she can take care of herself and that some of what you’re doing is dangerous for you as well. The fact that you’re protecting her and Uriah during Stage 2 is enough to get you killed if any of you are caught.” Four stares at me, understanding what I must know. “You know you could end up at the bottom of the Chasm.” Four nods slowly, not dropping my gaze. 

“So you know that Tris and Uriah are Divergent?” 

“Yes.” 

“Then maybe you can help me with something.” 

“What is it?” 

“They need to figure out how to not give themselves away during the simulations and there’s only one way I can think of to do that. I’m thinking of having them go through yours and my fear landscapes. Initiates are not supposed to go through their fear landscapes before Stage 2, but that doesn’t mean they can’t go through someone else’s. This way they don’t get to see their fears before anyone else does so there’s no unfair advantage, but they can figure out how to hide their Divergence by practicing in someone else’s. What do you think?” 

“It seems like a sound idea to me. I’ll help you. Having two instructors who are Divergent guiding them will help a lot. When were you thinking of doing it?” 

“Tonight after I post rankings. The initiates don’t have anything the rest of the night but they’ll probably be bickering and talking about rankings for hours so it won’t be as noticeable if Uriah and Tris leave for a while.” 

“OK. I’ll take Uriah. I know you want to take Lady Zeke. I’ll pull Uriah immediately after rankings. I’m assuming it will take you more time to get out of there because of questions.” 

“Not a problem. I’ll make sure that everything is there for you. Can I ask you about something else, though?”

“Is it dating advice?” He doesn’t understand that I’m joking and instead looks surprised and worried. 

“What? No. I know I’m terrible at dating but that wasn’t what I was going to ask you.” 

“Relax, Four, I was kidding. If you did want dating advice I’d give it to you anyway since I do know how terrible you are. What is it?” 

“It’s actually about Tris’s parents. Her mother, specifically. Janet mentioned that Max was friends with them and it seemed like there was something there beyond it. Since your grandparents were friends with Hana and Mr. Pedrad, I thought maybe you would remember something.” 

Truth be told, I’ve always known this issue would come up eventually. I don’t know much about the topic but from the things I recollect from my childhood, I’ve wondered over the years about Max’s relationship with Natalie and Andrew Prior and the others in the group. I only know the snippets I’ve heard though, and I’m not sure how useful those will be now. 

“I don’t know much but I know that he was very close friends with them. At their funeral, Max couldn’t stand up and give the speech like the leaders are supposed to because he couldn’t keep it together. There was a period of time after Ri came to live with the Pedrads when no one really saw Max. My grandmother later told me it was because he drank so much throughout that time that they temporarily took him out of his leadership position. Hana, Janet and my grandparents still checked in on him but none of us kids were allowed to be around him.” 

“Was that when Caleb left to go live in Erudite?” 

_Wait, what?  
_

“How do you know about Caleb?”

“Tris told me. Don’t ask me anything about it because I promised I wouldn’t say anything. I shouldn’t even have said this much.” 

I can’t suppress the laughter that wells up inside me. Watching him squirm like this is just too comical to bear. “Four, you know I’ve never seen you act this nervous. If you’re not careful we’re going to have to start calling you ‘Five’ because I swear you have a new fear: anything having to do with Lady Zeke being upset or hurt.” 

“It’s not funny, Amar.” 

“It’s not supposed to be but it kind of is. Don’t worry, I won’t tell her you mentioned Caleb. If it somehow comes up, I’ll tell her I told you and then she can be mad at me about it. You have enough to worry about already.” There’s something sweet about the look of relief Four wears at that. “But yes, Caleb went to Erudite not even a week after Natalie and Andrew’s funeral.” 

“So Max’s sudden alcoholism was over Natalie and Andrew’s death and possibly Caleb leaving?”

“The timing would suggest it. People said that Max was upset because Natalie was his closest friend and like a sister to him and that Andrew had become a close friend, too. Apparently part of the reason he wasn’t allowed in public was because he would stumble around, drunk, mumbling about being responsible for Caleb being taken by his aunt in Erudite. Max had always promised Natalie and Andrew that he would protect their children no matter what.” 

“What finally broke him out of his self destruction?”

“My grandmother told me Hana yelled at him one day—told him that Natalie would have been ashamed to see him that way. The fear of disappointing her even after her death was enough motivation for him. He cleaned himself up and after a couple months he started seeing Joanne. They married a few months later.” 

“What happened to Natalie and Andrew’s things after they died? I’ve never seen anything around here that seemed like it might be theirs.” 

“Everything was put into the storage area down by the control room. When Ri is eighteen all of it will be her responsibility. Until then, it’s all there. It’s what happens whenever someone dies and leaves a dependent behind.”

“Can I ask you something else, Amar?” 

“Sure.” 

“How did they die—Natalie and Andrew?” 

“A factionless man who used to be Dauntless jumped on to their train car when they were coming back from a meeting with Erudite. He shot them both as well as Mr. Pedrad. Ezekial’s dad was part of the security detail for the leaders so he was with them. He tried to shield them.” 

“Where was Max?” 

“Home, sick. The fact that he wasn’t there to help them probably just added to his feeling of guilt. You really haven’t heard this story? I thought everyone in Dauntless knew it.” 

“I guess no one had a reason to tell me.” Suddenly he gets to his feet and runs a hand through his hair. “I should go down and observe the initiates with their families for a while. I’ll be back within an hour. If Tris needs more of her painkillers, they’re on the kitchen counter. The dosage is printed on the side of the bottle.” 

“Lady Zeke is right—you would make a good nurse.” 

“No, I wouldn’t. I really dislike being around sick people. This is just a fluke.” He shudders a bit to punctuate his sentence and I’m astounded by how human he’s being and has been all day. It’s so unlike him. Whatever is happening between him and Ri is having an effect on him that I have to say is a happy improvement. 

“Ah, so it’s just Lady Zeke that you’ll play nurse for. I get it.” I wink and smile at his embarrassment. “So have you told her you like her yet?” 

“No.”  
  
“Why not?” He’s studying his hands again like he does every time he’s nervous or shy about something. 

“It’s complicated.” 

“Well, I did test with an aptitude for Erudite, so I’m sure I can understand whatever it is, even if it is complicated.” His eyes flicker to mine before he begins to speak. 

“Last night we got into an argument because I asked her why Eric wanted to fight her so much. She pointed out that I’ve never given her a reason to trust me with information like that since I haven’t really told her anything about myself. The thing is that she’s right. She doesn’t really know anything about me other than that I came in first in my initiation class, I’m an instructor, and I refuse to fight her. If I want her to trust me then I need to trust her enough to tell her about myself.”

My brows are knit together in contemplation of his observation and trying to figure out what the effects of it are. “Wow, that’s very…mature of you, Four. Wait, this is why you’re taking her into your fear landscape, isn’t it?” 

“Yes and no. The main reason is for her to figure out how to not be discovered, but I could have her go through Zeke’s to do that. This way has the side effect of her getting to know me. 

It’s an odd but sweet gesture even though I know what’s in Four’s fear landscape. I’ve seen dozens of initiates’ landscapes but Four’s is the only one I remember strongly and in detail. Anyone who saw it had it etched in his memory; you simply can’t forget something like that. As far as a date goes, it’s definitely bizarre, though. 

“You realize this will be the most fucked up first date anyone has ever been on, right?”

“Well, we have previously established that I am terrible at dating.” 

“This may be a new level, though.” 

“You think it’s a bad idea.”

“No, I don’t think it’s a bad idea. Getting drunk at the club and trying to make out in the Pit with her would be a bad idea for a first date because that’s not the type of person Ri is. You would want her to know all of this about you at some point. Really, telling her before you move forward, especially because given the circumstances it’s pretty risky, makes the most sense. Why put both of you at risk without knowing whether that will make or break the relationship? You should just, I don’t know…just don’t be surprised if she needs some time to process what she sees. It won’t mean that it’s changed how she feels about you; it will just mean that she needs to really digest it. Ri is a very thoughtful woman and she’ll want to fully examine everything before talking to you about it. Just don’t take it personally, OK?”

“I won’t. I wouldn’t care if it took her months to want to talk to me about it or whatever.” He whispers the response, looking more vulnerable than I’ve ever seen him. 

“I think I like you like this.” 

“Like what?” 

“Human. You only act this way about Tris. If being around Tris is what it takes for you to be someone beyond Four the Instructor, count me in for helping make sure that you two at least remain friends no matter what.” 

“Alright, with that I am going to go observe the initiates. I’m supposed to let Eric know if any of them seem too attached to their families. See you in an hour.” 

“Bye, Four.” 

After Four leaves, I spend a while tidying up the apartment. There isn’t much to do, though, now that Hana is the only one living here but I want to make sure that when she comes home, she’s welcomed by a clean apartment. Hana has done everything possible over the years to take care of all of her children and be everything they need. She even helped take care of me over the years. I know all of it had to take a great toll on her, though she’ll never admit to it. 

Part of me has always suspected that her outburst at Max after Natalie and Andrew’s deaths was her being fed up with Max’s self indulgence since she lost one of her closest friends when Natalie died, too, but she also lost her husband since he died protecting Natalie and Andrew. She didn’t have time to wallow in her grief because she needed to be practical and care for Ezekial, Uriah and Tris. Max got the easier rode and he acted as if it was the hardest. Hana, having come from Amity, is very kind but I don’t think anyone could be kind enough to really forgive Max for his behavior. While Hana doesn’t openly regard Max with anger or contempt, she doesn’t go out of her way to associate with him now, either.

“Man, Ri is out like a light either from whatever they put in those painkillers or just from the exhaustion of her injuries. Where’s Four?” Uriah’s voice pulls me from my thoughts so I turn to face him. 

“He went to observe the transfers for a while as their families visit; he’ll be back in about an hour. So Ri is doing alright?” I’m still standing at the kitchen sink so I busy myself with cleaning a few dishes. 

“Yeah, other than still in a bit of pain and feeling tired, she’s fine. I’m glad that Four was there last night. I’m surprised he’s not passed out on the couch right now.” 

“He said he slept a surprising amount last night so I guess he’s fine.” 

“Four must be able to sleep anywhere if he was able to sleep in that tiny hospital bed with her.” Uriah opens the refrigerator door and peers in as he talks. 

“Ri told you about it?” I don’t know why I’m asking; I know Ri tells Uriah practically everything. 

“Yep. Four told you?” Uriah pulls out a carton of milk and closes the door before rifling through the cabinets. I tap him on the shoulder and hand him the glass I’ve just cleaned. 

“Yep. 

“Did Four tell you what Ri said last night?” He sets the glass on the counter and begins to pour some milk into it. 

“Just that she was mad at him and that she told him he hadn’t really given her a reason to confide in him.” Uriah takes a long sip from his glass as I talk. 

“No, I mean when she was falling asleep. She said something but she can’t remember what it was.” 

I shake my head quickly. “He didn’t mention anything.” I turn to look at Uriah again, knowing that disbelief and possibly some disappointment show on my face.

“So is Four going to actually tell her that he’s in love with her finally?”

“Pretty soon, I think. How about Lady Zeke—is she going to finally tell him that she’s been pushing him away all of this time because she knew she couldn’t date him yet?

“Not from what she said earlier. She still won’t admit it to me. You know how she can be.” Uriah pulls himself up so he’s sitting on the counter facing me as he talks. 

“You know, if you two are going to talk about me, you should at least let me be part of the conversation.” I quickly look over to see Tris standing at the edge of the kitchen, looking tired and a little angry.

“Lady Zeke, you should be asleep.” 

“I was but then I heard you talking and decided to join you. I can leave if you’d prefer, though. It seems like you were having an in depth conversation about what you think should be my love life.” When she crosses her arms, I don’t bother to suppress the eye roll I make in response.

Instead of letting her continue this way, I cross over to her, wrap an arm around her shoulders and guide her over to the couch where we both sit down. “How are you feeling?” 

“I’m fine, Amar. Don’t change the subject.”

“Lady Zeke, you don’t need to be upset with Uriah and I—it’s not like we’re going to interfere. Besides, you were the one getting cozy with your instructor earlier.” I waggle my eyebrows at her, which earns a full laugh from her in response. 

“Stop it, Amar. He’s my instructor.” Her playful hit to my shoulder leaves a familiar sting I recognize from years of rough housing.

“And body guard now.” The grin that I give her is involuntary and it causes her to blush.

“I didn’t ask him to do that.”

“But you didn’t stop him.”

“And you certainly didn’t push him out of your bed last night.” Uriah adds as he rounds the corner from the kitchen. 

“Fear makes people do strange things.” Tris is starting daggers at Uriah as she speaks. 

“Like deny that they’re desperately in love with their brother’s best friend? Yeah, fear does that to people, I guess.” Tris’s gaze snaps over to me and she takes in my smirk with narrowed eyes.

“That’s not what I meant.” 

“Wasn’t it? Ri, just admit it.” 

“I’m not in love with him.” 

“But you like him. Seriously, just say it. We already know anyway.” 

“Fine, I like him. Happy now?” 

“Immensely and I think you are, too, now that you’ve admitted it.” 

Ri’s eye roll is interrupted by the door opening for Four to walk into the apartment. He doesn’t register us sitting on the couch until after he’s kicked his shoes off by the door.   When he does, finally, he looks surprised at the sight 

“I figured you’d be asleep by the time I got back.” He addresses Ri as he crosses to the couch and sits on the opposite side of her from me. 

“I was for a while but then Amar and Uri talking woke me up. It’s good that I woke up though; Mom is probably going to be home soon.” 

“And you’ll need to make sure you’re awake to tell her why you don’t have any tattoos. But how are you feeling?”

“Better than I was. I’ll be fine, Four.” 

“Well, just take it easy. Fighting is over so you should be able to recover pretty quickly.” Four must finally remember that there are people in the room other than Tris because he turns to look at Uriah and I for a moment. “Stage 2 will be starting soon. This is probably the most dangerous stage for both of you so tonight after rankings are posted Amar and I are going to give you some additional training to prepare you.” 

“We’re not allowed to go through our fear landscapes Four.” Uriah points it out as if Four has never trained initiates. 

“I know. You’re not going to go through your fear landscapes.” 

“Then what are we doing?” Ri’s brows knit in confusion when she asks. 

“You’ll see.”


	18. Four

**Four**

 

_“Janet told me she’s never seen you stay with an initiate or anyone in the infirmary before. So I’ll just ask again—why are you doing this?” Her eyelids are drooping towards closed more and more every second and she lets out a yawn that I think she’s trying and failing to hide.  
_

_I briefly think about being courageous but now isn’t the time. “I don’t know, Tris. I guess because I feel like I should, out of being like a surrogate brother or friend.”  
_

_Her eyes are closed now and I begin to wonder if she’s asleep until she speaks again in a tired voice. “I wish it could be more than that.”  
_

_“Me, too.”_

I have to push the memory aside. Not only was it pretty clear she was half asleep and had no clue what she was saying at the time, but also I need to focus on posting rankings right now. I have to be ready to face the initiates. It takes a few deep breaths to focus my thoughts before I push the door to the dormitory open and walk in. I don’t have to say anything for the initiates to gather around me. 

“Initiates, the rankings from Stage 1 have been finalized.   For those of you ranked 15 or higher, congratulations; you will be continuing on to Stage 2. Anyone ranked below 15 will be given two hours to clear out their things and leave the compound. Eric will come by in two hours to ensure this has happened.” 

I turn the board around so they can see it. The gasps and murmurs are not surprising. Every year it takes a couple minutes for the dull roar and commotion to calm so I wait for it to happen with my arms crossed and my face blank. 

“What the hell? Fourth?!” Peter screams it before throwing something against the far wall. 

“If you wanted to be ranked higher, then you shouldn’t have made a habit of losing.” I know I sound bored but I really would like to scream it. I’ve never liked him anyway. 

“You!” A cold wave of fear crashes over me as Peter begins pushing his way through the group of initiates on a direct path to where Tris stands, leaning against the wall with her arms crossed as if she’s purposefully mirroring me. He stops only when he’s barely half a foot away from her. “This is your fault!” 

“How is your lack of skill my fault?” Her face wears the same blank expression despite him screaming at her. 

Without thinking, I begin moving toward them. Peter has always made me uneasy but his outburst is making me feel something entirely different. I want nothing more than to place myself between the two and shove him away from her but I can’t. Uriah, who was previously standing several feet away from Tris now stands directly next to her. Good. 

“I have plenty of skill. You shouldn’t have beat me. Losing that fight to you was a fluke. That’s why my ranking is so low. This is your fault.” 

“Peter, I’ve won _every_ fight against you in the past year. This wasn’t a fluke. Get over it.”

“I refuse to be ranked after some little girl.”

“Well, it’s too late because you already are. Maybe you can learn from all of this.” 

Peter swings his arm out to punch her but Tris quickly blocks it and steps to the side so they’re both facing each other parallel to the wall. When Peter tries to punch her again, she blocks it and promptly swings both of her arms out to slam him into the wall. The wince of pain from her due to the motion is brief but it’s there. 

“Apparently you’re slow at understanding the lesson here, Peter.” 

She releases him and walks away, heading toward the door as everyone erupts into arguments. I look over to Amar, who is standing at attention in the corner of the room. He nods to me and I know he understands that I need to go after her and keep her away from here for a while. I turn and quickly stride out of the room, knowing that the initiates are too immersed in their arguments to notice my departure. I can only hope that Tris hasn’t gone too far. 

When I’m through the doors, it’s a relief to see her simply standing against the wall with her arms crossed, staring straight ahead. I walk over to her and tug on her elbow for her to follow me. Once we’re a ways from the dormitory, I pull her into an alcove I know doesn’t have any cameras and finally give myself a moment to really look at her. 

“Are you OK?” Somehow I’ve managed to cup my hand to her face to run my thumb over a bruise on her cheek that is starting to turn from a sickly green to a dark purple. Lately my body seems to be doing little things like this without me realizing it until it’s already happening. 

“Yes. The motion just bothered my ribs a bit. Now I really understand why both Janet and you warned me against getting into any fights for a while. I’ll be fine, though; I can breathe so it’s nothing to worry about.” 

“As long as you’re sure. If you start to feel worse, though, I’m taking you to the infirmary.” 

“I know, Four. Stop worrying about me so much. That Erudite medicine they gave me is helping me heal faster so I’ll be fine soon enough.” 

I force myself to nod because the impulse to kiss her now is too strong for me to be able to open my mouth to speak at all. Instead of letting that thought fester, I let my hand drop back to her elbow, tugging at it for her to follow me once again. We take the path up toward the Pire that leads to the fear landscape room in silence. Dauntless families use Visiting Day to come together, regardless of whether they have family members in the initiate class, so this part of the compound is uncommonly deserted. There’s no one to witness us on our journey and ask what we’re doing. 

As we come into sight of the fear landscape room, Tris stops and grabs my arm to stop me as well. 

“Four, I’m not allowed to go into my fear landscape before Stage 2.” 

“Technically not until Stage 3, actually.” I take her by the hand and pull her toward it, opening the door and walking in. “We’re not going into your fear landscape, though.” 

“Then what are we doing here?” 

I pick up one of the boxes of serum I left in the corner and bring it over to her. I remove the lid so she can see the two syringes it contains. 

“We’re going into mine.” 

“I can do that?” 

“The computer is what actually controls the simulation and right now it’s programmed to go into mine. The serum is what connects us to the program.” 

“You’d let me do that? I mean, you’d let me see the four fears you won’t tell anyone about?” 

“Yes. You need to go through the simulation so you can understand what you’re dealing with so you don’t get discovered.” 

I busy myself with pulling the first syringe from the box as I speak. I look over at her once it’s positioned in my hand. She knows what I’m silently asking so she pulls her hair away from her neck and tilts her head to the side. Taking a step toward her, I extend my hand out and insert the needle and push down the plunger. Only after I’m done does she break eye contact with me to look down at the remaining syringe and pull it from the box. 

“I’ve never done this before.” 

“It’s OK. I trust you.” 

I press my finger to my neck, the edge of my fingernail right where she should insert the needle. Her hands shake as she reaches up to press it into my flesh and depress the plunger. 

I’m nervous about what she’s about to see so I decide the best thing to do to distract myself from it is to talk. 

“There aren’t cameras in here so we can talk openly. In the fear landscape, which you’ll go through for your final test, everyone is aware that they’re in a simulation. In the ones we’ll be doing in Stage 2, though, initiates won’t be able to tell that they’re in a simulation—in it they’ll think it’s real. You and Uriah, however, will be able to tell it’s a simulation so the point of bringing you through my fear landscape is for you to practice being in it and knowing it but not giving yourself away. 

“There are two ways to get the computer to move on to the next fear: face your fear or lower your heart rate. You have to be sure not to manipulate the simulation, though. Don’t change anything—just focus on facing your fear or lowering your heart rate. An example of facing a fear would be something like if you’re afraid of drowning, swimming deeper into the water. Does that make sense?” 

“Yes. So the whole point of this is for me to figure out how to not get caught?” 

“That’s part of the point.” The simulation should start any second now. Hopefully it does before my cheeks turn scarlet. “The other point of it is to answer the question you asked me last night.”

“Which question?” 

“What my real name is.” 

Suddenly we’re no longer in the fear landscape room but instead we’re on the top of a very tall building. The wind whips at us, threatening to toss us off the edge at any moment. I feel Tris’s hand on my arm, squeezing it like a vice. Instinctively, I draw her closer so we’re less vulnerable to the wind. 

“You’re scared of heights?” 

It takes a few seconds and a lot of effort to force the ‘yes’ out of my mouth. 

“So we need to face it, right?” I just nod at her question because I can’t imagine speaking right now. “So we need to jump. On three.” Tris has let go of my arm and instead takes my hand. “One. Two. Three.” 

We’re falling for what seems like forever. As soon as we hit the ground, I stand up, preparing for what I know will come next. Sure enough, a wall slams against my back and another over my head, forcing me to lean down to fit. The other walls slam into place, boxing Tris and I in together. 

“And here’s confinement.” 

“This is the first time I’ve ever been glad to be so small.” I’m glad that she’s so calm as she’s pressed close to me. “We have to face it, right? So maybe we have to make it get worse—make it smaller.” I hope this works so I let her pull me down so we’re both sitting on the ground with the walls drawing in closer as we do so. 

Even if I wanted to protest at her pulling my arms around her and situating herself so she’s sitting in my lap with her back to my chest, I wouldn’t be able to because the shrinking space weighs too heavily on my mind and my lungs. Unfortunately, it makes it impossible to truly enjoy having her this close like I would otherwise. 

“Arms around me. Try to forget that we’re here.” 

“That easy, huh?” 

“You know, Four, most guys would _like_ having a girl this close to them.” 

“Not claustrophobic people, Tris.” It comes out high and warning. I am teetering dangerously close to panic now. 

“OK, OK. Well, the simulation moves on when your heart rate slows down. So here,” she grabs my hand and pulls it over to place it over her heart, “feel my hearbeat? Feel how steady it is?” 

“It’s fast.” 

“Well, that…that has nothing to do with the box. Try to take a breath in every time I do.” I chuckle at her clumsy attempt to avoid talking about why her heart is racing. It’s probably not the time or place to focus on it but my mind can’t help but do just that. 

“OK.” I try to do as she says but it doesn’t change that my pulse and breathing are too quick. 

“Let’s try something else. Where does this fear come from? Maybe talking about it will help us somehow.” 

I squeeze my eyes shut for a moment, imagining unsuccessfully that the walls aren’t there. For some reason I can’t bear to see the walls when I open them again, so instead I press my forehead to Tris’s shoulder blade and try to focus on offering an explanation. 

“This one is from my fantastic childhood—childhood punishments in the tiny hall closet.” 

“Mom always kept the winter coats in the closet.” She offers it weakly, probably starting to comprehend how different our upbringings were. Hers was filled with shouts of laughter while the shouts in my house were of a different variety. 

The possibilities of what could be going through her mind right now make the panic worse so I shift so my face is buried in the crook where her neck and shoulder meet in an attempt to block out the shame and dread. Faintly, I think I feel her hand start to gently stroke the hand I still have glued to her waist in a soothing gesture. 

“Why don’t I talk for a while, instead. Ask me something.”

“OK. Why is your heart beating so quickly, Tris?” 

Her hand stops its motion and her body stiffens against me. “Well, I don’t know much about you, Four, and you’re my instructor and my brother’s best friend and I’m pressed up against you in a tiny box. And…you know.” 

The laughter begins to bubble deep within me and rings softly at first but grows until it fills the tiny space and finally bursts it open. Realizing that the box is gone, I reluctantly stand and pull Tris to her feet. 

“You’re a terrible liar, Tris.” 

The laughter falls away from my lips as I turn and am reminded that we’re still in my fear landscape. I know what comes next and without fail the woman appears and so does the gun. 

“What’s this one?” Tris asks it, not having put it together. 

“I have to shoot her. This one isn’t so hard, physically.” I pick up the gun and avert my eyes as I pull the trigger. The loud bang and kick back from the gun tells me it’s done. The blood pooling on the floor is the first thing I see when I look back over to her and it’s enough to fix me to my spot, staring. 

“Let’s keep moving. Come on, Four.” Tris grabs insistently at my wrist, pulling me away from the woman on the floor. 

As we walk away, apprehension starts to creep up on me. There’s only one fear left and I know what—or really, _who_ —it is. A simple, grey Abnegation house grows up around us so we’re standing in the living room. My breath catches in my throat. 

“Here we go. This is when you find out my name.”

Out of the corner of my eye I see the first simulation Marcus approach from around the corner. He holds his belt in his hand already, folding it over in his hands over and over again.

“Marcus Eaton?” Tris’s voice is unnaturally high as she says it. “Marcus had a son who left Abnegation…” she trails off and I see her looking over at me out of the corner of my eye. In an instant, she’s right next to me, slipping her hand into mine and squeezing it as she continues to look at me and I stare straight ahead. “Tobias?” 

The last time I heard my name, it was coming out of his mouth. It sounded nothing like the breathy, lightly questioning sound of Tris repeating it. That’s enough to re-focus my attention to her so I turn and meet her gaze. 

“I told you that if I was going to tell you my name, you would need to hear all of it.” 

“This is for your own good.” The words from simulation Marcus send me back to being ten years old, cowering before him. 

The fight or flight instinct is amazing—how well it’s ingrained in the human brain. We learned about it in school and I remember thinking then that my instinct with Marcus is always flight or as close to it as I can come. Right now is no exception as I immediately pull back, raising my arms to shield myself. 

The sound of leather drawing back is distinct and I brace myself for the painful kiss of it on my skin but it never comes, despite the snap of leather meeting flesh ringing out. Confusion more than curiosity is what finally pushes me to look up. That’s when I see Tris standing in front of me, the belt wound around her arm, trailing towards the floor at her side, useless. 

Simulation Marcus glowers at Tris, causing alarm bells to sound in my head immediately. I’m able to push her behind me just before he lunges forward to attack.   Instead of making contact with me, my fist connects with his jaw as a loud ‘No’ screams from my throat. 

Once again we’re standing in the black fear landscape room, the cement firm beneath our feet. It’s only Tris and I now—Marcus has vanished and left behind only the sting in my fist from the impact with his jaw. Wordlessly, I pull Tris to my chest, wrapping her tightly in my arms. I need to know she’s real right now—that what I think is happening between us isn’t a simulation that will end with me alone in this room. Her warmth radiates into my skin and deeper still, warming my core. I hug her tighter with a mixture of a residual want to protect her from Marcus and a need to keep her tucked close to me. 

“Tobias.” My name on her lips is so soft and warm and it curls around me comfortingly. When I look down, I’m greeted by her concerned face looking up to me. “We got through it. It’s OK. We got through it.”

Her hair has fallen across her face, catching my attention. Almost like a ritual, I tuck the fallen lock behind her ear, sliding my hand to the back of her neck so I can draw her back against my chest. 

“ _You_ got me through it.” I can feel her arms tighten around my waist at my words, bringing a smile to my face. “Come on, there’s somewhere else I want to show you.” 

It catches me off guard when Tris slips her hand into mine as she pulls out of my embrace. It almost is enough to ease the ache that grows in my chest from her absence, but not quite. I’ve never ached or longed for someone or something like I do for her and having her close, safe. Really, I know this feeling or compulsion or need took root two years ago but now it’s grown to be a near constant reminder of her absence every time she isn’t beside me. 

When we reach the bottom of the chasm, I carefully lead her to the spot I discovered as an initiate and often come to sit alone. She sits next to me, just close enough for me to take in her subtle scent and hear her soft breaths. My hand tingles with electricity from holding hers earlier so I fold it together with its mate in front of me in order to keep myself from focusing on it. Eventually, Tris breaks the silence like I knew she would. 

“Why did you let me see your fear landscape?” 

“I told you earlier—so you won’t be discovered in Stage 2 and because you asked me about my real name.” 

“I know, but that can’t be it. Why even indulge my question about your name at all?” 

I knew she’d ask this at some point but I thought that she’d start by asking about Marcus. The way my stomach is flip flopping with the anxiety of revealing my motives or my feelings, I almost think I’d prefer she ask about Marcus right now. As much as I hate the idea of talking about him, it might be easier than this. It’s now that I have to tell her the truth and I can’t avoid it. 

“You pointed out to me before that I hadn’t given you a reason to trust me. I haven’t told you much about myself so I can’t blame you for feeling wary of me.” I shift my gaze from the chasm to her. As difficult as it is to say this and look at her, to possibly face her rejection, it doesn’t feel right to say anything more without at least trying to meet her gaze. Her blue-grey eyes look back at me, filled with curiosity and—maybe I imagine it—hope. “I want you to trust me, Tris. The only way I know how to make sure that happens is for me to trust you enough to let you know the parts of me I don’t let anyone else see.” 

Her growing silence sets me on edge. I’m not sure if I’m supposed to keep talking about this or if I should change the subject.   I feel like I’m going to burst if she doesn’t say something soon. 

“Thank you for trusting me with this. I promise I won’t tell Ezi—I think he’d see it as a threat to his best friend status.”

Our shared laughter bounces off the stone surrounding us for a moment, filling my mind with images of doing this repeatedly with her over the coming years—sitting comfortably, talking and joking. The images bring with them a feeling I’ve been searching for for years—of belonging somewhere. 

“So should I call you Tobias or Four?” 

“I like the sound of my real name when you say it.”   A slight blush creeps on to her cheeks. It’s enough to cause a similar one to burn at the edge of mine. 

“So I’ll call you Tobias, then? Well, when there aren’t other people around, at least.” 

“I’d like that.” She pauses momentarily, clearly hesitating before speaking again. Whatever she’s about to say must make her feel conflicted. 

“You came to Dauntless to escape him, didn’t you?” She doesn’t need to say his name for me to know who she’s referring to. I just nod. “Is that why you wouldn’t take a leadership job? Because then you’d have to see him? 

“Partially. It became clear that Dauntless leadership has ideas that don’t mesh with mine. I didn’t want to be a leader if I would just be forced to agree to things I don’t believe in.” 

“It has changed here. Everyone says so. It makes me wonder if Dauntless would have been different now if my parents hadn’t died. But that’s pointless to think about.” She shrugs as if the gesture will make it OK that her parents died but the look in her eyes show that she knows it will never really be OK. 

“Regardless, I’m sure they’d be proud of you.” 

“Sure.” She shifts uncomfortably before she continues. “All of the other intiaties are probably asleep by now. I should probably get back.” 

“I’ll walk you.”

We’re rounding the corner to the hall that passes by the dorm when we hear it—the loud screams coming from the dorm. By the sound, it’s clear it’s a male initiate. My mind immediately flits to Uriah but then I remember he’s with Amar. I turn to remind Tris that Uriah isn’t in the dorm but I’m too late—she’s already sprinting to the door. By the time I get there she’s already kneeling on the floor next to Edward, who is surrounded by blood with a butter knife lodged in his eye.


	19. Tris

** Tris **

“Initiates, get up!” It’s Eric’s voice yelling as he shines a flashlight around the room. I dutifully jump out of bed, despite having just fallen asleep. “Everyone be at the train tracks in ten minutes or be factionless.” 

Once he’s out of the room, a collective groan sounds from us all. The previous night proved to involve little sleep for any of us due to Edward’s stabbing. Everyone just warily stared at each other, wondering which one of us it was. Earlier today we all pulled ourselves from bed for our field trip to the fence. Tobias told me Eric refers to it as ‘a motivational field trip’; it’s supposed to inspire us to work harder during initiation so we rank well enough to select a job that doesn’t involve working on the fence. I think it’s a waste of time and only shows that as a leader Eric lacks respect for the very people he’s supposed to inspire and protect. 

The only positive parts to the trip were briefly seeing Robert—a former friend from school who was an Abnegation boy before he transferred to Amity at the Choosing Ceremony—and Tobias sneaking me over to say a quick hello to Mom before we returned to the train. The former involved Tobias lecturing me on the ride home about how I seem to always want to get myself into trouble; this time it’s because I fraternized with someone from another faction. I frankly don’t understand why he mentioned it because I’m not supposed to see my family either and he was fine with that. 

The injuries, confusion and anxiety of the past forty-eight hours of my life were enough to send me into a solid slumber, despite my own concern of ending up like Edward. It wasn’t lost on me that Edward’s bunk was next to mine and he happened to be ranked directly after Uriah and I, who were both not in the room. Uriah or I could have very well been the original target. Now that Edward and Myra had left Dauntless, the only people standing in Peter’s way were Uriah and I—the competition he probably wanted to eliminate in the first place. 

Shaking myself from that thought, I force myself to change into clothes more suitable for running outside; I assume tonight is Capture the Flag. I ignore the wolf whistle that sounds from across the room since it’s become a daily occurrence and at this point, I’ve just stopped caring. 

“Oh, look at Tris, showing some leg. It’s like a twelve-year-old just walked in the room. So scandalous!”

“Wow, Peter, it’d be impressive if you actually found a barb that stuck.” I toss my t-shirt over my head to punctuate the fact that his words are ineffectual to me. He can’t win, ever. 

Now dressed, I march from the room, pulling Christina behind me, despite her protests. 

“One of these days I’m going to get you to tell me what is happening between you two,” she declares as we continue down the hall. 

“Between who?” 

“You and Peter. He has it out for you and it seems to be, I don’t know, personal.” 

“I sort of dated him for five seconds once.” 

“You _dated_ Peter Hayes?”

“A year ago—if it could have even been called dating. Why?”

“He’s just…not well liked, even in Candor. The way he’s been acting during initiation is how he’s acted virtually his entire life and his parents are essentially the same way. I’m surprised you would date him.” 

“Well, he acted differently back then, at least for a while.” 

“That’s a strange thought.” 

Once we’re at the top of the stairs, I push open the door to the roof and walk over to where I see Eric and Tobias standing. Beside them is a table littered with guns and boxes of paintballs. After another minute most of our initiate class joins us, causing Eric to turn to address us. 

“Each person grab a gun and a box of paintballs and get ready to jump the next train.” Each of us hastily do so, any remnants of sleepiness having faded. 

When the familiar rumble of the ground tells me that the train is near, I step closer to the track just a few feet away from Tobias, slinging my gun across my back and stuffing the box of paintballs in my pocket so my hands are free. It comes into sight so I begin jogging, vaguely aware of Uriah and Marlene just behind me. I don’t know where Christina and Will have gone but I assume they must be somewhere in the group still. By the time Tobias has swung himself inside, I’ve found my pace along the side of the car and am wondering how I’m going to pull myself in to it without making my current injuries worse. When I look up, I see Tobias reaching a hand back to help me up, which I gratefully take and try to suppress the grimace and the slight pain that accompanies the motion. 

“Are you OK?” 

“Yes, I’m fine. When are you going to stop asking me that?” I don’t know why I bother asking that question because I suspect his honest answer would be never. 

Before he can answer, Uriah and Marlene are in the car, chattering loudly and bringing me into their conversation. Tobias steps away as it happens, seemingly taking the cue to exit. Since we’re not supposed to be friends while I’m an initiate, I know he has to keep his distance from me so other initiates don’t accuse him of favoritism, but right now his distance just adds to my growing confusion over what is going on with him and I. 

With everyone in the car, Tobias steps to the middle with Eric. 

“The game is Capture the Flag. Eric and I will be the captains.” Tobias turns to face Eric. “You pick first.” Eric smirks at that as he stares back at Tobias, who is picking at his nails, seeming bored. 

“Peter.” Eric says it more like he’s beckoning him to his side than just announcing his decision. 

“Fine.” Tobias looks up and scans the room for a moment before looking back at Eric. “I want Tris.” The way he says it confuses me and causes a blush to spread over my cheeks. Eric’s eyes look cold and menacing as he takes in Tobias’s words. 

“What? Picking the small and injured ones so you have an excuse when you lose?” 

“Something like that.” Anger, deep anger prickles at my chest at his words. “Now stop wasting time and pick.” 

“Drew.” 

“Uriah.” 

“Al.” 

“Christina.” 

“Lynn.” 

“Will.” 

It continues on until all fifteen of us are divided up into two teams. Lauren, Ezi, Shauna and several other Dauntless members already have been assigned to teams as well. As Tobias and Eric debate which team will get off second, I look around and realize that Tobias’s strategy was to choose the fast initiates. It’s smart, given the game. Before I know it, I’m jumping out of the train car with the rest of my team. 

It seems like the team starts to bicker about our strategy immediately, the conversation devolving into partial statements that are immediately rejected. So far they only have decided to hide the flag in the carousel but where an actual strategy is concerned, we’re stuck. Tobias sits on the carousel, looking as tired with the conversation as I am. Just off to the side I see the ferris wheel towering stories above everything else and I’m struck with an idea. 

The sounds of my team’s bickering fade into the distance as I hurry over to the base of the ferris wheel. Pulling myself up to stand on the bottom rung of the ladder, I jump a little to test that it can hold my weight and am pleased when it proves sufficient. I hear soft foot falls approaching me and turn to see Tobias striding over toward me. 

“I’m amazed I heard you—usually you’re so quiet and stealthy that I wouldn’t.” 

“I must be losing my touch, then.” He smiles as he continues to walk toward where I am standing on the bottom rung. “What are you doing?” I turn away from him and start climbing. 

“Seeking higher ground.” His sigh sounds from behind me before I the squeaks and groans of the rungs under the pressure of his weight. “You don’t need to follow me. I’ll be fine.” 

“Undoubtedly.” Is all he says as we keep climbing, careful to hide the ragged breaths from the pain and strain of the exertion. 

His presence makes me hyper aware of everything around me—every sound, every movement—like it always does. It’s actually incredibly distracting and I have to force myself to focus on climbing and keeping my body drawn close to the ladder so I don’t topple over in the wind. 

“God, Tris, are you even human?” I stop to look over my shoulder at him at the sound of his voice. His eyes are wildly darting about and his hands are bright red and shaking ever so slightly. 

Every fiber of me would like nothing more than to be able to reach out to him, caress his hand, his face; tell him it’s OK and sooth his concern. I know I can’t but it doesn’t erase the desire, so I try to fumble for words that might help instead. As I’m thinking, the wind picks up from my right and suddenly I’m falling to the left and my eyes are fixated on the ground that I am sure I’ll be rushing toward in a moment.

The skin of my left side becomes cold and electrified from Tobias’s touch as his hand quickly grabs on to me, pushing me back securely on the ladder. His long fingers are splayed across my bare skin where my shirt had hitched while I was climbing. While the circumstances should make the entire encounter terrifying, the feel of his hand against my skin sends a wave of exhilaration through me. 

“Are you OK?” He asks as I finally steady myself. 

“Yes.” The word comes out slow, I’m not sure if it’s because I’m still evaluating whether I’m really OK or if it’s to delay the break in contact I know follows. I begin to climb again, focusing more intently on what I’m doing. 

“So what do you think is the point of this game?” 

_Oh, right, he’s my instructor. He wants to see what I’m learning.  
_

“Strategy and team work, maybe.” 

“Team work?” 

“Maybe not. It’s not really a priority in Dauntless now but it used to be.” 

“Maybe it should be. So why would learning strategy be important?” 

“You learn it so you can use it. So when you’re confronting a situation, you can act with bravery and a strategy.” 

“That would make sense.” 

I look up and see that the landing is only about ten feet away. The ground has shrunk away from us significantly at this point. 

“We’re almost there.” I’m hoping that will help distract Tobias from what I’m sure is crushing fear running through him right now.

The landing is probably a bit over a hundred feet from the ground and when we reach it, I sit with my legs dangling over the edge. Tobias huddles as far away from the edge as he can manage, his fear of heights probably overwhelming him. 

“Tobias, I’m sure Ezi would have understood if you hadn’t follow me up here, even if he doesn’t know you’re terrified of heights.” 

On a usual day, Tobias’s eyes are captivating enough for me to have to be conscious not to get lost, staring into them. The moonlight reflects off his dark eyes, making them shine brighter than usual through the darkness, which makes it even more difficult to tear mine from them. I watch his eyes as they scoot closer so we’re next to each other. The amount of effort and bravery he would need to muster to do this makes me flush with shyness. 

“What does Zeke have to do with this?” 

“I don’t think he would accuse you of not living up to your promise to protect me. I know you’re worried because you think I’m still too injured and this is dangerous but Ezi wouldn’t have blamed you if you hadn’t follow me.” 

“Tris, none of this has been for Zeke.” 

“What do you mean?” 

“I would be doing all of this—not just tonight but everything since the Choosing Ceremony—even if Zeke had never asked me to watch out for you and Uriah in Stage 2.” 

“Then why have you been doing all of this?” 

“Ahhh” he sighs out, scratching the back of his neck with his hand and dropping his gaze for a moment. When he looks back at me, he inches closer so there’s barely two inches between us. 

“Because you didn’t look at me like some poor, injured or broken animal after seeing my fear landscape. Because you’ve fascinated me since the day I first met you. Because when I’m around you I feel more alive than I’ve ever felt before in my life. Because you’re stubborn and determined and brave and selfless and so many other things that words can’t capture. Because you end up in my thoughts even when I don’t mean for you to be there.” He leans forward and our lips are close enough to brush if one of us speaks. His hand has slid up to cup my cheek as he talks. “Because I can’t stop thinking about kissing you.” 

In that moment his lips meet mine, slowly moving against them gently and sweetly. A deep feeling of warmth begins to unfurl in the pit of my stomach, its tendrils bringing warmth as they gradually reach out into my body. 

Too quickly he’s pulling away from me, an apology coming to his lips. I can’t stand him feeling sorry for setting free this feeling—this longing—in me, so without thinking, my hand reaches up and pulls him back to me until my lips come crashing back to his. I’ve wrapped both arms around his neck and when his arms wrap around my waist in turn, I scoot closer to him. It seems like I just can’t get close enough to him to ease the longing that’s growing within me. It’s something insatiable. We remain like that for several minutes until Tobias pulls away again and leans his forehead against mine. 

“I’ve been thinking about that for a long time.” His cheeks redden at the statement. His thumb is gently running over my bottom lip repeatedly. 

“Did it live up to what you were picturing?” 

“It was better.”

Giddiness fills me and I scoot the tiniest bit closer to him while his grip around my waist tightens. Now we’re pressed urgently against each other and I can’t imagine that I’ll ever again care about anything happening in the rest of the world. I am completely transfixed by him. 

“Can I ask you something?” 

“Anything.” He whispers it, punctuating it with a soft kiss to the corner of my mouth. 

“When I was in the infirmary we were talking as I was falling asleep. I asked you why you were staying with me and you said it was out of feeling like my brother or friend. What did I say back to you?” I’m holding my breath as I wait for his answer. I’ve been wondering this since that night because for some reason the memory still is too hazy to decipher. 

“You don’t remember?” Oh no, it must have been something bad. 

“No.” His warm smile eases my anxiety. 

“You said you wished it could be more than that.” 

“Oh.” My cheeks are burning now, though it seems silly since we were kissing just a moment ago. 

“You were on painkillers, Tris. I didn’t read anything into anything you said or did that night. I swear I—“ I clamp my hand over his mouth to stop his feverish talking.

“Tobias, I meant what I said. The painkillers had nothing to do with it or anything else that happened that night. I would think that what was just happening a few moments ago would confirm that for you.” 

I can feel his soft chuckle more than I can hear it since we’re pressed against each other still. 

“I guess so. So where does all of this leave us?” 

“That depends. Do you make a habit of kissing initiates?” 

“No. I don’t even make it a habit of kissing anyone, really.”

“So why did you kiss me, Tobias?” 

“Seriously? Do I need to tell you?”

“Yes.” _I want you to say it. I need to hear you say it.  
_

Tobias heaves a sigh, moving his hand so his thumb is stroking my cheek as he looks at me. 

“The reason I kissed you is the same reason as why I stayed with you in the infirmary, why I sat with you in the Chasm, why I let you see my fear landscape, why I spent two years helping you improve your fighting, why I keep trying to protect you even though you don’t need it, why I notice everything about you. It’s because I like you, OK?” The last sentence comes out in a rush: as if it would get stuck in his throat and strangle him if he didn’t force it out as quickly as possible. I don’t try to stop the smile that spreads across my face from his words. 

“OK.” I slowly place a kiss on his lips and return to resting my forehead against his. 

“Tris?” 

“Hmmm?” 

“Why did you kiss me back?” 

I smile at him before I begin to answer. “That’s simple. Because despite knowing that I’m not supposed to like you because you’re my instructor and Ezi’s best friend and two years older than me, I still do.” 

Tobias rolls his eyes at me. “Yeah, that whopping two year age gap is so hard to overcome.” 

“You know what I mean, Tobias.” For the first time, I let myself look around us. I remember suddenly that we’re supposed to be playing capture the flag and right now Tobias and I are supposed to be trying to find the flag—that’s why we climbed up here. Unfortunately, there’s a building obstructing my view. I turn back to Tobias and place a quick, chaste kiss on his lips. 

“Come on, we need to go higher.”


	20. Four

** Four **

Despite what I know I have to do today, I get out of bed feeling lighter than I have ever before. Everyone on my team was happy after Tris was able to locate the flag and devise a strategy that led to us winning, but my mind had gotten caught on the feel of her in my arms and her lips on mine. I was proud of them—proud of her—for winning but my elation was focused on the minutes spent at the ferris wheel. I had felt courageous as I moved over to sit next to her and looking back, the only regret I have is that I didn’t do it sooner. 

As I make my way down to breakfast, I try to make myself seem less happy and more like my usual Instructor Four self so I don’t raise suspicion. Tris appears in the corner of my vision but I don’t let myself look at her—I already stare at her too much as is and I can’t let anyone catch on to what is happening or else I jeopardize her safety and mine.

“Come on, Tris, I know there has to be a guy because you’re way too happy otherwise.” Christina’s words reach me as she and Tris pass by on their way to get food. I suppress the smile I want to show and instead head to sit with Zeke, Shauna and Lauren like I usually do. 

“You’re in a good mood today, Four.” Shauna says it as I set my tray down on the table. Apparently my attempts to hide it have already failed. 

“He beat Eric at Capture the Flag for the third year in a row, of course he’s happy. You just don’t understand because you were on Eric’s team.” Zeke offers the explanation before I can respond to her. I’m grateful for it because I don’t think I could come up with a convincing lie right now. 

“It seems like more than that to me.” Shauna shrugs as she says it. I don’t think she’s figured it out but I still wish she didn’t say that in front of Zeke. The one thing that could ruin my mood would be Zeke figuring it out and getting mad at me. 

“Oh, really?” Zeke turns to me with a wide grin on his face and waggles his eyebrows suggestively. I’m caught. “You saw _her_ last night, didn’t you?” 

“What are you talking about?” I stare at my breakfast, hoping that I’ll be a more convincing liar if I’m not looking at him. 

“You know what I’m talking about. You saw that girl that you like, didn’t you? That’s why you’re acting like, I don’t know, a human being.” 

“Sure, whatever you say, Zeke. You can believe what you want.” 

“Sooner or later I’m going to get you to talk about her.” 

“That won’t be today, though, Zeke. Remember that I have to talk to Max still today.” 

Zeke winces at the words and his face darkens with anger at the mention of Max.   He’s spent his free time the past two days since Molly tried to attack Tris helping me locate the things I would need to have this conversation. He’d even helped me jimmy open the door to the storage room where her parents’ things were kept. 

“When are you planning to do it?” 

“Right after I put the initiates through their first set of fear simulations.” 

As I say it, I can feel my mood dampening—I’m going to have to watch all of the initiates’ greatest fears, including Tris’s. I hate this part of initiation but this year that feeling will be intensified by the fact that I have to watch her face those and not be able to protect her. What’s worse is that I’ll be the one inflicting that pain on her. That thought leaves me guilt-ridden. 

“Hey, Four.” Lauren’s snapping her fingers in front of my face until I finally look up at her. “Not looking forward to first fears today?” 

“I never look forward to this part of initiation. Even with Eric’s sadistic rules for Stage 1 this is much worse.” 

“I can help, you know. I’ll do half of the initiates, if you want.” 

The offer is tempting because it will make it less excruciating for me. I worry, however, about my ability to protect Tris or Uriah if Lauren is the one administering the test to them. I trust Lauren but I don’t know her experience with Divergents or her willingness to hide them. 

“You don’t have to.” 

“I want to. I’ll take Peter, Drew, Al, Lynn, Jake and Mason. You can take the rest.” Lauren winks at me and I’m not sure if it’s because she assumes I’d want to take Tris or because she assumes I’d want to take both Pedrads for Zeke’s sake. 

“OK. We can set up the second simulation room so we can run them simultaneously. That way we’ll be able to get done in half the time and they can have the rest of the day off.” _And I’ll have time to find Max.  
_

With that, we leave the dining hall. I tell Zeke I’ll let him know later how things go with Max before walking away. It doesn’t take long to set up the second simulation room and once we’re done, Lauren and I divide the initiates as we had determined earlier. With only half of them, it’s a much easier job and it feels like I get to Tris, who’s the last initiate to go through the simulation, in minutes instead of the hours that it really was. 

I suppress my want to touch her with any familiarity since I’m painfully aware that not only is there a camera in this room but also that Zeke is working in the Control Room right now. I’ve already decided that Zeke will only find out when Tris wants him to so I can’t do anything that might jeopardize that. I feel guilty injecting her and then more so as I watch her struggle with her first fear—crows. It’s not easy to force myself not to react to her struggle and fear but I do it anyway. Mercifully, she’s out of the simulation in three minutes; faster than anyone I’ve ever seen. 

She looks at me blankly as I detach her from the computer so she can leave. Her exit is silent, leaving me alone with an ache in the pit of my stomach that stings of guilt and longing. I wish I didn’t have to distance myself from her like this but we both know it’s necessary in public—or in places where Zeke would see—at least until she’s a member and she’s talked to him. 

There’s nothing I can do about that, though, so instead I focus on the conversation I’m about to have with Max this afternoon. Slowly I put on my jacket and pick up the folder of papers I’ll need for it and head out in the direction of the Chasm. 

 

 

I used to wonder why Max would stand regularly at the Chasm and stare into it. At first I thought it was because he really embraced what we said at the beginning of initiation—that it symbolized the fine line between bravery and stupidity—and wanted to contemplate the line between the two. Now that I know better I wonder if it’s because the roar of the Chasm is the only thing that drowns out the chatter of his guilty mind.

“Are you flirting with death these days, Max?” Instructor Four is the voice asking the question right now. 

“I don’t flirt with anything. I’m Dauntless.” Max doesn’t turn when he speaks but I continue anyway. 

“Ah, yes. Dauntless don’t fear death because we’re brave.”  
  
“Something like that. Was there a reason that you came to see me, Four, or are you just wanting to bother me?” 

“There’s a reason. I wanted to ask you about something.” Finally he turns to look at me once I’ve said those words. 

“Hurry up and do it, then.”

I step up so I’m standing a couple feet in front of him, squared off. I cross my arms, the folder still tight in my hand. 

“You were in love with her, weren’t you?” 

“What and who are you talking about?"

“Natalie Prior—Tris’s mother. You were in love with her.” Max scoffs. 

“You don’t know what you’re talking about.” 

“When someone told me that you were friends with her since childhood I became curious so I did some digging. You were childhood friends. You were also her instructor. You also wrote her letters. Some of which still exist.” I thrust the copied letter I’ve been keeping into his hands. 

His eyes dart across the page, clearly recognizing his handwriting and taking in the words on the page and their implications. He knows he can’t disagree with what I’ve just said because he put it in his own pen years ago to her. 

“A schoolyard crush is hardly newsworthy, Four.” 

I shrug blithely. “It is for you right now, especially since I now know about it. I did the math compared to public records—that particular _love_ letter is from _after_ Natalie and Andrew married. I’d hardly call that a schoolyard crush, would you?’

“Where are you going with this, Four?” 

“Just to a question. Can you tell me this: what do you think Natalie would say if she heard that you knew Eric was trying to kill Tris and you did nothing about it? Do you think she’d say you were honoring your promise to protect her daughter? Do you think that’s what she imagined when you made that promise—that you would leave Tris at the mercy of a cruel monster?” 

The words have their desired effect because Max is boiling with rage at me. “How dare you, you little shit. I don’t care if you’re some Dauntless prodigy; you have no right to come here and talk to me about things you know nothing about.” He’s in my face now, clearly trying to keep himself from taking a swing at me. I know he wants to but we both know that I have the advantage of youth and a more rigorous training regiment on my side. 

I toss the stills that Zeke made for me in Max’s face. 

“I know plenty, Max. You called the infirmary the night Tris was there. You knew something was going to happen yet you didn’t stop Eric. You talked to him just before he was seen on one of the security cameras, talking to Molly near the chasm.” Max looks from the stills to me, a glint of surprise on his face. “Yes, Molly, who tried to then attack Tris in the middle of the night with a knife while she was on painkillers and laying in the infirmary. He talked to her maybe fifteen minutes before she tried to attack Tris. The only reason she was stopped was because someone had the sense to lock Tris’s room door and then punch Molly in the throat when she tried to break in. Doesn’t it seem like an awfully big coincidence that Eric happened to talk to her right before that?” 

“Molly hasn’t said anything about anyone working with her.” 

“Of course not, but that doesn’t mean anything. Why would she confess out of hand that she was working with Eric when he’s a leader and could make her factionless?” I take the risk of stepping a bit closer to Max so he has to tip his chin just slightly to maintain full eye contact since we’re so close. “Or even worse: make her fight him like he did Tris? Most initiates wouldn’t be able to come out of the fight alive, even. It’s not like you offered her amnesty, Max. You could stop Eric by taking him out of leadership right now with all of this but you’re too much of a coward to do it.” 

“Even if I take Eric out of leadership, that won’t keep Tris safe. All of this isn’t enough to make him factionless and he can still attack her.” 

“But taking him out of leadership will decrease his ability to force other members and initiates to help him.   You and I both know that so stop blaming everyone and everything else for your bad decisions.” 

“What makes you think you can come here and talk this way to me?” 

I stare at him a moment before I turn and walk away. After a few paces I fling the rest of the letters I had copied at him, shouting over my shoulder, “because Natalie hated bullies. You and I both know she’d hate what you’ve become.”


	21. Max

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Hey everyone. Please excuse the crummy formatting of this chapter. My house was broken into and my laptop was stolen that had my original chapter on it, so I'm using different software and a different computer. I'll fix it as soon as I can but I wanted to get the chapter up as soon as I could.

**Max**

Four may be an arrogant child sometimes but that doesn’t mean he’s wrong.

Every memory of Natalie is seared into my mind-- how her hair would whip back and tangle in the wind as she ran, the sound of her laugh that would make a room explode with life, the determined glint in her eye when she’d fight.  I’m a happily married man but every now and then I allow myself to soak in the memories of her.  It’s like a tonic on the still-not-healed wounds that I’ve collected since her death.

Some days I’m not very proud of the things I’ve done.  There was once a time when things were happier, clearer, easier to decipher and that time was when she was still alive.  It seems as if since she died the light and good went out of the walls of this compound.  After her death the world got greyer, darker.  People’s motivations became more sinister.  Or maybe it’s just that I did.  That’s become unclear, even.

Natalie was nine years old when I first met her.  I was twelve.  As I was walking down the hall from dinner one day I passed her fight with Riley Ellison, a nine-year-old Dauntless boy.  As would become second nature to me, I tried to interfere.  Of course, Natalie would never allow it.  She didn’t want or need my protection back then and even then I still bullheadedly would try to insist on it anyway and be rejected.

_"I can win this fight myself. I don't need your help."_

Those words would angrily be spat at me over and over again but at that time I didn’t realize it.  I just saw what looked like a scrawny girl fighting an impossible battle.  Looking back now, I recognize my foolishness; the only impossible battle she would ever fight would be one with a factionless man that would take her life along with two other people’s.  After she prevailed against Riley, she informed me I could walk with her to the Pit where she was meeting her friends.  As would become my habit-- everyone’s habit, really-- I followed her without a second thought.

Continuing to stare at the Chasm isn’t an option now, especially with these letters strewn across the floor so I head to my office once I’ve collected them.  I retrieve a bound stack of letters from Natalie that I keep buried in the bottom drawer of my desk.  It’s better that I keep them here, where Joanne won’t stumble upon them.  The last time I unearthed them was on the anniversary of her death.  It’s the one day each year I allow myself to fully wallow in her absence; in the lost future that we’ll never have.  Glaring at me from the top of the stack is the last letter I would want to read right now but because I apparently have some masochistic tendencies, I free it from the bundle and indulge anyway.

_Max,_

_We promised when we were children to always be honest with each other and to always be friends.  Somehow in our youthful wisdom we knew the two were inseparable.  That honestly is what has made our friends strong as well as our faction.  It’s the fact that we don’t keep things from each other that has made our leadership successful._

_Thank you for your honestly to me before and I’m pained to have to do something that will hurt you; hurting you has always been like hurting myself.  I have no choice, however, because I need to be honest with you.  Max, I’m marrying Andrew in two months.  We balance each other in a way I never knew was possible.  I love him, Max.  Nothing you can say will change my decision._

_Please don’t think I don’t love you.  I’ve probably loved you since the day you found me fighting Riley.  You’ve been the brother I should have had.  I know that’s now how you want me to love you but that doesn’t mean that it’s any less important to me or that you’re any less dear.  I hope eventually you can be happy for Andrew and I, just as I hope that you’ll find someone who you will be able to make a life with in that way._

_I’ve only ever wanted every happiness for you and that will never change._

_I love you.  You’re my family.  Please don’t let this destroy a friendship that was meant to last our entire lives, Max._

_-Natalie_

 

It would seem odd to anyone else that Natalie and I wrote letters to each other, since we were practically always together.  But there was always a barrier to us truly being able to say everything out loud-- whether due to age, my being a member when she wasn’t, being her instructor, or Andrew being present.  I don’t have any illusions that she didn’t tell Andrew everything I said or wrote to her but the act of putting it down into words meant only for her to read made it feel more private, so I could be more bold.  So we wrote letters over the years to each other.  Most of mine were of undying devotion and love, the latter of which she didn’t return the way I desired.

Looking back, I wonder why I let myself be hindered by flimsy faction rules like members not dating non members or even the informal rule that two non members weren’t supposed to show any romantic affection or attachment to each other.  Maybe if I hadn’t been so careful to follow these rules, looking forward hopefully to the time when we’d both be members and I could finally be with her, then I wouldn’t have had to watch her meet Andrew just before her fifteenth birthday and start a secret relationship.  I wouldn’t have had to watch her fall in love with him.  When the Choosing Ceremony came, I thought that would be the end of their young romance but then I saw a cloud of blue fall into the net.

I was nothing but rage for days after Natalie’s letter about their engagement.  While I couldn’t say I was surprised she was marrying him, it didn’t mean I felt any less hurt about it.  So I watched them get married and made the speech a good pseudo-brother would make at their wedding.  I cooed over both Caleb and Tris when they were born and when Natalie asked me to protect them both, I promised I always would.  I never thought that I would need to uphold that promise without her being alive.

I already know that Four’s pictures are enough to implicate Eric.  Additionally there isn’t a doubt in my mind that if I looked at Zeke’s statement taken by night security, he would attest to seeing them on camera before Molly went to attack Tris.  I can’t make him factionless because no one actually got hurt and it’s not a treasonous act against the faction.  But that doesn’t mean that I can’t talk to our third leader-- Harrison- about voting to remove Eric from his position.  I hate to admit Four’s words stung me the same way Hana’s did after Natalie died, but the idea of Natalie being ashamed or disappointed in me cuts to my core even now.

Admitting to Harrison that Eric shouldn’t be a leader will not be an easy task.  He hated Eric from the moment he landed in the net two years ago.  The only way I could persuade Harrison that Eric had to be a leader was to point out that once Four dropped out, there was no suitable alternative.  Harrison never knew that Jeanine had more or less appointed Eric for us and there wasn’t much choice.  Those sorts of things don’t sit well with a man like him, so I let him believe that Eric was entirely my choice.  

Now, as I stroll into his office as if it’s my own, I recognize I’m going to have to eat crow over that decision.  But if I’m going to have this conversation, I’m going to maintain my dignity.

“Harrison,” the folder smacks against his desk when I drop it, “we need to talk about Eric.”

He doesn’t look away from the screen before him.  “When haven’t we needed to talk about Eric?  He’s always been a ticking time bomb.”

“That’s not true.  Neither you nor I could have predicted he’d do this.”  I motion to the folder, inviting him to look at its contents but he doesn’t.

“The attack on Tris.”  He throws a quick raised brow at me.  “How did we not know?”

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

“He’s always had issues with her.  Everyone knows.”

“Harrison, issues are very different than legitimately trying to kill her.”

“Barely.”

“Listen, I’m not terribly fond of Eric either.  I never have been, but I thought he had real potential at one point.  That potential was not for this.”  I motion again to the untouched file to make my point.  

“I knew he had this potential.  You ignored--”

“Enough!  There wasn’t an alternative, or don’t you remember Four leaving the leader-in-training program?  Who else was there?  No one.  You can say you knew better but this is reality.  We both got here at the same time to the same place no matter the path.  Now, as leaders, it’s our job to fix it.”

“So remove him.”

“OK.”

“Well, Max, since this is your idea and you’re the one who has mentored Eric, you should tell him.”

“Nonsense.  You’ve always hated him; you’ll get the most satisfaction out of telling him.”

“Fine.  But you know we need a new leader immediately.”

“Four, obviously.”

“He won’t do it permanently.”

“We’ll figure it out.”

“No.  He’ll agree to do it temporarily while he trains Tris.  She’ll rank first anyway and she’ll be a leader-in-training.  After the appropriate training, which I know she’ll complete satisfactorily, she’ll be a leader.  She will take the permanent position that Four won’t.”

“So you want Tris as a leader?”

“Who doesn’t?  That’s separate from the fact that Eric shouldn’t be a leader and we all know it, Max.”

“I’ll talk to Four.”

I’ve never liked nor hated Harrison.  He’s a simple man who sees things in simple terms, which I can respect.  When I was his age I saw them the same way, I’m sure.  I still do to an extent.  The difference now is that I understand how complicated things are.  That doesn’t change the fact that I’m walking to the training room right now-- the place that I know I’ll find Four.

It’s not at all a surprise when I walk in to find him at a punching bag, training.  I don’t need to actually keep an eye on him to know he comes down here whenever something he doesn’t like is happening.  Practically everyone knows Four regularly comes here or the fear landscape room.  It is known that it is best to give him his space when he does, too.  I’m not the only person who is slightly masochistic, apparently.

“It would appear that I’m granting wishes today.”  I say it to his back as I slide a chair around so I can sit on it, leaning my elbows against its back.

Four turns to face me, crossing his arms as he does.

“What does that mean?”

“Eric.  Harrison and I talked; Eric is being removed from his position immediately.”

“Good.”  Four’s face shows no change that indicates a reaction.  His stoicism at times rivals mine.

“But there’s one additional detail to this.  Since he’s no longer a leader, we need someone to take his place immediately.”

“You know I don’t want to be in leadership.”

“Let me finish.”  An edge of irritation has crept into my voice somehow.  He doesn’t understand what it means that we’ve removed Eric-- that I’ve removed Eric-- at his request.  “It’s not permanent.  We need an interim leader who can fill in until the leader-in-training from this year’s initiate class trains into the position and can take over.”

“And who would be the leader-in-training?”

“You and I both know it’s Tris.  She’s easily going to be first in her class.  She was by far the best fighter and as long as her simulation times are respectable, she’ll be able to remain at the top of her class.”

“So am I to take it that you’d want me to be this interim leader?”

“Yes.  You’re the only candidate.”

“And why would I do it?”

“Because you know I’m right about this.  You don’t want another Eric in the position, especially if the person is going to help train Tris.  You’ve essentially been her instructor for two years now.  What’s one more?”

“When do you need an answer?”

“Now.”

“Fine, but like you said-- this isn’t permanent.  I’ll help train Tris and then I’m done.”

“Good.  Now you can help ensure she actually takes the leader-in-training job.  I never thought before that I’d need to make sure we convinced someone to do it but as of late our top initiates have been more reluctant to step into the role.”

“Neither of us will be able to force her, Max.  She’ll have to make the decision herself.”

I snort at his obvious statement.  “She’s Natalie Prior’s daughter, of course we can’t force her.  Her mother was exactly the same-- stubborn to a fault.”  My mind catches on that thought of Natalie-- her tenacity and fire that often manifested as a maddening stubbornness.  Instead of letting myself get lost in the memory with Four watching me, I stand, replace the chair in its original location, and leave.

I could go talk to Eric but Harrison will deliver the news on his own.  Instead, my feet take me back to the Chasm to think about what just happened.


	22. Tris

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks, everyone, for all of the kind messages and for your patience. This chapter should be much better in terms of formatting and simple errors than the original posting of the last chapter. The last chapter has been fixed, though, as well.

** Tris **

I’m going mad.  I have to be.  I never anticipated that initiation would be like this—I knew about the fear simulations but I didn’t think they’d bleed over into the rest of my conscious and unconscious life.  I couldn’t have imagined that every time I went to sleep I’d be faced with having to shoot Mom, Ezi, Uri, Amar and Caleb in my dreams or burning to death or any of my other fears.  The dreams are even more vivid than the simulations are so even when I wake, I feel as though I’m still there.  It always takes a while for me to realize I’m not.

Two days ago Tobias reached out and grabbed my arm in the hallway.  I nearly attacked him, thinking he was Eric from my simulation, trying to tie me to a stake and burn me alive.  When I realized it was Tobias and explained my reaction, he just looked at me sympathetically, telling me that eventually that fades away.  Right now I’m still having a hard time believing that. 

Another day, another fear.  I practically have to drag myself into the simulation room when Tobias calls my name.  I’d feel ashamed about it, except everyone has seemed to have the same reaction.  Even the simulation chair fills me with dread and I have to force myself to sit down. 

“Only one more day of this after today, Tris.  Just hang in there.” 

Four’s instructor voice is even as he says it.  To anyone in the Control Room he’d just sound like a trainer giving a bland pep talk to an initiate.  Only I can see the look in his eyes is soft, encouraging.  I wonder if he feels the same impulse I do.  I would like nothing more than to pull him to me and bury my face in his chest.  I wonder if his inclination is to let me, even though my own impulse is cowardly and I should be ashamed of it. 

“Easier said than done.”  It’s all I can manage to say that’s appropriate in a room where there’s a camera that Ezi’s watching.

The serum burns in my neck when Four injects me, as it always does. I close my eyes and embrace the darkness, wishing I could just stay in it instead of dealing with whatever I have to face today.  Of course there’s no such luck for me.  

I look around to see my old room in Mom’s apartment.  I stand at the side of my bed with Peter in front of me just a few feet away.  So far, this doesn’t make any sense.  Peter begins walking toward me and I brace myself, expecting him to throw a punch at me.  Instead, when he reaches me, he kisses me, wrapping his arms around my waist.  While it’s reminiscent of a night almost a year ago when we were in this same room, I am confused where this is going. 

His kiss becomes more aggressive, his grip tighter, as he pushes me back until the bed knocks into the back of my knees, causing me to fall on it. 

_Oh._

_That’s_ what this is about.  My cheeks begin to burn because the fact that one of my fears is intimacy _is_ really quite embarrassing.  I sit up and nervously look down at my hands.  When I look back up I gasp in shock when I see that now Tobias stands where Peter was. 

_Oh no._

My mind is reeling as this change registers and I remember that Tobias is watching this.  I have no idea how I’m going to explain to him why Peter appeared or him, for that matter.  My panic causes the thump of my heart to pick up.  This is the opposite of helpful.  I need to get out of this quickly, which means I need to confront this fear somehow.  Except I don’t really know how to confront it—do I let it progress or do I try to fight him?  I’m not sure which one is the right course. 

He bends over so he’s face to face with me, his arms on either side of me, learning into the mattress.  It makes me feel trapped.  He leans forward further, kissing me forcefully and pushing me to the bed.

“I’m sorry but I can’t do this.”  It’s a simulation but I can’t push aside this fear. 

Simulation Tobias doesn’t seem to register my comment and instead leans toward me again.  I put my hand up against his chest to stop him, which he tries to push away.

“I’m not sleeping with you.”

The light in the simulation room feels brighter than usual on my eyes when I open them.  Four sits on his stool, staring at his computer screen, scowling. 

“You can leave.”  He doesn’t look at me when he says it.  His voice is devoid of any emotion just like it usually is when he’s being an instructor.  Only his face gives anything away with its obvious anger.

I want to say something.  I want to tell him that the fear isn’t really about him.  I want him to know that this doesn’t mean anything different about what I feel for him.  I can’t say any of this, however, without Ezi seeing and hearing it in the Control Room.  So wordlessly I rise from the chair and leave.

I wait for an hour in an alcove off the hallway that leads toTobias’s apartment. I was hoping to see him so we could talk but he never passes by, which seems odd.  When I see him that night at dinner, he doesn’t make eye contact with me or even look in my direction.  Afterwards, I wait by the training room, knowing he usually shows up here at some point.  When he passes me in the hall, I fall in step next to him.

“Hey, I wanted to talk to you about this morning.”  I keep my voice quiet, hoping it won’t be picked up by the cameras.

“There’s nothing to talk about, initiate.”  His voice is just as loud and authoritative as it would be if he was teaching me to fire a gun.

“I want to explain.  Can you and I go talk somewhere?”  We’re coming upon a group of initiates, including Peter and Drew, so I’m extra careful to keep my voice low.  Hopefully he answers quickly before they’re in earshot.

Four stops walking and turns to look at me, his usual instructor mask obscuring any visible emotion.  He clears his throat and I know whatever he says next will be terrible.

“If you’re having issues with your fear simulations, talk to your instructor.  Since you’re Dauntless born, that’s Lauren.  I don’t have time to deal with little girls’ fears.”  He announces it loudly, causing Peter and the others to chuckle.

“You’re an asshole, Four.”  It comes out as a growl and I make no attempt to hide my anger as I stomp away.

I’m not conscious of where I’m walking until I realize I’m by the train tracks.  There should be one coming by in a couple minutes so I decide to wait for it and jump on.  I can’t stand the idea of being in the compound where _he_ is right now.  A train ride will help clear my head.

Launching myself into the train car causes considerably less pain than it did a few days ago when we rode it to play capture the flag.  Once I’m safely in, I huddle against the back wall, turning over what just happened in my mind. Clearly any feelings I thought Tobias had for me or that he claimed he had weren’t real.  And why would they be, anyway?  It’s not as if I’m gorgeous and on top of it, I’m his best friend’s kid sister.  If anything, it’s probably just that he made a mistake and realized it.  There’s nothing more to it.  By the time I get to the compound I’ll need to be ready to act like the moment at the Ferris wheel never happened.  It hurts to know that’s what I have to do but I’ll just have to accept it.

For now, I’ll let myself get lost in thought as the train winds its way through the city.  There are other things that I need to think about, like what job to choose and how to get through my fear landscape.  The pain of letting go of Tobias can wait.


	23. Four

** Four **

_She’s gone._   I’m such an idiot.  Zeke will kill me if he finds out.

When Tris walked away from me after our exchange this evening, I thought she’d go find Uriah and Christina to complain about how I was being a jerk.  I had planned to find her later and explain.  When I stopped by the initiate dorm an hour later, though, Uriah asked me where Tris was and Christina was there.  None of her friends were missing—just Tris.  I made up an excuse that she was with Amar, who I then had to find to enlist his help in finding her and concealing her absence until she is.

It becomes quickly apparent that she’s nowhere in the compound, which means that she must have hopped a train, so I head there to wait.  Harrison and Max can’t know about this because, while I know they want Tris to be a leader-in-training, even they couldn’t overlook this indiscretion.  I’m the only leader who can and it’s only because I know this is really my fault.

Harrison mentioned to me yesterday that I needed to be careful about how people perceive my treatment of Tris.  I was surprised because I thought I had been.  Apparently, Harrison had read the night security report on Molly’s attack, so he knew I was who had incapacitated her.  No one outside of the people with access to that report, Janet and the closest of Tris’s and my family and friends, know about that.  At least as far as I know.  That doesn’t mean, however, that Molly couldn’t or wouldn’t have told Drew or Peter somehow or that Eric wouldn’t have been able to read the report before he was removed from leadership.  Harrison’s point was clear—make sure that no one can claim that Tris’s rank came through favoritism.  If she’s going to be a leader, she needs to have the credibility of ranking first on her own merit.

I can’t say that part of my reaction to Tris today wasn’t because I was hurt to see that I was a part of one of her fears, because it was.  It stung like nothing else has when I saw myself standing in Peter’s place.  The idea that Tris would see me as someone who’d hurt her, like Peter or Eric or Marcus, was a blow I couldn’t take, so I avoided her.  When she tried to talk to me this evening, I knew I needed to make it seem to the initiates that I didn’t have any leanings toward her.  Telling her I didn’t care about her fears and making it seem like she was an inconvenience killed me but I knew I had to do it.  Peter and Drew’s cruelty and torture of her would never cease if they thought I had feelings for her.

Two trains have passed by since I’ve been standing here on the roof and neither resulted in me seeing Tris jump from a train car.  My nails are becoming bloody with the evidence of my anxiety.  She could be anywhere in the city right now, and in any state of injury.  For all I know, she could be in Erudite, trying to find Caleb and instead becoming Jeanine’s test subject.  I’ve heard through Max and Harrison about Jeanine’s experiments on Divergents.  I’m sure if she had any clue of Tris’s Divergence, Jeanine wouldn’t hesitate to crown Tris her newest one.

Waiting is agony.  Not only do I not know where Tris is or if she’s OK, but if she isn’t back before the beginning of training tomorrow morning, it will be impossible to conceal her departure from Harrison and Max.  At that point, nothing will keep her from becoming factionless.

There are twelve minutes until the next train arrives.  That’s precisely enough time for me to thoroughly torture myself.  If she’s dead, it’s my fault.  If she’s hurt, it’s my fault.  My mind flits through all of the possible scenarios it can muster of terrible fates Tris could be meeting right now.  Just as the detailed agony of one fully seeps into me, my mind moves on to a new one as horrific as or more so than the last.  After several minutes, I finally sit on the gravel-topped roof and pull my knees to my chest as if they could block the images somehow.  They won’t but it barely matters.  Nothing will be OK until I can see her in front of me.  Until I can touch her, hold her, figure out a way for her to understand I won’t hurt her and that she doesn’t need to be scared of me, everything will be in this constantly state of brokenness.

It’s the quick gasping of her breath that rouses me; not the train horn or lights.  I look up and see her dusting off her pants.  Before she spots me, I stand and walk toward her.  I’m acutely aware of the cameras so I force myself to be her Leader and her Instructor right now.  I hope she understands that it’s not what I wish I was doing.

“Care to explain where you were?”

“I needed to clear my head.”

“What?  Are you not happy with your choice of being Dauntless?  Do you wish you had chosen differently?”

“I never said that.”

“Then what?  Because I’m trying to figure out why you betrayed your faction by leaving.”

“I didn’t betray anyone, _Four._ ”  Her anger is bubbling over, threatening to consume us both if I’m not careful.

“So you just left because you’re a silly girl?  Get inside.”  I take her by the elbow and lead her to the stairwell I’ve left open for us.  Once we’re in the doorway where I know it’s dark enough that the cameras won’t pick up on us, I lean toward her and whisper in her ear, “Meet me in my apartment.”  I slip a piece of paper in her hand to explain and walk away without looking back at her.  If I did look, I know I’d just find her questions written across her face and I’d want to answer all of them.  I can’t do that here.

It couldn’t be more than ten minutes later that I hear a knock on my door.  I open it to see her glaring at me.  As I pull her into my apartment and close the door behind her, I realize that my note of ‘Not here—too many cameras,’ wasn’t as helpful in dissipating her anger as I’d hoped it’d be.  Amar is right: I’m terrible at understanding women.

“Tris, I—“

“Don’t.”

“Can I please explain?”

“You made it clear there’s nothing for us to talk about.”

Her response is maddening enough that I want to scream but I don’t.  She’s not just acting stubborn right now—she’s acting hurt and I know any anger or frustration from me won’t help.

“I didn’t mean any of what I said before you left, Tris.”

“Then why did you say it?”  She’s trying to keep her voice controlled—mechanical, even—but it’s not working.

“Tris, if I had responded any other way—shown at all that I care for you—Peter and Drew would have done nothing but mercilessly hound you, claiming any rank you received was due to my favoritism of you.  You’re beating Peter and everyone else because you’re the best fighter and the bravest person in this compound but Peter will never let that be what is remembered if he thinks I have feelings for you.  I had to do something to make him think otherwise.”

“I don’t understand where this is coming from, Tobias.  No one knows anything.”  I don’t try to suppress the incredulous look on my face.

“Harrison came to talk to me yesterday.  He’d read the night security report and saw that I had been the one to knock out Molly.  Anyone who read that report would know I spent the night guarding you, which isn’t something an instructor usually does.  He told me I need to be careful not to give anyone the impression that I care for you.  So when I saw Peter and Drew I knew I had to distance myself from you in front of them.”

“Did you really need to do that by humiliating me?”

“I didn’t mean for that to happen, Tris.  I’m not any good at this.”  I take a chance and move toward her, placing my hands on her arms.  “I guess part of me was still upset about what I saw in your fear simulation this morning.”  I keep my voice soft, hoping she’ll understand that this is painful for me, too.

“Which I wanted to explain to you but you wouldn’t let me.”  She crosses her arms and I have a feeling that this won’t get fixed easily.  “You didn’t need to humiliate me just to make sure no one thinks you like me.”

“You didn’t need to run away because I hurt you, either.”

“And you didn’t have to ignore me just because you saw yourself in one of my fears.”

“I know.”  I whisper the words, unable to make them come out stronger.  “I just didn’t know how to talk to you about it.  I wasn’t sure I wanted to hear an explanation for it.”

“But I want to give you one.  I want you to understand.”

“What?  That you think I’m like him?”

“Who?”

“Peter.  Eric.  Any of those guys who hurt you.”

“I don’t think you’re like them.”  She doesn’t meet my eyes as she says it; instead, she shifts uncomfortably.  “Peter was not who I thought he was.  That’s why he was in my fear.  But I don’t think you’re like that.”

It’s a risky move but I wrap my arms around her waist, pulling her toward me.  I know it’s selfish, but I need to feel her close to me in order to continue this conversation. 

“Then why are you scared of me, Tris?”  I search her face, trying to find some indication of what she’s thinking but I can’t.

“I’m not scared of you, Tobias.”  I almost don’t hear the words because she says them so softly.

“Then why was I in your fear?”

“Because I’m not sure what’s in this for you.”  She motions between us as she says it and I understand that she means our relationship.

“What are you talking about, Tris?”  The idea that she doesn’t understand why I like her is ridiculous to me.

“I’m two years younger than you, I’m not particularly pretty and I’m your best friend’s kid sister.”

“I like the way you look.  Who cares about any of the other things?”

“It’s just that if you’re just look for… you know…”  She trails off and it takes me a moment to understand her meaning.

“What?  Sex?  Tris, if that’s all I was looking for, you wouldn’t be the person I’d go to.”  She begins to pull away at my statement and I’m glad, suddenly, that I’m physically stronger than she is so I’m able to momentarily keep her from walking away.  “I didn’t mean that the way you’re thinking.  I meant that I know that’s not how you are.  Believe it or not, that’s something I like about you.  All of this is new for me, too.”  She looks surprised for a moment.

“So you’ve never….”  
  
“Been in a relationship with anyone or done probably anything else you’re thinking, Tris.  I’m just as new to all of this as you are.”  She relaxes noticeably so I place a kiss on her forehead.

“I didn’t know.  I just assumed since I’ve seen the way girls look at you that—“ 

“I know.  A lot of people have assumed things but they’re not true.”

“So why haven’t you, you know, really dated anyone or anything like that?”

“In Abnegation public affection and dating isn’t really allowed, which you know.  But once I got here, no one really interested me until about two years ago when I met this girl that I immediately found fascinating.  So I spent the past two years waiting until I could tell her and worrying that she might not feel the same way.”

Her hands are pressed against my chest, her fingers drawing designs over the fabric of my shirt.

“Tobias, can I see your tattoo?”  A blush immediately spreads across her cheeks as she asks it.

“Tris, are you asking me to undress?”  I smile at her so she knows I’m only meaning to tease her.

She rolls her eyes at me.  “Only partially.”

My hands are shaking as I reach for the hem of my shirt.  Pulling it up over my head, I take a deep breath before pulling it free from my body.  It silently falls to the floor. Even though I’ve only removed my shirt, I feel completely exposed as Tris reaches up and runs her hand over the flames on my right side.  I feel like a specimen she’s inspecting as she walks around me to see my back.  If only she knew how ridiculous her insecurity about whether I find her attractive is, since right now I’m terrified that through her assessment she’ll find me inadequate.

Her fingers begin tracing the faction symbols on my spine, starting at the top.  “Why do you have all five factions?”

“I think we’ve made a mistake.”  My voice hitches in my throat for a moment as her fingers continue their path.  “In building up our own faction, we’ve torn down the others.  I don’t want to be just one thing.  I want to be brave and selfless a _nd_ smart _and_ honest _and_ kind.  I continually struggle with kind, though.”

Her soft chuckle laces with her words as she says, “you can’t be perfect.”

When she circles around to stand in front of me, it takes everything in me to keep from kissing her.  She looks as nervous as I feel so I know it would be the wrong impulse.  It would only make her uncomfortable if I did kiss her.  Instead, I hook my finger under her chin so I can tilt her head to look at me.

“What are you afraid of, Tris?”

“Just…what I want.”  I take a chance and step toward her.

“What?  Me?”  It seems foolish to feel so hopeful that she’ll say yes but I do.

When she just nods, I swear my heart is going to stop beating entirely.  The idea that she’s scared of being close to me, being exposed the way I feel now, simply because she’s nervous about her desire only spurs my own.  It take both of her hands in mine, bringing them to rest on my lower abdomen.  Slowly, I guide them over my skin until she finally wraps her arms around my neck and her body is fully pressed against mine.  I wrap my arms around her waist, wanting to keep her sheltered here with me, hoping that I can help her feel safe trusting me with the parts of herself that she’s so nervous about me knowing.

“Maybe one day if you still want me, we can…” my nerves take over and I can’t finish the thought so instead I gently fit my lips to hers.

I’m surprised when she deepens the kiss, tangling one hand in my hair.  Her lips part when my tongue glides against her bottom lip and it’s all the invitation I need to explore her mouth with it.  I feel her other hand begin tracing circles over the top of my spine, causing my skin to light on fire at her touch.  A soft moan escapes from the back of my throat and I tentatively run my hands up her arms to her shoulders so I can push her jacket from them.  I slide my hands back down the length of her arms to push it free and wrap my arms back around her waist.  After I hear her jacket quietly thud to the floor, I become acutely aware that what I’m doing could be making her uncomfortable.  Abruptly I stop.

“I’m sorry.”  I pull back from her slightly, embarrassment burning on my cheeks.  “I shouldn’t have done that.  Are you OK?”  I hesitantly look at her face, worried what I’ll see there.

“Tobias, I’m fine.  It’s fine.”  Her hand has started stroking my cheek as she speaks.  It’s amazing how soothing such a simple gesture can be.  “You didn’t do anything I didn’t want you to.”

“So we’re OK?”

“Yes.”

“Really?

“Really.  Though, you should know that you can only be _either_ unfeeling instructor _or_ caring boyfriend.  You can’t have it both ways.”

“I know.”  I place a kiss to her forehead before her words strike me finally.  “Did you just call me your boyfriend?”  The smile on my face is unstoppable.

“Why?  Do you want me to?”

I pause a moment, thinking about how absurd it is that she even needs to ask that question at all.

“Yes.”  It’s a simple response but one that sends my pulse racing at the excitement of it.

Tris lays her hand on my chest just then, over where my heart is threatening to break free from my rib cage.

“Your heart beat is fast.  Are you scared of me, Tobias?”  I know she’s joking but if she knew how truly scared I am of ruining this, I know she wouldn’t ask.

“Terrified.”  I manage to make the response at least loud enough for her to hear.

“If we’re not careful, they’ll have to start calling you ‘Five’”.

“Well, maybe we can help each other make sure we’re out of each other’s fear landscape, then.”

“I think we can figure something out.”

Tris pulls me down for a kiss and I make no attempt to resist.  I know I have to keep my desire controlled so I don’t accidentally make her uncomfortable but that doesn’t mean I can’t enjoy and return her advances.  Right now, as she’s deepening the kiss we’re sharing, my only thought is how to ensure she feels safe with me, no matter what.  When she pushes herself up on her toes and stretches herself in an attempt to make herself closer to my height, my mind automatically focuses in on how her shirt has hitched up in her movement and left the bottom half of her stomach bare against my skin.  Before my resolve falters too completely, I pull away from her again.  The disappointment on her face is unmistakable.

“I really wish we could stay like this but Uriah and Christina are going to start wondering where you are.”  I offer the explanation as a cover and she seems satisfied by it.

“I know; I should leave.  Are you still upset about this morning, though?”

“Absolutely not.  I just want you to feel safe with me, whether it’s telling me more about yourself or…other things.  I want you to know I’d never hurt you.”

“Tobias, I know that.  I do feel safe with you.”  Her look grows dark and serious as she holds my gaze.  “Do you feel safe with me?”

“I do.”  I whisper it, thinking of all of the other times in my life that I might say those words.


	24. Zeke

** Zeke **

My yawn stretches the muscles in my face for the seconds it lasts while I fill my lungs with air until they feel like they’re about to burst.  I knew having Four choose the time was a mistake.  But I did have him choose the time and now it’s two thirty in the morning and I’m standing on the roof, waiting for a train.  Shauna huddles next to me and I wrap my arm around her shoulders so she can lean into me more.  Lauren and Four are standing about ten feet away, talking quietly; probably about the initiates.  To anyone outside of the four of us, we just look like four members headed out for some late night mischief. 

I’m starting to get anxious about the train arriving soon.  We need to be on it and gone before Amar, Ri and Uri arrive on the rooftop.  While the four of us together won’t arouse suspicion, the addition of Uri and Ri probably will.  Amar is always exactly on time so I hope that the train didn’t get delayed or else our cover is blown. 

As if summoned, the light of the train comes into view.  Within a minute we’re all running alongside it, reaching up and pulling ourselves into a train car one after another.  I glance around at the empty car and watch as Four helps Lauren to her feet and resumes their conversation.  He seems more carefree than he has as long as I’ve known him.  It’s strange, really.

“So where are we going, Four?”  I know I’m interrupting their conversation but I’ve been curious where we’re meeting since Four talked to me about this outing.  He looks as if he’s considering whether or not it’s safe to tell me.  “We’re already out of the compound and I’ll know soon anyway.  There’s no danger in me knowing now—it’s not like someone outside of this group can find out.”

“We’re going out by where we play capture the flag.  There aren’t cameras in one part of it by the trees.”

“See?  Was that so hard to tell me?” I grin wide at Four as he shifts uncomfortably.  “I have to admit, though, that’s probably the least secretive you’ve been since I’ve met you.  Maybe I’ll get you to finally reveal who this girl is that you like before the night is out.” 

Four’s eyes flash with alarm and widen at my words.  I don’t think he realizes that I notice his quick glance over at Lauren.  Wait, is _that_ who it is?  Was Lauren talking about herself all of those times she said she thought she knew who he liked?  It would make sense since Janet’s daughter has a boyfriend now and Shauna and I are together.  Lauren and the female initiates are the only ones left.  I briefly remember teasing Four about how happy he seemed the morning after Capture the Flag.  Lauren was there along with the initiates.  No wonder why she seemed to know so much about how the girl he liked felt about him.  It _has_ to be Lauren.

“Zeke, are you listening?”  I was so caught up in my speculation that Four’s phrase is the first one I’ve registered in the past few minutes, I guess.

“Sorry, I was distracted.”

“Seemed like it.  What’s wrong?”

“Nothing.”  I let myself smile at him for a moment.  He quirks an eyebrow at my reaction.  “I think I’ve figured out who you like.”

The flash of worry is unmistakable but he quickly recovers, his instructor mask taking his face back over.  “Oh?  Who is it that you think I like, then?”

“I don’t want to say yet.  Right now it’s just a hunch and I want to confirm it before I say.”

His brows knit together as he takes in what I’ve just said.  “Fair enough.”  He glances over at Shauna before he adds, “so what’s going on with you two, anyway?”

“I guess we’re dating or something.” 

It feels strange to say that since I haven’t steadily dated much and I’ve known Shauna since we were little kids.  The idea that someone who saw me pee myself when I was five also wants to potentially have sex with me now is a reality I never thought would be part of my life.  For most of my life Shauna has been a close friend; almost another sister.  I’m not sure when that changed but it did.

“Good for you; it took long enough.”  Lauren offers the comment with a wink and a smile.  I’m a bit surprised by that but don’t comment.  This conversation has officially become uncomfortable.

“On another note, who do you think will be the top initiate, Four?”  I ask him both because I’m sincerely curious to get an indication of how Stage 2 is going and also because I need a change of subject.

“Tris, without a doubt.  And then Max will ask her to become a leader to take my place.  She’ll just have to be convinced to take the job.”

Four already told me about his conversation with Max and that as long as Ri finishes first, she’ll be asked to join the leadership team.  I’m sure most of the reason he told me was because he thought I’d be helpful in convincing her to take the position but I don’t know that I will be.  Since he told me, though, I’ve been trying to figure out what would be the best person to talk to her about it.

“Maybe Jake would be willing to talk to her.”  Four’s confused face prompts me to continue talking.  “He’s the Amity transfer.”

“I know who he is.  Why would we have him talk to Tris?”

“I’m pretty sure he’s the guy that Ri likes.  He stopped by the Control Room the other day to ask how it is to work there because he’s thinking about selecting it as his job at the end of initiation, so I got to talk to him.  You were right—he is really nice.  I don’t think he’d ever hurt her.” 

It feels strange to admit that I don’t disapprove of him possibly being with Ri, but I was disarmed by how incredibly and truly nice he was.  I couldn’t imagine him doing anything that would hurt her in any way.  It’s comforting in a way, even if I feel unprepared for her to truly date someone.

“Even if Tris likes him, what makes you think that he’d talk to Tris about this?  Do you even know if he likes her?”  Four seems oddly angered by this conversation.  I shouldn’t be surprised, though, since Ri is like a sister to him, too.  He feels just as protective over her as I do.

“I asked him about Ri when I talked to him.  He definitely sounded like he liked her.  When I asked if he knew her, he told me she would be impossible to miss because of how amazing she is.  That’s not something anyone would say unless they liked the person.  I doubt that either of them has told the other yet, though.”

“As much as I’d love to hear the rest of this conversation, we need to get off the train here.”  Lauren walks over to the door of the car, preparing to jump off as she says it.

We wait in silence for a few minutes until we see Amar, Ri and Uri jump from the next train.  Once they get near our group, I step forward so I can hug Ri and then Uri.  They both make a face at me as I do it, but I don’t care.  I’m their older brother; I’m allowed to do things like these if I want to.

“Now that Ezekial here has had his brotherly moment with the twins, why don’t you tell us why we’re here, Four?”  Amar’s always been one to get things moving along; it’s in his nature.

“Thanks, Amar.”  Four moves so he’s facing the entire group with his arms crossed.  “As I mentioned to many of you at some point earlier tonight, I’ve stumbled upon some confidential plans that it appears Max and Eric have been exchanging with Erudite.  According to the maps and correspondence, it appears that Erudite plans to use Dauntless to destroy the Abnegation sector and thus take control of the government and the city.”  My heart almost stops in my chest when I hear the words.  I can feel Shauna’s hand gripping mine so tightly that I think she’s permanently stopped the circulation in it.

“How?”  Uriah asks the question while I, and probably everyone else, am still dumbstruck.

“There have been shipments coming in from Erudite of a new serum.  It looks similar to the serum used for the fear simulations but it’s a darker orange.  When I asked Max about the shipments, he told me that it’s a new tracker that they’ll be injecting everyone with in case any members go missing.”  Four pauses and lets his eyes sweep over all of us before he continues.  “After looking further into old files that Eric and Max failed to destroy or at least get out of Eric’s old office, I’ve found evidence that suggests the serum is actually a long range transmitter that would allow them to essentially put all of us under a simulation simultaneously.”

“So they’re going to control our minds and turn us into an army to slaughter thousands of people.”  Ri says it as if it’s the most obvious conclusion in the world.  As the words come out, though, I can see the logic in them and am reminded why she tested with an Erudite aptitude.

“It’s only logical.  Erudite would never be able to destroy Abnegation on their own; they don’t have the brute force that Dauntless does.  They do, however, have the technology to develop advanced serums that would essentially turn us into a giant weapon.”  Amar sounds matter of fact as he speaks; as if he’s not talking about how us and everyone we know will end up murderers any day now.  “It’s really an elegantly evil solution to their perceived problem of Abnegation controlling the government.”

“We need to tell Harrison so we can stop this,” Shauna offers.

“I’m not sure if Harrison is in on it, too.  For all we know he is so we can’t tell him we know.”

“Do we know when it’s going to happen?”  My voice shakes slightly as I say it and Shauna squeezes my hand a little tighter.

I look around for the first time and notice that Ri is standing between Uriah and Amar, her arms crossed and her face looking thoughtful.  It’s almost hard to remember that she’s my baby sister when she looks like that.  She seems like she should be leading the faction into battle instead of standing here in a field, talking about how our faction is be made into mindless killers.

“Yes, I know when it will happen.  It will take place three days after initiation.”

“Four, that’s not even a week away.  How are we going to stop this?”  Lauren’s voice sounds shrill as she speaks.  Clearly the panic that I’m feeling is at least felt by one other person here.

“We only have two choices, don’t we?  Either destroy the program before anyone gets hurt or keep people from being injected with the serum.  There’s no other real option other than one of those.”  Ri’s voice stays even as she lays out the plan.  I’m amazed at how calm she is in the face of this conversation; she’s truly Dauntless.

“And it’s only really the former that’s viable since everyone will be injected with the serum at initiation.  Unless, does someone have a brilliant plan of how we either change Max’s mind in the next three days or destroy thousands of syringes of serum before then?”  Four’s challenge leaves all of us silent in thought.

“Destroying that quantity of serum will be next to impossible and besides, they’ll probably just find another way to administer it.  We can’t change Max’s mind unless we know what Jeanine is using to get him to go along with this plan.”  Ri sounds annoyed that she has to say it.

“A place in the new government, I think, would be what she promised him.”  Four replies, his ire rising a bit.

“No, that’s not what it is.  Max is planning to retire in the next year or two.  Why would he care about amassing more power when he’s leaving leadership?  There has to be something else that she’s using against him.  I don’t think we’ll be able to figure out what it is in three days, though.  We’re better off focusing on finding a way to shut down the program they’re using.”

“Ri is right, Four.”  Amar offers it with an air of finality.  “We’ll need to get into Max’s office to find where they’re going to control the simulation and what the program is.  How do we do that?”

“Well, later today is the last round of fear simulations.  Then tomorrow the initiates will be going through Lauren’s fear landscape.  Zeke, aren’t you working in the Control Room tomorrow?

“Yes, and Gus is on vacation.”

“So Zeke, you can easily handle killing the footage of anyone in Max’s office.  We just need to keep Max out of his office.” 

“I can handle that.”  Amar’s voice booms.  “We need to go out to the fence for a security analysis and I’m coordinating it.  I’ll make sure it’s tomorrow morning so we’re not back until lunch.  I’ll even take Harrison along with us.  You just have to figure out how to sneak someone in there.”

“I’m working out on the fence that day so I can’t do it.” Shauna offers from her spot next to me.  I know what that means.

“Uri and I will do it.  One of us can keep watch while the other searches Max’s office and computer.”  I knew Ri would suggest her and Uriah but I wish she wouldn’t.

My mind searches frantically for a way to stop this plan.  When it finally comes upon one, I can barely get the words out fast enough.  “You can’t.  You’ll be going through Lauren’s fear landscape with the other initiates tomorrow morning.”

“We can find a way to slip away.”  Uriah is the one who offers it this time.  I hate how he and Ri have always seemed to have a secret form a communicating to which I’m not privy.

“And how will you do that?”  Four’s tone is angry and his face has darkened; he seems to like this plan about as much as I do.

“Just have us take two fears toward the beginning of the fear landscape.  While the other initiates are going through, we’ll be able to sneak out.”  Ri’s confidence in her plans would irritate me if I weren’t her brother, probably.

“What?  You’re just going to walk out and no one is going to notice, Tris?”  Four’s almost shouting now.

“No, you’re going to yell at her.”  Lauren shouts it back at Four.  Every eye turns to her, curious what she means.  “I know you need to make sure no one thinks you’re favoring her because she’s Zeke’s sister, so you’re going to do what you do best—you’re going to yell at her.  When she goes through my fear landscape, you’ll find a reason for it.  She’ll get mad in response and leave, just like she normally would if you got into a fight.  This way people won’t think you’re showing her any favoritism and she has an excuse to leave.  Besides, people are just going to assume she’s still mad at you for what you said yesterday in front of half of the initiates.  Uriah, since he’s her brother, will go after her under the guise of being concerned about his sister.  No one will question it.”

“I don’t like it.  It seems too risky—Eric is still roaming the compound with a grudge.”  Four’s face is unreadable now as he’s speaking.  He doesn’t seem so much angry as just defeated and still upset. 

“I’ll be fine, Four.  I can handle Eric.”  Ri’s words come out quiet; they remind me of the times she’s said them to me.  As I look over to her, I realize that she wears a look of gentle concern.  Even though she’s the one who is volunteering to risk her safety to execute the plan, she’s more worried about someone else’s feelings of worry over it.  Her Abnegation is showing again.

“We have a plan, even if you don’t like every piece of it, Four.  Now, we need to get back to the compound.”  With Amar’s words, we all turn and begin our short trek back to the train tracks.

We’ll be waiting a few minutes for the next train to arrive since by now they’ve slowed down their frequency.  As we’re standing, Shauna continues to firmly hold my hand and I notice Ri sidle up on the other side of me.  I sling my arm across her shoulders, pulling her to me for a half hug.  Part of me is proud that she and Uriah are brave enough to volunteer to do this.  Most of me, however, wishes I could will her and Uriah back to being five years old, when the worst thing I felt I needed to protect them from were thunderstorms instead of psychopath killers and out-of-control faction leaders who want to commit genocide.

“Ezi, I know you’re worried but Uri and I are going to be fine.  I promise.”  Ri looks up at me as she says it, holding my gaze.

“This is really risky, Ri.  If you get caught, you’ll be factionless or worse.”

“We won’t get caught.  Uriah will keep watch and you’ll be in the control room so you’ll be able to warn us if someone is coming.”

The blaring of a train horn interrupts us and we break apart to run along its side.  After I’m satisfied that Ri, Uriah and Shauna are all on the train, I pull myself into the car after them.  I step aside so the remainder of our group can pile on as well while I continue our previous conversation.  I step over so I’m facing Ri with Uriah next to her.

“Even with all of that, it’s still risky.  Four’s right—Eric is still walking around the compound and he has it out for both of you.”

“Four’s just overreacting, Ezi.”

“No I’m not.”  Sometime in all of this, Four has found his way to my side, looking just as unhappy as I feel.  “You both could be thrown out if you’re caught.  If Eric somehow finds you, you might end up dead.  I don’t like the idea of you taking this risk.  Either of you.”

“Someone has to do it and this is the best plan we’ve got, Four.  You don’t have a better plan so this is what we have to do.”  Ri counters him and folds her arms across her chest, a look of determination settling on to her face.

Four looks disgruntled for a moment, probably since he knows she’s right.  His eyes stare back at Ri, clearly trying to think of a way through this problem.  “You’re right.  It is the best plan…almost.  I’m coming with you to search Max’s office.”

“You can’t.”

“I can and I will.  If I’m not with you, we’re not doing it at all; I’ll figure out another way to get the information.”

“How do you expect to leave the fear simulation in the middle of it?”  Ri’s cheeks are turning red with anger.  I know she feels insulted that Four is insisting on helping but I have to admit I prefer the idea of him being with Uriah and her since he’s a leader right now and because it means that there’s at least a third person to help if someone discovers them.

“That won’t be hard.  I’ll leave a little bit after you and Uriah do.  I’ll be angry and everyone will assume that I’m following you both to yell at you for your conduct and for walking out of training.  Especially after our exchange yesterday in front of Peter and Drew, they’ll assume that I’m mad that you’re challenging my leadership.”

Ri glowers at Four’s words before finally spitting out, “fine.”

Just ahead of us I see our stop and notice everyone shift around, getting ready to jump from the train.  I notice Ri move over next to Four and say something to him quietly and him respond, but I can’t hear what it is over the noise of the train and the wind.  She’s probably still trying to convince him that he doesn’t need to go with her and Uriah.  From the fact that they can laugh and talk one moment and then bicker the next, it seems that Four has been adopted into the family as another brother.  The idea of that makes me feel lighter as I jump from the train and land hard on the roof.


	25. Tris

  **Tris**

The torture is almost over and it can’t happen soon enough.  Earlier today I faced my last round of the fear simulations.  Now I just have to see part of Lauren’s fear landscape tomorrow and then go through my own the day after that and I’m free.  I can’t believe that Tobias goes through his fear landscape voluntarily on a regular basis.  I would lose my mind if I did that, I think.  This is one of the several odd quirks about Tobias that remind me how much he belongs here in Dauntless and not in Abnegation.  Maybe those things are similar to the ones that make me more suited for Dauntless, too.

I’m still exhausted from the excursion with Amar and the others in the wee hours of the morning.  Since we have the afternoon off, no one will care if I go take a nap so I weave my way back to the dorm.  Briefly, I wish I could instead walk to Tobias’s apartment to sleep but I can’t…not yet, at least.  It’s useless to think about it so I won’t.  As I open the dormitory door, I see Uriah sitting on his bunk.

“What are you doing here, Uri?”

“Same thing you probably are—taking a nap.”

I cross the room and sink down on the edge of my own bunk to kick off my shoes before crawling under the blankets to sleep.  As soon as I close my eyes, I feel a nudge at my side and hear Uri saying,

“Move over, Ri.”

I open one eye to squint at him before I scoot over so he can cram into the bed like we used to do growing up when either of us would have nightmares.

“You don’t need to do this just because my nightmares have woken you up the past couple nights, Uri.”  I close my eyes again, hoping sleep will envelope me soon.

“I’m not.  I’m doing this because _my_ nightmares have been waking me up every night and rankings are going up tonight for Stage 2.”

“But no one’s being eliminated at the end of Stage 2.”

“Max wants them posted as a status update for all of us.  The last time rankings were posted, Edward lost an eye.  Who knows what will happen this time.  At least sleeping here, I know that you’ll be here to protect me.”

“You’re an idiot.  It’s more likely that we’ll both just lose an eye.”

“I don’t believe that; you’d wake up the moment they made any noise.”

“Whatever, Uri.  Go to sleep.”

We lay in silence for a minute, both of us trying to find sleep and both failing.  Maybe it’s the stress of worrying that we could really potentially be attacked in our sleep.  Maybe it’s the nervousness of possibly facing our fears again in our dreams.  I’m not sure but I can tell neither of us has been able to finally sleep.

“What’s happening with you and Four now?”  Uri breaks the silence with his whispered words.

I glance over and see him staring up at the ceiling.  “You already know what’s going on.”

“I meant about last night.  You never told me what happened that made you leave.  Is everything OK?”

“It’s fine.  Harrison told Four he needs to be careful not to do anything that would make the other initiates think he favors me.   Harrison saw the Night Security report so he knew that Four had guarded me at the infirmary that night.”

“This still doesn’t make any sense, Ri.  What does that have to do with Four yelling at you?”

“Four purposefully yelled at me so Peter and Drew wouldn’t think he has any attachment to me.  It’s the same reason why Lauren suggested Four yell at me tomorrow.”

“If that’s all it was, why did you leave?”

“I didn’t know any of this when it happened.  I just thought that Four didn’t like me; that he thought he’d made a mistake.

“Where did you go when you left?”

“I just rode the train around the city.  I couldn’t stand to be here for a while.  I needed to clear my head.”

“I’m guessing everything is OK now, since Four is back to insisting you can’t go anywhere without him.”

I smile, thinking about my conversation with Tobias in his apartment last night.  “Yeah, everything is fine.  Let’s go to sleep, Uri.”

It isn’t until I hear Christina and Will come into the dorm to wait for rankings that I stir awake.  A quick elbow to Uri’s ribs rouses him as well.

“Come on, you two.  Four’s going to be here with the rankings soon.”  Christina calls from across the room.

Uri and I sluggishly rise, putting on our shoes and crossing the room to stand with Christina and Will.  The other initiates begin to pile into the room as well until we’re a large mass of nervousness, awaiting Lauren and Four.  When they walk in, Four carries a chalkboard that’s facing away from us.  His face is set in its usual, stern instructor scowl.

“Initiates, the rankings for Stage 2 are only a progress report.  There will be no eliminations today.  The only eliminations that will happen will be after Stage 3.  Tonight’s rankings serve as a way for you to have a sense of where you are in relation to the others and how well you’ll need to do in Stage 3 to improve your ranking.  Remember that both Stage 2 and Stage 3 are weighted more heavily than Stage 1”

With that, Four places the chalkboard so we all can see it.  Everyone gasps at the list.  It takes me a moment to understand why but then I see it.  Not only am I ranked first, but my time is three times faster than the second ranked initiate, Uriah.  His time is still twice as fast as that of Peter, who is ranked third.

“How the _hell_ is that possible?”  Peter yells out from the group.  “How could she possibly get through that fast?  She _has_ to be cheating.”

“Who are you blathering on about, asshole?”  Uriah shoots back at Peter, scowling.

“Tris.  There’s no way she could be getting through that quickly without cheating.”

“Or you’re just terrible at facing your fears because you’re a coward who attacks people in their sleep.  Maybe that’s why she’s doing so much better than you are.”  Christina is the one who says it and I instantly feel grateful to her for it.

“Wake up, idiot.”  Peter crosses over to Christina as he speaks.  “She’s lying to you.  She’s acting all innocent to get your sympathy so she can outrank everyone and potentially make _you_ factionless.  She’s _using_ you.”

Christina looks at me and I can see the uncertainty on her face.  “Is that true?  Are you lying to me—to everyone?”

“Christina, you know I’m not.  I wouldn’t do that.”  My voice is pleading because I can see with each second that Peter’s words are having the desired effect on her.

Unsurprisingly, she passes by me, walking out of the dorm.  Will follows behind her but gives me an apologetic look that makes me think he doesn’t agree with her.  Regardless, I know he has to go with her.  The banging of the door behind them is the only sound in the room as everyone stands, silent.  Peter wears a self-satisfied smirk on his face when my eyes fall on him.

“See?  Even one of her closest friends believes she’s cheating.  Someone who acts so weak couldn’t possibly be doing this well on her own.”

“You know, I’m getting pretty goddamn tired of you running your stupid Candor mouth about my sister.”  Uriah steps so he’s in Peter’s face, a finger jabbing into Peter’s sternum.  “So you better shut it.  Now.”

“Or what?  You’re going to fight me for her?”

Uriah stops and grins at Peter for a moment before answering.  I have to say that watching him do that sent a shiver of terror through even me.  “No.  I’m just not going to hold her back or let Four pull her off of you this time when you’re an unconscious, bloody mess on the floor.  That’s the only thing that’s saved you in the past; you and I both already know you’ve never won a fight against her, despite your numerous attempts.”

For a moment I think Peter is going to throw a punch at Uriah but instead he pushes past him, knocking his shoulder into Uriah’s as he goes.  With Peter’s departure, Four and Lauren decide they can leave as well.  Now it’s just the rest of us standing in silence, staring at each other until Marlene finally decides to speak.

“Come on, Uriah, we need to settle our bet from earlier.”

Uriah’s grin returns.  “We do.”  Immediately, Uriah and Mar walk from the dorm, dragging Lynn and I behind them.

“What’s the bet?”  I ask as we’re walking down the hall.

“Marlene bet me I couldn’t shoot a muffin off the top of her head and I bet her she wouldn’t let me.”  Uriah flashes a full grin at me as he speaks.  He’s had this same jovial grin since I can remember; it’s comforting how no matter what changes at least that hasn’t.

“This sounds like a recipe for Mar to end up in the infirmary.”

“Don’t worry; I’m using a pellet gun.  She’ll be fine even if I miss, but I won’t.”

Uriah pushes the door to the training room open and the four of us file in.  The combination of metal, sawdust and sweat hits me as we walk further into the room.  That smell brings two years of memories back to me; some better than others.  It’s strange to consider the memories from those two years—of my first training session with Tobias or even my session with Amar when Tobias was dating Emily and I was furious with him over it and maybe also incredibly jealous.  But also thinking of all of the members that I sparred with who Tobias had recruited so I would have opponents and the first day that we practiced shooting when Tobias realized I’d been shooting a gun since I was ten.  Those memories are much happier to remember than the ones that have taken place here more recently, such as Uriah’s words to me when we had to fight during Stage 1 because Eric paired us.

“Ri, you have to move so I can actually shoot.”  Uriah is looking at me expectantly and I realize that I’ve been lost in my thoughts, standing in the middle of the room this entire time.  Sheepishly, I move out of the way.

Mar saunters over to the opposite wall and, once standing against it, places the muffin on her head.  She holds up her hand to stop Uriah from shooting and quickly plucks a piece of the muffin off and pops it into her mouth.

“No point in wasting the entire muffin.”  She grins as she chews and then resumes her statuesque stance from before.

Uriah pulls out his pellet gun and aims.  I’m not at all worried about Mar getting hurt and I’m sure she’s not either; not because it’s not a real bullet but because I know that Uriah’s aim is impeccable and always has been.  For such a carefree and joking guy, he handles a gun with surprising comfort.  The Amity part of his brain doesn’t seem to object to him shooting at things.  The noise from the pellet gun is much quieter than that of our full guns and I almost don’t register that he’s already fired until I see the muffin fall to the floor.

“Yes!  I win!”  Mar looks disappointed for a moment but then smiles again.  She’s had a crush on Uriah practically since we could walk so I’m sure she isn’t actually upset that he won the bet.

I turn when I hear the squeak of the training room door signaling that someone is coming in the room.  I relax, though, when I see that it’s just Ezi with Shauna and Tobias with him.

“It’s just my idiot brother.”  Ezi remarks to the others as if answering a question someone had asked.

“You’re not supposed to be in here right now.”  Four says in his instructor tone.  I notice Lynn and Mar both stiffen at his words but they don’t have the same effect on me anymore.  “You should leave before I tell Max that you’re down here.”

Uriah quickly tucks the gun into the waistband of his pants before we start heading toward the door.  I fall into step behind all of the others, careful to avoid looking at Four while Lynn and Mar are around. 

“You wouldn’t really tell Max, would you?”  Lynn asks tentatively before she exits.

“No, I wouldn’t.”  Four says quietly to her.  This seems to mollify her because she brushes past he others and walks away.

Ezi and Shauna follow her out and pretty soon Uriah joins them.  When I reach the door I’m not sure what I’m supposed to do because I want to talk to Four but it’s probably not safe right now.  He seems to make the choice for me when his hand catches mine, stopping me in my tracks.  Immediately, my eyes snap up to meet his and I notice that he no longer wears his instructor mask but instead wears a soft expression.

“Tris, wait.”  He says it automatically even though I’ve already stopped walking and haven’t made any attempt to continue on.

“What is it, Four?”

“You know you’ve gotten here on your own, right?  You’ve earned your rank by being the best fighter in the class and being brave enough to face your fears.  No matter what anyone says, remember that you belong here probably more than anyone else in this compound does.  You really are Dauntless; just hold on a little longer.  It’s almost over.”

“Thanks, Four.”  I lace my fingers in his as we stand there for a brief moment, looking at each other.  There are other things I’d like to say but I can’t seem to find the right words so I let the silence hang between us instead.

I take a chance and step toward him, pushing myself up on my toes to place a quick kiss to his cheek before fleeing, embarrassment hot on my cheeks as I leave.

Christina ignores me at dinner so Uriah and I sit at a different table, bringing Mar and Lynn with us.  Al is nowhere in sight so I assume that he’s avoiding me as well.  The sigh that escapes from me as I eat must alert my dinner companions to my growing despondency at the people who I thought were my friends.

“Ri, don’t worry about them.  They’re just upset and probably jealous because all of this is hard for them.  They’re worried about making it through initiation and it bugs them that all of this comes so naturally to you.  It doesn’t for a lot of people.”  Uriah offers it clearly in an attempt to make me feel better but it only partially works.  I nod along with him, though, in an attempt to make him feel like he was successful.

There isn’t much point in trying to talk to anyone and my earlier nap makes it difficult for me to fall asleep, so I go down to sit at the Chasm for a while.  My mind wanders around as I watch the rushing water and I let it.  The undeniable melancholy that accompanies my feelings of betrayal begins to take over and I don’t stop that, either.  Instead, I sit and allow the feelings to flow through me, my mind examining each one as it passes.

It must be hours that have passed and my back feels stiff and aching from sitting on stone.  My eyes burn with the beginning of fatigue so I decide that perhaps it is time to try to force myself to sleep.  Standing up, I stretch in order to try to ease the aches I feel throughout my spine.  I slowly begin my journey back to the dorm but I stop by the water fountain when I hear voices: one a familiar male voice and one a female voice I recognize but haven’t heard in a long time.

“She’s Natalie Prior’s daughter—you really expect me to believe she’s not Divergent?”

“I never said that she was or wasn’t.  I’m just saying that we don’t have anything that conclusively shows that she is.  Nothing is abnormal about her simulations.”  The familiar timbre of his voice confirms for me that it’s Max speaking.

“Nothing?  What about her time?  It’s exceptionally fast.”

“So?  So is Uriah’s.  So was Four’s and Eric’s and Amar’s.  Look, Jeanine, I’ve sifted through the footage myself and I haven’t found anything that would indicate that she knows she’s in a simulation.  Eric didn’t find anything during Stage 1 either.  She was raised Dauntless and her test results were Dauntless; it shouldn’t surprise anyone that she’s brave.”

“Her test results were manually entered.”

“You should take that up with the Abnegation who administered her test.  We both know that sometimes there’s actually a glitch in the test.”

“The likelihood that it just happened to glitch while testing someone whose mother was Divergent is very small, Max.”

“Andrew wasn’t Divergent.  Maybe she inherited his genes.  Jeanine, let it go for now.  I’ll let you know if we find anything.”

“Remember, Max, if she is Divergent, the serum won’t work on her and she’ll be awake.  And she’ll be shot.  So if you’re trying to protect her now just remember that she’ll die anyway, no matter what you do.  The only difference is that if that’s how we find out she’s Divergent, you’ll be dead, too.”

I know they’re talking about me.  The fact that they’re talking so casually about my imminent death makes my limbs grow cold and heavy with dread and terror.  I have to reach out a hand to steady myself against the wall so I don’t sink to the floor.  I’m so distracted by their conversation that it takes a moment to realize that they’re gone now and still I don’t notice any additional movement around me until a hand clamps over my mouth.

“One noise and you’re dead.”  I’d know the growl of that voice anywhere since I’ve spent the last year having it taunt me.  Peter’s other arm quickly clamps across my body in an attempt to pin my arms down before I can react.  The action forces me backwards until my back thuds hard against his chest.

His arm wasn’t quite long enough to securely pin both of my arms and I wiggle one free and begin to try to extricate myself from his grasp.  I struggle against him but it’s difficult since standing flush against him with my back to his chest is one of the most vulnerable stances in a fight.  Peter knows this, which is why he chose to approach me from behind.

“Get her hands.  Now.”  Peter angrily whispers to someone else.

Immediately, someone in Dauntless black wearing a black knit mask steps in front of me and takes both of my wrists in one hand.  It’s times like these that I really hate being small.  I fall back on the training that has become so ingrained in my brain that it’s semi-automatic.  My legs kick furiously, my knees searching for points of contact with my assailants.  Grunts issue from the person holding my wrists and I’m at least temporarily satisfied when he has to hold one in each hand because he can’t keep a steady grasp on them.

“Rope!” He barks gruffly.  He’s about the right height to be Drew, which doesn’t surprise me.

A third person in a black knit mask steps forward and despite my lashing about, binds my wrists together with a thick rope that chafes against my flesh.

“Goddamn it, come make sure she doesn’t make any noise,” Peter orders the third attacker.

Once the third person is close enough to seamlessly take over covering my mouth, Peter steps away for a moment.  I’m not sure who this new person is.  Except wait, the faint smell of lemongrass and sage fills my nostrils.

_No.  Al, not you._

Even though I am bound and functionally gagged right now, my heart sinks with sadness that Al has been lured into this.  I don’t know what Peter promised him but I know for sure that whatever it is won’t happen.  My sadness, however, is quickly replaced with anger when they lift me and begin tromping down the hall on a path I know very well to end in one place: The Chasm.

The oddly large amount of bright lighting that fills the Chasm burns my retinas for a moment as they step toward the rail that separates the rock walkway from the water.  I know what is coming and my mind is desperately searching for how to delay or halt it altogether.  Once I’m over the rail there will be little to help me; the likelihood that I won’t bash my head against a rock as I fall is small and the chances of me not being swept beneath the water’s surface by the current or otherwise incapacitated through my limbs striking rock surfaces are even slimmer yet.  If I am to stay alive, I must remain on this side of the rail.

Knees and elbows.  I must use the sharpest parts of my limbs to ward off the attack.  Immediately, I begin thrashing as much as I can manage to do so, given that I’m being held by three people.  As I’m still throwing the bulk of my body weight from side to side, I draw my knees toward my chest as much as I can manage and kick each foot out individually.  One of them collides with Drew’s stomach, knocking the wind from him and causing him to entirely lose his grip on my ankles. 

It’s all of the window I need and with my feet on the ground again, I am able to fling my weight more strongly, causing the other two to lose their grasp on me as well.  Unfortunately, it means that I fall to the ground, the back of my head smacking the stone floor as I do so.  An agonized scream escapes from me as it happens.  I scramble to stand back up and as soon as I do, I maneuver as best as I can so all three of them are in front of me. 

The one I think is Drew charges at me and I duck to avoid the blow he throws toward my face.  Hand-to-hand combat won’t be easy with my hands tied and I know I will only last so long like this.  I drop down and turn to aim an elbow up under his ribs and quickly swipe his legs out from under him as soon as I’ve done so.  He hits the floor but my small victory is short lived as I feel my feet leave the ground as I’m lifted from behind. 

“Get her over the rail,” Peter barks from a few feet away on my right.

I immediately begin screaming and thrashing as Al carries me toward the railing.  When we’re a foot away from it, I kick a leg out and wrap it around one of the support posts of the rail, effectively keeping myself on the right side of the railing.  Al struggles, attempting to unwind my leg from the post.  As he does so, I shove my elbow back into his face.  I feel warm blood, presumably from his nose, spray across the back of my arm as he screams in pain.  His grip releases me and I have to catch myself on the railing to keep from completely crashing to the floor again. 

Regaining my balance, I turn just in time to see Peter approach me, pulling his mask off.  My back is against the railing and Peter latches a hand to it on either side of me, effectively trapping me where I am.

“I don’t know why you bothered with the mask, Peter.  I would recognize your voice anywhere.”

He smirks at me, holding my gaze captive with his emerald eyes.  “Merely precautionary in case someone else saw me.”  He pauses for a few moments before he decides to continue.  “You put up a good fight but this only ends with you at the bottom of the Chasm.  But before that happens, it doesn’t mean we can’t have a little _fun.”_

Before I can ask him what he means, his left arm winds around my back, pulling me against him.  Quickly thereafter, his lips are crashing into mine.  It’s terrifying and confusing.  An idea strikes me and I force myself to relax; Peter seems to take this as a sign of my acquiescence and pretty soon I feel his tongue lightly caress my bottom lip.  I let my lips part so I can pull his bottom lip between them.  I bite down hard until I taste the metallic twinge of his blood.  Still biting down, I knee him as hard as I can manage.  He stumbles back from me, blood dripping from his mouth but then I feel his fist collide with my right temple and the force sends me toppling to the ground.  When he kicks me repeatedly in the side and the stomach, I barely realize I’m screaming in pain.

“What the hell?!”  I hear Tobias’s voice boom.

His entrance momentarily distracts Peter so I use the opportunity to crawl back to my feet.  Tobias and Drew are grappling with each other and Al lies on the floor, unconscious.  I maneuver around so that Peter and I have switched places—now he has his back to the Chasm.  He begins to advance on me and I quickly channel all of my energy into a kick that collides with his chest.  It’s enough to send him stumbling backwards, knocking his head against the rail and slumping to the stone ground.  Tentatively, I cross to him and reach down to make sure he has a pulse.  As I do so, I notice the grey and black spots dancing at the edges of my vision; it won’t be long before I probably fall unconscious as well.

A sickening crack sounds from Tobias’s fist meeting Drew’s face and Drew falls to the floor; the last of the three.  My vision is becoming hazy now and my head feels heavier than I remembered as fear takes over and my adrenaline vanishes.

“Tob—Four.”  It comes out as a whispered prayer as my knees begin to give out beneath me.

Vaguely, I’m aware of him running toward me as I hear my name.  Muscled arms envelope me, cradling and supporting me as I slink to the ground.  My head bobs and I feebly lean against his chest and sink to my knees against him.

“Tris?”

“I.  I didn’t know they were there.  There were too many.  I couldn’t.  I couldn’t.  I couldn’t.”  I try desperately to complete my sentence but find myself stuck; terror growing in me with every passing second that I can’t seem to finish my sentence.  A still-silent sob sticks in my throat, threatening to escape and overtake me.

“I know.  I know.”  Tobias pulls me more firmly against his chest.  Something chafes against my wrists until finally the rope that binds them releases its pressure.  He pulls first one arm and then the other around his neck.

“I didn’t know.”  I eke out against his shirt.

“I know.  It’s over now, baby.  Stay with me for just few more moments, OK?  I’m going to take you somewhere safe.”

I try to say something but Tobias’s hand against my lips silences me.  The increasing fatigue I’m feeling probably would have made whatever I was going to say come out muddled anyway.  I feel the familiar sensation of his arm wedging under my knees, preparing to lift me.

“I can walk.”

“It’s not worth the effort.  Just hold on to me, Tris.”

Just this once I listen, letting my head sag against his chest and my hand knot into his shirt.  I let those dark spots dancing at the edges of my vision overtake me at last.


	26. Four

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Sorry it took so long to update. My schedule has calmed down some so I'll hopefully have another update done soon!

** Four **

My feet beat the most familiar and safe path they know: to my apartment.  In the back of my mind I knew leaving her at the infirmary or the dorm were not viable options since both were recent locales of brushes with death and neither of us can afford for someone to see me guarding her again right now.  No one will know she’s here or even think of it.  Here I can tend to her.

When I finally manage the door open, I walk over to my bed, still cradling her in my arms as I sit on the edge of it.  After a quick once-over, I know her injuries for the most part aren’t severe and that I can easily treat them myself and should do so swiftly.  Regardless, I can’t bring myself to let go of her.  An irrational worry possesses me that somehow she’ll be harmed if she’s not secure in my arms every moment.

I recognize how ridiculous it is but I can honestly say that I’ve never felt this maddeningly protective and attached to anyone before in my life.  I never felt affection for Marcus due to his monstrous nature.  Naturally, I loved my mother the way a child typically would, but that love was mixed with the helplessness of not being able to help her.  While I care for my friends and feel loyalty toward them, it’s nothing like the pull I feel toward Tris.  It’s the feeling that when she’s hurt it’s worse than hurting myself.  Infinitely worse.

 _She’s safe now._   I have to remind myself of that fact before my body is spurred to action.  Gingerly, I lay her on my bed and immediately turn to flick every lock on my door, ensuring it’s secured.  Due to my own tendency to train until my knuckles are split, I have a well-stocked medical kit with enough to treat all manner of scrapes, cuts and bruises.  Once I’ve retrieved it from the bathroom, I allow myself to again take in her injuries, assessing which to treat first.

My breath catches in my throat as I sit next to her on the edge of the bed, realizing for the first time that she could have died tonight.  Again.  My musings, however, are not a good reason for me to just sit and stare at her and I can’t do it all night.  So I set my kit down on the floor and open it, removing several items I know I’ll need.  The rope burns on her wrists will be the easiest place to start, so I uncap a bottle of salve that will help them heal faster.

She’ll probably have faint bruises on them over the next couple of days so I make a note to myself to remind her to be careful not to do anything that might accidentally further bruise them.  They’re so small and delicate looking that I bet I could fit one hand around both of them if I wanted to do so. The thought makes me feel sick as I realize that that’s probably how Peter or Drew or Al managed to hold on to them as they used the rope to tie them together.  The cowards had three people against one and they still felt they need to tie her hands together.   And even then, Tris still wouldn’t let them win.  A sense of pride in her will and bravery mixes in with my feelings of anger and sickness at her attackers, slowly washing out the latter feelings and reminding me that I need to focus on her.

Carefully, I apply the salve to her wrists and lightly wrap gauze around them.  The burns aren’t so bad that I’m worried they will get infected; it’s mostly to protect them from further scrapes and her from pain if she accidentally brushes against something.  I set about wiping the blood from her hands and face and treating the cuts and scrapes I find.

Once all of her visible injuries have been addressed and I’ve wiped all visible remnants of the attackers’ blood and her own from her skin, I realize I’m not sure how to check to make sure she doesn’t have internal bleeding or broken bones from Peter kicking her.  For all I know, he could have stabbed her before I got there or when I was fighting Drew.  Something about moving her shirt aside to check for injury seems invasive and wrong.   My Abnegation upbringing makes me feel embarrassed even considering it.  Instead, I firmly press my palm to her side over her shirt to feel for any swelling or overheated flesh that would indicate internal injury or the onset of infection there.  I stop for a moment and listen to her breathing to gauge whether it is ragged, indicating a severely broken rib or punctured lung, but it sounds normal.  As far as I can tell, there’s nothing to worry about but I’ll have to ask her how she’s feeling when she wakes up to really know.  Since there’s no sign of blood on her shirt or on my bed, I assume there are no additional open wounds.

When I pull my hand away, I notice the dried blood on my knuckles and fingers for the first time.  I make my way to the bathroom, telling myself it’s foolish to think she won’t be just fine for a minute alone.  I leave the bathroom door open just a bit as I usually do, but this time it’s not just because of my claustrophobia but also because of my want to keep Tris within eyesight just in case. 

I watch the blood mingle with the water as it washes down the sink drain.  The strangest feeling of déjà vu hits me as I do so and it takes only a couple seconds to recognize it from my nightmares that would occur after every time I’d fight Tris when I trained her.  In my nightmares, however, the blood on my hands was Tris’s and when I’d look into the mirror afterwards it would be Marcus’s face staring back at me.  Those dreams filled me with enough terror that I always refused to fight her bare fisted; insisting, instead, that we had to use the padded gloves.  I never wanted to inflict pain on her.  I turn the tap off and take a deep breath, steadying myself against the edge of the sink and closing my eyes tight before I glance up.

_It wasn’t real, Tobias.  You’re not him._

I won’t deny that I’m relieved when I see myself—very haggard looking—staring back at me in the mirror.  My arms shake just slightly beneath me with relief.  Out of the corner of my eye I notice Tris stirring in my bed and I’m reminded once again that I’m supposed to be caring for her now.  She suddenly stops stirring as I turn to face the open door.  I have a feeling she’s playing Possum because she doesn’t know what to say to me if I know she’s awake.

I continue on like I didn’t notice her movement.  I pass into the kitchen to find an ice pack since I noticed the growing knot on the back of her head earlier that must have been from her hitting it at some point during the fight.  The ice pack immediately begins to cause the muscles of my hand to stiffen as I walk to the bedside where Tris lays with her eyes slightly open still.  I make eye contact with her reluctantly since I don’t want to force her to feel as if she needs to speak or explain right now.  As I bend over to place the ice pack under her head, her eyes scan me.

“Your hands.”  Her voice is barely a croak as she says it.

“Are none of your concern.”  I force myself to be stern with her, to make it clear that she shouldn’t worry about me right now.

Her fingers press to my split lip and stroke it for a moment.  Her face is filled with worry and I hate it.  She needs to worry about recovering.

“Tris, I’m fine.”  I finally situate the ice pack and stop to look her in the eye again.  “You shouldn’t be worrying about me; you should worry about getting better.  How are you feeling?”

“I’ve felt better.  My head hurts some.”

“How about your side?”

“Only when I breathe.”

“I guess you can’t have everything.  How bad is the pain?”  I can tell she’s trying to act as though there isn’t any but I can see the grimace she’s suppressing.

“It’s nothing I can’t handle.  Do you think it would be a bad idea to sit up?”  Silently I shake my head and reach over to help her sit upright in the bed.  This time she barely is able to suppress the grimace of pain.

“You know, Tris, it’s just me here.  It’s OK to admit you’re hurting.”

I don’t know what I was expecting her to say, if anything, but I certainly wasn’t expecting the silent tear I see slide down her cheek.  Without thinking, I reach out and swipe it away with my thumb.  When more follow, I cradle her face in my hands and lean forward to kiss both of her moist cheeks, her quiet sniffle interrupting the action slightly.

“Maybe sitting up wasn’t a good idea,” she remarks quietly.  I take it as my queue to help her gently lay back down.

“Tris, anyone who went through what you did tonight would be having a much more difficult time keeping it together than you are.  You fought off three people, Tris.  It’s OK to feel upset or hurt right now. You don’t have to be brave _all_ the time.  You were already more than brave enough for one night.”  I”ve begun to absent mindedly stroke her hair as she lays, listening to my words.  “You should focus on resting now; not bravery.”

“Would it be OK if I asked you to lay with me for a while?”  Her voice is barely above a whisper as she asks.

“Of course.”  I gingerly move around her until I’m situated, laying on my side, curled around her.  She turns her head to look at me.

“How did you know I was at the Chasm?”

“I was walking back from the Control Room and I heard you scream.  I got there as fast as I could.”  A heavy weight of guilt hangs against my chest.  “I’m sorry I didn’t get there sooner.  You shouldn’t have had to fight them by yourself.”

“You couldn’t have done anything differently.  It’s not your fault that they attacked me.”

“How is it that you’re the one who just fought off three attackers yet you’re comforting me about it?”

“I guess I’m just not normal.”  After a moment she looks up at the ceiling and I can see her face changing; her resolution breaking.  “I wasn’t brave, Tobias.  I was terrified the entire time.”

A single tear slides over her temple and into her hair as she continues to focus on the ceiling.  Her sudden vulnerability cuts straight through me so I adjust my arms so they’re wrapped around her as tightly as I can manage without upsetting her injuries, my chin resting on her shoulder so my nose is nuzzled against her cheek.

“But you acted in spite of your fear.  Tris, fear doesn’t ever shut you down.  If that’s not bravery, I don’t know what is.”

A steady silence hangs between us for what seems like eternity.  I don’t interrupt it since I’m unsure what to say at this point.  Her discomfort over tonight’s events is something I wish I could take away but I know she has to tell me how to do it; what she needs.  For now it seems like silence is what she wants or needs and so I will give her that until she decides she desires otherwise.

Slowly, and obviously painfully, she shifts so she’s laying on her side, facing me.  She pulls at my shirt front, silently signaling that she wants me closer to her but that it hurts too much for her to move more.  Immediately I oblige, pressing the length of my body against hers with one arm over her side so my hand rests on her back, stroking it gently.  My other hand cups her cheek as I touch my nose to hers.  Her eyes slowly close and part of me wants to kiss her eyelids and whisper to her that I’m sorry.  I resist the urge, through, worried that I’ll wake her if she’s sleeping.

“Where are they?”  She asks it with her eyes still shut and the sound startles me.

“Who are you talking about?”

“Peter, Drew.”  Her eyes open lazily and she steadily looks at me.

“Either they’ve run away by now or they’re still laying on the ground by the Chasm.  I think at least Drew is doing the latter, if not all of them.”  She nods at my words.  “I should go take them to the infirmary.”

“Without warning, her hand comes up, clutching tightly to my wrist.  Her face is filled with alarm.

“No, don’t leave.  _Please._ ”  Her other hand holds my jaw as her eyes search mine for confirmation that I’ll stay.

“I won’t leave yet.  I’ll stay here until you go to sleep.”

“No, Tobias, please don’t leave.”  Her voice raises nervously high and reminds me of her panicking after Molly’s failed attack on her.  I find myself shushing her, hoping to keep her from panicking more.

“Tris, I have to take them to the infirmary sometimes and I have to tell Zeke.”

“No.  Don’t tell Ezi.”

“Tris, if I don’t tell him about it tonight, Zeke will kill me for it tomorrow.  I’ll lock the door when I leave but no one knows you’re here anyway.  I promise you’ll be safe.  I’ll send Zeke and Uriah up so they can stay with you while I’m gone.  OK?”

She looks at me for what seems like an eternity, which makes me worry that my question will send her into another bout of terror.

“OK.”  Her grip loosens on my wrist even though she still looks concerned.  I lean forward, gently kissing her lips.  The action only serves to make me want to stay.

“I’ll be right back.  You’ll be safe here, I promise.”  She nods so I pull myself away, standing up to find my jacket and keys before I end up too wrapped up in Tris to leave.

My feet move quickly down the hall once I’ve made sure the door is locked.  The path to Zeke’s apartment doesn’t take long and I’m knocking on his door before I’ve really fully pulled my thoughts from Tris and the feel of her lips against mine.  Luckily, I’ve collected them enough to be able to answer Zeke’s questioning look when his door opens.

“Tris was attacked by Peter, Drew and Al by the Chasm.  She’s OK; she’s resting at my apartment, safe.”

“Give me your keys.”  His voice is gravelly with the effects of sleep but it’s demanding and I know he won’t tolerate any argument.

“She’s probably still jumpy so you should knock on the door and say who you are before you open it.”  I place the keys in his palm.

“I will.”  He shoves his feet into a pair of sneakers before closing his apartment door.  “Can you get Uriah?”

“I will.”  I take a moment and set my hands on Zeke’s shoulders to get his attention.  “Zeke, she’s OK.  She’s just a bit bruised.  She’s safe now, I promise.”

“I know.  Thank you.”

I let him go and continue on to Amar’s apartment.  Amar immediately follows me out of his apartment the moment he sees me, so I tell him what happened as we walk to the initiate dorm.  Once we reach it I walk in to wake Uriah and lead him to the hall.

“What is it?  What happened?”  The anxiety in his voice cuts through the fatigue that’s there too.

“Tris was attacked by Peter, Drew and Al by the Chasm.  She’s in my apartment right now—safe—and Zeke’s probably there with her by now.”

Uriah doesn’t say anything in response.  Instead, he simply walks away from us quickly in the direction of my apartment, not bothering to see if we’re following him or not.  Amar and I make quick work of depositing Al and Drew at the infirmary.  Peter must have woken up and left already, leaving his injured followers behind.

“You know, you can’t blame yourself, Four.”  Amar’s words don’t come until we’re almost halfway to my apartment.  They’re the first ones he’s spoken since we started walking back.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“You know e _xactly_ what I’m talking about.  There’s no way you could protect her every moment of the day.  What happened was something you couldn’t have predicted.”

“But I should have.”  I stop and so does he.  Amar turns so we’re facing each other.  “Rankings were posted tonight for Stage 2.  Las ttime rankings were posted, Edward was stabbed.  I should have expected something would happen.”

“Four, stop.  You can’t blame yourself and beat yourself up over this.  She’s OK.  Didn’t you tell me earlier that she knocked two of them out herself?  She can protect herself, Four.  She’ll be OK.  Just focus on what we need to do tomorrow and Tris and Uriah getting through the last part of initiation.”

Arguing with Amar has never been something I’ve exceled at, probably because he’s always so logical.  His thoughts always make sense and I can’t deny it, so I nod at him and we continue walking.  It’s not at all surprising that we find Tris, Zeke and Uriah all asleep on my bed when I unlock and open my apartment door.  Uriah is sprawled across the foot of the bed while Zeke lays on his back, planted between Tris and the door.  Once the door is closed behind us, Amar tells me that he’ll take the floor.  I carry a chair over and place it with its back against the door.  Before I sit down, however, I quietly walk over to the bed, bending down to check that Tris still has an ice pack situated.  Her eyes flutter open for a moment and she smiles before drifting back off to sleep so I return to my chair by the door and settle into it for the night.

The soreness that’s settled into my shoulders during sleep is only somewhat alleviated when I stretch.  Looking across my apartment it looks like a minefield of people from where I sit.  In sleep, Tris looks peaceful and relaxed; not like she fought off three people less than twelve hours ago.  While I would like to go train for a while before breakfast to get rid of some of the residual anger I feel from last night, I feel like I can’t leave Tris 

I know Zeke needs to get to his shift in the Control Room and Amar needs to leave for the fence with Max and Harrison so I walk over and wordlessly shake them both awake.  The commotion they make as they rise and move about my apartment wakes Uriah and Tris as well.

“Ri, you should rest until breakfast.  I’m sure Four won’t mind.”  Zeke tells Tris as she moves as if to get up.

I offer a small shrug.  “It’s fine with me.  I’ll make sure she gets to breakfast safely.”

Zeke nods to me and then Tris as if to indicate the decision has been made.  He and Amar leave, Amar winking at Tris on his way out of the door.  Uriah quickly announces that he’s going to head back to the dorm before anyone wakes up and realizes that he’s been gone.  He whispers something I can’t hear to Tris and slaps me on the shoulder before walking out.

The apartment feels slightly awkward and quiet once it’s only Tris and I alone.  I feel compelled to fill the silence with all of my thoughts but there are too many they’re too scattered to order and appropriately convey.  Instead I settle for sitting on the bed next to her, stroking her hair.

“I can’t believe all of you stayed here last night to guard me.  I really didn’t need all of this; I can take care of myself.”  Her voice has an edge of irritation to it and I can’t stop the smile that spreads across my face in response.  This reaction is what tells me that Tris really will be OK.

“Tris, when are you going to figure out that any of us guarding you has nothing to do with whether or not we think that you can protect yourself.”

“Then what is it about?”

“Tris, your parents were Dauntless leaders who clearly could protect themselves but were killed by a factionless man.  Accidents, flukes, all of these things happen.  Guarding you is more about easing our own irrational concern about something like that happening than it is about your abilities.  It’s just because all of us care about you—albeit, in different ways.”

A crimson hue creeps up her cheeks as she smiles slightly in response.  “I’m certainly hoping you care about me in different ways.”  She looks around the room for a moment before pushing my blue quilt off of her.  “I’d better get up; breakfast starts soon.”

I oblige her, stepping aside so she can push herself up from the bed.  I offer my hand to help but she waves it away, insisting on doing it herself.  Once she’s standing, I carefully wrap my arms around her waist, holding her to me as tightly as I can dare without hurting her.  Her side must still be painful since she simply leans her head against my chest with her hands likewise pressing against it on either side.

“Sometimes I’m filled with an irrational fear that if I’m not holding you, you’ll just disappear.  That all of this will turn out not to be real.”  My confession comes unbidden and I want to slap myself for saying it when she looks up at me with concern filling her eyes.

“I’m not going to disappear, Tobias.  I’m right here.” 

“I know.  My fear doesn’t make any sense but it’s there nonetheless.”  I take a deep breath, not really wanting to ruin this moment with an argument but I know I have to.  “That’s why I don’t want you and Uriah going to Max’s office alone.”

“So it’s about your fear; not about whether I can protect myself.” 

“Yes.  I know you don’t like it and I’m sorry.  I just don’t know what I’d do if something happened to you.  I know you can take care of yourself and you don’t need me but I would never forgive myself if I wasn’t at least there to try and stop it if something happened.”  She’s intently staring at her hands as they smooth the fabric over my chest.  She seems to be thinking over my words because after a minute or so she nods.

“When Mom told me about my parents’ death and how her husband died protecting them, I felt guilty—like I had taken Uri and Ezi’s father from them.  She told me not to because he wanted to be there to help them since they were his friends.  Mom actually confessed that she felt guilty afterwards that she wasn’t there to do anything.  I think if something happened to Uri or Ezi or Amar or you and I wasn’t there to protect you, I’d feel the same way.”  She looks up and I instantly get lost in her grey-blue eyes as she continues to speak.  “I guess what I’m saying is that I understand how you feel, even if it is irrational.”

The idea of someone wanting to protect me is so foreign I don’t really know what to do with it.  All I know is that it awakens deep in my core a warmth and happiness I didn’t know existed.  Never in my life have I ever thought that someone would feel compelled to protect me since my family certainly never did nor my faction.  Maybe this is what it means to be loved by someone else and to love them; to have and accept their desire to protect and support you and for them to have and accept the same from you even when it seems foolish that either of you would feel that way.

“We should get down to breakfast before people start asking where you are, especially if you don’t want Zeke to catch on to us yet.  Amar and Uriah already have caught on as is, I think.”  She chuckles a little as she listens to my words.

“I told Uri about us and I think we both know that Amar figured it out a long time ago.”

“That explains how strange Uriah was this morning.  But wait, you told Uriah but not Zeke?”

“Uri’s my twin; we tell each other everything.”

“I know, Tris, but the bond of the three Pedrad children is Dauntless legend, practically.  I’m surprised you’d tell one and not the other.”

“I’ll tell Ezi soon, I promise.  Let’s just finish initiation first, OK?”  I’m completely captivated by her eyes so I find myself unable to do anything other than nod dumbly at her.

“You can tell him and anyone else whenever you’re ready.  Just make sure you don’t tell any of the initiates you’re not related to until after initiation is done.”

She gives me a look that tells me that my words are unnecessary since she knows what would be at risk if any initiate other than Uriah found out.  It’s moments like these that remind me how unskilled I’ve always been with women.  Too bad I can’t ask Zeke for advice on how to romance his sister.

“Let’s go.”  Tris pulls away from me but as she does so, she grimaces in pain.  “I’ll have to remember not to move like that or else everyone will know that I’m in pain.”

“No, you should let it show.  Don’t try to hide your bruises and don’t hide your discomfort when you move.  You need your friends to be there for you right now.  You need to show some vulnerability for them to do that.”

“Are you serious?  Do you really think I need to t _ry_ to show vulnerability?  I think it’s been written all over me since day one.”

“I think you do need to try, Tris.  They watched you beat both your instructor and one of their leaders in a fight, back-to-back.  You’ve been ranked first consistently since day one.  To any of them, you seem invulnerable so you need to remind them that you’re human.  It won’t come naturally to you—you’ll want to put on a brave face and hide your pain but you shouldn’t.  Let them know you’re hurt and let them help keep you safe, Tris.”

She agrees much quicker than I thought she would.  Before I open the apartment door I stop to give her a quick kiss.  As we walk toward the dining hall, I slow down, letting her enter first to avoid the suspicions of any of the initiates or really anyone who isn’t Amar or Uriah.  As I watch her walk away from me, I can’t help but long for the day when we can sit together and act like a normal couple.  But today isn’t that day and instead I need to focus on getting the information we need from Max’s office to stop the attack we know is coming.


	27. Zeke

** Zeke **

The Control Room is boring generally and probably on purpose so we don’t get distracted from monitoring the screens.  Despite that I’m finding myself distracted almost constantly.  That’s particularly bad today since I need to focus on keeping Ri and Uriah from being caught in Max’s office later this morning.  Right now, however, I’m just watching as the initiates make their way to the fear landscape room with Lauren and Four.  No one else is on duty right now so I’ve gone ahead and turned up the volume on the feed.  This way I can listen to the conversation as I watch.

I pay close attention to Ri, who’s walking between Uriah and Will, the latter’s left arm slung over her shoulders protectively.  I’d speculate that maybe he’s really the guy Ri likes but I notice he holds another girl—Christina’s—hand in his right one.  When they reach the fear landscape room, Four stops the group outside of it to explain how fear landscapes work.  There aren’t cameras in the room so I won’t be able to see the initiates as they go through Lauren’s landscape but I can watch the group outside and still overhear any conversations that are loud enough to be picked up by the cameras’ microphones.

I watch with satisfaction as Four calls Peter a coward after the idiot complains about how unfair it is to be ranked by completion time in the landscapes since everyone has a different number of fears.  After the events of last night I hope Peter has thirty fears and takes an hour and a half to complete his landscape.  That way he either gets cut or at least has to work out at the fence so he doesn’t see Ri.  Shauna and my mother will ensure that he gets taught a lesson by some of the other fence guards who have daughters they’re protective over or are one of the many Dauntless members that see Ri as one of their own family.  I pull myself from my thoughts of retribution being meted on Peter Hayes so I can instead pay attention to the initiates.  Our plan is about to commence.

Uriah goes through the first of Lauren’s fears and is done in three minutes.  He stands next to Ri again after he emerges from the room.  Lauren calls Ri forward to take her turn, just like we planned.  Four injects her with the serum and she disappears.  After about twenty seconds I hear Ri’s panicked screams. For a moment I figure this is just part of the plan she and Four must have hashed out since we didn’t finely plot this exchange.  The screams, however, don’t stop and sound even more terrified now.  It’s clearly not part of the plan and Four’s momentarily worried expression confirms it.

“Lauren, what fear is this?”  He asks it quietly but forcefully and it’s enough for me to be able to hear it.

“Kidnapping.”

“Are you serious?  What the hell, Lauren?”

“You told me to give her the second fear.”

“I didn’t know it would plunge her back into a traumatic event she survived not even twelve hours ago.  Shut it down.  Now!”

The concern is wiped from his face as he walks toward the fear landscape room where Ri’s screams and sobs continue to sound.  Lauren looks uneasy as she punches the keys on the computer and I hear the click of the door opening.  Ri’s screams have stopped finally.

“Get up!  This is disgraceful, initiate.  Get it together!”  He shouts the words.  It’s enough to rouse my irritation at him.  I know I need to ignore that feeling since this _has_ to be part of the plan now, or at least it had better be.

“Shut up, Four!”  Ri’s shout fills the room, followed by the sound of skin forcefully striking skin before Ri stomps from the room.

Uriah chases after her, calling her name as he goes.  It takes a moment before Four stalks over to Lauren.

“Proceed with the fears.  Any other initiate who leaves without being dismissed will deal directly with me.”  Four practically growls before angrily stomping out of the room.

I switch my main feed over to the hallway and watch as Four purposefully strides after Ri and Uriah, who are walking together towards Max’s office.

“Tris, Uriah, wait a moment.”  Four is several paces behind them but catches up in a few moments once they stop.  As soon as he’s standing in front of Ri, he looks at her for several moments.  “Are you OK?”

“I’m fine, Four.”  Ri sounds un-phased despite the fact that I feel confident she’s actually still upset from what she just endured.

“OK.  We’ll talk about it later?”  Ri nods in response.  “Let’s get this over with before someone discovers what we’re up to.”

Uriah and Four agree on a spot where Uriah will keep watch for anyone who might pass by.  Ri and Four continue on, into Max’s office to being their search.  Four sits down at Max’s computer while Ri begins to search drawers and files on his desk.  I split the screen into quarters, bringing up the feeds for cameras in the closest hallways that lead to his office.  I begin my continuous scan of the four feeds, monitoring Ri and Four’s progress as well as any movement by any of the other cameras.

I check my watch—about five minutes have passed since they reached Max’s office.  They’d better find what they’re looking for soon.  Even with Max and Harrison out of the compound the likelihood of them being caught is still high and getting higher with every passing second.

“Hurry, hurry, hurry,” I find myself saying over and over as I helplessly watch them continue to search.

“Tris, I think I found something.  Come here.”  Ri stops her actions the moment she hears Four and wordlessly, she crosses the room to him.

“Oh my god.  Four, you know what this means.”  Ri and Four exchange a glace and a silent nod before Ri continues.  “We need to print it so we have it to show the others.”

Out of the corner of my eye I notice a quick motion.  My attention flicks over to the frame that holds Uriah where he’s standing as a look out in the nearby hallway.  A standard patrol—one of the guards that commonly patrols around the Leaders’ offices—comes around the corner and immediately approaches Uriah.

“Aren’t you an initiate?”  This is one of the few patrols that I don’t know so he would only vaguely recognize Uriah from any rounds he’d done during initiation this year.

“I am.  Uriah Pedrad is my name.”  My idiot brother holds out his hand for the patrol to shake.  No wonder he tested as Amity.

“Why are you here?”

“I’m looking for my sister. You might have heard of her—Tris, the top ranked initiate?”  The patrol looks back at Uriah with a blank expression.  “Short, blonde, stubborn for days?”  The patrol’s expression doesn’t change, making it obvious that Uriah’s friendliness does nothing to affect him, nor the description.

“What does that have to do with why you’re here, initiate?”

Uriah chuckles with an affect of nervousness.  “Sorry, she left our class during the fear landscape demonstration.  Our instructor—Four—followed to yell at her.  My brother, Zeke, is friends with him so I know how terrifying Four can be.  I just want to make sure that Four doesn’t fly off the handle at her too much.”

“I will take you to Four’s office directly.”  The patrol motions to Uriah to follow before walking down the hallway toward Four’s office, which happens to be in the opposite direction of Max’s office.

When they arrive, it’s clearly empty.  The patrol looks slightly irritated by their discovery.  The glare he gives Uriah would make most initiates wither but if notices it at all, he doesn’t indicate so.  Instead, he looks around the office with an amused face.

“Well, I guess they aren’t here, unless they’re very good at hiding.”

“No, they’re not here.  I need to make my rounds.  I’ll escort you out.”  The patrol’s voice is full of annoyance.

“I’ll go with you on your round.  That way I can look for Tris and if she’s not here, you can escort me out.  You won’t have to worry about me wandering around unattended.”

“Fine.”  The patrol huffs as he says it and promptly turns on his heel to leave.

“Where are we going first?”  Uriah asks it innocently but I know what he’s doing.

“We’re going down to Max and Harrison’s offices.”  The patrol doesn’t look at Uriah as he says it; instead, he continues to look straight ahead.

When I hear his words, I reach for the phone and punch the numbers for Max’s extension. On screen I see Four look over at the phone on Max’s desk as it rings three times.  I hang up and count to ten before I call again, just as Four and I had planned.  I watch on the screen as he picks the phone up on the third ring and waits silently.

“Four, Uriah and a patrol are headed your way.”

Immediately, he hangs up the phone and looks over to Ri, who has stopped everything and is intently staring at him.

“Patrol coming with Uriah.  Hide whatever we need quick before they get here.”  Ri folds a set of papers and slips them in her pocket while Four slips a file folder into the back waist of his jeans, pulling his shirt and jacket down over it to conceal it 

Faintly, the sounds of Uriah’s and the patrol’s voices come from down the hall.  Four must hear them as well because he quickly crosses the room and whispers something inaudible to Ri before leading her to the open space in the middle of the office.

“I don’t care what was in the landscape—there’s no excuse for you to leave training without permission.”  Four’s voice booms loudly as Ri stares at the floor in front of him.

Uriah and the patrol step into the doorway soon after Four speaks.

“Four, I found this initiate wandering around.  He claims that he’s looking for his sister.”  The patrol glances from Four to Ri and then back to Four, who now stands with his arms crossed, glaring at the patrol.

“Thank you, Wayne.  I’ll take care of it from here.  I found his sister in this hallway earlier after she left training and pulled her aside to explain to her that Dauntless rules apply to her, even if she is Natalie and Andrew Prior’s daughter.”  Four shoots Ri an icy glare for good measure to punctuate his sentence.

The patrol—Wayne, I guess—wears a look of surprise and sudden recognition.  I think he was a transfer initiate so he wouldn’t recognize Ri the way every Dauntless born does.  Despite that, the names Natalie and Andrew Prior would be recognizable to any transfer who’s been here for more than a year, especially one who patrols the leaders’ office area since there’s a small memorial set up for them in one of the common areas.

“Oh, I didn’t realize that that’s who she was.”  Wayne points at Uriah as he continues, “when he said his last name was Pedrad and that he was looking for his sister, I figured she had the same last name.”

“I do go by Tris Pedrad but I’m adopted.”  Tris offers the information quietly, still feigning that she’s nervous or scared of Four.

“Regardless of what her last name is or isn’t, the rules apply the same.  Now Wayne, if you want to leave her brother here, I’ll deal with both of them and escort them out.  There’s no need to put this in your report.”

Wayne nods immediately, recognizing that while Four may have made it sound like Wayne has choice, he really doesn’t.  He’s supposed to say yes.  “He would have been turned over to you anyway.”  Wayne turns and leaves as soon as he’s spoken.

I watch as Ri, Uriah and Four glance at each other in an uneasy silence for a few moments.  They must decide that Wayne is out of earshot after that because Uriah finally breaks the silence.

“Did you find it?”

“Yes, we have what we need.  Let’s go.”  Four leads Uriah and Ri out of Max’s office and down the maze of hallways toward the Control Room. 

I cross the room and open the door when I see them approaching on the monitor.  Silently they all enter and take seats around mine.  Four and Ri pull out the information from Max’s office and lay it on the table top.

“You took care of the cameras in here, Zeke?”  I know Four trusts me but has to ask the question to be sure anyway.

“Yes, they’re not recording; they’re running a loop of me watching monitors, just like the cameras you passed in the leader’s area only shows a loop of empty hallways.  If anyone watches the footage, they will assume that when Ri, Uriah and you left training that you must have gone somewhere that doesn’t have cameras or where they’re malfunctioning.  Since I disabled a few around the exit you used, that will be a good cover.”  I say the words, detailing the steps I took to execute the plan we had agreed on.

“Good.  Tris and I were able to get the information we need.” 

Four pushes one of the papers that Ri had stuffed in her pocket towards me.  I pick it up and start reading, quickly realizing that it’s the overview of the plan for the attack on Abnegation.  It’s essentially the key to stopping it.

“So they’re going to run the simulation from here?  The Control Room?”  While it makes sense that they would control the Dauntless from inside Dauntless, especially since we have all of the surveillance equipment, it still sends a shockwave of surprise through me.

“Yes.  And they’re going to start it at midnight.”  Four picks up the file folder he had taken and hands it to me.  “This seems to have the details of how many people will be involved in running the simulation. It also has information about the program itself.  I think I can figure out how to dismantle it by that night with what is in that file.  Since they’re not going to risk bringing the appropriate program file here until that night, we’ll need to essentially come and take over the Control Room that night and destroy the program before midnight.  Otherwise, most of our group will be mindless soldiers with the rest of the faction at midnight.  Only the Divergent will be immune to the serum.

“Those of us in the group who aren’t Divergent could just not get injected with the serum.  That way we buy ourselves some time in case we’re not successful by midnight.”  The fact that we have such a short window in which to stop all of this makes me nervous. 

“Ezi, what you’re suggesting would raise suspicion.  You, Lauren, Shauna and anyone else that helps us who isn’t Divergent would probably be killed.”  Ri has difficulty as she says the word ‘killed’ and I can tell it physically hurts her to speak of it.

“OK.  So that plan is out.”  I’m about to continue my train of thought when something that Ri said strikes me.  “Wait, why would it be OK for Amar and Four to be injected with the serum, Ri?”

Ri suddenly looks very alarmed at my words and she doesn’t immediately respond.  Instead, she looks over at Four with a guilty expression.  He only nods and looks over at me.

“Zeke, both Amar and I are Divergent, too.”  My mouth opens, words of anger and betrayal on the tip of my tongue.  Four, however, beats me to saying anything.  “I didn’t tell you because I didn’t want to put you in danger.  I suspect Amar felt similarly.  If someone suspected Amar or I were Divergent and thought that you knew, they’d torture you until you said something.  You not knowing was the best way to protect you.  The only reason why I know about Amar is because he helped me conceal my Divergence during initiation and has helped me with preparing Uriah and Tris for Stage 2.”

“So why did you tell both my sister and my brother but not me, Four?  You’re OK with putting their lives in danger?”

“He didn’t tell either of us, Ezi.  I just guessed.”  Well, Ri always was perceptive.  I nod, pacified by her words.

“The Erudite will be here starting at 9pm that night to prepare.  Max likely won’t come down to oversee anything until midnight.  I suggest we plan to infiltrate the Control Room at 11pm.  That way we have enough time to dismantle the program before it starts but we won’t risk discovery.  The Erudite aren’t going to have any guards and there won’t be many of them in order to not raise suspicion regarding their presence.”

“OK.  So 11pm we’ll take over the Control Room.  We should meet at my apartment at 9:30pm then,” I offer.

“Why your apartment?”  Four asks, confused by my suggestion.

“Because it’s less suspicious for me to have all of you over to my apartment than for you to have people to yours.  You never have people over and it would be awfully coincidental for you to start doing so that night.  I can at least claim I’m having a small party.”

“Should we add anyone else to our group?”  Uriah asks and I realize that it’s actually a good question.  With such a small group as what we have so far, it wouldn’t be hard for us to be subdued easily.  We at least need a few more.

“We should, but we should be careful who.”  Four responds in his instructor tone.  I hate it when he uses that tone in front of me.

“Lynn, Marlene, Christina, Will, Tori and Janet should all be included.  They’re all good fighters and we know we can trust them.”  Ri looks over to me, holding my gaze as she continues.  “And we need to tell Mom.  She deserves to know what we’re doing, especially since she’ll be home from the fence that day.  We will need her help and she would know who to trust, other than Janet, from the older Dauntless.”

“Ri’s right; we have to tell Mom.”  Uriah looks from me to Four as he speaks.  “I don’t think we can do this with just our group of friends.  We need more people and Mom knows who the right people would be.  Amar would have suggestions of other people we should include, too.”

“OK.  So Hanna and Amar will guide us on additional people to ask to support this plan.  As for the other people, Shauna should talk to Lynn.  Uriah, I trust you can talk to Marlene and Tris, you can speak with Christina and Will.  Amar can speak with Tori and Zeke and I will speak to Janet.”  Four looks around at each of us as he doles out our assignments.  He hesitates before continuing.  “We should not talk to any of the initiates until initiation is over—we can’t risk them potentially becoming factionless and knowing our plan.  It would make us too vulnerable.”

We all nod at Four’s instructions, effectively concluding our discussion.  All three of them exit without comment and I turn my attention back to the monitors.  I release the feeds I had previously isolated but  I find myself switching to feeds that show Four, Ri and Uriah as they walk.  Uriah separates from Ri and Four, heading back to the initiate dorm, I suppose.  After several paces, Four takes Ri by the elbow, stopping her midstride.  She turns to look at him.

“Are you OK, I mean, really OK?”  His voice cracks with concern, which is surprising even thought I know that he regards her as family.

“I’m fine.  I just…the landscape was…”

“I know.  I didn’t realize that was the fear Lauren assigned you until you were in it—as soon as she told me which one it was, I had her shut it down.”

“So why did you yell at me?”

“That was part of the plan, Tris.  Remember?  I was supposed to yell at you to give you a reason to storm out.”

“I know, but.”  I can hear her breath hitch.  She must be getting upset.  “But it felt real.”

“Tris, even if it wasn’t part of the plan, I _had_ to yell at you.  It’s what I would do with any initiate.  If I came over and consoled you and asked you if you were OK, the other initiates would never let you forget it . Then your rank would always be rumored to be due to my favoritism.”  Four steps closer to Ri as he speaks.  Something about their closeness bothers me but I can’t imagine why, since Four is practically a Pedrad like Amar is.

“We shouldn’t talk about this here.”  Ri offers suddenly.

Four nods before he takes her by the elbow again and leads her to a dead end hall.  I know there aren’t cameras there so I don’t bother flipping feeds.  Instead, I go back to the regular rotation of feeds but I barely notice anything happening in them.  My mind keeps replaying the interaction before Four and Ri.  It seems strange to me and all I can think is, _what the hell is going on?_

 

By the time I get done with my shift, Amar has returned with Max and Harrison and a group of Dauntless are gathering in the Pit.  When I spot Amar, I approach him, hoping to satisfy my curiosity 

“Amar, what’s with all of the people?”

“You know the initiate, Al—the one that attacked Ri last night?”  I nod at his question.  “He jumped into the Chasm today.  Max is holding the funeral in a few minutes.”

A cold wave of worry and surprise washes over me as I think of the interaction I watched between Al and Ri on the monitors this morning during breakfast.  He came to talk to her and she told him to go away.  I don’t blame her for it, either.  Knowing Ri, though, she’ll blame herself for his suicide because of it.  I wish I could go talk to her, dissuade her of that notion I know she’s having but I can’t since it would make it look like she’s too reliant on her family.

I look across the crowd, scanning it for her.  I finally see her standing with Uriah, looking sad but also angry.  Max is speaking and it distracts me momentarily as I wonder why she would look angry of all things.  When Max refers to Al as being brave for exploring the great unknown of death, I understand.  Even though I know they’re scripted words he always says, my chest tightens as I wish that I could offer her comfort and understanding right now but I know I can’t.  I settle for walking back to my apartment where I fall into a dreamless sleep.

The morning alarm comes too early but I pull myself out of bed when I hear it.  I have the day off but I need to get to the fear landscape room so I can watch Stage 3 with my fellow faction members.  Mom will be home later today—in time to see rankings—and she’ll want a full report on how the landscapes went.  I go through my morning routine but don’t rush, despite the fact that the first initiate should be entering their landscape in about twenty minutes.  Ri and Uriah will be at the end due to their ranks so I know I have some time to spare.

I debate cleaning my apartment in preparation for New Member Dare tonight, since it’s quickly becoming a tradition that it originates at my apartment.  I’ll have time between Stage 3 and rankings so I decide to put it off.  I’d rather see how the initiates do, anyway.  Hopefully Peter and Drew become factionless.  I feel confident, however, that Ri and Uriah will end up the top two no matter what.

That thought consumes my mind as I walk to the fear landscape room.  A huge crowd has already gathered and watches the screen that shows the initiate’s reaction as he or she navigates the fears.  The initiate in right now is a male transfer who I don’t recognize.  I only half pay attention as I make my way over to where Amar stands with Shauna.  He thrusts a flask into my hand when I reach him and I take a generous pull of its contents before embracing Shauna.

By the time Uriah enters the fear landscape, the crowd is about half the size it was when I arrived.  Many people have left to recuperate from their early day drinking before rankings are revealed tonight.  The remaining Dauntless are still quite tipsy but in good enough shape to stand and cheer.  The alcohol in my own system makes the world seem slightly fuzzy as I watch Uriah on the screen.

It takes about thirty minutes before he emerges from the fear landscape room.  The group erupts into cheers and congratulations.  He only had ten fears and his time was impeccable for that amount.  Uriah comes to stand with Amar and me, Marlene following him.  After he takes a drink from Amar’s flask, he turns to stand with his arm slung across Marlene’s shoulders so he can watch Ri go next.

My attention turns back to the fear landscape room and I see Ri stand to take her turn.  The crowd begins to cheer as she does so and I join ink, trying to make my voice audible over the raucous.  The door shuts behind her once she’s been injected with the serum so I turn to look at the screen.

I watch as she reacts in ear fear.  At times her face wears a look of panic but it’s always brief.  It never takes long for her to regain her composure.  When it appears as though she’s cleared three fears already, I look up to the clock keeping time above the screen and realize she hasn’t even been in the landscape for five minutes.  This is going extraordinarily fast; I can only hope it doesn’t cause anyone to wonder.

“Amar, she’s really fast.”  I can’t keep myself from making the remark to him.

“I know.  Max was telling me yesterday that her times have been record breaking throughout Stage 2.  He says she’s truly Dauntless.”  Amar raises his eyebrows at me as he replies.  I instantly understand what he’s telling me.

On the six the fear it appears as though she’s holding a gun up but not firing.  After a few moments she falls to the ground and the lights of the fear landscape room come back on.  It’s over.  Her time is only nine minutes and fifty-two seconds and she’s done.  She only had six fears—nearly a Dauntless record.  Max and Four walk into the room and see Four inject her with the serum as Max congratulates her.

“Six fears—that’s close to the record for least number of fears.  You have a very interesting sixth fear.”  Max makes a strange face at her that I can’t read.  He then makes the same face at Four.

“I don’t get to control what fears manifest in my landscape, I guess.”  Ri offers the reply with a shrug but I can see her beginning to blush.  Four looks uncomfortable as well.

“It was just an odd selection of people—that’s all.”  Max tries to make it sound casual but I can tell there’s more to it.  I don’t understand why Four is so uncomfortable, though.  It’s not like Max was criticizing him.

Finally, Max congratulates Ri one last time and allows Four to walk her out of the room.  The remaining crowd explodes with cheers that don’t stop even when he enters the crowd.  Everyone seems to want to hug her, congratulate her, offer her a drink and generally be a part of her moment of success.  To them, she is the legacy of Dauntless marching on into the future and they’re here to celebrate that passage with her.  Ri’s always been uncomfortable with being touched by anyone outside of the family so I’m amazed at how well she handles the vast quantity of unwanted contact. 

She finally appears before me and gets swept into a hug by Amar and then Uriah.  I patiently stand, waiting to the side as they do this.   When Ri pulls away from Uriah, she looks over to me and wastes no time before catapulting toward me.   I catch her in a firm embrace that lifts her from the ground.  I can’t help but wonder when exactly my baby sister grew up this much.

“Ezi, I’m so glad you’re here.”  Her words come out as a rush against my ear.

“Of course I’m here.  I wouldn’t miss this.”  I set her down and pull back so I can look at her.  “Congratulations for having one of the fastest times in Dauntless history, if not the fastest.”

“Thank you.”  She blushes for a moment before pulling out of my grasp and turning to face the rest of our friends and family.

Four stands a few feet away.  As soon as Ri turns and faces him, he steps toward us.

“I have to go meet with Max and Harrison to finalize ranks, but I wanted to congratulate both you and Uriah first.  Given your ranks in Stages 1 and 2, you both will almost certainly place as the top two.”

“Thanks for ruining the surprise, Four.”  Uriah calls out jokingly.

Four laughs at the comment and quickly sweeps Ri into a tight hug.  It lingers a little longer than what I would consider normal and I wonder if it has to do with Ri’s sixth fear.  Being a leader, Four would have seen the fear so he would know if it was something particularly difficult or traumatizing for her to face. 

Maybe I’m imagining it but I swear Ri quickly places a soft peck on Four’s cheek as they separate.  It must be the alcohol affecting me but a small, niggling doubt sounds in the back of my mind.  It becomes stronger as I watch Four awkwardly tell Ri he’ll talk to her later before he walks away.

Seriously, what the hell is going on?


	28. Four

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: A quick short chapter. If you missed it, yesterday there was also a new chapter so go read it before you read this one! :)

** Four **

People are cheering, dancing and crushing each other into hugs as I make my way through the pit toward where I saw Tris last.  The throng of celebrating Dauntless is thick as it always is for rankings and navigating it proves just as difficult as I remember, if not more challenging.  As I walk, I congratulate the initiates I see and shake hands with Dauntless members in various states of intoxication.  It takes a while but when I see Zeke I know I’m almost there.

I lay a hand on his shoulder and squeeze slightly when I get close enough.  The gesture is enough for him to turn.  When Zeke sees me he yells an excited greeting and pulls me into a quick hug.  When we pull back, he goes back to yelling and waving the bottle of alcohol in his hand.

“Can you believe it?!  My baby sister and stupid brother are the top two initiates!  This is unbelievable!”

“I know!  Congratulations, Zeke.  You and your mom must be proud.  I wanted to come congratulate them myself.”

“Yeah, yeah, of course!  You’ll have to fight your way through the crowd, though.  Even Max came over.” 

I glance around and realize that Zeke is right—Max is standing, talking to Tris happily.  It’s as if he never knew that Eric planned to kill her and did nothing until I forced his hand.  Rage at him boils up from the pit of my stomach but I push it away.  Now is not the time.  I spy Hana standing by, grinning at her two youngest children and can’t help but walk over to her and slide an arm across her shoulders.  I’m still not comfortable with physical contact with many people and certainly not women, but the Pedrads have always been an exception.  She looks up at me with her eyes full of unshed tears and gently places a motherly kiss on my cheek.

“You should be proud of them, Hana.  They’re amazing—both of them.”  She grins broadly at me.

“Thank you for protecting my darling twins, Four.”  I raise my eyebrows in question but realize that  _of course_  Hana knows they’re Divergent.   _Of course_  she knew Zeke’s request.  She might even have been the person who originally thought of it.

I shake my head slightly and lean down so I’m speaking directly into her ear.  “They protected themselves.  I wasn’t necessary, but thank you.”  As I straighten back up I see a smirk cross her face.

“I know that’s not entirely true, Four.  But you’re right—they are amazing.  I think you might mean that differently for each one of them, though.”  My brows knit in confusion at her statement until Hana quickly glances at Tris and back to me.  Her suggestive eyebrow waggle makes me chuckle despite myself.  I’m reminded where her children get their joking nature.

“Does everyone know already?”  I sight out and scrub my face with my free hand.

“No, but many of us who know you both have figured it out.” 

“Have all of the Pedrads figured it out?”  I don’t think I need to explicitly say Zeke’s name for Hana to know I’m really asking about her oldest son.

“No, but they’ll understand when you tell them, Four.”

“So it’s OK?”

“Of course it is.  It’s her decision anyway.”  Hana pulls me into a tight hug.  “He’ll only kill you if you break her heart.”  She says it as a statement; not a threat.  Clearly she has already deduced that me breaking Tris’s heart won’t ever be an option.  I nod at her as she releases me and then I turn to congratulate Uriah and finally go to Tris.

Time moves too quickly and too slowly all at once as I approach her.  Or maybe it’s just that my heartbeat is racing while my limbs don’t move fast enough for my liking.  Tris looks up at me when I’m just a stride away and her smile causes me to stop—a grin growing across my face.  I’m standing there, grinning and staring at her like an idiot.  I force my body out of its dumb stupor and close the space between us.  I slip my arms around her waist and pull her against me into a hug.  Her arms wind around my neck like a natural reflex and I pick her up, off the ground.  Her surprised laughter rings out and I close my eyes to take in this perfect moment and memorize it—the feel of her body against mine and her breath against my neck.  I want to cherish it.

“Congratulations.  You were amazing.  You a _re_ amazing.”  My lips graze her earlobe as I whisper the words to her.  I can feel the goose bumps spread across her neck and arms as I do so.

“Thank you.  Now put me down before someone notices.”  She quickly presses a light kiss below my ear before I carefully set her back on the ground.  I know a slight blush is creeping up my neck but we’re both laughing so I ignore it.

Out of the corner of my eye I notice Zeke staring at us.

“I think someone has already noticed.”  I whisper it to her.  She simply raises her shoulder in a shrug.

“Ri!  Four!”  Zeke is now facing the two of us with a hand on each of our shoulders.  “You’re both coming to the game of Dare tonight, right?”

“Ezi, you know I’m coming.  Dauntless tradition and all.”  Tris rolls her eyes as she says it.  They’ve clearly had this conversation more than once.

“It is!”  Zeke happily exclaims.  “And this year you get to participate since you’re actually a member!”  Tris nods and then gets pulled away by one of the Dauntless members to receive more congratulatory remarks.

“How about you, Four?”  Zeke looks at me and I frown.  Dare is one of the few traditions I take part in and Zeke knows it.

When I first came to Dauntless we did it during initiation and it was what first made me really feel like I belonged there.  My first year as an instructor the tradition moved to it being held after rankings and I enjoyed seeing the new Dauntless members be brought in to the fold entirely.  Besides, being the Dauntless member with the least number of fears makes it more entertaining.  Zeke knows I’ll go.

“Of course, Zeke.  You know it’s one of the traditions I never miss.”  He smiles and slaps me on the back.  Something about that exchange makes me nervous.  I think I know what it is.


	29. Tris

** Tris **

Right now, as I’m trying to escape the grasps of several Dauntless members, I wish that my faction wasn't so comfortable with touching others.  Maybe it’s the Abnegation part of my Divergent brain coming out right now that makes me feel that way.  As long as I can remember I have felt uncomfortable with being touched by anyone outside of my family and friends.

Once everyone has finished crushing me into hugs, Christina pulls me back to the initiate dorm to change before we have to meet up with everyone else for Dare.  I try to protest, telling her that it’s just Dare; not a date, but then Lauren, Shauna, Lynn and Marlene are there insisting.  Right about then I’d rather have to fight Peter and Eric than argue with the five of them.

Shauna and Lauren are already dressed like they’re going to a party—their hair and makeup is even done.  Their appearance makes me think that my earlier proclamation that I didn’t need to dress up for Dare was apparently incorrect.  Since they’re both ready, they focus their attention on helping Christina, Marlene and I. And by that, I mean they mostly focus on me.  Christina and Lauren argue over what outfit I should wear and Shauna curls my hair.  Briefly, I wonder if this is what having sisters would have been like.

Lauren must have won the argument with Christina because she walks over to me and hands me a pair of black form-fitting pants and a black strapless top with a lace overlay.

“Here, put this on.

“Uh, Lauren, what am I supposed to wear under this shirt?  There aren’t straps?”  Christina tosses a black, strapless bra at me and I flush.

“Zeke, Uriah and Amar may have taught you to fight but there were a few things they couldn’t teach you, weren’t there, Tris?”  Shauna asks as she finishes the last curl.

“Really, Four and Amar taught me how to fight.  Regardless, though, I never want to talk to any of my brothers about their knowledge of women’s underwear.”  All of them erupt into laughter at that.  Marlene exchanges an awkward look with Shauna but I ignore it.

“Go get dressed and then I’ll finish your hair.”  Shauna taps my arm when she says it and I rise to change clothes.  Marlene hops into the chair as soon as I get up and asks Shauna to quickly fix her hair.

Once I am dressed Shauna fusses with my hair for a few more minutes until she decides it’s done.  Finally I look in a mirror in the bathroom.  The person staring back at me looks like me but very different than I remember my reflection looking a few weeks ago.  I’ve always been toned with a small frame but the way the clothes hug me show off the definition my muscles have further gained through initiation.  The additional pounds of muscle make me appear forceful, formidable and older.  I like it.  The shirt shows off that even my shoulders and arms are strong and well defined.  The low cut of it accentuates the three ravens I had tattooed on my collar bone yesterday to symbolize both the family members I’ve lost and the ones I’ve gained.  My hair cascades down my back and over my shoulders in gentle waves that Shauna created.

Lauren walks up behind me.

“You look stunning.” 

It’s funny to hear her say that since she’s one of the prettiest women I’ve seen up close.  She represents one of the things I’ve never understood about Dauntless—how the women can be capable of potentially killing 90% of the city in hand-to-hand combat yet still wear makeup, curl their hair and even wear heels at times.  In a few days the women in this room will be fighting to ensure that an entire faction doesn’t get destroyed. Right now we’re all pushing that aside.  Anyone who looked in this room right now would just see a group of teenage girls getting ready for a party; not warriors who will have to protect the city.  The incongruence has always puzzled me. 

“I don’t know about stunning.  Maybe just noticeable.”  Lauren smiles at me for a moment.

“Here, let me do something.”  She grabs Christina’s bag of makeup and comes back to stand in front of me.  She’s taller than I am so I can’t see the mirror to know what she’s doing.  “There,” she says and steps back.  She eyes me like I’m her best work.

She’s lined my eyes with eyeliner and added mascara to my lashes.  The result is an improvement.  It offers a contracts to my grey-blue eyes that draws attention to them, making them stand out.

“Almost perfect.  You just need these,” Christina drops a pair of black flats in front of me and I put them on.  “And you need this,” she helps me put on a simple, black, collarless jacket.  “Plus you need just a touch of lipstick.”  Christina turns my face toward her and quickly dabs lipstick to my lips.  She tells me to rub them together and I obey.   I’m glad to see that the color isn’t too bright but just slightly highlights my mouth and makes my lips appear a bit fuller.

“How am I supposed to jump on and off a train in these shoes?”  My question was technically asked to Christina but I offer it to the whole room.

“I’ve done it dozens of times, Tris.  You’ll be surprised how easy it is.  Just curl your toes as you jump if they feel like they’ll slip off.”  Lauren offers from a few feet away.

“Thanks.  I’ll have to remember that.”

“Nice tattoo, by the way.  Are those Ravens?”  Lauren inquires.

“Yes.”

“Why three?”

“One for Mom, one for Ez- Zeke and one for Uri.”  My answer is simple but I find it embarrassing to admit.  A lot of Dauntless have tattoos but a lot of them don’t have much meaning.  Lauren smiles warmly at it, though.

“I like that.  You show them yet?”

“No, I just got it yesterday.”

“Zeke is going to love it."

“I know.”

Christina rolls her eyes at our exchange.  “Screw your brother.  I’m more interested in what this guy you like will do when he sees you tonight.  He’s going to be there, right?”

“There’s a guy?”  Lauren quirks an eyebrow at me and smirks.

“Yes, there’s a guy.  She keeps sneaking off with him and won’t tell me who he is.  It’s driving me crazy!”  Christina answers before I can.  “Seriously, Tris, he’s going to be there tonight, right?”

“She should be.”  I’m blushing a bit even though the idea of Tobias looking at me fills with excitement instead of embarrassment or fear.  I feel like the time before we are together again won’t come soon enough.

“Well, he’s going to be knocked out by how great you look.”  Lauren adds and winks at me.  I feel like she knows something; that she’s figured it out.  I don’t know how, though.

“I just want to figure out who he is.”  Christina pouts.

“Maybe we should play Candor or Dauntless tonight instead of Dare.  Then you could just ask her.”  Marlene offers from across the room.

“Alright, we need to get going, ladies.  Everyone will be at Zeke’s apartment in the next ten minutes.”  Lauren announces it and she sounds like she’s gone back to being our instructor again.

We’re primped and ready to go so we head out toward Ezi’s apartment.  Sometime in the past two years Ezi has become the legend of Dauntless parties so New Member Dare is held at his apartment.  It always ends up wandering around the city, though.  It just starts here.

We walk in without knocking since we know the door is unlocked.

“Zeke!”  Shauna calls out into the surprisingly empty space and my obviously inebriated brother comes walking toward us.

“Hello, ladies!”  He exclaims enthusiastically.  “Hello, gorgeous.”  He addresses Shauna with a slightly sloppy kiss.  “Go ahead and take your coats off for a few.  A lot of people won’t be here for a bit.  Somehow the time got messed up.  So make yourselves comfortable and grab a drink.”  Zeke wanders through our group and gives each of us a hug.

“Hey, Ezi, I see you’re happily on your way towards drunk.” 

I smile at him and his face lights up.  Suddenly he throws me over his shoulder, ignoring my shrieks to put me down.  He walks further into his apartment and sets me down in the middle of the main room where about ten Dauntless members are standing.

“Attention, everyone!”  The conversations around us stop and everyone stares at us.  “Our top initiate—my amazing sister, Tris—has arrived!” 

Everyone starts cheering and I hear a few people yell my name.  Uriah walks over to us and the three of us hug for a moment as people yell both Uriah’s and my names.

“Geez, Tris, running off somewhere?”  Uriah looks at my coat.  “You can take your coat off and stay a while.  It’s just Zeke’s apartment, you know.”

“Oh, yeah.  I didn’t get a chance because this guy over here hijacked my entrance.”  I pull my jacket from my shoulders and Uriah takes it, trading me it for a drink.  “Thanks.”  It’s my only response before I tentatively taste the drink laced with sugar and alcohol.

“Ri, you got a tattoo?”  Zeke asks.  His words come out slightly sluggish.

“Yeah, I did.”

“What type of birds are those?”  Uriah asks.  I’m glad he doesn’t ask if they’re crows.

“Ravens.”

“Why there?”  Uriah asks but I’m sure he’s already figured it out.

“One for each member of my family.”  Ezi looks at me for a moment, hopeful but also nervous.  “Mom and the two of you.”  For a quick second I think Ezi is going to cry but it passes and instead he crushes me to him in a hug.  Uriah wraps his arms around both of us and I’m smashed in the middle.

“You’re the most thoughtful, sweet and brave sister in the world, even if you’re a ridiculous pain in the ass sometimes.”  Ezi says quietly.

“And you’re the best big brother ever, even if you’re an ugly asshole.”  I respond, squeezing him tighter to keep my voice even.

“And I’m the beautiful one.”  Uriah adds and Ezi playfully slaps him upside the head.  I start laughing and they both do as well.

“You’re a ridiculous idiot even if you are the second ranked initiate.”  Ezi says it with a chuckle.

“Pedrad pile!”  Amar calls out and suddenly people are jumping on to us—some joining in the group hug and some trying to jump on top of everyone.  The result is a lump of tangled limbs that crashes to the floor.

People start struggling and stumbling to get up and extract themselves from the group.  I pull my arm out from under Ezi and roll my wrist around to work the soreness out of it.  I push myself up and turn to pull Ezi up and then Uriah.

“Good thing we have you around to save us, Ri.”  Ezi smiles and then wanders over to help Shauna up.

“OK, no more sentimental moments, Pedrad twins.”  Lauren sounds like an instructor again.  I can’t help but laugh at it.

“Zeke started it.”  I put my hands up in surrender.

“Good point.  Zeke, no more sappy shit.”  Lauren gives Ezi the same withering look she gave us the first day of training.

“Yes, ma’am.”  Ezi feigns a scared shudder.

Christina has come over and is fussing with my hair.  I try to brush her away but it doesn’t work.

“Come on, Tris.  You messed you hair up and I have to fix it in case that guy is here.”

“’That guy’?”  Uriah asks it and I can tell that he’s suppressing a laugh.

“The guy Tris likes.  She won’t tell me who it is but he’s supposed to be here tonight.  Do you know who it is, Uriah?”

“No.”

“You’re lying.  You blink faster when you lie.”

“I’m not lying.”

“Yes you are.  You know.”  Uriah glances at me, silently asking for permission and I nod.

“Fine.  I know."

“Is he here?”  Just then about ten people walk in.  Tobias is among them as well as most of my initiate class.  Uriah notices it but doesn’t pull Christina’s attention to them.

“Yes.”

“Who is it?”

“I can’t tell you that.”

“He’ll never tell you, Christina.”  Ezi chimes in now from across the room.  He won’t even tell me.  It’s part of their sacred twin bond.”

Christina pouts for a minute but then sighs.  “Well, I’m going to look around and see if I can figure out who it is.  I’ll be back.”

She leaves but then I notice Tobias walking over toward us.  I meet his eyes and smile at him as he approaches.  He stops in front of Uriah and me.

“Four, glad you’re here.”  Uriah pulls him in for a tight hug.

“Me too.  You two seem to have cleaned up well.  You wouldn’t think that you’ve both been beating others bloody recently.”  All three of us chuckle at the comment.  “Congratulations again, Uriah.  You’ve done a great job.”

“Thanks, Four—for everything."

Tobias shifts his focus to me and steps over so he’s standing directly in front of me.  “Congratulations, Tris.  I think you broke at least one Dauntless record in each stage.”

“Really?"

“Yes.”  
  
“Whose records were they?”

“Some were mine and some belonged to a woman named Natalie Prior.”  Four says it softly so only Uriah and I can hear.  I know my face must look shocked but Tobias doesn’t let on.

“Wow, I had no idea.”

“I hear Max will be talking to you about becoming a leader-in-training.  It will be a great compliment to your skills.  Congratulations.”

“Thank you, Four.”

He opens his arms and I step forward into the hug, slipping my arms comfortably around his neck.  His arms wrap tightly around my waist.  I breathe his scent in deeply.  All of this feels so familiar; so right.  I bury my face in his chest, not wanting to acknowledge anything other than him and how this feels.

“You look absolutely beautiful.”  He whispers it in my ear. 

The feel of his breath on my neck and his lips brushing my earlobe sends a shiver down my spine.  I smile into his chest and I know he felt both because he presses a quick kiss to the top of my neck, behind my ear.  I know it was risky for him to do with so many people around and with very few distractions.  Tobias must realize it because he quickly pulls back and announces he’s going to find a drink.

“If you don’t want Zeke to find out, you’re not doing a good job at hiding it.”  Uriah’s whisper to me comes out harsh a moment after Tobias’s departure.

“I know.  I know.”  I look at him as I whisper back.

“You need to tell him, Ri.  He’s going to find out by the end of the night.”

I squeeze my eyes shut.  “I know.  I just don’t know how to tell him, Uri.”

“Well, you better figure it out.  You both are sober and already mooning over each other.  It’s only going to be worse after a few drinks.”

“I know.  I. Know.  Why does this have to be so difficult?”

“It doesn’t have to be, Ri.  Zeke will understand.  He trusts Four and he loves you.  It will be fine—Zeke is a big boy.”

“Uri, you don’t need to tell me that."

“I do because even if you know it, you’re not acting like you know it.”

“Uri, it’s easy for you.  Ezi doesn’t want to murder every girl who looks at you.”

“Zeke only wants to murder people who hurt you.  You take care of yourself well enough though.  Ri, if you don’t tell him by the end of Dare, I’ll make sure he knows.  It’s time.”

“OK, Uri.  I get your point.  Geez, you get testy when we don’t have enough twin time.”

“You always knew I was high maintenance.”  Uriah flashes a smile at me as what I suspect is the last round of Dauntless members arrives.  Sure enough, Ezi walks to the middle of the room, steadier than he was earlier.

“Alright, everyone!  Now that everyone is here, I’d like to welcome you to a newer Dauntless tradition: the annual post-initiation game of Dare.  Every year we welcome our newest members to our faction by getting you drunk and making you do dangerous things.”  People cheer across the room.  “While it’s open to all members of Dauntless you’ll notice that the people around you are mostly from the last few initiation classes and, of course, your instructors.”  People hoot and holler for Lauren and Tobias then so they both wave awkwardly to the group. 

“So here are the rules: every person will be dared to do something at least once by the end of the night.  When you are dared to do something you have two choices: take a drink of alcohol and do the dare or, if you don’t want to do the dare, you take a drink of alcohol and take off an article of clothing.  Shoes and socks don’t count.”

“What do you get if you do the dare?”

“To not be called a pansycake by everyone.”  Lauren shouts before Ezi can and everyone laughs at the ferocity of her response.

“Who’s first?"

Uriah, of course, raises his hand.  “Me!”

“Oh, my kid brother outshines my sister!  Burn, Tris!”

“Nah, I just know you make up lame dares, Ezi.”  I retort quickly, knowing that I won because he hates it when I call him Ezi in front of anyone not related to us.  There’s a quiet chuckle that ripples through the group.

“Alright, alright, Ri.  Don’t make me tell stories about you as a child.”  My face reddens because I know exactly what story he’d tell.  I make a motion with my hand to show that I’m zipping my lips.

“Anyway, Uriah, you have to streak through the Erudite library.”

“Gladly.”  Uriah walks through the room, grabbing his jacket and opening the door.  The rest of us follow suit, knowing that we’re headed for the train.

“Nice tattoo.”  IT would startle me if the voice saying it behind me wasn’t familiar.  I turn and see Tobias’s smirk.

“Thanks.”

“Did Zeke like it?”

“Yeah, you missed the group hug that turned into a pile that followed.  Apparently, getting raves to symbolize my family mad him sentimental.”

“Zeke is a surprising guy.”

“Hey, Ri, stop lollygagging!”  Ezi yells it from the front of the crowd so I wave at Tobias and push through everyone until I am next to Ezi.

“You’re so demanding sometimes,” I joke at him when I reach him.  I start to pull on my jacket so Ezi quickly reaches over to help me.

“I’m allowed to be demanding.  I’m your brother.”  He chuckles and winks at me before throwing an arm across my shoulders.

“Careful, Ezi.  If I become a Dauntless leader I can exact revenge on you however I want.”  Ezi rolls his eyes.

“Are you joking?  That will just mean that you’ll protect me from the entire city.  That’s what I’m counting on.”

“I’m already protecting you, Ezi.  I’ve been a better fighter than you for a while.”  As soon as the words are out, I regret them.

“I know.”  It’s such a soft response I almost miss it.  “My baby sister grew up and now she doesn’t need me.”

“I wouldn’t say that, Ezi.”  I wrap an arm around his waist and lean my head against my shoulder.  “I’ll always need my big brother.  It’ll just be in a different way.”  

The conversation could continue but now we’re at the tracks and I can see the train approaching.  Instead, I excuse myself and run over to where Uriah and Marlene are standing.  Right before I reach him I jump and he catches me, throwing me over his shoulder.  I think he’s going to set me down when the train is mere feet away but instead he begins to run with me still over his shoulder.  I instinctively wrap my arms around his waist because I know he won’t put me down until we’re on the train.  I feel him let go of me to reach up and grab on to the rail and hoist us up and on to the train in one graceful move.  He sets me down and we high five, practically collapsing with laughter. 

When Marlene grabs on to the rail, he reaches a hand out and pulls her in to the car and straight into his embrace.  I back away and lean against the back wall.  People may think that we’re inseparable at all times, but Uriah and I long ago learned when to give each other space.  Christina and Will join me a couple minutes later and we start discussing what jobs we want to select as the rest of the Dauntless members jump on board.  I cringe when I see Peter approaching us.

“Well, well, well, Tris, you actually look like you might be more than thirteen.”  He announces it loudly and I don’t need to look to know everyone’s paying attention.

“Unfortunately, you still look like a asshole.”  Laughter erupts across the car.  Peter’s face is bright red—a mix of embarrassment and anger.

“Peter, you should know by now that my sister will win in a battle of wits—she grew up with the best.  Your face has already learned that she’ll win the battle of fists.”  Ezi calls it out.  While I know he means it to sound joking, it comes out colder than he intended, I’m sure.  It doesn’t matter because the effect is that Peter just throws an angry glance at me and walks away.

The next thing I know. People begin jumping from the train.  As the crowd thins, I move toward the door and prepare to jump.  There’s a commotion behind me and Tobias grabs Peter by the collar and kicks Peter’s legs out from under him.

“You do  _not_  push another member from a moving train  _ever_.”  Tobias angrily growls it as he scowls down at Peter.

I jump from the train so I don’t see the rest.  It takes a couple steps before I feel completely steady and I take off running with everyone else.  Surprisingly, my shoes don’t get lost in the run to Erudite.

Uriah strips down just outside the Erudite headquarters as people continue to arrive. Because my brother has never met attention that he didn’t love, he makes a show of throwing each piece of clothing to Marlene.  I cover my eyes as Uriah gets down to his boxers.  When I hear Uriah begin yelling I know that he’s turned to run inside and it’s safe to look again.  He turns into a distant blur behind book stacks as we see him run through the first part of the library.  When he reaches the middle we start running to the back door of the building to meet him when he comes out.

Tobias catches up to me and bumps my hip with his once we’ve slowed to a walk.  I look over at him, eyes bright and cheeks flushed with excitement and exertion.

“Thanks for stopping Peter back there.”

“Don’t worry about it.  He’s lucky you didn’t catch him first, given what I’ve seen you do to him before.  You’re tougher than I am.”  I roll my eyes at his comment.

A cheer erupts from the crowd gathered and I begin to turn to see what’s happening.  Before I can figure out what is going on, the world goes black as his hand clamps down over my eyes and he pulls me to his chest.  The cheering dies down but it’s about half a minute before Tobias finally speaks.

“OK, he has his pants on now,” is all he says before he releases me.

“I can say that’s the first time anyone has said that to me,” I joke as we walk over to stand at the front of the Dauntless crowd to stand next to Ezi and Amar.

“Their faces were hilarious!”  Uriah shouts it as he pulls his shoes on. 

He stands back up to tug his shirt over his head.  Just then the back doors to the library open and two Erudite boys my age come out.

“All of you Dauntless, get out of here.”  He points to Uriah.  “You, though, are coming with us.”

Uriah laughs at them.  “Or what?  You’re going to throw a book at me?”  The two of them shift closer to him and a third Erudite comes out to join them.

Tobias walks over to where Uriah is and stands with his arms folded formidably, turning into Four the Instructor/Leader.  I don’t catch the first part of what he says because a shock of recognition goes through me.  The third Erudite is older than the others—he’s twenty-two to be exact.  I only know him from pictures but it’s enough to recognize my brother, Caleb Matthews.

“It’s him.  It’s my brother.”  I don’t notice that I’ve whispered it until Ezi looks over to me.

“I know it’s Caleb.”  His words sound sad and I know this is all of his fears come to life—Uriah potentially getting hurt and me choosing Caleb over him when give the option.

“It’s Dauntless initiation.  Go back inside before our newest members show you what they’ve learned during their training.”  Four’s voice is low and quiet. I can tell the two younger Erudite are affected by it the way everyone is.  Caleb flinches for a moment but recovers a look of indifference.  He steps in front of Four, separated by about four feet of space.

“It’s the legendary Four: The Dauntless Prodigy and Leader.  It’s funny.  I thought you’d be taller.”  Caleb is putting on a good show of arrogance but I can tell he’s truly terrified of Four.

“And you’re…oh wait, no one knows who you are,” Four snaps back.  Caleb feigns a confident laugh.

“You Dauntless scum never know how to leave a fight.  This Dauntless broke Erudite code of conduct.  We’re taking him in for questioning and punishment.”  Caleb walks over to Uriah.

“He’s Dauntless.  Only Dauntless leaders have the authority to punish Dauntless members.  Jeanine knows this.”  Four doesn’t move as he addresses Caleb.

“And you and the other Dauntless leaders can remind her of that after we take him in.”  As soon as I hear Caleb speak, my feet carry me at a run to them.  I slow to a stop and place myself in front of Caleb, part of me in his path to Uriah.

“For being an erudite, you really are an idiot,  _Caleb._ ”  As I look up at him, I see recognition cross his eyes quickly.  Standing this close to him, I can see the subtle similarities in our looks beyond just the lightness of his hair.  “You try to pick a fight with not just Four but also my brother, Uriah.  And when you pick a fight with my brother, you’ve picked it with me.”

“And who are you; other than a scrawny girl?”

Four guffaws at the question.  “She’s right: you are an idiot.  There’s barely anyone who doesn’t know Tris—not only is she our top initiate, but she’s been a Dauntless legend practically since birth since both of her parents were Dauntless leaders.  She’s already broken most Dauntless records, including many of mine.  Even I know not to fight her; especially when one of her brothers is being threatened.”

Caleb’s eyes never leave mine.

“What?  Are you really going to hit me,  _Tris_?”  He hisses my name and I feel a shudder go through me.  “Is that what you’ll do?”  He begins to bring a foot forward and I step toward him, shifting so we’re squared off. 

“You take one more step toward  _my brother_  and I’ll break your snotty, Erudite nose.”

“Step aside, Tris.”  Caleb moves forward and I step toward him, slamming my arms into him, pushing him back.

“Caleb?”  I pause for a moment, waiting for him to make eye contact with me.  Then I step forward, grab his shirt and pull back to punch him.  “Go to hell.”  My fist slams into his nose.  I hear the sickening crunch of his cartilage and immediately know it’s broken.

Blood sprays out from his face and I jump out of the way.  Christina would kill me if I messed up my look with blood.  Caleb falls to the ground and I kick him in the stomach.  He lurches back and as I’m about to kick again, a tug on my elbow stops me.  I look over to Tobias shaking his head at me.

Instead of continuing, I glare at the other Erudites.  “Shouldn’t you two pansycakes get inside?”  They glance at each other and run back into the building.

A cheer goes up in the crowd and Uriah hugs me.

“You’re my hero!”  He shouts, jokingly.

“Let’s get out of here!”  Ezi yells and everyone takes off running, except Tobias and me.

“You OK?”  Tobias asks, running a hand down my arm.  I nod.

“Let’s get out of here.”  Tobias takes my hand and kisses it.

“OK.”  We turn to start following the group.

“Him?  You’re dating Four, Tris?”  His voice is raspy and nasally due to his broken nose.  I stop and turn back to face Caleb.

“That’s none of your business.  None of my life is.” 

“Is that all you have to say to me?”

I stand for a few moments and try to look like I’m pondering a response.  I cross over to him and crouch at his side.  He looks up at me, his eyebrows raised.

“There is one more thing: tell Aunt Jeanine she can go to hell, too.”  I stand back up and jog over to where Tobias is waiting.

Even though the rest of the group left significantly earlier than we did, we know we’ll still catch up with them at the train tracks.  While we’re still far enough away from the tracks to be concealed in the darkness, Tobias reaches out and takes hold of my arm to stop me.  I turn to face him, our hands find each other’s instantly.  He looks down at them with his brows furrowed.

“Your hands are dirty.”  I look down as well and notice the remnants of Caleb’s blood on them.  “Christina will be upset with you if you ruin her hard work with his blood.”  He smirks as he takes the hem of his shirt in his hand and uses it to clean the blood from my hands.

“Thank you.”  I instinctively lean into him, allowing us a moment together with my head pressed against his chest.

He places a soft kiss on the top of my head.  “Are you OK?”  His words come out muffled, obscured by my hair.

“I’m fine.”  I’m not sure if that’s the truth or not, but I hope it is.  Either way, I feel a groan rising in my chest as Tobias pulls away, letting me know it’s time to join the others at the tracks.

When Tobias and I stroll up together, Uriah raises an eyebrow at us.

Lynn yells out, “hey, where were you two?”  I’ve never liked Lynn and now I like her even less.

“I had to keep Tris here from killing the Erudite when he got smart with her.”  Tobias replies with a chuckle.  It’s not entirely a lie.  The train comes quickly and we’re caught up, running and jumping on.

“Alright, who’s next?  Hmmm…”  Uriah stands in the middle of the car, looking around.  “Greg!”  He yells to a member I don’t recognize and I tune out as Uriah gives him his dare.

The game continues for a couple hours and people get significantly drunker.  The game rounds over to Ezi, who is dared to climb the Ferris Wheel at Navy Pier, oddly enough.  When he returns to the ground, he stops to consider who should go next.  He’s been acting so oddly today that I realize this is the first time in my life that I really have no idea what he’s going to do.

“Four!”  He shouts.  His face wears a smile but his eyes look uncharacteristically hard and it’s enough to make me feel a cold twinge of concern.

“Zeke?”  Four stands with his arms crossed, face impassive as always.

“Hmmm…what do I dare the guy who has almost no fears?  Oh!”  His face lights with an idea but his tone is a bit too bright and I get the feeling that what he’s about to suggest isn’t exactly an idea that  _just now_  came to him.  “You’ve never done this—I dare you to zip line!”  While Ezi may not have ever seen Tobias’s fear landscape, they’ve been friends long enough that it’s possible Ezi has figured out that he always skips zip lining due to his fear of heights.  Tobias’s face goes slightly pale but I know he’ll do it because to not do it would announce is fear to everyone.

“OK, Zeke.”  Four responds and we make our way to the Hancock building once Tobias has taken a drink from the flask.

All of us go to the end of the zip line to catch him, except Zeke and Uriah, who go with Tobias.  I look at the group as we’re waiting and am struck by how all of this feels like home.  I spent so many years learning to be Dauntless but not quite feeling like I always belonged.  Tobias comes hurtling down the line in complete silence with a stony look on his face.  We catch him when he drops.  As we’re setting him down, I notice that his pinky is shaking just slightly.  He shakes his head a bit.

“That’s it?”  He jokes and people laugh.  His secret is safe.  “OK, so Christina, you’re next.”  Christina looks shocked and worried.

“Oh no, you’ve seen my fears, Four!  This isn’t fair!”  Four chuckles and dares her to scale a nearby building.  It’s older and made of brick.  She takes a drink from the flask he throws her and then takes off.

We all stand in front of the building as Chris climbs.  Once she gets to the top floor, she disappears into a window.  After about twenty seconds, Chris appears at the front door and shouts go up.

“OK, let’s go back to the train!  I need a moment to think.”  We run through the street quietly and climb up on the train tracks just in time to catch one.

“I know who’s next.”  Chris stands in the middle of the cart.  She has to shout over the noise to be heard, not that that’s a challenge for her.  “Tris!”  Everyone cheers and Chris walks to me.  She smiles and winks before she starts yelling again.  “Tris likes someone and I’m dying to know who.  So, Tris, you have to go kiss whoever this guy is.”

My heart drops to my stomach—this isn’t the way I want Ezi to find out.  I know some people would understand if I didn’t want to do it.  A lot of people would think this isn’t a difficult Dare and the word ‘pansycake’ would be uttered every time I walk by for a while, but I know it wouldn’t last forever.  I think about just being a coward and taking off my jacket.  Tobias catches my eye and I see him nod just slightly so Ezi, who’s standing next to him, doesn’t notice.  I know he’s telling me it’s OK with him if I do it but I’m still not sure.  I look back to Christina.

“Well?”  She asks.  “Are you going to be a pansycake?”

“Be brave, Tris,” Amar calls out to me.  Everyone chuckles a bit as they watch what I’ll do.

I stride across the car with purpose and stop inches from Tobias.  I put my hand on the back of neck to pull him down to me and his hands slide around my waist just before my lips crash into his.  A round of hoots, whistles and cheers erupt.  It continues as we kiss.  It takes me a few moments to remember Ezi is right next to us.  I pull back and see Ezi wearing a slightly hurt expression.

“You didn’t think to tell me the guy you like is my best friend, Tris?”

“I’m sorry, Ezi.  I didn’t know how.”  His face stays the same for a little bit and then he seems to come to a conclusion.

He looks at Tobias, “that wasn’t the first time you’ve kissed my sister, is it, Four?”  Tobias shakes his head.  “She’s the one you’ve been falling for and you didn’t bother to tell me?”

“I’m sorry, Zeke.  I know I should have.”  Tobias doesn’t let go of me as he says it. 

Zeke thinks for several seconds.  They feel like an eternity.  “OK.  Well, you’re my best friend so I guess I trust you.”   His response was too easy.

We’re coming up on the Dauntless compound and we jump out on to the roof.  Once we’re all there, I walk with Tobias, Amar, Ezi, Shauna, Uriah, Marlene, Christina and Will.  We’re walking much slower than the rest of the group and are the last to reach the ledge where the rest of the group has jumped down into the net.  Ezi stops Tobias just before the door and the rest of us stop as well.

“You guys go ahead.  I need to talk to Four.”  Ezi says it too cheerfully to be believable.

Everyone but Ezi, Tobias, Amar and I leave after exchanging a nervous glance with me.  Amar stands a few steps away, clearly trying to give us privacy but also remaining close enough to jump in any moment.  “Ri, I need to talk to Four alone.” Ezi looks over at me with the stern look he’d give me when we were kids.  It hasn’t worked on me since I was ten but it’s the best he’s got.

“Ezi, there’s nothing you can say to him that I shouldn’t hear.”

“Like that was a lying asshole for not telling me that he was seeing my sister behind my back?”

“Ezi, he didn’t say anything because I didn’t want him to.  It was my choice.  If you’re going to be mad at someone, be mad at me.”

Ezi looks at me sadly.  “Why didn’t you tell me, Ri?”

“I don’t know.  I wanted to protect you from possibly destroying your friendship.  You’re so protective and the longer I didn’t tell you the longer I didn’t have to deal with it.”  My irritation is rising as I say it, which seems out of place.

“You’re my little sister, Ri!  I’m supposed to protect you!”  Ezi is shouting now, his arms flailing wildly in exasperation and anger.  It only serves to make me angrier and I realize that this is the fight that has been coming for a while now.

“I don’t need your protection!  Why don’t you understand that?” 

“I know!  You haven’t needed my protection since we were children.  I mean, I couldn’t even protect you or Uriah tonight against your brother—your  _real_  brother!  You protected both of you and I stood by, useless!  What does that say about me?”  His face doesn’t show anger but also pain and I notice for the first time that his eyes are glistening in the dim light.

Without hesitation, I step toward him and throw my arms around him, pinning his arms to his sides.  I lean the side of my head against his chest, able to hear the fast pace of his heartbeat.

“Stop it!  Just stop all of this!”  I tighten my grip on him.  His body stiffens slightly when I shout.  “ _You’re_  my real brother, Ezi.  Caleb left and didn’t look back.  You’re the one who was always there for me.  You’re the one who gave up half of your bed to me when I got scared during a thunderstorm.

I feel the vibration of Ezi’s laughter in his chest.  “Yeah, I’m glad you grew out of that before I hit initiation.  That would have been awkward in the initiate dorm.”  Slowly his arms move to wrap around my waist softly.

“I’m sorry I didn’t tell you, Ezi.”

I feel Ezi’s finger hook under my chin, pulling it up to look at him.  I don’t resist it and soon I am looking up into the chocolate eyes of my big brother.  The memories of all of the times he’d do this exact same thing when I had fallen as a child or after I’d feel ashamed for fighting Eric flood me with nostalgia and guilt.  This is the Ezi who has always been ready to support me and help me for as long as I can remember and I’ve been lying to him.  The look on his face is soft and understanding, which makes my guilt worsen.

“You know, if you had told me you’d find out that I kind of suspected something might be going on between you two.”  I raise my eyebrows at him in disbelief.  “OK, so I only really started to suspect yesterday but still, you two aren’t that good at hiding it.”

“Are you mad?”

“I’m just mad that you lied to me.  Ri, I trust your judgment.  Whoever you date is your choice; it always has been.  I’m never going to think that anyone deserves you but if you’re going to date anyone, at least it’s someone I trust.” 

Even though his words should make me feel better, they just make me feel even guiltier. 

“I’m sorry, Ezi.  I just didn’t want you to be upset.  I never wanted to hurt you.”

“I know.”  Ezi pulls away from me and turns to look over at Tobias, who looks as though he’s trying to suppress his apprehension.  “Four, if you ever hurt her, I’ll kill you."

Tobias smiles at Ezi before he responds.  “Zeke, that will never happen.”

Ezi claps Tobias on the shoulder before walking over to the ledge and letting gravity carry him to the net.  Amar winks at me before following Ezi.  Once they’ve both jumped from the ledge Tobias is at my side, his hand slipping into mine.

“Is he really alright with us?”  Tobias asks quietly.

“Probably not entirely but he will be.” 

Tobias shifts so he’s standing in front of me and we’re facing each other.  Automatically his hands find my waist and my arms wrap around his neck.  I tilt up on to my tiptoes to kiss him but I’m slightly too short.  He smirks down at me for a moment before dipping his head for his lips to meet mine.  We stay like this, our lips moving in perfect synchronization for a while until several rain drops bring us back to reality.

“We should go in.”  He steps toward the ledge and reaches out a hand to me.  I take it and let him lead me up on to the ledge so that we’re standing facing each other again.  “Together?”

“Together.”

His arms wrap around my waist again and I move to wrap mine around him as well.  Instead, he catches both of my hands and repositions them to rest on his chest.  I look up at him in confusion.

“I don’t want you to break your arm if we land on it.”

I nod, realizing that he has a point.  I knot my hands into the front of his shirt and lean my head against his chest instead.  As he counts down from three I think of how the weightlessness always feels exhilarating and terrifying.  As we both let ourselves fall off the ledge, wrapped in each other, I can’t imagine caring about anything right now other than the steady beat of his heart and sound of his breathing.


	30. Amar

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry it's been so long since I've updated. Things have been crazy here, but here's another chapter!

**Amar**

The members’ entrance has always held a warehouse of memories for me, as I’m sure it does for many Dauntless. As a former instructor, I can’t help but remember all of the initiates that have landed on that net and been pulled from their previous life into their new home by other Dauntless. As a member, the sadder ghosts of the past march through this space every time I’m here as well: my first boyfriend breaking up with me during initiation before he was cut; Max telling me that George Wu jumped into the Chasm; watching Caleb leave with Jeanine when he was only eight years old.

As Four helps Lady Zeke from the net and steadies her on the ground, the happier memory of this year’s Choosing Day comes back-- the older feelings of sadness replaced with pride. Now they move over to the group of Dauntless to continue the game of Dare. Ezekial stands a few feet away at the back of the group. Surprisingly, Shauna and Uriah aren’t near him so I sidle up next to him.

“Ezekial, I’m proud of you.” My hand falls heavier on his shoulder than I had intended. His look is startled when he glances at me.

“Why is that, Amar?”

“You didn’t try to stupidly fight Four and instead you’re trusting Lady Zeke to take care of herself and make her own decisions.”

“She shouldn’t have lied to me. Neither of them should have,” Ezekial grunts toward me with his arms folded.

“Can you really blame them for not telling you?”

“Yes, I can. He’s my best friend and she’s my sister. They should have said something.” He turns to face me now. “Did you know?”

“Yes.”

“So she told you and Uriah but not me?”

“She didn’t tell me, Ezekial.” The look of confusion he wears is priceless. “I’ve known it for almost two years. Hell, Uriah and I figured out they liked each other before either of them would admit it. It’s been obvious practically since Four first met her.” 

  
“Why didn’t you say anything to me?”

My shrug comes naturally. “It wasn’t my secret to tell you; it was Lady Zeke’s. I knew she would tell you in her own time.”

“So did everyone figure it out except me?” 

“Well, clearly Christina didn’t know and she’s a former Candor.”

“You know what I mean. Who all knew?”

“Me, Uriah, Hana, Lauren and I don’t know about Shauna. Ezekial, is this really about her and Four or is this really about Caleb?”

“It’s about my sister and best friend choosing to lie to me; choosing to be honest with everyone but me.”

“They were hardly honest. They tried to lie to everyone—even themselves—they’re just very bad at it. And you’re just oblivious.”

“Still, they chose to be honest with each other but not me.” Ezekial huffs and turns back to look at the group in front of us. I can’t stand how petulant he’s being. I don’t fight my first impulse, so I end up grabbing him by the collar and drag him into the next room.

“Oh geez, that’s what it’s really about, isn’t it?” Ezekial doesn’t respond so I press on. “You’re worried that when it comes down to it, she’ll choose Four over you.”

“No.” He’s a terrible liar. “But naturally she’s going to.”

“Ezekial, you’re an idiot. Lady Zeke has spent her entire life choosing you and Uriah and Hana. Hell, she just obviously chose you and Uriah over Caleb tonight. She’s adored you as her older brother since she could walk. Do you really think that her dating someone will make you mean less to her?” 

“Amar, you just don’t understand.”

“Then explain it to me.” He stares back at me helplessly and silently.   “I think you can’t because you know I do understand. You want everything to stay the same as when we were growing up. You don’t want Ri to choose to value someone over you, like you didn’t want her to choose Caleb over you. So it’s easy, Ezekial—don’t make her. There’s plenty of room in her life for all of us, including Four. Just like you can date Shauna and still be a protective asshole over Ri every moment of the day.”

“When you say it like that, you make me sound like an irrational dick.” 

“Your words; not mine.” Ezekial offers a hearty chuckle at that. “Can we return to Dare now?” His silence is enough of an affirmation for me to open the door and walk back into the net room.

“I always knew you were a cheat.” The whining of That Candor Kid—Peter?—greets me as Ezekial and I walk back to the group. 

Once we’re close enough, I recognize the familiar angry posture of Lady Zeke with her arms folded as she glares at a menacing Peter. The rest of the group stands around them, watching their argument. Glancing around it seems that several people stand, fists clenched and jaws set, ready to jump in at any moment. I’d worry about whose side they’d join except they’re all friends of mine, Ezekial’s and generally the Pedrads. Their only concern is Lady Zeke. 

“I didn’t cheat, Peter. It’s impossible to cheat in Stage 2 or Stage 3 and if you remember correctly, I won all of my fights in Stage 1; unlike some people.” Lady Zeke’s voice is controlled, calm. 

“No one _really_ knows you can’t cheat in Stage 2 or 3. We’re just told that so you could go off and get the instructor to alter the results for you.” The Candor Kid slowly steps toward Lady Zeke, eyeing her like a predator about to devour its prey. “It’s the only way someone who acts so _Stiff_ could be the top Dauntless initiate. So what’d you have to do, Tris? Hmmm Did you _fuck_ him just to get ranked first?” 

Four’s spine visibly stiffens at Peter’s question. I can see the rage boiling over in Four’s face so I make my way over to him. Ezekial notices and follows me until we’re planted on either side of Four, ready. Peter continues on with his taunts but I stop listening, turning full attention to Four.

“Four, let her handle it. “ I whisper it toward him, hoping to crack through his wall of anger.

“Amar’s right; it will only make it worse if you jump in. People will think she only ranked first because you helped her. She has to do this on her own.” Ezekial offers the words to Four and sets a steady hand on his shoulder, as if that could hold Four back.

Four casts an incredulous glance at both of us. I find it difficult to suppress my chuckle. I recognize how bizarre this must seem to Four—Lady Zeke’s over protective family telling him not to protect her.

“Look around you, Four.” I begin, making a small motion to the angry people around us. “People are mad _for_ Tris. They want to follow her into the fight. She has to win this battle without us for _them_ —not for her or Peter or you. She has to do this because pretty soon she’ll be their leader and they need to trust her and follow her like they trust and follow you.” Four nods slightly at my words. “Besides, if you jump in, it will piss her off and as her boyfriend you want to keep her happy.” The hint of a smile on Four’s lips tells me the anger has been at least temporarily subdued.

“How else would you explain you beating everyone, including me?” Peter asks Lady Zeke, barely an inch and a half from her face.

“I don’t know, Peter. Did you ever consider the idea that I beat you because you’re a cowardly asshole?” Lady Zeke doesn’t bat an eye as she speaks, despite the fact that Peter is close enough that he could inflict considerable damage on her if he struck. “Or is your problem just that you were beat by someone who rejected you?”

It’s quick but there’s a flash of pain and then anger that pierces through Peter’s eyes. The others must notice it too because the group becomes measurably more uncomfortable. I can practically see some of them leaning forward, ready to launch themselves, too. Even Lynn looks ready to pounce.

“You didn’t reject me; I didn’t want to be with such a _Stiff_.”

“Oh?” Lady’s voice drips of sarcasm and mocking. “That’s a fascinating re-write of history, Peter. I distinctly remember _me_ throwing _you_ out.”

“You could never actually beat me.”

“But I’ve won every fight against you. I already have beat you.”

“I can fight just as well as you can. I have done everything you have.”

Lady Zeke’s eyes light in amusement. “there’s one thing you haven’t done that I have.” Peter’s face wears a look of confusion. “I have a Dare for you, Peter.” Lady Zeke thrusts the flask into his hand. “You have to fight Eric.” Peter’s emerald eyes widen to look like saucers. “What? You think you should have been ranked higher than me because you’re just as good as I am. I fought Eric and won. If you want to prove that you’re just as good as I am or better, you should fight Eric.”

It’s the perfect revenge, really, and the perfect way to win the argument—if Peter refuses, everyone will consider him a coward and he’ll never live it down. If he takes the Dare and doesn’t win, then Lady Zeke will have put all rumor and doubt to rest. The only snag she didn’t take into account is that Eric hates her enough to purposely lose. The group moves in the direction of the Pit, where Eric is sure to be.

Peter walks up to Eric and taps him on the shoulder, interrupting Eric’s conversation with his friends. When Eric turns, Peter challenges him to fight. It seems almost like Eric might turn him down, but the large group in front of him must remind him it would look cowardly. Besides, this is part of Dare. So Eric removes his jacket and tosses it on the floor. Before they can begin, Four steps between them.

“The rules are the same as they were for Stage 1 fights—the fight is over when one of you can’t continue.” Four turns to Eric then. “Also, Eric, you should know that just before Stage 3, Peter came to me and claimed he saw you tell Molly to kill Tris. He reported it in hopes that if he helped make you factionless, I’d improve his ranking for him.

Peter’s face turns scarlet while Eric’s darkens with rage. Any hope Peter had of Eric sparing him has vanished. No matter Eric’s issues with Lady Zeke, Peter’s betrayal is more egregious in his mind. It’s only logical for Eric to position himself _against_ Peter at this point.

“The enemy of my enemy is my friend.” Lady Zeke whispers next to me. Right now I understand how Little Zeke must feel when he and Lady Zeke complete each others’ thoughts.

“What Eric’s reasoning is?”

“Yep. Peter’s my enemy and his enemy now. He knows I’ll be in leadership. In his mind, beating Peter is the best way to get on my good side.”

“That was a pretty big gamble to take, Lady Zeke.” I sound like her babysitter now; like I’m scolding her for not brushing her teeth. 

She only shrugs at me. “I have nothing to lose. I don’t want power so not having a leadership position wouldn’t be a loss to me. Even if my plan doesn’t work, my gamble will leave me where I started and I’ll just go work on the fence with Mom.”

“You know, Lady Zeke, sometimes your bravery still amazes me.” And I’m the most sincere when I say those words because she has become more truly brave than I could have imagined.

We both turn our attention back to where Peter and Eric are circling each other, throwing and dodging tentative punches. Tris rolls her eyes in feigned annoyance.

“Stop playing with each other and fight already!” Everyone chuckles at Lady Zeke’s impersonation. I think I see even Eric’s mouth twitch slightly in a smirk.

Peter takes a step forward to throw a punch but Eric blocks it, launching a hard right hook at Peter’s head. Before Peter can regain his balance Eric swipes his legs out from under him. With just one more kick to Peter, who is lying on the ground now, he goes unconscious and Eric has won. That might have taken twenty seconds, maximum.

“Eric wins.” Four’s announcement has no victorious tone and no malicious one either. It’s simply a state of being.

Eric looks over to Lady Zeke. “Are we done here or do you want a re-match?”

“It’s done. Though it’s Peter’s turn to go now.”

“He’s not going to be in any condition to play.” Four responds in his instructor tone.

“I’ll take him to the infirmary,” Lauren volunteers and Shauna steps forward to help her.

Once Peter’s body has been cleared, someone hands the flask to Eric, who takes a long pull. He studies his bloody knuckles for a moment before looking back to Lady Zeke. She holds his gaze for a beat before opening her mouth to speak.

“You can take Peter’s turn since he’s incapacitated, if you want.” The invitation sounds cold and I can tell she doesn’t like extending it but knows she must.

“Sure.” Eric steadies his gaze on Lady Zeke as he speaks. “Lynn!”

Of course he picks someone he knows Lady Zeke doesn’t get along with.

“Yes?” Lynn steps forward, sounding more nervous than I remember her ever sounding before now. 

“Have you gone yet?”

“No.”

“Great. I dare you to hang over the chasm for six minutes.” He tosses the flask to Lynn without breaking eye contact with Lady Zeke. There’s a collective gasp that sounds from those around me.

Lynn glances around the group nervously. This isn’t a normal dare; this could really result in death. Several other dares could have as well but hanging over the chasm has always held a special threat to every Dauntless member.

“OK.” Lynn takes a swig from the flask and heads toward the Chasm.

Eric and Lady Zeke remain stationary as the rest of the group follows Lynn. Four follows the group out at Uriah’s insistence but Ezekial and I both stay.   As a leader, Four probably shouldn’t be anywhere near this situation where he’d be tempted to physically defend Lady Zeke. As her older brother and surrogate brother, Ezekial and I have more immunity.

“Even though I don’t like her, I don’t really want to watch her hang over the Chasm.”

“Consider it my attempt at an apology.”

“That’s one fucked up apology, Eric.”

“I never said I was any good at apologizing. Eloquence is for the Erudite, after all.”

“Something like that.” Lady Zeke takes a step toward Eric, her eye contact never faltering. “What exactly is the apology for?”

Eric’s brows raise in surprise. “You don’t think I need to apologize? Excellent; I retract it, then.”

“No, I meant that there are years’ worth of things for you to apologize for so which one is this apology for?”

Eric sighs in annoyance, which was the wrong thing to do. Lady Zeke only gets angrier at the noise.

“I’d say all of them but you’re too stubborn to accept that answer.” Lady Zeke’s face remains impassive at the remark. “It was for Molly—well, what you think I had Molly do.”

“What the hell does that mean?” Lady Zeke’s face flushes in anger and her fists are clearly balled, ready to strike out at him. “Are you trying to tell me that I _imagined_ that she attempted to _kill_ me?”

Eric’s hands shoot out in front of him, palms forward in a defensive gesture.

“No. I’m telling you that I didn’t put her up to that. I saw her by the Chasm and she told me she was headed to the infirmary to ‘visit’ you. That she was going to rough you up after making such a fool of her friends throughout Stage 1.”

“So you knew.”

“Yes.”

“But you didn’t stop her.”

“Correct, but I didn’t put her up to it.” Eric steps slightly toward Lady Zeke and both Ezekial and I instinctively inch forward. “I swear I didn’t know she had a knife. I didn’t know that she would try to kill you.”

“Just beat me up while I was unconscious in a hospital bed after fighting both you and my instructor. That’s so much better, Eric.”

“I know it’s not, hence the apology. I should have stopped her but I was angry.”

“Still a shit reason.”

“I know. But I didn’t send her after you and I swear I knew nothing about the knife.”

Lady Zeke stares at Eric in silence. It stretches on for at least half a minute.

“It doesn’t matter what you did or didn’t do. I lived. But hanging Lynn over the Chasm because she and I don’t like each other won’t earn you clemency for what you did.”

Lady Zeke immediately turns on her heel and walks toward the Chasm. Before Eric can follow her, Ezekial stops him by blocking Eric’s path. I move to stand next to Ezekial.

“You need to learn to leave my sister alone. Whatever your issues were before, they end now.” Ezekial booms the words at Eric.

“OK, Pedrad.” Eric wears a sarcastic grin on his face. Clearly he doesn’t understand the lengths to which Ezekial would go to protect Lady Zeke.

“I wouldn’t care if I died killing you to keep her safe. I would do it.” Ezekial’s eyes flash with menace and an ounce of madness. “You may be a sadistic psychopath with a lot of brute force but I have no qualms doing whatever is necessary to ensure Ri’s safety.”

“Point taken, Pedrad.”

“Good. Come near her again and you’ll be in so much pain, jumping into the Chasm would be a relief for you.”

Eric offers a silent nod before walking away. Ezekial stands motionless in his spot. I swear he’s growling under his breath still.

“That’s the most menacing and terrifying I’ve ever seen you be, Ezekial. Even I would avoid Lady Zeke if you spoke to me that way.”

“Don’t joke with me about this, Amar.”

“Calm down. He’s gone now.” I throw my arm across his shoulders and start guiding him from the room. “Let’s go join the rest of the group for Dare, OK?”

As we join the group, I notice Four standing with Lady Zeke with an arm wrapped around her waist. Ezekial barely seems to notice as he takes his spot on the other side of her. At least Eric’s presence reminded Ezekial that there are more real and pressing threats to Lady Zeke than dating his best friend.


	31. Four

** Four **

****

“Are you sure you’re OK?”

 

Her grey-blue eyes look up at me as I ask. I can see the annoyance in them. Hell, I’m sure I’d be annoyed, too—I’ve asked her this question at least five times in the past hour. I can’t help it, though; the feeling that she’s nursing a secret hurt from tonight’s events won’t go away.

 

“For the final time: I’m fine, Tobias.”

 

The irritated huff at the end of her statement is unmistakable. Part of me wants to contest it but I ignore that impulse; it will only make this conversation worse. Instead I tighten my embrace around her waist slightly.

 

“I’m just worried, Tris. You did see your brother for the first time in fourteen years.”

 

“I don’t know what you’re talking about; I seek Ezi and Uri practically every day.”

 

The look on her face is blank, emotionless. I’ve never had a moment before now where a look from Tris has made me truly scared of her but this look makes me want to shudder.

 

“You know what I mean, Tris. You haven’t seen Caleb since you were two and it wasn’t the best reunion.”

 

“I don’t want to talk about this.”

 

Tris pulls away from me so forcefully that I have to let go. She crosses the room and looks out one of the windows. Even though this is my apartment I suddenly feel out of place. Every fiber of my being wants to close the distance between us and pull her close to me, telling her that she can tell me whatever it is that is going through her mind right now: guilt, sadness, relief, anything. The rational part of my mind, however, recognizes that she’ll react poorly to me doing so and it’s likely my actions will just upset her more. I can’t risk that after how bad of a night she’s already had.

 

“Just tell me what you want me to do to help make this better.”

 

“There is no making this better, Tobias. It is what it is.”   I can practically taste the bitterness in her words.

 

A sigh escapes from me before I can pull it back. Tris’ eyes snap over to me but I avoid her gaze and instead walk over to the dining room table and sit on top of it.

 

“Then,” I begin again, quieter and gentler this time, “tell me how I can help you think about something else; how I can help you momentarily forget about it.”

 

That draws a half-smile from her. She crosses the room and stands in front of me, letting her weight lean against my knees until I move them aside so she’s standing between my legs. Like this, the height difference isn’t as pronounced between us so she only tilts her head slightly to look at me. Her face is barely three inches from mine, our breaths mingling every time we exhale. I feel her arms slide around my waist, dipping down to find the hem of my shirt and then pushing under it.

 

“Kiss me.” It’s a command when she says it and even if I wanted to, I wouldn’t be able to disobey so I don’t.

 

I could stay in this kiss forever and never think about the outside world. A part of me wants to do just that and I know that this is exactly what Tris wants as well. We break away for a moment as I help her pull my shirt over my head and then she quickly pulls hers off as well. Suddenly this feels wrong. I did offer to make her think about something else, but for some reason the idea of her physicality being part of a distraction strategy bothers me. After a couple of minutes I find myself pulling away—albeit, reluctantly.

 

“Tris, I know I said to tell me how to distract you but—“

 

She pulls out of my grasp for the second time tonight but this time she remains looking at me, her arms crossed and hiding herself from view.

 

“But you don’t want me. It’s OK.” The wobble in her voice at the end betrays her attempt to seem unfazed.

 

The words cut straight through me like nothing I’ve ever known. Right now I’d rather feel the sting of Marcus’ belt than hear her say those words.

 

“Nothing,” I slide off the table and step so we’re standing with our bodies against each other’s, hooking an arm around her waist. “Nothing could be further from the truth, Tris. Believe me when I say I cannot think of anything I want more than to be with you right now but I don’t want you to do this to distract yourself. I want it to be because you want me, too. I want it to feel right and if it’s to be a distraction, it doesn’t feel right to me.”

 

“Ugh, you’re so sentimental.” Tris rolls her eyes at me as she speaks and for a moment I’m taken back by the words until I notice the smile tugging at the corner of her lips.

 

“I am and you love it.” If I stay too close to her, my resolve will falter so instead I move toward the kitchen, taking her hand so she follows. Tris pulls herself up to sit on a counter top while I look for a couple glasses for water. “Did you talk to Christina?”

 

“Yes, and Will. They’re both going to help with the plan. Uriah talked to Marlene and she’s in. How about Tori and the others?”

 

“Amar talked to Tori and she’s in and is recruiting a few other trusted people. Zeke talked to Hana and she’ll help. She has a few friends who will as well. They’ll all be at tomorrow’s meeting. So all in all we’ll have about twenty people for this.”

 

“Do you think that’s enough?”

 

“It should be. According to the plans, they won’t have that many Dauntless who will be acting as their guards while they set up the program and execute it. It’s not until the Dauntless members are actually actively under the control of the program that they will have a larger army at their disposal.” I glance over at her as I fill the two glasses with water from the sink tap.

 

She just nods in acknowledgment of what I’ve said. It must have satisfied whatever she was worried or curious about to some degree since she doesn’t add any other questions. I know there’s concern niggling in her mind still because she shows it in her eyes. I’m sure it shows in mine as well.

 

I stop in front of her and hand her one of the now-full glasses before leaning against her legs lightly. We both remain in silence as we sip our water. My thoughts are wandering to what we’re going to do over the next couple days-- about our meeting tomorrow night with our friends and people who have been recruited as allies on this mission, about having to potentially kill or be killed by members of my own faction, about having to walk into the Control Room and possibly face both Max and Jeanine.

 

“So this is really happening, isn’t it?” She doesn’t look at me as she says it; her eyes are trained on something across the room.

 

“It is. Are you nervous?”

 

“Yes.”

 

I let the silence hang between us momentarily as I try to figure out what to do.

 

“The same problem will still be there in the morning so let’s go to bed.” I pry the water glass from her grasp and pull her off the counter top to follow me to the bed room so we can both pretend for tonight that tomorrow and the days after don’t exist.

 

… … … …

 

Hana’s apartment feels small with so many people in it. While the Pedrads have routinely hosted a large percentage of the compound at various times, I don’t know that it’s been this many people at once. The idea that this is going to appear too conspicuous crosses my mind. Everyone in this room, however, is somehow linked to the Pedrads and having a dinner to celebrate the initiation of Hana’s twins will pass as a good enough reason to have the get together. Just to ensure no one would suspect otherwise, Hana invited both Max and Harrison. Both respectfully declined.

 

I look around the room, searching for Tris but don’t see her anywhere. I haven’t seen her since she left my apartment this morning. Watching her leave was difficult, especially after falling asleep with her in my arms the night before. I took solace in the fact that I would see her here tonight, imagining how she would look and how relaxing it would be when she slipped into my embrace again and I wouldn’t need to worry if she was safe. Now that she’s nowhere to be found, my pulse quickens and a multitude of images run through my mind of how she could be hurt--or worse-- right now.

 

“You should get food before it all disappears.” Amar’s voice jolts me back into reality. “You’ve seen how Uriah eats; you’ll want to get to the food before he does.”

 

“Right, I will. Have you seen Tris, though?”

 

There’s a hint of sympathy in Amar’s eyes. I must sound less than calm right now. Between the concern over Tris and my anxiety regarding what I have to talk about tonight and what will transpire in the next forty-eight hours, I’m not sure that I will be able to make it through dinner without fainting. Amar must recognize this.

 

“She was with me for part of the day. I left her about an hour ago in the training room so she could shoot for a while before dinner.” His hand gently pats my shoulder; I suspect it’s supposed to be a comforting gesture. “I’m sure she’ll be here in a few minutes. Now go get some food.”

 

Hana and Amar’s cooking has always been a treat to me. While anything is better than boiled chicken and peas, their cooking far exceeds anything I’ve ever eaten, even in Dauntless. Tonight they’ve outdone themselves with the decadent spread of dishes waiting on the kitchen counters. Shoveling enticing-smelling foods on to my plate keeps my mind off of Tris’s absence at least for a few minutes until there’s a commotion at the apartment door.

 

“It’s OK that you started without me. I would have, too.” Tris’s voice cuts through the din of conversations and clatter of plates and flatware.

 

It’s difficult to see her through the crowd and I find myself straining to stretch my neck in new ways to catch a glimpse of her. I’ve completely abandoned any further thoughts of food until I have confirmation that my mind isn’t playing tricks on me; until I know that Tris is actually in the same room as I am again. Amar pulls my plate from my grasp and I immediately walk toward the front door without a word or even a glance.

“You smell like you’ve been shooting, Ri,” Hana chuckles as she pulls Tris into a hug.

 

“I don’t want to get out of practice so quickly after initiation.” Tris shrugs as she says it, a small smile creeping on to her face.

 

Somehow I’ve made my way over to stand next to Hana. Within a moment of my arrival Tris’s eyes travel from Hana to me. The moment our eyes lock, the tension begins to drain from me. I hadn’t even noticed that I had been clenching my fists. The instant she’s in my arms, slipping hers around my neck, I feel foolish for being so anxious all of this time.

 

“I missed you.” I almost miss her whispered words through my own thoughts.

 

“I missed you too.” I don’t bother to stop myself from kissing her temple, even though my natural inclination is to avoid public affection.

 

“Thank goodness you’re here, Ri,” Amar says from next to me. “If you didn’t show up soon I thought I wouldn’t be able to keep Four from sending out a search party for you.”

 

Tris chitters with laughter against me before she pulls out of my grasp so she can hug Amar and then Zeke, who has also appeared.

 

“It’s not like Ezi hasn’t acted more insane than that on a regular basis so we should take it easy on Four this time, Amar.”

 

Tris pulls Amar and Zeke along with her toward the kitchen, Zeke’s arm draping over her shoulders as they walk. The three of them look thick as thieves. Uriah meets them by the counter, offering Tris a hug. Maybe some iteration of this was the most common scene in the Pedrad household throughout Tris’s childhood.   It seems likely to me and the thought makes me envious of the family and joy that they all shared.

 

“Every time I would come home I worried they wouldn’t have room for me anymore. Between the four of them they had cobbled together both a family and a secret society so complete that I wasn’t sure if the apartment had any space left for me to fit with them. It was silly, though, because they will always be able to add another person they love.” Hana reaches up to pat my cheek sweetly.

 

“You’ve done so much for others, Hana; taking in Tris and Amar, really. It’s amazing how you’ve built this family.”

 

“They built it themselves, really. I just helped. There’s never been one person at the center of it; it’s always been all of them keeping it together through the years.”

 

“Hana, I’m sure you’re not giving yourself enough credit; you have done plenty to form this family and keep it together. There’s always room for you.”

 

“No, they formed it. You and I are the people that they love so we’ll always be welcome. Don’t’ be offended by it; enjoy it.” Hana reaches out and loops her arm through mine. “Now let’s get some dinner before you have to lead us all through how we’re going to take back our faction.”

 

Sometime while I was talking to Hana, Amar must have set my plate of food at a seat toward the middle of the room. Being surrounded by so many people and all of the raucous noise bothers me, makes me want to retreat to the privacy and quiet of my apartment, but I have to remember that I’m here for a reason. I’m a leader now and I have to convince the people in this room that it’s the right thing to commit what many would consider an act of treason against our faction leadership.

 

Most of dinner is a blur of chatter and scraping silverware. Partway through we begin discussing the plan for the night Erudite will launch the attack. When we reach the point of assigning teams for the mission, I’m not surprised that everyone in the room is willing to take any role no matter the level of danger it involves but I am surprised by how thoughtful everyone is about who would be best for each assignment.

 

“We’ll need a team to disarm the program and take out whatever Erudite or Dauntless are running it. I’ll be on this team since I’ve been working on how to disarm the program. I’ll need two or three more people.”

 

“I’ll help.” Tris sits half way down the length of the table from me as she speaks. My heart sinks at her volunteering since I know this is probably the most dangerous assignment to take in this entire endeavor. “You need people with good shooting and fighting skills as well as computer skills. Jeanine and Max probably have documents that we’d be interested in copying and going through later so we can remove them from leadership. You won’t be able to do that and dismantle the program at the same time.”

 

Instinctively I glance over at Zeke, who looks about as happy about her volunteering as I do. She’s right—she’s the person other than me that has the strongest skill set for this particular assignment. Many other people in the room have part of it but no one here has the complete set like Tris does. Also, she’s the person in the room who probably has the strongest distaste for Jeanine. I don’t know how to object to her volunteering for this but I don’t like it all the same.

 

“You’ll need me, too. My computer skills are strong from working in the Control Room, not to mention that I can help control the cameras while we’re in there.” Zeke’s offer sounds practical on the surface; to anyone else, it would seem that Zeke is suggesting himself merely because of the reasoning he just laid out. I know, however, that he’s really volunteering because he wants to protect Tris. We both want to protect her still.

 

“OK, so Zeke and Tris will come with me. Amar and Uriah will be directly outside the Control Room to handle any oncoming forces and also to serve as immediate backup to us if anything happens. Hana will be in charge of everyone else, who will be clearing and guarding the hallways around the Control Room.”

 

There are a few murmurs as everyone gradually nods in assent. I sit down once it appears that everyone has agreed to the plan and try to focus on finishing my meal. No matter how hard I try, though, my mind drifts over to Tris and my own selfish worry that she’ll get hurt or sacrifice herself for myself or for Zeke. As much as I know that she’s brave and is only acting on that, I still can’t help myself from hating that these possibilities could very well become a reality. In less than forty-eight hours I’ll be sending the person I love into danger.


	32. Zeke

** Zeke **

_I rocked my baby all around the tree_

_When I let her down she followed me_

_All around the town and all around the shop_

_All around the river and all around the rock_

_All around the trunk she followed me_

_My baby followed me even to the sea_

_And when my baby slept I held her close as can be_

_And even in our dreams we sat beneath the tree_

Mom and I used to rock Tris to sleep to that lullaby with her tucked into one or both of our arms. I suspect the lullaby was something she learned in Amity. Even though I’m only two years older than her, I always marveled even then at how small she looked to me. Now, as the world goes blurry in front of my glass of whiskey and me, I hum the notes slowly, sadly. I want those days back. I don’t want to send my baby sister to death’s door tomorrow.

“Zeke?” Shauna, unknowing and trusting Shauna, calls out to me from the hall of my—maybe now it’s really our—apartment.

“Yes?” I don’t bother to move from my corner by the closet. It’s comfortable and warm here.

Shauna comes into view, towering over my huddled body when she steps out of the darkness. I take another drink, delaying the inevitable conversation until the very last moment. My tongue tingles from the effects of the alcohol. When she sits on the wooden floor planks before me I know it’s over. The truth has arrived.

“Zeke, what’s going on?” Shauna reaches out for the glass and gently takes it from my grasp, despite my protestations.

“I don’t want to.”

“What don’t you want to do?”

“I don’t want to let her die.”

Shauna’s eyebrows shoot up in surprise. Despite knowing me for approximately sixteen years, she is in the dark here. This is a phrase she’s never heard and I know it. It’s something I’ve never said.

“Zeke, what in the world are you talking about?’

“Shauna, I can’t send my baby sister or baby brother to die tomorrow. I can’t. And I’ve set her up to die.”

Shauna slides me over the smooth wooden planks with the force of her hips as she wedges in to the corner next to me. Our shoulders bump momentarily as she casts me a sly side glance. It’s these moments that remind me why we’ve always been friends.

“Zeke,” she starts quieter than I’m used to her being, “you’re not letting anyone die and we both know it. Tris is the best person for what needs to be done and she’ll be with Four. He’ll protect her just like you would. The best thing you can do is your assignment like the soldier you are.”

“No, the best thing I could do is protect her by taking her place.”

I push myself up off the cold floor and walk away even though I know that it hurts Shauna to be left like that. There’s something more I know I need to do right now.

“You know, I miss the part of you that jokes all the time,” she calls after me as I walk away.

I’m not sure that I know whom she’s talking about right now.

…

The stone wall is cold against my back as always. It calms me more than I would like. Right now I need my anger to spur me to action, to convey the deep seeded anger that I feel bubbling up in the quiet moments. I need this so that he understands. When I see him walking down the hall laughing with another, I spring to action. Taking him by surprise, it doesn’t take long for me to pin him against the wall.

“She can’t die.” The words hiss between my teeth as I slam his body into the opposite slab of stone. “I won’t allow it.” The courage of whiskey speaks now with truth.

“I know.” He says it around a choke and somewhere in the back of my mind I’m aware that I’m depriving my closest friend of life-giving oxygen. The urgency of this matter, however, overrides that thought.

“We can’t let her die.”

“Zeke, why would I?” He asks it desperately, his eyes shifting wildly as he talks.

Suddenly, I feel his hand pull free and he knocks mine from his windpipe. I hear a brief cough before the shove that pushes me several feet from him. As I stumble slightly, a pair of hands grab me and pull me upright, slightly off the ground.

“I wouldn’t let her get hurt, Zeke.”

I want to believe him but the insidious voices of doubt speak in the back of my mind.

“How do I know that?” I spit the words at him.

“Because I _love_ her. Did you ever think of that? I love her more than I love my own life. If anyone is dying tomorrow, it’s me. She won’t let you or Uriah get hurt and I won’t let anything happen to her. So if anyone is dying tomorrow, it’s me.”

Four drops me to the stone ground. With the thud of my landing it’s as if sense comes back to me. Amar offers me a hand up. He doesn’t snicker or offer a lecture like he usually would; he just helps me stand.

“Well.” I don’t know what to tell Four for a moment. “You’re not allowed to let anything happen to you, either, because Ri would be broken hearted. You’re not allowed to break her heart so don’t you go dying either, you hear me?”

I try to take a step toward him but I feel the solid force that is Amar’a shoulder shove me backwards.

“Both of you are ridiculous. If either of you even dream of getting hurt, you know Lady Zeke will try to protect you. So here’s my order to you both: forget your stupid, foolish pride and do what you’re supposed to do. Let Lady Zeke do her job and celebrate when it’s all over. I guarantee that if you try anything gallant and dumb, it will just end in tragedy so don’t do it.”

I reach out to grab Four again but he slips just beyond my grasp and my finger tips meet thin air. The muscles in my fingers spasm, wanting to pinch the ghost of anger I felt toward him. Inexplicably, the ground rises up and meets me as I crash on to it.

I can’t. I can’t even fathom what will happen tomorrow. I’m just not ready for any of this—not for her danger and not for her potential death.


	33. Tris

** Tris **

_Thwack. Thwack. Thwack._

I should think about getting new running shoes. I can feel as I run that the traction soles on mine are depleted. Luckily, the stone pathway on my route is rough enough that I don’t have to worry much about slipping. The regularity of my pace offers a welcome trance that keeps my mind from focusing too much on tonight.

The stairs to the roof feel steeper when I’m trying to run up them but I push through it until I emerge on the rooftop. The haziness of the dim morning obscures my view of the city but I know that in the distance are the grey houses of Abnegation and beyond that, the fence and farms of Amity. How might my life have been if I had chosen differently? Would I be walking into the fields to pick fruit while someone played the guitar right now? Would I be planning my daily volunteer project as I pulled on a grey, formless smock? Maybe I’d even be studying the newest serums or determining whether someone is lying.

Instead of any of those, I’m preparing to confront traitors in my own faction and invaders from Erudite so my family doesn’t murder those same grey, formless people.

_My family._

In this instance I guess it has more than one meaning since members of it would both be the mindless drones doing the shooting and the ones controlling the simulation. Both thoughts make me sick to my stomach for different reasons. I hate everything about this situation.

Leaning over the edge of the roof, I can vaguely see the ground. It’s strange to think that on a regular basis I’ll jump at least this distance to enter my faction. Either jump doesn’t scare me even though one has a net and the other doesn’t. I should consider that odd but I chose the warrior faction. I don’t fear my own death.

A hand on my shoulder startles me. From over it I can see Eric standing behind me. Suddenly I regret coming up here.

“Why is it that you always flirt with danger, Tris?”

“I’m Dauntless; it’s in my blood. How come you always seem to make unwise decisions, Eric?”

“Like what?”

“Like following me or at least approaching me. Both you and I know Ez-Zeke- would have your head for coming near me.”

“And you and I both know it doesn’t matter. He’s the wrong Pedrad to win that fight.”

“I wouldn’t be so sure—he has unknown depths of anger that only can be tapped when he feels protective over his family.”

Eric shrugs, seeming unfazed. “I’d still rather fight him than you.”

“Well, I don’t welcome your presence either.”

“I know."  He walks over to lean his back against the ledge that separates us from the open air and the ground beneath. “So you and Four, eh?”

“What do you mean?”

“Come on, Tris, it’s all over the compound. Everyone knows about what happened during Dare. You were surrounded by drunk people; word was bound to travel quickly.”

“Either way, I can’t imagine why you’d care. It’s not like we’re friends.”

“What makes you think that? I care about you.”

“Are you kidding me?” Eric’s expression doesn’t change. “Maybe the fact that you have spent the last several years torturing me. Forgive me if I failed to interpret that as affection. It felt a lot like punches at the time.”

“I’m not skilled at expressing myself. Eloquence is for the Erudite.”

“You _are_ Erudite, Eric.”

“I _was_ Erudite. Really, though, the aptitude test tells you what you have really always been. So I’ve always been Dauntless.”

“And that means that punching is the only way you can express yourself, clearly.”

He heaves a sigh for a moment. He seems to be looking off into the distance but I can’t imagine on what he’s fixating.

“You’ve always been intimidating to me.”

“Says the guy who taunted me about my parents’ deaths, picked fights with me at every turn and sent someone to kill me. Yeah, I’m the intimidating one.” The sarcasm drips from each of my words and I don’t care.

“I told you I didn’t send Molly to kill you. I didn’t know she had a knife but if I had known, I would have stopped her.”

“Excuse me if, ‘I only thought she’d try to beat you up while you were sleeping’, doesn’t seem like the best defense to me.”

“I knew you could beat Molly—you’ve beat me enough times that I would know.”

“But you wanted revenge on me and we both know it.”

“I wanted you to learn respect for your leader. The dynamics had changed since we were children fighting on the playground."

“No, you wanted me to _fear you._ You always have.”

“I never wanted that.”

“Yes, you did. You’ve hated that I wasn’t afraid of you like everyone else.”

“No, that’s not true. I’ve always cared about you. I wanted to protect and comfort you but you never let me."

“What an amazing lie, Eric.”

I begin to walk away from him but his fingers catch my wrist, locking around it. Before I know it, he’s standing in front of me, blocking my path.

“Why Four?”

“Why do you care?"

“You know what his father did to him. Abuse is cyclical. It doesn’t just go away—it shows up in the next generations.”

“The only person in this compound who has repeatedly given me bruises on purpose is _you_ , Eric.”

Red creeps over his face, darkening his features. “I’m not the person you think I am, Tris.” I try to pull away from him but his hands lock around my biceps, holding me in place. “You may have thought a lot of things about me over the years and I may have not always done the right thing but I’m not who you think I am. I may not do the right things even now but just remember that, Tris.”

“Then let me go.”

He nods but his grip doesn’t loosen. Slowly he releases one of my arms. His hand comes up toward my face and I inwardly brace for some impact from it but instead, I feel his finger hook under my chin, tilting it so we’re looking more directly at each other.

He leans forward and for a moment I think he’s going to bend down and kiss me—press his lips to mine—but he doesn’t. His lips press lightly to my forehead for what seems like an eternity. I’m too shocked to move.

“You shouldn't have chosen him,” he begins with his lips still barely separated from my skin. “We’ll both regret it.”

I pull out of his grasp, his other hand falling to his side as I do so. I can feel the beginnings of uncontrollable trembling coming on so I quickly brush past him and head toward the ledge where I know the net waits. Without looking back, I let myself drop into nothingness.


	34. Tris

Tris

If Eric’s last words were supposed to instill fear in me, they worked. Suddenly I feel an incredible need to get back to where I left Tobias in his apartment this morning. I need to know that something hasn’t happened to him at Eric’s behest while I was gone. By the time I reach his door I’m sweating with the exertion from my sprint here. The key almost drops out of my hand while I try to unlock the door. Finally I manage to get the door open and walk into the apartment.

Tobias is still asleep in bed so I quietly walk over and sit on the edge of the mattress. The movement of the mattress is enough to rouse him and he groggily opens his eyes.

“Where did you go?”

“For a run. It’s only six in the morning. It will be a long day so you should go back to sleep.”

Tobias shifts to sit upright before pulling me toward him.

“I’d rather spend the day with you.”

“You have leader duties, though.”

“True, but that doesn’t mean that I don’t have time to spend with you right now.” He places a light kiss on my cheek. “Why don’t we have breakfast just the two of us and relax for a while?’

“OK, but I’m showering first.”

I feel caught between treating today like any other and wanting to get lost in every moment just in case. Even if we stop the attack tonight and see no casualties from it, things will change in our faction and our city one way or another. I’m not sure what that will look like or mean for any of us but I am sure that I should appreciate what I have right now.

“I made some eggs and toast while you were showering, if that’s OK.” Tobias sets two plates on the table as I wrap my still-dripping hair in a towel.

“That’s fine with me. I’m having dinner with Mom, Ezi, Uri and Amar tonight. They want you to come, too, if you can.” I walk over to him as I speak and slide my arms around his neck. “I know you probably are busy but they’d like to see you if possible.”

“I’ll be there.” He leans down and captures my lips with his and we continue like that for a couple minutes. When he draws away again, I feel the disappointment and loss that seems to accompany it each time. “Tris, if anything happens tonight, I just want you to know that I, uh, “ he clears his throat loudly and nervousness radiates from him. “I want you to know that I love you.” My mouth opens to respond but I’m cut off with his rambling. “I know it’s sudden and that we just started dating and you just told Zeke barely two days ago about us but I’ve probably been in love with you practically since I was sixteen. I just wanted you to know in case anything happens tonight.”

“I know, Tobias.”

“You know? Have I been that obvious?”

“No, not to me anyway, but Amar hinted at it before.”

“I should have known.”

“I think Amar has known more about our feelings toward each other than either of us have.”

Tobias laughs quietly at that. “Yes, I’d say so. Let’s eat before it gets cold.”

… ….

It’s surprising how time unnaturally speeds up when you know that vital parts of your life are going to change in mere hours. For that period, the space-time continuum works in the exact opposite way you would wish it would.

Before I know it, dinner is over and I’m hugging Mom before heading over to Ezi’s for his ‘party’. Mom and her friends won’t go with us because they’re instead going to move into position to clear out any Erudite and traitor Dauntless forces that we’ll encounter on our way to the Control Room.

Amar and Uriah try to make the walk to Ezi’s seem natural by carrying on with their happy conversation. Uriah is prattling about job selection and Amar indulges, describing the good and bad of each role as we walk. Ezi chimes in every now and then, leaving only Tobias and I as the obviously silent ones.

“Why didn’t you invite Shauna to dinner?” Uriah finally asks Ezi as we near our destination.

“Because I didn’t.”

“But Mom wanted to meet her, Ezi.” I can’t help but add my thoughts.

“She’ll meet her next week, then.”

“But Ez—“

Ezi turns toward me suddenly, stopping his tracks. His eyes are cold and his face is unreadable. His gaze fixes on me, unwavering.

“I said Mom can meet Shauna next week, Ri. That’s the end of the conversation.”

With anyone else I’d step into his space and challenge him. Ezi, however, is my brother and a different story. I don’t actually know what to do with his sudden anger and distance so I step back; I retreat.

“OK, Ezi.”

Our group resumes its path to Ezi’s apartment. I can feel Tobias’ hand squeeze mine as we walk. Uriah casts me worried looks and Amar’s shoulder bumps into mine as we continue. Ezi’s the only one who totally ignores me for the remainder of our walk. There’s relative silence between us until the door to his apartment has closed behind us.

“Really, Ezekial?” Amar’s babysitter voice cuts through our noisy thoughts in the silence.

“What?”

“That wasn’t necessary.”

I don’t fully understand what Amar means but I have a guess. Ever refusing to divulge feelings he doesn’t want to acknowledge, Ezi walks away from us and heads toward his kitchen.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“You’re full of shit. This is the only time you’ll ever get away with it but you have to apologize to your sister after this is over.” Amar doesn’t move from his position next to me where he has his arms crossed.

“There’s nothing to apologize for.” Ezi’s voice calls, hiding in the kitchen.

“You at least should apologize for your grammar—hanging prepositions are inexcusable at your age.”

Ezi returns to where we stand, a bag slung over his shoulder. I know it holds multiple guns, knives and any other weapon we could possibly need. For the past few days we’ve each been incrementally taking weapons from the training room and armory to create a stockpile large enough for tonight. Soon enough I hear a knock on the door and Shauna, Lynn and Marlene walk in to the room. I know Christina, Will and Tori will all be here soon.

Amar unzips the bag so he and Tobias can start handing weapons out to all of us who are here so far. I take a rifle and another, smaller gun as well as a couple knives from Tobias. The strap on the rifle makes it convenient to sling the rifle across my back where the cool metal rests against my skin and calms me. There’s security in its closeness.

Despite the incredible amount of weapons in the bag, it barely takes five minutes to empty its contents fully. With the remainder of our party’s arrival, they claim the remainder of the weapons. Since the weapons have been distributed, Tobias stands and hands me a small stack of clothing, consisting of a long sleeved shirt and a jacket.

“I grabbed them for you in case you weren’t wearing your jacket.” There’s a hint of pink in Tobias’ cheeks at his explanation.

“Thank you. That was very thoughtful.”

I take the items and walk to the bathroom so I can change my shirt. Despite spending the past weeks having to change in the initiate dorm with the entirety of my initiation class, I still don’t feel comfortable doing it in front of anyone if I can avoid it. When I emerge from the bathroom, Tobias is standing in the hall, leaning against the wall. It’s clear he’s waiting for me, especially since he’s holding both guns that I earlier claimed. He holds them out for me to take.

“Everyone is ready to go.” Tobias fixes my collar for me and I tuck the smaller gun in my waistband. A two-way radio crackles with Mom’s voice reporting that they’re moving toward the Control Room but will be waiting for us to say we’re reading before they engage.

“We shouldn’t keep them waiting.”

His arms wrap around me, pulling me to his chest. I let my head rest against it and try to memorize this moment.

“I love you, you know that, right?”

“I do, Tobias.”

“Tris, no matter what happens, you need to stay safe. Everyone knows you’re brave; you don’t have anything to prove.”

“You focus on staying safe, Tobias.”

“I will if you will.”

I nod, hoping that will be sufficient. He kisses my forehead before letting go of me and taking my hand. Our friends all stand, armed and ready to go. Tobias hands me extra ammunition that I tuck in to my pockets. 

“How are we going to avoid the cameras?” I whisper the words to Tobias, hoping no one heard.

“Zeke and I programmed a loop to start playing right now so we’ll go undetected until we’re close to the Control Room. By the time the cameras pick us up, we’ll be too close for them to do much. That being said, you should put your jacket on so it conceals your weapons.”

Glancing around, I notice that everyone else is wearing a jacket or sweatshirt. They all look loose and bulky from concealing their weapons but no one will probably notice as long as we keep moving.

Tobias and Amar lead our group out the door of the apartment, taking us toward where Jeanine and her minions will be running the simulation that will destroy our city as we know it. We walk casually, people chattering about unimportant topics in an attempt at going unnoticed.

We’re just a couple turns and hallways from the Control Room now. Mom’s report over the two-way radio confirms that her group has already cleared the hallway. Even with that knowledge, Amar signals for us all to take out our weapons. A flurry of jackets and clothing flies around as weapons are pulled out and readied. It barely takes a full forty-five seconds before we’re all ready to continue.

“Tris, Zeke, you’re with me in front. Everyone else will either be flanking us or following behind. We need to keep the formation tight as we move. Amar gave you your team assignments earlier and you’ll need to stay with them as you go. He’ll tell you when or where you need to break off,” Tobias announces in a loud whisper to rigorous nods of understanding.

Everyone moves into a tight formation. As we take the first few steps forward, our weapons at the ready, I have to force my breathing to be even and focus on the goal of what we’re about to do instead of the unpleasant parts that lie between now and when we’re done. 

I don’t know everything that we’ll encounter around this corner but I do know that behind the Control Room door will be my Aunt Jeanine and a program that will destroy life as we know it and we have to stop it.


	35. Amar

** Amar **

 

The crackling of the two-way radio obscures Hana’s voice only slightly. I can still make out the locations she lists out as where her group is placed. We should be able to get close to the Control Room before we hit their defenses.

 

As we quickly advance down the stone hallways, my mind jumps through the various twists and turns we’ll have to take, thinking through all of the places where they might have stashed a traitor with a gun to surprise us. The next corner comes into view and our group pulls up short so Four and I can check to see if there’s any danger waiting down the next hall. As soon as we decide it’s clear, our group advances again, continuing its journey.

 

A crackle sounds from the radio at my hip followed by Hana’s voice, “three ducks waiting two turns out from target.”

 

“Copy. Need two advance to clear ducks.” It’s better if a couple of Hana’s group take care of their small group of guards lest we reveal our entire group and mission accidentally.

 

At the next turn, we pause again. We’re only three turns out from the entrance to the Control Room so we need to give Hana time to take care of the traitors she reported a moment ago. Past that point we’ll be back within range of the cameras and will have to move quickly before whoever is controlling the program calls for reinforcements.

 

It takes a couple minutes and some faint sounds of scuffling before Hana’s voice comes over the radio again, telling me that section is clear.

 

“Shauna, Tori, at the next turn, your groups should break off, one staying and the other going down the hall in the opposite direction from the Control Room. Take care of all Erudite and any Dauntless that aren’t a part of our group. Do it quietly, quickly and with no fatalities.”

 

They both nod silently with understanding. It’s odd to think that moments like these are exactly what we as a faction train for: fighting off a threat to our city. It’s odd and sad to think that right now that threat comes from members within our faction. The task remains the same, no matter who the threat is, and we hustle down the hall in our formation. This is the last corner we have without the cameras monitoring us so once we turn down the next hall we’ll have to move quickly before we’re detected. The element of surprise might be all we have to our advantage.

 

“Christina, at the next corner your group will pull off and fan out, securing the hallway. Lynn, yours will separate at the hallway leading to the Control Room so you can secure it with the remainder of Hana’s team that will be advancing once we reach that hallway. Uriah, you and I will secure the Control Room with Tris, Zeke and Four. Once it’s secure, we’ll fall back just outside the door. From the plans Four found and Hana’s reports tonight, I would guess that they’ll only have a small group in there; mostly Erudite.   Tris, Zeke and Four should be able to hold them off long enough to destroy the program once we secure the room.”

 

I turn to check the hallway and notice Eric and Peter standing in it casually. They don’t looked armed at first glance but I know they must be. Of course Max would have those two involved in this and standing as some of the last guards before the Control Room. We can’t approach them as is without detection and giving away most of our advantage. Why wouldn’t Hana have mentioned them earlier?

 

I grab at the radio and raise it to my mouth. “Two ducks left standing right before one turn out.”

 

The crackle precedes Hana’s voice. “Must be new ducks; they weren’t there when we cleared.”

 

 _Damn it._ It’s going to take me a moment before I can think of a new plan—a moment that we don’t have.

 

“Here.” Ri thrusts her rifle at Ezekial before grabbing Four’s away from him and shoving it into Uri’s hands. “I can’t approach them looking armed.” She looks at Four, “and neither can you.”

 

“What are you planning to do, Ri?” Ezekial sounds hesitant when he asks because I’m sure he knows he won’t like her answer.

 

“Four and I are going to stroll down the hall. Four is a leader and didn’t want to stay out at your party, Ezi, because he wanted to stop by the Control Room and check on how everything is going.”

 

“And when they stop you?”

 

“We’ll be close enough to fight them quickly and quietly. If we attract attention, then you’ll need to come in as back up and we’ll storm the Control Room.” Ri looks over to Four. “Which one do you want to take: Eric or Peter?”

 

“Considering I don’t want either one touching you ever again?”

 

“OK, so I’ll take Eric. You’ll take Peter.”

 

Ri grabs Four’s hand and pulls him out into the hall. I watch him wrap his arm around her waist as they walk, pulling her close to his side. To anyone who didn’t know what was going on, it would simply look like a gesture of affection between two Dauntless members enjoying a night together.

 

“What are you two doing here?” Four’s instructor voice booms out, echoing off the walls.

 

“We could ask you two the same thing.” Eric’s voice betrays no emotion as he speaks.

 

“I’m a leader and the Control Room is down here. I don’t need to explain myself to either of you, especially since neither of you should even still be allowed inside the walls of this faction, really.”

 

The squeak of sneakers is all I hear at first but the grunts and shuffles of struggle continue on for a minute or so. There’s a thud as someone hits the ground, a low grunt of pain followed by a shushing sound before another thud.

 

“Let’s go,” Four calls out, signaling for us to join them.

 

We quickly make our way to them, our group shrinking as people peel off as they were instructed. By Ri and Four I see Peter and Eric on the ground, the latter with blood seeping out of his shoulder slowly.

 

“He’ll need to go to the infirmary at some point but he shouldn’t bleed out before we’re done here. The blow to his head should keep him out for a while, though,” Ri says in an even voice. I wonder when exactly she became someone who could talk about stabbing another person in the shoulder without any inflection.

 

Sweeping them up with us, we continue on to the Control Room. The remaining part of Hana’s group joins us, taking the lead so they can engage any remaining people in the hallway for us. There doesn’t appear to be anyone waiting so they fan out right before we reach the door. I glance around to Four, Ezekial, Uri and Ri right before I pull the door open, trying to hold on to a memory of each one of them before we lose ourselves in the chaos. I need those memories close, just in case.

 

The door opens with a groan, alerting any occupants to our presence, which makes me glad that we all have our weapons drawn anyway. We pour into the room and the first thing that strikes me is how there are only two Dauntless in here—neither of who is Max. The rest are a small team of Erudite. Three of them I don’t know but I do recognize both Jeanine and Caleb immediately.

 

“This is a restricted area,” Jeanine’s voice cuts through the room at us.

 

“This is Dauntless and I’m one of its leaders. There is no area I’m restricted from. Now, we will gladly escort you out.” Four’s words are calm and non threatening but I notice that he doesn’t lower his gun at all.

 

Jeanine casts a look over at the two Dauntless but before they can do anything, Ri and Uri are on them, quickly landing a succession of blows that takes them to the floor and disarming them. It’s barely ten seconds before they’re unconscious and tied to one of the stationary work benches.

 

“Now that your body guards are useless, we’ll escort you out.”

 

Four crosses to Jeanine, grabbing at her arm. She quickly backhands him and tries to kick at him. It’s almost comical, really. Four barely wavers before landing a blow to her stomach and kicking her legs out from under her. I know that’s my queue to apprehend her, so I step forward, grab her wrists in one hand and pull her up. Once she’s standing I jab the barrel of my gun in her shoulder so she knows that I’ll shoot if she makes a false move.

 

“Four, Tris, get to your assignment. Uriah, I’ll escort Ms. Matthews out, you bring out the rest. Ezekial, you stand guard in case anyone manages to get past Uriah and I. Watch the monitors for anyone coming and warn us.”

 

I walk from the room, not needing to look back to know that they’re all busily doing what they’re supposed to be. Once out of the door, I hand Jeanine over to Hana, who puts a set of manacles on her wrists. Uriah comes out with the remaining Erudite. Other members of our group place manacles on the Erudites’ wrists, preparing to usher them to a holding area.

 

“They’re probably already practically done in there,” Uriah whispers loudly to me.

 

“Let’s not get our hopes up too much.”

 

“Ri told me that Four had it figured out so they could be done within a matter of minutes.”

 

“Good. The quicker we’re away from here, the better off we’ll be.”

 

“Do you wonder what happened to the guys who usually work this shift? Why aren’t they here?”   Uriah’s question is a good one and it makes me wonder about the loyalties of several people I know.

 

“Max could have told them that they weren’t needed tonight because Erudite was coming to do some maintenance on the system.” I push the other, more sinister, thought from my mind. “He wouldn’t want them to know what was going on; it would mean too many people in the faction knowing that he essentially was committing treason and mass murder.”

 

“I’m glad he wasn’t here at least.”

 

I nod, reliving my surprise that he wasn’t in the room. It still makes me nervous, wondering if he might show up at any moment with a group of additional Dauntless armed and ready to fight. I know they weren’t expecting anyone to show up to interfere with their plan but my training as a soldier causes my feelings of uneasiness to not be so easily sated. Something is wrong with all of this but I can’t figure out what and I need to so I can make a plan for whatever it is.

 

Uriah looks at me curiously. I don’t avoid his gaze. “We took care of the Dauntless traitors in there. We escorted all of the Erudite out, correct?”

 

“Yes, Mom took them all.”

 

“All five of them?”

 

Uriah’s brow furrows for a moment before he responds. “Yes.”

 

In my mind flashes an image of Jeanine leaving and then three other blue clad individuals. Anxiously, I realize that one wasn’t with them. One that I recognize.

 

“Caleb is still in there.”

 

Before I can even turn, I hear two gun shots and the sound of someone shouting—screaming really. I have only heard that scream a couple of times before but I know it’s Lady Zeke.


	36. Tris

** Tris **

We’re a well-oiled machine: Tobias immediately setting about shutting down the program while I round up files and communication between Jeanine and Max that might be helpful later. Ezi fades from my conscious thoughts as my mind focuses entirely on the task at hand. It isn’t until I hear the sounds of struggle that I glance up and notice him fighting with a flurry of blue.

 

It’s strange to imagine Ezi losing a fight to an Erudite, but I can tell he’s about to. Before I even realize it, I’ve drawn my gun and am facing Caleb, who holds Ezi against him, a gun pointed at him.

 

The metal presses against Ezi’s temple and I can practically feel the imprint of it on my own, as though if I reached a hand up to the side of my head, I’d be able to wrap my fingers around the barrel. Caleb stares at me, trying to ignore the gun I have raised and aimed at his head.

 

“Ah-ah, Tris. You move and I shoot him.”

 

“Not if you’re dead.”

 

Caleb pulls Ezi in front of him more, effectively turning him into a human shield. With their similar height, I don’t have as clear of a shot of Caleb’s torso anymore. While my aim is very accurate, even Caleb’s flinch could be enough for the bullet to lodge into Ezi’s body by mistake. The only major shot I still have that couldn’t wound Ezi would be to shoot straight into Caleb’s forehead since he is a couple inches taller than Ezi is. That’s exactly where I aim.

 

“You wouldn’t kill me, Tris. I’m your brother.”

 

“I think you’re drastically overestimating my character. Right now you’re poised to kill _my brother_ ; there’s very little I wouldn’t do to protect him. Or did you miss that lesson when I broke your nose for threatening Uriah?” I flick the safety off and let a bullet load into the chamber.

 

Caleb’s eyes widen as he hears the _cathunk_ that universally indicates that the gun is loaded and that with the pull of my trigger, he could be dead. He presses his gun harder into Ezi’s temple, his forearm straight out, trying to hold it steady. His stance makes me notice how inexperienced and uncomfortable Caleb is with a gun in his hand. Standing with his arm jutting out, his elbow raised in the air, it’s clear that he’d be more comfortable with a book.

 

“You really think you can kill me, Tris? Or that I won’t shoot him? I will.” I hear a bullet load into the chamber of his gun. My heart sinks at the sound. “Now, tell your boyfriend over there to stop what he’s doing.”

 

“Four, stop what you’re doing.” I don’t take my eyes off of Caleb as I speak.

 

“OK.” I hear the click of him hitting one more button. “I’m done anyway.”

 

Caleb’s face darkens with what I assume is anger. His arm shakes slightly and I can tell by the twitching of his trigger finger that Ezi could end up dead at any moment. I have to do something now but the idea of killing someone makes me uneasy.

 

“Did you destroy my program?” Caleb’s words are tense and quiet, cutting through the air with a hint of foreboding.

 

“Yes. No one in Abnegation will be dying today and my faction won’t be an army of mindless killers for Erudite.” Four’s words are matter-of-fact and I don’t need to look at him to know his expression is that of the cold instructor.

 

“You’ve destroyed years of work!” Caleb’s shout startles me and for the first time I notice how Ezi is tensed, bracing for the shot he’s anticipating at any moment. “Do you have any idea what you’ve done? Never mind, you’ll pay the price now.”

 

Without thinking, I swing my gun toward the left and pull the trigger as I brace to compensate for the kick back. The bullet lodges in the elbow of Caleb’s shooting arm. He screams loudly and lets go of Ezi, who immediately elbows Caleb in the ribs. Four hurries forward to where Ezi and Caleb are struggling. Right before he reaches them, the bang of Caleb’s gun rings out and Ezi crumples to the floor.

 

My feet automatically carry me to where Ezi lies. The sounds of Four and Caleb fighting barely register as I see the blood pooling on the ground at Ezi’s side. He’s struggling to keep a hand pressed to that side, clearly trying to apply pressure where the bullet hit to staunch the bleeding. My hands reach out to his to take their place.

 

I don’t need to see the wound to know that he needs to get to the infirmary quickly or else he’ll bleed to death. He might, regardless.

 

“Ezi, stay awake, OK? Keep your eyes open.” Ezi doesn’t answer me and every time he blinks, it seems to take a bit longer for him to open his eyes again.

 

Distantly I hear a body hit the ground and suddenly Tobias is at my side. After a glance to Ezi, he shouts into his radio for Amar and Uriah to come quickly. The commotion of the door opening tells me they’ve registered his order and are responding. Ezi reaches a hand out to grip Tobias’s arm.

 

“Don’t…let…anything happen…to them, Four.” His breath is labored and ragged as he gasps out the words.

 

“Zeke, stop. You’re going to be fine.” Tobias’s voice is that of Instructor Four, ordering Ezi well.

 

When Ezi’s eyes close again but don’t open, something inside me breaks and I feel the tendrils of hysteria wrap around me, overtaking me.

 

“No! Ezi, no! N-n-n-n-no. No, no, no, no, no, no, no. Ezi, wake up! Wake! Up!”

 

A set of arms wrap around my waist from behind, pulling me off the floor and away from Ezi. My first instinct is to tell Tobias to let me go but I see him still kneeling next to Ezi and realize that it’s Amar who is hoisting me off the floor. He sets me down about ten feet away but doesn’t release me.

 

“Tris, Uriah and I need to take Ezekiel to the infirmary. You and Four need to finish what you came to do. You can come see him after you’re done.” I don’t look at him but I nod so he knows I’ve heard him. He must decide that’s enough because he releases me and instead goes to Ezi, pushing Tobias aside to get to him.

 

Tobias walks to me, setting his hands on my shoulders and catching my eye. “Tris, we have to get the hard drive and the rest of the information. Come on, we don’t have much time.”

 

I can’t make myself move until Amar has carried Ezi from the room with Uriah’s help. Caleb sill lies on the floor, unconscious, but Tobias has tied him to one of the desks in case he wakes up before we’re ready. I carefully walk over to a workstation and begin going through Max’s documents that Tobias has pulled up. When I find one titled ‘Prior’, my curiosity gets the best of me. The words of the opened document swim before me on the screen and I can’t believe a single one I’m reading because it’s impossible.

 

“Tris, I got the hard drive.” Tobias’s voice startles me when I hear it from over my shoulder. “Oh my god.” He must be reading what I am because his hand falls on to my shoulder and squeezes it, comfortingly. “Put everything you want on this flash drive. We’ll make sense of it later but right now we have to go. Caleb needs to get to the infirmary.”

 

Tobias hands me the hard drive when I rise from my chair, having saved all of Max’s documents on the flash drive. He kisses me softly before he turns to untie Caleb and pick him up. It’s strange to see Tobias carrying him, to see Caleb’s blood soaking into Tobias’s shirt. Even though Caleb is older than Tobias and I both, he looks much more vulnerable than Tobias does right now.

 

“Tris, take the hard drive and hide it before you come to the infirmary. I’ll see you soon.”  


We split apart and I hurry to my apartment as quickly as I can. My hands are shaking almost uncontrollably as I take out my keys. It takes me nearly five minutes to finally unlock my door. As soon as I’m inside, I make a straight line to my kitchen, opening my freezer and tossing the hard drive in the back behind all of the frozen vegetables. I keep the flash drive in my pocket, unsure when I’ll be able to access the files again.

 

I stop outside the entrance to the infirmary, unsure whether I really want to hear the progress. If it’s bad, it’s not real until I hear it. As long as I’m not in there, it doesn’t exist. The idea that I could lose my brother today hadn’t occurred to me as we made our way to the Control Room barely an hour ago.


	37. Four

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Let me start this with an apology. I know it's been a long time since I posted and I'm sincerely sorry. Unfortunately, life has been a little complicated as of late and I've been busy fighting my own demons, many of which made it hard to get out of bed for far too many days. Fighting them left me with very little time to help Ri and Ezi figure out how to fight their own. I'm doing a bit better now and managed to finish off this chapter. I hope to have more coming in a more timely manner to finish off this story. Thank you so much for your kind reviews and your loyalty. I appreciate them all and hope that this chapter lives up to your expectations. <3's

Four

I’m bereft of ideas at this point. 

I had deposited Caleb at the infirmary quickly before heading over to find where Amar and Uriah had taken Zeke. Locked out of the room, we waited as the doctors worked on him. Tris arrived but was as helpless as the rest of us in this situation. I have no clue what to do or how to handle this. 

Hours later, a doctor informed us that Zeke was out of surgery but still unconscious. It’s been like that for a day now. Tris has spent the entirety of it sitting sentry over him, refusing to leave or sleep. I can barely even get close to her to suggest taking a break to rest as Uriah immediately positioned himself as the gate keeper to them both. Neither will see reason right now.

Finally, I give up and go to lean against the wall just outside the room door. I don’t really understand what I’m feeling or why. Something about Tris’s fierce protectiveness over Zeke, the way she won’t leave his side and how Uriah is standing guard over her like a protective watch dog, is tearing at me deep down. Something like anger mixed with dread is quietly and gradually settling into each part of me.

“You’re as pathetic as Ezekial can be. You know that, right?” Amar raises his eyebrows when I meet his gaze. His words are harsh but his tone isn’t.

“What?”

“You’re jealous.”

“Of who?”

“Ezekial.”

“That is ridiculous. I’m not jealous of him. He’s lying unconscious right now, for crying out loud, Amar.”

“You may not be jealous of his physical state at this moment but you’re certainly jealous of Lady Zeke’s affection for him.”

I can’t look at Amar’s face because I can tell from the weight of his stare that I’ll find a knowing and paternal look on his face right now.

“I’ve just never had a family like that so I’m not used to people acting that way.”

“What a load of bullshit. Just say that you’re jealous because you’re nervous that there’s not enough room in her life for both of you.” His hands clasp my shoulders tightly, shaking me until I look up into his eyes. “You know, after you and Tris told Ezekial about your relationship I had to tell him how much of a jealous ass he was being about all of it. So I’m going to tell you what I told him: Lady Zeke will have room for all of the people she cares about, no matter what you think. Let her make the decision about caring about you instead of trying to assume and make decisions for her. “

“She doesn’t care about me the way she does them.”

“Of course not—you’re not her brother. You don’t want her to care about you the same way she does Ezekial or Uriah or I.”

“You know that’s not what I meant, Amar.”

“Like I said: let her make the decision about whether she cares about you as much. I’m sure you’ll be surprised to find out that she does.” He moves so he’s standing next to me, leaning against the wall as well. “You know, people always think that Ezekial or Uriah are the protective ones but really it’s always been Lady Zeke. When Ezekial was ten he got a terrible fever. Lady Zeke perched herself at the foot of his bed and refused to leave him, tending to him until he was better. A year or so later Uriah broke his leg and she did the same thing. I would rather cross Ezekial than Lady Zeke any day.”

“Why are you telling me this?”

“Because you’re being an idiot and right now she needs you to not be an idiot. She’s not sure whether her brother is ever going to wake up. She’s realizing that she could have lost all of the people she cares about and that she very well might lose one of them. Lady Zeke will always have room for the people she cares about and she’s just as dedicated and loyal to each one. So stop worrying and go be there for her.”

“She doesn’t love me, Amar.”

“Yes she does.”

“No, she doesn’t. I told her I loved her before our mission and she didn’t say anything.”

“Of course she didn’t: she wasn’t expecting that. Just because she didn’t say it right then doesn’t mean she doesn’t love you. Now is not the time for you to worry about this. You need to go be there for her right now because whether she wants to admit it or not, she’s scared that she’s about to lose someone she loves.”

I heed his advice and walk back into the room where Tris sits, her eyes red from fatigue, watching Zeke as though he might wake up at any moment. The steady beep of the heart monitor is the only sound in the room.

 

We remain like this for two days with me leaving briefly to sleep and deal with the Erudite and Dauntless that we had arrested in connection with the planned takeover. Tris still refuses to leave, refuses to eat or really sleep. I sincerely fear that she’s approaching the line of insanity at this point. Even Uriah allowed Marlene to drag him away briefly for a few hours of sleep.

Finally Amar and I with Janet’s help persuade Tris to drink a cup of tea that she doesn’t know also contains a sleep aid. Within twenty minutes she is fast asleep in the chair next to Zeke’s bed and I quietly pick her up and carry her to her apartment to rest. Oddly enough no one really gives me strange looks as I walk through the compound with her unconscious in my arms.

She sleeps for twelve hours, which gives me enough time to clean up her apartment, fetch food from the dining hall, take a short nap and prepare myself for talking to her about what we found on Max’s computer. When she stirs awake I find myself both relieved and apprehensive. I’m not sure if she’ll be angry with me for taking her away from Zeke’s bedside even though it was for her health.

“Hey,” I quietly call to her, reaching out to stroke her arm tentatively.

She rolls over to face me, her eyes squinting open slightly. “Hey, where am I?”

“Your apartment.”

“How did I get here?”

“I carried you here when you fell asleep.”

“How long have I been asleep?”

“About twelve hours.”

She springs up so she’s sitting in bed, rubbing the heels of her hands against her eyes.

“I need to get back to the infirmary. What if Ezi needs me?”

“Tris, he’s surrounded by medical staff that are trained to care for him if he needs anything. He’s fine. Amar will let us know if anything important happens.”

She shifts to stand from the bed but I quickly fling my arm out, around her waist, and pull her back toward me until she topples over on to the mattress. A surprised squeal comes out as she falls. 

“I have to get back.”

“He’s being taken care of. You need to think about how you’re going to talk to Max about what you found, Tris.”

“I was hoping you wouldn’t mention that.”

 

-.-.-.

“Explain to me what these messages between you and Jeanine mean, Max.”

He looks over at me, alarmed and helpless after Tris thrusts at him copies of the messages we printed for this conversation. The waves of the Chasm rush and crash beneath us, not very far from our feet. Amar still stands near Tris, though I can’t tell if he’s protecting her from Max or Max from her. I guess we’ll find out soon.

“I haven’t the faintest idea why you are looking at me. It’s not as though I can help you.” I’m careful to keep my voice level, devoid of any emotion.

Max stares at the pages, his eyes not moving across the text. They probably don’t need to in order to know what these messages are; he’s seen them enough times before to recognize them anywhere without actually reading the content. That fact makes me angry.

“Tris, this isn’t what you think.”

“You mean this isn’t proof that you plotted with her to kill my parents; to make me an orphan? This isn’t your messages to and from Jeanine about your plan to kill my parents? If it’s not that, then what is it?”

“Your mother wasn’t supposed to be involved.”

“So just my father was supposed to be killed? Gee, that makes it so much better, Max.”

“You don’t understand!” Max is shouting now, clearly aggravated. “He never should have been in Dauntless—he should have stayed in Erudite where he belonged. He thought Dauntless was something it wasn’t and never should be. He was a liability.”

“So you had him killed?”

“He was just supposed to be injured enough to be forced into becoming factionless. The attacker was just supposed to shoot to injure; not to kill. Andrew wasn’t supposed to die and your mother wasn’t supposed to be injured at all. She wasn’t even supposed to be on the train. Jeanine lied to me.”

“You seem so surprised that someone who was willing to kill her own brother might not have any scruples with lying to you and killing more people. Because when I think of people in whom to put my trust, I immediately jump to someone who would devise a plan to kill her own family on a quest for power and control. Dear God, I can’t believe my parents trusted you or that anyone else has for that matter.”

I spot Max’s rage boiling just beneath the surface and steel myself for the imminent explosion. It doesn’t come yet though.

“So what did she promise you to get you to sell us all into homicidal slavery?’

“Don’t you dare talk to me that way! I loved Natalie! She was going to tell everyone that I—“ he pauses, casting his eyes about wildly as though searching for his words, “She was going to tell everyone that I killed her—them—if I didn’t go along with this plan! What was I going to do?”

“Well, perhaps you shouldn’t have gone along with the plan of a psychopath to begin with. That might have been where you first went wrong,” Tris responds coolly.

“You’re just a little girl; how dare you criticize my judgment!” He lurches forward until I throw my full weight into his path, effectively stopping him in his tracks.

Amar, however, was not as quick with Tris, who rushes up to point a finger in Max’s face but only after she manages to rake her fingernails down the flesh of his face.

“How dare you turn me into an orphan! How dare you collude with a genocidal maniac and put our faction in danger! How dare you put my brother unconscious in the infirmary with your ridiculous quest to ease your conscience over a monumental fuck up that affected you least out of all of us!” A strained sob breaks through her shouting and it seems to rob her instantly of her energy, leaving a depth of grief. “You’ve already taken so much from me. Did you have to take him, too?”

“I didn’t take anything from you.”

“No, I fear you’ve taken everything. So here are your choices: you jump from the chasm or you join the factionless. You don’t deserve the position you hold.”

“That’s a tough choice.”

“Both are too kind for you, you worthless scum.”


	38. Zeke

Zeke

I’ve trained my entire life to win at hand-to-hand combat, yet here I stand with a gun pressed to my temple by an Erudite. Granted, Caleb was born Dauntless so I don’t feel as bad but he’s also probably my least favorite Erudite other than Jeanine, so there’s that.

Ri’s gun is pointed at him though I can tell by the look in her eye that she doesn’t have a clean shot. Despite her skill level, she could very well hit me along with him. My blood runs cold with terror at the idea of potentially being shot or dying and moreover, the potential guilt it would cause her if it were by her hand.

My god, this could be the end.

Out of the corner of my eye I see Four hit a couple remaining keys and start edging toward us. Caleb yells angrily from behind me, the barrel of the gun pressing uncomfortably into my temple more. I brace myself for the quick death that I anticipate.

At least killing me will distract Caleb long enough for Ri to shoot him so he can’t hurt anyone else.

Ri’s gun goes off and Caleb’s grasp drops from me. This is my chance, and I immediately set about disarming Caleb. Our scuffle is short-lived as a bang soon rings out, followed by a searing sensation tearing through my side.

The floor hurdles toward me. Once on my back I try to recall what I can of my rudimentary emergency medicine training. My hands press to my side, trying to slow the blood loss. Somewhere in the distance I hear Ri’s voice calling to me. My vision is blurred but I can see her above me. She seems so distant.

This can’t be how it ends. That fucking bastard threatens everyone I care about and this is what happens? At least Uriah and Ri are safe; that’s the important thing. It’s all I wanted. No one in my family or of my friends will be hurt in this. I fulfilled what I set out to do so it’s OK if this is the end. I can die if it means they’re safe.

Vaguely I hear her trying to order me to stay awake. I almost want to laugh at how stubborn she is, even now. My bright, sweet and stubborn sister who thinks she can order death away from me.

Four appears next to Ri as well. 

Four. 

The person I spent so much time being jealous of because of the place he occupies in Ri’s heart. It seems so foolish now that I was ever angry or jealous. Those missed moments when I could have been reveling in the joy of my family and their happiness but instead insisted on spending them in selfish bitterness and faulty pity seem ridiculous to me now. With my death he’ll need to help Amar watch out for them. And whether she wants to admit it or not, Ri will need him to help her through my death.

I can’t leave them without them both knowing my foolishness has passed. Mustering what feels like Herculean strength, I grab on to his arm. Good, now I have his attention.

“Don’t…let…anything happen…to them, Four.” 

There. It’s done and it’s OK if I’m gone now. Mom and Amar will understand. Uriah and Shauna will forgive me in time and eventually all of them will make Ri finally see why this was the right thing.

The world is spinning faster; maybe time is speeding up, too. My eyelids, they become heavier by the moment, as though someone is slowly pouring concrete into them, forcing them shut and harder to open each passing second. I don’t want to fight it anymore, even though I know Ri wants me to do that. Instead I give in to unconsciousness, ignoring the other sounds around me.

It’s almost pleasant in the darkness, but I can’t seem to let go all of the way.

I ache for the loss of them, the memories. What could have been slips through my fingers and suddenly I am left just with what won’t ever be. It’s devastating though simultaneously I’m at peace with this reality. The duality wars within me, one trying to establish dominance over the other to no avail; only constant, futile grappling deep in my soul.

I’ll never really know how the story ends. I’ll never see it. Every instance to which I would have been a witness will not include me now. My image will fade from their memories like an old picture left out too long in the sun; much like the memory of my father’s face feels blurry and distant to me, as did Caleb’s over time, though the latter’s treachery will live on forever in everyone’s minds. 

Will that be what becomes of me? When my face appears as a blank sheet in their minds’ eyes, will they instead remember some enduring quality, some fantastical moment that transcends space, time, and even, perhaps, logic? Will it be truthful or will it become distorted and embellished with well-intentioned affection?

The truth of Ezekial Pedrad’s future will die with me. As was always to be the case, I suppose.

 

I hear someone saying my name softly, almost pleadingly, and it feels so far away from me. I focus on it, trying to make sense of it until it becomes clearer so I can decipher its sounds and words.

Ri.

Her words are blurred by audible tears. The words barely matter anyway; the sound of her voice—lost and broken—is what does.

“Come back to us, Ezi. I know I insist that I don’t need your help or protection or anything like that, but I’m not sure how to do any of this without you. I don’t. Since the moment I became your sister you, Uriah, Amar and Mom have been the foundation I’ve relied on—you especially. 

I can’t imagine my life without you in it. I’m so sorry for everything I’ve put you through and I’m sorry that I didn’t protect you from Caleb when you’ve spent so much of your life protecting me. I swear if you’ll just wake up, I’ll make sure nothing ever hurts you again—not even me.

I love you. Please just…just wake up.” The last words are barely a whisper, which tugs painfully on my heart.

Since Ri first came home with us, I’ve devoted much of my conscious—and probably unconscious—thought to protecting her from any pain or danger. Never would I have imagined that the reason she would sound so heartbroken would be on account of me. I cannot bear the idea. That is a responsibility that I will not assume. I refuse to let this be how the end of Ezekial Pedrad’s story reads.

Nobody could have prepared me for how difficult and exhausting it would be to just do the simple act of opening an eyelid—something that I feel was an oversight in the initiation curriculum. I’ll have to bring that to Four’s attention later. Nevertheless, I focus all of myself on this one— usually simple— task. By the time I’ve forced one and then the other open just enough to take in the harsh lights of the room and the blurry figure of my golden haired sister, I want to instantly close them so I can take a nap to compensate for the effort. Keeping them open each second feels as though it’s aging me years.

“They’re going to take away your ranking if you keep crying all of the time.”

Her eyes look up at me startled, whether it’s because of the rough shape of my voice or at the existence of it at all, I’m unsure. The spark of happiness that I see in them, however, reminds me that I just don’t care.

“Ezi!” 

There’s hair suddenly across my face and the force of her body flung over mine. With the small amount of energy and muscle I still have from however long I’ve been here, I use them to hold her to me as tightly as I can manage. I can feel the bruises over my abdomen, and what I suspect are stitches, protesting under the new weight. 

“Good to see you, too.” She pulls back to look at me and I don’t bother suppressing the grin that I can feel stretching my cheeks until I feel as though my face will split. “How long have I been napping, anyhow?”

“Almost four weeks. Everyone thought that—“ her voice breaks off abruptly and she casts her eyes toward the wall before finally clearing her throat. “Everyone thought that you weren’t going to wake up. I even started to worry—“

“But I’m awake, Ri. It’s fine.” 

Before I can continue, Janet enters the room, happy to see me on this side of consciousness again, apparently. Ri quickly slides off the bed and out of Janet’s way while she examines me. She glances at the many monitors I seem to be plugged in to before addressing me.   
“You’re lucky, you know. They got you to the infirmary just in time to do surgery on you and keep you from bleeding out immediately. Your injuries were severe, though, so no one really knew when you’d wake up. But I’ll leave you two to talk. I’ll go call Hana and the others to make sure they know you’re awake now. They’ll be happy to hear it.” Janet pats my hand before she quickly exits, closing the door behind her.

“Where is everyone, anyway?”

“At work or sleeping. We’ve been visiting you in shifts to make sure that there was someone here when you woke up. Uriah was here for a long time, but Amar and I made him leave to take a nap. Four’s been covering most of the leadership duties while I’ve been here.”

“Covering the leadership duties? I don’t understand.”

“Oh Ezi, there’s a lot you’ve missed.”

I motion for her to come back and lay next to me on the bed. Once she’s settled tucked into my side the way she would for years when we were still children, growing up in the same apartment, I know whatever has happened will be fine as long as it means that my little sister is still here with me.

“Give me the abridged version for now.”

“Jeanine was executed after being tried at Candor.”

“That’s not terribly surprising.”

“Max is dead and Caleb is set to be executed tomorrow.” 

The words rush out of her mouth so quickly that it takes me a moment to comprehend them. By the time I do, she’s buried her face in the crook of my neck.

“I don’t even think I want to ask about that just now. So who’s leading the faction?”

“Four, Harrison, and…me.” 

She falls silent after barely whispering the last word of her statement. It doesn’t surprise me that she would be the person to ascend into leadership—even this early— or that Four would be made a permanent part of it, especially in light of what has happened. In fact, my reaction is exactly the opposite as my heart swells with pride for both my best friend and for my beloved baby sister. Mostly for my baby sister.

“Then the faction is making better decisions now than it was before I was unconscious. If that’s what happens when I get knocked out for a little while then I should make a more regular habit of it.”

“Don’t joke about that Ezi.” When I look over at her, her face holds the same painfully serious face it did on the day of my Choosing Ceremony as she worried that I would leave my faction and my family behind. 

It’s enough to make me practically fall to pieces.  “Hey, I’m not going anywhere. Don’t you worry about any of that. If getting shot by Caleb can’t get rid of me, nothing can.” I pull her into me a little bit more, “but let’s not worry about that right now. I’m tired and you look like you are, too, so let’s take a nap before Mom, Uri, and everyone else turns up to be loud and over emotional.”

So it’s with her tucked under my wing and knowing that she’s safe that I fall back in to the abyss. It’s much shorter this time, however, and my room is practically packed to the brim when I re-emerge from hibernation. I try to ignore how people’s faces are pinched with worry and darkened by the obvious lack of sleep.

“Wow, you guys look so bad that I’m not sure who in this room was actually shot anymore.”

Nervous laughter meets my awkward joke, but it’s all enough to unleash the barrage of relieved words and flurries of updates on everything I’ve missed. Everyone is only there for about an hour, probably, but it feels like more. With each minute I feel the desperate heaviness of fatigue settling in to my limbs, muscle by muscle. 

I can hear Amar quietly begin suggesting that folks begin leaving so I can rest more— that I am still recovering and will need to gradually build up my strength and stamina again. Individually, each person seems to be moved by his words and begin heading toward the room door. Most of them are gone about twenty minutes later, leaving only Mom, Uri, Ri, Amar, and Four in the room. Even Shauna has left with Lauren at her suggestion.

“Get some rest, Sweetheart, so you can get out of here and come home soon.” Mom places a careful kiss on my cheek as if she’s worried she’ll somehow hurt me otherwise.

“Thanks, Mom, I will. Though I think I’ll go back to my apartment after I get out of here.”

She looks dissatisfied with this reply. “You’ll need someone to take care of you for a while, Ezekial.” She opens her mouth to continue but then stops herself, falling quiet for a few seconds. “We’ll talk about this later. For now, just rest.”

She turns and begins to walk out, squeezing Ri’s and Uri’s hands on her way. Amor gives her shoulder an encouraging pat as she passes him.

“Alright, Ezi, Mom’s right— you need rest. I’ll come see you in the morning, OK?” I nod at Ri, studying her face and memorizing it, even though I know that she will absolutely be here when I wake up. 

She kisses me on the cheek, much like Mom did a moment earlier before turning on her heel. Uri offers a quick hug and a clap on the shoulder before he follows her out of the room. Part of me wonders if they’re going to retreat to their old room in Mom’s apartment for twin time now that I’m awake. It seems like something they would do in a moment like this. Four’s eyes follow Ri and I can tell he’s debating whether to follow her.

“Four, can you stay for a moment?” I raise my voice a little to say it, wanting to ensure that my voice breaks through the cloud that always comes over his eyes, and undoubtedly his mind, whenever he looks at Ri.

Something that looks like fear flashes over his eyes when he looks back at me. Slowly, he nods; Amar chuckles at our interaction.    
“Glad you’re awake Ezekial. Now it’s time to go back to sleep but try not to let it be for four weeks this time, OK? I don’t think any of us want to deal with that again, even if you’re less annoying while unconscious.” Amar addresses me from the foot of the bed before heading out, leaving Four and looking at each other.

It’s awkward to begin what I want to say; instead I clear my throat, hoping that for some reason the action will supply me with a good place to start. It doesn’t and the silence stretches out between us, quickly becoming oppressive with its weight. It’s probably best to just dive in to it full force.

“What happened to Max?”

“Tris gave him a choice and he chose one of them: the chasm.”   I flinch for a moment thinking about it before I remember I shouldn’t really care about the death of someone who was so willing to play a major role in causing the deaths of thousands of other. If anything, Max did us a public service. Oddly enough, his last act was the first one that he had done in a long time that was truly in the interest of our faction. Asking after Max’s fate, however, wasn’t the real reason that I wanted to talk to Four; it was just a momentary distraction.

“I wanted to say thank you for taking care of them. I knew you would, even if I didn’t ask you to do it. It’s just who you are.”

“They’re like family to me, Zeke.” His pained expression almost hurts me to see. The fact that I doubted my best friend at one point presses heavy guilt on me.

“I’m sorry for what I said the night before our attack.” I clear my throat again and drop my gaze to my blanket. “I know you meant it when you told me you love her. And I know that to you that makes her and the rest of us part of your family.” I look back up at him and hold his gaze, hoping this is enough to impart on him how genuinely I mean what I’m about to say. “But it also makes you part of our family, too. For Ri that means something a little different than it does for the rest of us, but I don’t mind. I’m happy for both of you and I’m glad that it’s you who she loves.”

“I don’t know that she loves me, Zeke.”

“She does. I know my little sister and she clearly loves you, even if she hasn’t told you yet. Don’t doubt it.” I stare at him, the two of us silently facing off. “That’s all I wanted to tell you. Something about getting shot and facing your own mortality puts everything in perspective. There are much worse things that could happen than my little sister falling for someone I know she can trust and who will be good to her.”

“Thanks, Zeke.”

We both nod at the other before Four turns to leave as the others did earlier. I watch his back retreat into the hallway before my eyes begin to slide closed and I allow myself to sleep once more.

All is right in the world, it seems.


	39. Epilogue- Zeke

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks so much for reading! I've really enjoyed writing this piece and I'm glad to hear that so many people have enjoyed reading it. For the next while I'm going to be working on my other Divergent fic-- A New Era-- and hopefully finishing it in the near future. If you're up for an Eris AU, then you should check it out. But for now, enjoy this last piece of goodness and I'm sure you'll encounter me lurking around your works. :)

Epilogue 

Zeke

I don’t know why I’m so nervous; practically no one will actually be looking at me anyway. It’s not about me; it’s about her. That’s always how these ceremonies work.

“Ezekial, it’s time.” 

Amar’s booming voice breaks me out of my thoughts, bringing me back to the task at hand. It’s show time. I straighten my tie— something that I was loathe to wear but finally submitted myself to doing— and follow Amar out to the rooftop, where everyone is waiting; where she’s waiting.

She looks beautiful dressed in a simple white dress. Taking her arm, I escort her down the aisle to where Four’s waiting, eyes locked on her and full of adoration. Not for the first time today I marvel at how happy I am that I stopped being irrational those years ago and got out of the way of their happiness. If I had to do it all again, I would only make myself make that decision earlier than when a near-fatal wound forced a shift in my outlook.

When we reach where he’s standing in front of Harrison, who’s officiating, I turn and place a soft kiss on her cheek before watching her walk away from me to take his hand. This is the day that I always dreaded but really isn’t so bad now that I’m faced with it. As Dauntless we’re taught to face our fears and this has for years been mine— today is my own personal sequel to the fear landscape but I’m making it through in record time.

Shauna takes my hand when I take my seat next to her, our son tugging slightly on her hair as I do. Andrew always wants her attention, no matter what is going on. It’s a phase and he’ll grow out of it eventually but we both revel in it while it lasts. There will be plenty of years to come when he isn’t as desperate to have us love and watch him. One day he might even drip his blood in a different bowl than we did and we’ll spend the rest of our lives looking back at these moments, wishing we had realized how lucky we were now. We’ll wonder what he’s doing and if he has children; if he’s happy, if they’re happy.

Seeing Ri’s face glowing with happiness as she slides the simple wedding band on Four’s finger reminds me of all of the stolen glances I witnessed between them but couldn’t decipher those years ago. Now it seems so obvious: the way she’d blush when he looked at her; the way his eyes would drop sheepishly to the floor. I still remember days after I woke from my coma when Four, while staring at his hands in his lap, divulged that she had spoken the three words he’d been hoping to hear from her and now he was truly sure. I’d see that same demeanor from him a few years later when he told Mom and I he’d asked Ri to marry him and wanted our blessing for it, as if we’d ever turn him down at that point.

Their vows are quick, straight forward as they always are in our faction, which makes me think of my own voice reciting them some time ago in this very spot. I hear Shauna quietly sniffle next to me, undoubtedly recalling the same moment that I am musing over, offering my hand a quick squeeze simultaneously. Pretty soon the ceremony is over and everyone is dispersing to various parts of the roof for us all to wish them well and celebrate with them. My sister now officially has a husband.

Weddings are always busy for the couple; there are dozens, if not more, people to greet and visit within a short span of time. There’s, of course, the need to sneak in moments of private revelry and excitement with each other. Somewhere in there, they also have to figure out how to eat something so they can make it through all of it. It’s no wonder between it all I don’t get a chance to talk to her before my dreaded speech. I don’t mind because I know she’ll find time for me later in the night and of course we’re family still so it’s not as if I’ll never see her again.

Even though Amar, Uriah and I all served in the wedding party, I somehow drew the short straw and was told I had to deliver the speech to the newlyweds. We had left Mom to be the arbitrator. Apparently, according to her, walking Ri down the aisle wasn’t enough. Which is how I find myself tapping a glass to get everyone’s attention before finally saying the words that I spent hours writing and re-writing until they seemed almost unrecognizable. As it turns out, writing a speech about two of the people closest to you is incredibly difficult to get right.

“I don’t know what you all have heard about me but I guess I’ve gained a reputation over the years for being over protective of my baby sister. I can’t imagine why because it’s not like I have ever had anything but a calm and cool demeanor when it comes to her and her safety.” Chuckles quietly ripple through the crowd at my attempt at self-deprecating humor. “The thing that I was most dedicated to protecting her from, of course, was romance.

“See, the day I gained my baby sister, I realized that what I really gained was the most perfect person in the world to be a part of my family. I used to watch her sleep when she was still a toddler, promising to her that I would make sure that she grew up to be brave and strong and that I would always protect her, love her, and make sure that nothing hurt her. As she grew older and my compulsive need to check on every scraped knee became increasingly irrelevant and I saw how caring she was toward others— a true embodiment of bravery that causes a person to stand up for another— I realized that the worst pain I could imagine her experiencing was a broken heart. I didn’t know how to keep that from happening to her. But I couldn’t imagine that anyone would be remotely worthy of her love and attention; I couldn’t figure out how I even was worthy of it as her brother. How would some stranger remotely have a chance?

“When I met Four, I knew that I had found a friend that I could trust through thick and thin because that’s just the person he is: he’s instantly trustworthy and you know it from the moment you talk to him. Even though he’s quiet and undeniably the most intimidating person you’ll ever meet, there’s no doubt that he’s also the most loyal, honest, and trustworthy as well.

“So when my most trusted best friend and my perfect baby sister fell in love, it was quite frankly the most beautiful and perfect ending possible. It was beyond anything any one of us in this room or in this city could have thought up, except, apparently for them. As always, my perfect, brilliant, baby sister knew more than I did.

“What I didn’t understand was that Ri had, indeed, grown up brave and strong and also smart and caring and thoughtful. She would have grown up this way no matter what and it has meant that she’s been ahead of me for quite some time now. So by the time she met Four she had already realized that true bravery is best expressed in loving another with complete abandon. It’s the part of our motto that we don’t teach, we don’t say with words, but is there nonetheless.

“I’ll admit that my reaction to the development of their relationship initially was, uh, less than ideal to say the least. But once I really made myself see who my sister had become and who my best friend really was, I knew that my initial response had been entirely mistaken. There was also that one moment of facing my own mortality, which always seems to knock some sense into people.

“Four, I’m so happy that Ri has you to rely on and to love every day; there is literally no one better in this world— and there never will be— to do that. And Ri, you’ll always be my baby sister that I will promise to protect from the pain of the world as much as I can, even when you’re wrinkled and old. There’s no stopping it even though I know that you don’t need it because you’re so brave and fierce. You’re an awe-inspiring woman and if there’s anyone who can balance and love Four unconditionally, it’s you. I’m happy that you two have found each other and I know that you’ll spend the rest of your lives in a partnership and love that will be a beacon for all of us around you. We’re just lucky enough to witness it.

“So I propose a toast to my perfect sister and amazing best friend: may your love sustain you on the darkest and hardest of days, may your humor and laughter ring out and infect the rest of our world, and may your relationship be an example for us all of what true bravery is so we may, too, aspire to it. We all love you and always will. Congratulations.”

Four wears a smile on his face as the people around us clap. Ri is staring at me and though there are several feet between us, I can see the glimmering tears in her eyes. I’m sure they are mirroring my own.

As it turns out, just like Ri never needed to worry that day when I had to choose the faction I would stay in for the rest of my life, I never needed to worry about this day. 

Neither one of us was ever going to lose the other.


End file.
